<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Secrets and Scars (not complete- updates often) by HeadOverFeelsForMoony</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27731146">Secrets and Scars (not complete- updates often)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeadOverFeelsForMoony/pseuds/HeadOverFeelsForMoony'>HeadOverFeelsForMoony</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Canon Related, Canon Rewrite, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Major Character Undeath, Major Character(s), Major Original Character(s), POV Original Character, POV Original Female Character, POV Remus Lupin, Romance, Slow Burn, Werewolf Remus Lupin, wolfstar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:08:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>89,844</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27731146</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeadOverFeelsForMoony/pseuds/HeadOverFeelsForMoony</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus Lupin has been alone for 12 years, hopping from job to job and just trying to stay afloat and hidden. A bit of a lone wolf. Until a chance opportunity changes everything.</p><p>DISCLAIMER: I do not support JKR at all.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Remus Lupin/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>82</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Yesterday</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“<em>Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.” - Mark Twain</em></p><p>I hear the soft wailing of an electric guitar and the rolling melody of a piano playing on the radio just outside the cellar door before I open my eyes. My head is pounding, my body is throbbing and the only relief I am currently getting is from the otherwise harsh cold of the cement floor and the fact that the wine cellar doesn’t have any windows.</p><p>No sunlight to come through. No way for peering eyes to find the beast making all those godawful noises all night.</p><p>I finally open my eyes and find that I am only lying in a minor pool of blood this morning, counting three new gashes crossing my torso and hips.</p><p>“Argh..tip top start of the day, innit?.” I groan as I sit up and reach for the little Essence of Dittany I have left in my stock and bandages. I make quick work, dabbing myself and letting the gashes start to fade before haphazardly wrapping myself, biting my bottom lip to keep from..</p><p>
  <em>Sitting here wasted and wounded at this old piano</em><br/>
<em>Trying hard to capture the moment, this morning I don’t know</em>
</p><p>Howling out in pain.</p><p>
  <em>Cause a bottle of vodka’s still lodged in my head<br/>
And this blonde gave me nightmares, I think that she’s still in my bed<br/>
As I dream about movies they won’t make of me when I’m dead.</em>
</p><p>“Irony at its best.” I mutter before fastening my last bandage, blood already working hard to seep through. But it’ll have to do for now, I think to myself before standing up and shuffling out of the tattered material at my feet and towards the spare clothes in the corner of the dark, damp cellar.</p><p>Another good thing about no windows, no one can see you’re naked.</p><p>In all my 33 years, you would think someone would have made this process easier. Or at least provide some sort of material to transform in to save for embarrassing mornings.</p><p>I take in a few sharp breaths as I do my best to slip tattered old sweats on, being careful to not disturb the fresh bandages at my hip. Luckily the elastic had been worn out of these years ago and the holes in the knees provide a little slack in the material.</p><p>
  <em>With an ironclad fist, I wake up and French kiss the morning.<br/>
While some marching band keeps its own beat in my head while we’re talking.</em>
</p><p>I grimace as the most inept song seems to read my thoughts.</p><p>“Bon Jovi must be a wizard. And good at legilimency.” I mutter, throwing a tattered Stones shirt over my torso. I grab my cane, hobbling to the cellar door and unlocking the deadbolt, the sliding lock, the master lock, and then grabbing my wand from atop the door and pointing it at the door itself.</p><p>
  <em>“Alohomora.”</em>
</p><p>The door slowly creaks open and I hiss as I curse myself for not turning off the light before I locked myself down here last night. I reach up and pull the string, taking the light out and using my senses to get around.</p><p>Before going up the steps, the air I take into my very sore lungs holds notes of copper and flesh and I remember the mess of blood and tattered clothes that I do not have the energy to clean.</p><p>I point my wand back into the cellar and sigh.</p><p>
  <em>“Tergeo.”</em>
</p><p>I hear the whoosh and wait until the smell is gone and limp my way back upstairs. I wave my hand and my tea kettle starts making tea for me while I collapse into my tiny lounger in my quaint little cottage I managed to buy with the little money I made at my last job before having to quit last week due to my condition. I close my eyes and listen to the rock song still playing from down the stairs.</p><p>
  <em>Now as you close your eyes.<br/>
Know I’ll be thinking about you.<br/>
While my mistress she calls me to stand in her spotlight again</em>
</p><p>I rub my face with my hands and realize I have a gash from my left eyebrow, over my nose, to my lip. I chuckle to myself.</p><p>“At least I’m consistent with the face, hmm?” I say to no one before singing to the song I’ve grown rather fond of.</p><p>
  <em>“Tonight I won’t be alone, but you know that don’t mean I’m not lonely. I’ve got nothing to prove for it’s you that I’d die to defend.”</em>
</p><p>My throat hurts when I sing so I stop, licking my lip to taste blood. I open my eyes and grab a handkerchief and dab it to my lip, finding mostly dried blood. I grab my cane, push myself up with a little yelp of pain. I limp over to my kitchenette and pour a cup of tea for myself as the song fades away.</p><p>I take my tea and some chocolate and manage to make it to my couch. I take a long sip of tea and a big bite of chocolate and with a wave of my hand, send them back to the kitchenette. I lay my aching head against the arm of the couch and drape my legs over the other end, the couch being way too small for my frame. But it’ll do for now. Anything would do for now. I would sleep on the floor if I had to.</p><p>A low guitar strums through this rickety old cottage and instantly I’m taken back.</p><p>There’s been countless times I have slept on floors before. The floor of my best friends house after a particularly rough mission, the floor under a crib with a sweet babbling baby boy in it, the floor of a warm common room, and that dirty, groaning floor of that shack.</p><p>Except for some time now, it’s been different.</p><p>
  <em>Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away<br/>
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay<br/>
Oh I believe in yesterday</em>
</p><p>I’ve been alone.</p><p>I feel a sudden sting in the fresh cuts on my face and I open my eyes. I bring my hand up to wipe away tears and at the same time there’s a gentle rapping at my door.</p><p>With help of my cane, I gingerly make it to my door, looking out the window to just make out a gray cloak before another rap sends painful vibrations through my hands against the door, up to my head.</p><p>I open the door to my house, not having expected any company to find a rather friendly face smiling at me.</p><p>“Hello, Mr. Lupin.” His deep voice suddenly quieted as he gave me a once over, that knowing twinkle in his eye. “I don’t mean to bother you..” His eyes went from my cane, over my tattered clothes and finally landed on my face. “Especially, today of all days, but I have a rather important question for you.” I smiled briefly before realizing said action disturbed the wounds on my face.</p><p>“Argh..” I groaned and the man nodded. “Perhaps in a few more days..” He said simply.</p><p>“Nonsense, Professor. Rather important questions need answering with due diligence. Besides..” I said, hobbling as I moved back, opening the door for my guest and giving a faint grin this time. “I’ve looked worse, believe me.” Dumbledore laughed and nodded as I waved him in. “Please, come in.”</p><p>“Thank you, Mr. Lupin. That’s very generous of you.” Dumbledore seemed to float as he walked in, something I’ve never gotten used to, even in my seven years at school. He turned and looked down the hallway that still had music floating through it from the open door that led down to the cellar I lock myself in during transformations.</p><p>I wave my hands and a spell tidies up my place as best it can while Dumbledore is distracted, listening to the music playing throughout my home.</p><p>“Mr. Lupin, I say, what is this wonderful music?” He asks, turning to look at me. A blanket flies across the room to rest over the top of my couch as he does this, and I can tell he’s trying to not chuckle in amusement at my attempt to discreetly use nonverbal, wandless magic to clean up before he could notice.</p><p>I smirk and take a moment to hear what has grabbed his attention.</p><p>
  <em>War<br/>
Children<br/>
It’s just a shot away<br/>
It’s just a shot away</em>
</p><p>“Er, that’s Gimme Shelter by The Rolling Stones, Sir.” He slowly nods as if he understands so I go on. “It’s a muggle band that was very popular when I was younger. When we were..” I stumble on my words and clear my throat. “Well, when <em>I</em> was in school, sir.”</p><p>He points at my torso and smiles. “These same Stones that adorn your clothes there, Mr. Lupin?” I look down and pull at the tattered, worn shirt and give a little chuckle.</p><p>“One and the same, Sir. But please, call me Remus.” I push the hair out of my face and grimace at the pain that I feel even down to the roots of my hair after last night’s full moon. “Anything else makes me feel like I’m still that young boy, getting in trouble for some sort of prank with..” I stop myself.</p><p>I haven’t said their names in twelve years. And somehow I think the Headmaster knows that.</p><p>“Well, that’s what I’m here for, I suppose.” Dumbledore walks over to me and motions toward the kitchenette. I nod and we make our way to my makeshift table and suddenly I go to stand “Tea?” I get up to make a fresh kettle for us and he chuckles.</p><p>“Please Mr. Lupin, sit down. You’ve had a hard night and I’ll make this quick.” I’m still fussing with the kettle when he says it.</p><p>“I actually came over here to see if you would be interested in a new title.” I have the kettle with one hand and reaching for the tea with the other hand, cursing myself when I find that it is shaking and covered with dried blood.</p><p>“How does <em>Professor</em> Lupin sound?”</p><p>I hear shattering as my world comes to a complete halt with those five words.</p><p>
  <em>The floods is threatening<br/>
My very life today<br/>
Gimme, gimme shelter<br/>
Or I'm gonna fade away</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Sick and Tired</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“Too bad but it's the life you lead</em>
  <br/>
  <em>You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Though you can see when you're wrong, you know</em>
  <br/>
  <em>You can't always see when you're right.” — </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Billy Joel “Vienna”</em>
</p><hr/><p>“Brilliant..” I lamented as I looked down at the broken kettle and tea mess at my feet.</p><p>“Merlins beard, Mr. Lupin!” Dumbledore said at the same time and was at my side in an instant. “Are you alright?” He said as I struggled to bend down and pick up my mess.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Professor. I’ve seemed to have trouble finding my mind today. Full moons tend to do that.” I winced as I pricked my finger with a shard of glass, smelling the blood before it even oozed out of my wound.</p><p>These damned senses.</p><p>“Nonsense, boy.” The wise wizard took my hand in his and waved his hand, the cut mending itself before my eyes. He hadn’t called me a boy since I had been one.</p><p>Many moons ago.</p><p>“If I had expected you to have your wits about you, I wouldn’t have come at all.” I looked up at him as he gave me that ornery smile. “All in jest. Of course, Remus.” Another wave of his hand and the mess had fixed itself. The kettle now whole again and working on brewing tea for us.</p><p>I chuckled as I held my hand up and raised my uninjured brow. “Thank you, for this.” I pointed at the kettle and sighed. “And that, sir. But I couldn’t help my imagination today, I could have sworn that you asked me to be a professor.”</p><p>Dumbledore walked over to the table and sat down. Waving his hand and a chair pulling out on its own, beckoning me to sit down. And how I longed to. The days after full moon I could sleep for an eternity and it still wouldn’t be enough.</p><p>“It was hardly your imagination, Remus.” He said as I found myself falling into the chair, exhausted and confused. “I need a Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor. Surely you heard what happened to the last two?”</p><p>I sighed as tea cups came to sit in front of the both of us, nodding.</p><p>“I fear I wouldn’t be a right sight better than a host for Voldemort and a clueless nitwit. I would only exacerbate the situation, Headmaster. Surely you know that?” I look up at the older man sipping his tea thoughtfully but not resigning from his standpoint. “Sir, I think you should reconsider. What about Severus? We both know he’s been eyeing that position since we were both Fifth years.”</p><p>“Severus is the Potions Professor and he is more than apt in that position. He proves to be most useful there. Besides, Remus, who better than you? You’re a fantastic dueler and you’ve been up against more dark magic than anyone else.”</p><p>I scoffed and pushed myself away from the table and moved faster than I wanted to, placing my tea on the counter and leaning against it. Crossing my arms over my chest, making a mental note at the pain and stench of blood that overwhelmed my senses when doing so.</p><p>“More dark magic than a Death Eater?” I whispered, shaking my head at the ridiculousness of all this.</p><p>“Severus Snape is no more a Death Eater than I am. You are more than aware of where his loyalty lies, despite his past and disregarding current outward appearances.” The Professor remained calm and spun a spoon through his tea with a hovering finger.</p><p>I, on the other hand, could not contain my feelings. Curse of my condition.</p><p>“I am a <em>werewolf</em>, Headmaster! If you haven’t forgotten, that poses an incredible danger not only to myself, the staff, but the <em>entirety of Hogwarts itself</em>!” I toss my cup and saucer into the sink, hearing shattering for the second time this afternoon.</p><p>Perhaps it was just the curse of my life in general.</p><p>“Mr. Lupin,” Dumbledore says quietly, never losing his temper. “It is not lost on me the manner of your condition. Neither is the quality of life you’ve had since leaving the castle when you were of age. You were thrown into a war, into the Order. Such things should not be experienced by a boy of that age. You managed to keep control of yourself then, I have no worries about —“</p><p>“PEOPLE DIED, SIR!” I bellowed, feeling my bandages pop loose when doing so. “TONS OF THEM! DORCAS! MARLENE! HELL, WHAT HAPPENED TO FRANK AND ALICE WAS A FATE WORSE THAN!”</p><p>Dumbledore was now standing, walking towards me. “I’m well aware of those that we lost, Remus. As are you. I know you haven’t forgotten about your dear friends, James and—“</p><p>“DON'T! DON'T SAY THEIR NAMES!” I practically spat at the wizard who did not heed warning and placed a hand on my shoulder.</p><p>“Not mentioning those we lost does nothing to change the past. If anything, it would be an insult to their memory. James and Lily died for the greater good. They died to protect their son. Their son who is a young boy going into his third year at Hogwarts, Remus.”</p><p>My vision was cloudy, tears stinging my eyes and my wounds as they fell by the dozens ever since the topic changed to my late friends.</p><p>“You practically used to live with the boy, Remus. And these young witches and wizards could use someone with your experience. Surely, you are aware that Voldemort has already challenged the boy twice. He is much like his mother and father, Mr. Lupin, he will not go down without a fight. Who better to teach him and his fellow classmates how to defend themselves than someone who has already fought? And valiantly at that. You were there. You were inseparable from his mother and father.”</p><p><em>And Godfather. That bastard</em>. I thought, sniffling as I choked down more tears. I looked past the man before me. The man I have held nothing but reverence and utter respect for. I looked around at the state of my makeshift home. I looked down at the appalling state of my clothes and my body, the evidence of what several decades with my condition has reduced me to.</p><p>A crying, hobbled, mess of a man.</p><p>Undeserving of such opportunities.</p><p>I belonged where I was. Moving from job to job. Shack to shack. Forever alone. Forever broken.</p><p>A monster.</p><p>As dark as they come.</p><p>“I would be nothing more than another darkness for them to defend themselves from. Nothing more than a lesson for them to learn.” I wiped my injured nose and sighed from the pain as I made eye contact with the Headmaster.</p><p>He was brilliant, sure. But he was also insane. Insane to have even thought to offer the likes of me a position amongst children.</p><p>“I do not believe you are, Mr. Lupin.” He said simply, turning around to take another sip of his tea. “I know your heart. You forget that I’ve known you since you were no taller than this counter.” He placed an aged hand upon it and then continued. “I knew you then, and I know you now. I’ve watched you grow, Mr. Lupin.” He looked over his shoulder at me, with a knowing grin. “You’ve grown into quite a fine young man. The wizarding world could use a teacher like you. Brave. Wise beyond his years.” He placed his tea cup and saucer in the sink with my shattered one. “If not a bit passionate and mischievous at times” He said with a subtle grin before waving his hand and once again, making my dishes whole.</p><p>“I could kill someone. I’m sure I have before.” I said quietly and Dumbledore took to taking a piece of chocolate from my personal stash and having a bit.</p><p>“Nonsense. Severus has agreed to provide you with an unlimited amount of Wolfsbane.” I snapped my head up. “Mmm. This is quite good.” Dumbledore said to himself as he happily ate his candy.</p><p>Why would Snape agree to make potions for me? I am more than sure that he despises me ever since the prank that—-</p><p>I shook my head of the memory. That might be precisely why he agreed to make Wolfsbane for me. It allowed me to keep my mind. I would merely be a wolf. Not a danger to anyone.</p><p><em>Including yourself</em>. I thought as I rubbed my hip, feeling the blood seeping through the bandages from my screaming and harsh movement.</p><p>“The Shrieking Shack will remain yours to hide your transformation. Rather luckily, the rumor is it’s the most haunted place in all of Britain. Wonder why that is?” He said, that twinkle in his eye as he smiled at me.</p><p>“I hardly could think of why, Sir.” I pushed myself off the counter and apprehensively limped toward him. “What about the cycles, if I do agree to this? I would be unfit to teach for several days.”</p><p>Dumbledore nodded, knowingly.</p><p>“I have already prepared for that. There will be a select few who will step in during that time. That, and I will be providing you with an assistant.”</p><p>I cocked my head. “An assistant, sir?”</p><p>The headmaster nodded, taking another piece of chocolate for himself. “I believe the muggles call them teachers assistants? She finished her schooling three years ago and has been working under Alastor for the time being. Moody himself suggested it after Lockharts mishap. She doesn’t have all of the experience you do, of course, but she will be a great help in those times you should need it. Of that I’m sure.”</p><p>“She?” I asked, holding myself up with my cane. A female teaching assistant for Defence Against the Dark Arts? And at the suggestion of the greatest Auror I’ve known? Impressive.</p><p>“Ah.. yes. Callisto London. Though, I think she goes by Callie. Very smart. Equally clumsy. But, very smart indeed.” He looked off in the distance as if stuck in a memory and then just gave a quaint chuckle and clapped his hands together. “Am I right in assuming this means you’ll take the position?”</p><p>I sighed and ran my fingers through my messy, sweaty hair and then rubbed my insanely sore neck. Looking around at the state of myself and the state of my living quarters, I had come to the painful conclusion.</p><p>“You happen to catch me between jobs, Sir. It seems that I have no other choice than to accept your gratitude. I am indebted to you, Headmaster.”</p><p>Dumbledore smiled, walking over to me and waving his wand over my torso as he lifted my shirt. I felt a little relief from my self-inflicted wounds as well as new bandages wrapping themselves tightly around me.</p><p>“Nonsense, Remus. The gratitude and debt are all mine.” He said simply, placing my worn shirt back in place. “And Albus will do quite nicely. All that respect makes me feel older than I am. And I most certainly don’t deserve all of it.” He very lightly pat my hip and handed me the rest of my chocolate.</p><p>“Eat this. You’ll feel better.” He said, winking before seeing himself to my door. “I’ll see you September 1st, no?” I nodded, checking my mental calendar in my head.</p><p>“I’ll be a right mess and exhausted much like I am today, but I will be there.” September 1st would be the day after a full moon but I would make myself as presentable as possible. It’s not always that you get a second chance like this.</p><p>“I look forward to it..” Albus said simply, with that grin of his. “Professor RJ Lupin.” He cocked his head as I scoffed. “Has a ring to it.” He offered and then with a pop vanished as if he had never been here in the first place.</p><p>And maybe in the post cycle stupor, he hadnt been. This could all have been a fever dream. I took a bite of my chocolate and walked towards my bedroom, the pain riddling my body instantly letting me know it was anything but.</p><p>A dancing piano melody lulls through my home as I fall down onto my bed, no longer fighting the wolf inside that just wants to sleep. Because I do too.</p><p>
  <em>Slow down, you crazy child<br/>You’re so ambitious for a juvenile<br/>Well then, if you’re so smart then tell me, why are you still so afraid?</em>
</p><p>“Im going back to Hogwarts..” I mumble into my pillow as I take out my wand and point it towards my windows and then spinning in a slow circle.</p><p>
  <em>“Repello muggletum. Protego. Salvio Hexia.”</em>
</p><p>Better to be safe than sorry. Even if no one has found me yet. Dumbledore did. He may be a brilliant man, but he is not blind. And neither are muggles. And I’m about to sleep for as long as my body will allow me.</p><p>
  <em>Where’s the fire? What’s the hurry about?<br/>You better cool off before you burn it out<br/>You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day</em>
</p><p>“Teaching children…” I say, chuckling to myself as I settle in, safe from wandering eyes.</p><p>
  <em>But you know that when the truth is told<br/>That you can get what you want or you can just get old</em>
</p><p>“A professor.” I curl up in my quilt and snuggle in. “A Werewolf. Teaching about Boggarts. Redcaps.”</p><p>
  <em>You’re gonna kick off before you even get halfway through</em>
</p><p>“And <em>Werewolves</em>..” I say with a little light laughter, groaning when my injuries tell me I shouldn’t do that yet.</p><p>
  <em>When will you realize that Vienna waits for you?</em>
</p><p>“<em>Quietus</em>.” I say finally, putting my wand away and relinquishing to sleep, too tired to even dream.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Mind Over Matter</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I know we both knew better</em>
  <br/>
  <em>But we still said forever</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And that was seven summers ago</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Were we dumb or just younger</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Who knows</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Does it ever make you sad to know</em>
  <br/>
  <em>That that was seven summers ago?—</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“7 Summers” Morgan Wallen</em>
</p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Callie! Come have another fire whiskey!” Blair bellowed from across The Three Broomsticks while I tinkered on the piano.</p><p>“I’ve had enough fire whiskey to keep me until next soltice, Blair!” I called back, my fingers dancing along the ivory and ebony keys. My hands have always had a mind of their own, as evidenced by my scars and the sheer amount of wands I’ve gone through in recent years.</p><p>Being an auror is as dangerous as it is alluring.</p><p>
  <em>Love of my life you’ve hurt me</em>
  <br/>
  <em>You’ve broken my heart and now you leave me</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Love of my life can’t you see</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Bring it back</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Bring it back</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Don’t take it away from me because you don’t know what it means to me</em>
</p><p>“Always so melancholy, Callie.” I sigh as I continue to hum the song, feeling his warmth behind me briefly before he sat on the piano bench next to me. <em>“Melan-Callie</em>. Hah!” He smells like cinnamon and bad choices as he smiles and takes a healthy sip from his copper mug. “Even<em> I’m</em> partaking in the fire whiskey tonight, Callie. And if I can have fun, then so should you.” He lightly jostles me with his shoulder as Blair and Camille leave the table they were at and now there’s a crowd around the piano with me.</p><p>“You’re going back to the Ministry tomorrow with Moody, he can keep one eye on you and the other on everyone else, Finian.” I look him straight in his warm brown eyes and try hard to remember why we broke up in the first place.</p><p>Even with the new scar on his lip from a ricocheted spell, he’s handsome. Maybe even more so. He looks down at me, somthing that’s not hard to do with his 6 foot frame. Everyone looks down on you when you’re barely five foot.</p><p>But that’s what makes me a good auror, I suppose. The bad guys never see me coming.</p><p>“And so are you.” He says, biting that healing bottom lip while he stares at my own. I kept eye contact for maybe a second too long and he starts to lean in.</p><p>“Actually,” I stop playing and get up, grabbing my abandoned mug from our previous table. Finian leans back his way and props himself up with his elbow on top of the piano, clearing his throat before taking a drink of his whiskey. “I’m not.”</p><p>Blair, Camille, and Finian all turned to look at me.</p><p><em>Well, that’s one way to capture a room.</em> I thought as I nodded at Madam Rosmerta who filled my mug with more fire whiskey.</p><p>“Callisto.” Fin said, standing and walking towards me. “I know that last run in we had was dangerous, but we knew that going into this. Being an Auror is dangerous, but it is necessary.” He took my hand in his and swiped his thumb over the silvery scar that ran from the pad of my thumb to the inside of my wrist. “Especially now.”</p><p>I yanked my hand out of his and walked back to the piano.</p><p>“I’m not leaving because I can’t handle the job, Finian! Don’t you think I know the necessities?” I hissed at him, making Blair and Camille glance at each other.</p><p>Now I’m sure we all remember why we broke up. Finian Killick has always treated me like I was glass. Fragile and could break under any type of pressure. He’s done that since we were in school. He tried to persuade me to be a Curse Breaker, a dueler, and at one point just a regular magical law enforcement officer.</p><p>He never quite believed I could actually survive being an Auror.</p><p>So far, I’ve been able to prove him wrong even if I haven’t done so unscathed.</p><p>“Now that’s not what—“ he started and I harshly put my drink down, sloshing it onto him. He wiped his pants and scowled at me, going cross eyed when I put my finger in his face.</p><p>“Yes. It is what you meant. It’s always what you mean, Fin. But if you must know..”</p><p>“Callie..” Camille placed her hand on my shoulder to try and calm me and I shot her a look that told her to let me have this moment. Fin had it coming. He’s had it coming for a long time.</p><p>“If you all must know, I’ve taken a job at Hogwarts.”</p><p>“Hogwarts?! Doing what?” Blair asked, pulling me to sit on the piano bench as she sat behind me, Fin taking a towel from Rosmerta and wiping himself down.</p><p>“Defence Against the Dark Arts.” I said simply, placing my hands back on the piano and absentmindedly playing whatever my hands decided to play.</p><p>Finian stopped wiping himself and slowly looked up. “You’re the new Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor? Well, that’s—“</p><p>“Assistant.” I mumbled and Camille chuckled.</p><p>“What was that, Cal?” She asked me and I looked up and sighed. “Assistant. Dumbledore asked me to be the teaching assistant for the new professor. He wanted me to get some teaching experience under my belt and said there would be moments where I would have to take over but that he and I would work well and have a nice balance with each other. And..” I shrugged. “Seemed to be safer than having hexes aimed at my head every day.”</p><p>“Who’s the professor?” Finian asked quietly. When I looked up at him he mouthed ‘<em>Sorry’</em> to me and I felt my face soften and I gave a little shrug with a slight smile.</p><p>“R.J Lupin. Both Dumbledore and Moody sang his praises and spoke very highly of him. I suppose they’re either friends or have worked together before. It seemed they got on well.”</p><p>Fin finally smiled back and the tension diffused itself. “I’ve never heard of a Lupin.” He said simply and I shook my head.</p><p>“Neither have I. But I trust Moody and Dumbledore and I suppose I’ll get to know him soon enough. Tomorrow’s the start of the year.” I couldn’t help but feel the anxiety creep into my mind. Tomorrow I’ll be going back to Hogwarts for the first time since I graduated.</p><p>Helping teach children to defend themselves against dangers that they’re still too innocent to be scared of. Defend themselves from magical creatures that they may never encounter. Defend themselves from spells and hexes that have been aimed at me more times than I can count in hopes that they may never have to use them. Although if the last couple of years have been an indication..</p><p>“You’ll have to teach Harry Potter, won’t you?” Camille said shyly, her brown eyes full of curiosity. I cocked my head and gave a little grin. “You know, I kind of forgot all about him for a bit. I suppose I will. Although, he may be teaching me at this point. He’s gone up against Volde—“</p><p>“Callisto! Don’t say his name!” Blair hissed, clapping her hand over her ears. Finian chuckled at her, used to hearing his name just as much as I was in our line of duty. And with Moody over us every day, we don’t flinch. But Camille and Blair recoil if you just get the V out.</p><p>“It’s just a name.” I say with a chuckle. “Besides, he’s gone. It’s nothing to be afraid of.” Finian chuckled with me before he motioned to the wanted poster on the post next to him.</p><p>“It’s Sirius Black we have to worry about now. But don’t you worry, I’ll catch that Death Eater before the end of the week once Mad Eye lets me loose.” He said, coming to sit next to me and wrapping his arm around my shoulder. Something I would have shied away from if it weren’t for the sudden chill in the room.</p><p>Blair and Camille shivered as they watched the man on the wanted poster scream at them. He was ragged. Long shaggy hair. Covered in tattoos. And mad. That much was clear. Insanity was etched in his bones. Swirling in his eyes.</p><p>“I think the Dementors will beat you to it, I’m afraid.” I said shyly, shivering when Finian offered me his jacket and I shook my head. That would be overstepping the imaginary boundary I’ve created for us. I grabbed my fire whiskey and took a generous gulp, feeling the warmth come back slowly as it worked to shake lose the impending doom I was feeling in the moment.</p><p>“He wouldnt go anywhere near Hogwarts, Callie. That’s all they’re here for. To protect the kids.” He took my cup from me when he looked into my eyes and saw that I was becoming a little bit worse for the wear. “And I suppose also you, Professor London.” He grinned as he lightly pushed me with his shoulder.</p><p>“Assistant to the Professor..” I corrected. “If that’s even a title.” Finian stood up and walked over to where Madam Rosmerta was standing behind the bar. “Hell, it is now! Three more fire whiskeys, love! And a Butterbeer for the Professor’s Assistant!”</p><p>Madam Rosmerta smiled as she poured the drinks and Finian came back to us with the biggest smile I’ve seen in years. He handed a fire whiskey to Blair and Camille, who had seemed to forget all about the woes we were drowning ourselves into tonight and were smiling back at me.</p><p>Finian handed me my Butterbeer and his amber eyes were twinkling when he spoke. “To bold, the brave, and the <em>beautiful</em> Callisto London..”</p><p>I shot him a look that told him to watch it but as I watched Finian smile down at me, I saw the boy I fell in love with all the way back in our Fifth year at Hogwarts. He may be older now, the dangers of our job written all over his face and body. Literally and figuratively. But.. there was still light and love in him. And if we weren’t too stubborn and alike maybe it would have worked out.</p><p>“You’re the bravest woman I’ve ever known and tomorrow you take on your most dangerous task yet..” He looked around at our friends who were watching him intently, surely seeing everything I was in the moment.</p><p>“Teaching children. Merlin help you. You may not survive.”</p><p>Everyone chuckled at that as he leaned down and kissed my forehead.</p><p>“And don’t you worry about Sirius Black, dear.” He whispered to where only I could hear. “I won’t let that madman touch a single hair on your head.” One more light kiss came from him on a scar that ran from my eyebrow to my hairline from a run in with Death Eaters a few months ago. Something I know he still blames himself for not shielding me from. He sneaks a caress on my chin and before I could give in to natural impulses, Finian leaned back. “I’ll have destroyed him before he gets the chance.” He whispered with a wink before holding his mug towards mine.</p><p>“To Callisto London! May she swiftly rise to Hogwarts teaching fame!” He said and Camille and Blair’s mugs came to rest against his. “For good this time. Don’t want you ending up like Lockhart!” He said with a chuckle.</p><p>I brought my butterbeer to meet their mugs and smiled.</p><p>“To Professor Lupin..” I added and Finian cocked his head before grinning at me.</p><p>“Ah, yes. Have mercy on that man, Callie. You’re almost certain to drive the Professor mad. Poor man won’t know what to do with himself.”</p><p>Everyone chuckled at that as we lifted our drinks and went back to talking about things that didn’t really matter. We all had the heaviness weighing on us enough for the last few days and we owed it to ourselves to have a semblance of normalcy for one night. Or, at least my friends did.</p><p>I set my drink down on the piano and excused myself to walk outside to get some fresh air. I began to feel a little guilty that I was leaving Finian and Moody to continue work at the Aurors office knowing that there were new dangers threatening them every day.</p><p>I felt guilty that I was running away from the job to seemingly hide in the walls of Hogwarts. But the truth is, when Moody and Dumbledore ask you do to something, it’s for good reason. And if they needed an Auror to help teach Defence Against he Dark Arts, there had to be a darkness lurking somewhere just beyond the shadows of all of this.</p><p>Nothing felt entirely safe anymore.</p><p>“You okay, Callie?” I heard him before I felt him place his jacket around me while I stared up at the nights sky. I allowed myself to curl into the leather and took a deep breath in, smelling the whiskey and the musk that was purely Finian. I closed my eyes and nodded as he put his hand on my shoulder and I set my hand on top of his.</p><p>“Just nervous..” I said and he squeezed my fingers and looked up at the sky with me.</p><p>“You’ve got this, Callie. I’ve seen you take on a lot over the years. This is nothing. Take a breath, relax, and just think, this time tomorrow, you’ll be dining in the Great Hall with Dumbledore, McGonagall..” he offered and I chuckled and looked over at him.</p><p>“And Snape.” I said curtly and Finian grinned. He looked up at the sky again and seemed to get lost in some memories for a moment before looking down at me and rubbing his injured lip for a moment. He gave a slight nod and sighed.</p><p>“Yeah, well, just cross that bridge when you get to it. But for tonight, let’s just have fun, huh? You deserve one more night before all of that starts.” He hugged me to his side and set his head against mine. And even though he didn’t say the rest, I knew what was left unsaid.</p><p>One night where we stopped talking about scars and injuries, Death Eaters and escaped man men. One night where we allowed ourselves to be young adults. One night where we could push our worst fears to the side.</p><p>Tomorrow it would pick back up again. Tomorrow would be a new day.</p><p>But tonight, we would do our best to just be.</p><p>“Beautiful, it isn’t?” He asked pointing up at the full moon. I nodded and went to turn back into the pub when we heard a painful, sad howling off in the distance.</p><p>“Beautiful for us, at least.” Finian said with a chuckle as we walked in to The Weird Sisters blasting and drinks being forced into our hands.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Lithium</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I'm so happy because today</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I've found my friends</em>
  <br/>
  <em>They're in my head</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you</em>
  <br/>
  <em>We've broken our mirrors</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Sunday morning is everyday for all I care</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And I'm not scared</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Light my candles in a daze</em>
  <br/>
  <em>'Cause I've found God</em>
</p><p><em>“Lithium” - Nirvana</em><br/>—————</p><p>I felt the pain before I even opened my eyes. I knew I would hurt today, but the extent is always lost on me until I regain consciousness. Going from 6’2 to nearly 8 foot when I’m the Monster has some ill effects on my body. Bones breaking and lengthening and then going back to my human frame makes most days absolutely dreadful.</p><p>This one will be particularly challenging because I have..</p><p>I open my eyes and can just make out the hands on my watch from across the cottage Dumbledore procured for me to stay in the night before starting my job. That's one silver lining about all of this. The heightened senses can hang around for a bit. Normally, I'd be a squinting git.</p><p>“One <em>bloody</em> hour to get dressed and make my way to Kings Cross and pretend like I didn’t just spend the night being a monstrosity. Brilliant.” I groan as I sit up and give my body a once over. A new cut across my torso and one on the meaty part of my right thigh. Nothing too bad. I rub my face carefully, not feeling any new gashes there to speak of. All in all, not bad for not having any potion to keep my wits about me.</p><p><em>Last moon for that for the foreseeable future. </em>I thought with a smile. Weird thing to do. Smile about my affliction. Wolfsbane is awful to take but the effects were well worth it. Though, I do feel guilty that Dumbledore is going to all this trouble for me. Even one cycle with Wolfsbane was bloody expensive. But I had the feeling he wasn't going to accept no for an answer.</p><p>I slowly pull myself up with the help of the old piano I am lying next to. I take an apprehensive step forward, testing my legs without a cane and am shocked to find that I am able to walk with more ease than usual. Not pleasant, sure, but it is something I could tolerate.</p><p>I grab my wand and point it towards where my luggage was safely tucked away. <em>“Accio Dittany</em>” I say, pulling briefs on before catching the bottle of Dittany that floats out of my luggage. I shake the bottle and sigh when I realize I probably don’t have enough for both wounds. I debate with myself on which wound to heal and decide that my torso can be hidden with layers but if I bleed through my trousers, I'd have some explaining to do so I take the dropper and let the essence perform its healing magic.</p><p>I look around the room and find a broken piece of the door lying on the floor. Probably from myself but luckily the Monster was fairly tame last night. Some moons are better than others.</p><p>I pick up the piece and place it in between my teeth before leaning against the piano and holding the bottle of Dittany over my torso, letting the remaining potion do it's best to heal what it can. I bite down on the wood, feeling it splinter in my mouth as I quickly wave my hand over my torso, bandages coming to wrap themselves around me so that I can at least get some pressure against the places that would not heal from the magic.</p><p>I spit out the pieces of wood and grab my trousers, slowly pulling them over my now closed wound fading into a scar on my thigh. I grab my olive green and gray striped dress shirt, the best one I had in my closet and began to button it over my torso, careful to not jostle the bandages as they finish fastening themselves just before I pull those buttons close. I made quick haste of a black knit tie, attempting a Windsor knot but my sore fingers can’t quite get it tight enough to be a proper tie. It hangs a little loose from my neck but that was fine by me.</p><p>“<em>Argh</em>..” I grumble as I pull a gray jumper over the shirt, doing my best to button it up to look presentable.<br/>“Just get your robes on and get to the train and then you can sleep until you get home.” I say to myself, smiling at the realization that Hogwarts was home again. I have a home again.</p><p>I am going <em>home</em>.</p><p>I pull the patched together robes over my shoulders and look myself up and down. I'm not going to be the best dressed professor in the Great Hall, but hopefully, with a little time, I'll be a successful one.</p><p>And hopefully well loved. I thought to myself when I found myself staring at the gold stamp I had put on my best suitcase. My best suitcase that was held together with loads of knotted rope. The gold stamp that was peeling from the wear and tear of that suitcase and my incessant fidgeting with the letters.</p><p>Professor RJ Lupin</p><p>“Come on, Lupin, let's start with well liked and move from there. Have some realistic expectations, eh?” I say to myself as I grab my wand and my luggage. I step into my loafers and wave my wand to rid the place of any evidence I had been there, including my tattered clothes from transforming. Not that anyone wanders in to check. But just in case.</p><p>“Okay, and now we just..” I look around and then down at myself and then over to all my luggage. I take a deep breath in and then let it out, feeling my wild hair floating up and then resting in a mess on my forehead. “..Get on the train to Hogwarts.”</p><p>I feel myself break out in a cold sweat and I don't know if it's from my nerves for the task that lies ahead or from being upright so soon after a full moon.</p><p>Both are new to me. Usually by now I'd be sleeping the day away somewhere and I'd definitely be between jobs right now. Not starting a career at my Alma Mater.</p><p>“It's just getting on the train, Lupin. Something you've done seven times before.” I take several deep breaths in and straighten out my robes.</p><p>My shabby, patchy robes.</p><p>You're not ready for this. You shouldn't be around children so soon after a full moon. You shouldn't be around children at all. Albus is out of his mind. You're out of your mind. You couldn't do it alone then. What makes you think you can do it alone now?</p><p>You're practically crippled. You're ill. Those kids are going to take one look at you and laugh. The teachers will laugh. Severus surely will be after your head, especially since he has the all consuming job of brewing your potion so you don't kill anyone.</p><p>If he doesn't kill you himself by just barely getting the concoction wrong. One wrong measurement and it'll be death for you, Monster.</p><p>“Perhaps that's all I deserve.” I say quietly to myself, feeling myself slip deeper into my post cycle depression, or perhaps just my regular depression in and of itself. I was growing weary and wanted nothing more than to find a dark place where no one would bother me and sleep for ages.</p><p>The train to Hogwarts would have to do for now. I've never slept on the train to Hogwarts but then again..</p><p>You had friends then, didn't you?</p><p>I shake that dark thought twisting a knot in my chest and grab my things. I have just enough energy for this and then I’ll be thoroughly spent but I have no choice.</p><p>I close my eyes, the only thing I’ve done this morning that felt incredible, and think clearly Kings Cross, Platform 9 ¾.</p><p>A pop, a rush of air, and all my energy expends and I feel myself land feebly on a very loud platform. I open my eyes and see hundreds of people bustling about. Some look scared and lost, some have clearly done this more times than they can count, sending off children or meeting up with their friends to catch a train car together.</p><p>Which I need to do before they are all gone.</p><p>“Pardon me, Dear.” I say softly with a smile when a red haired girl with brown freckles and hand me down robes bumps into me as I’m walking to the train. She looks up and smiles before it falls from her face and she takes a step back.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” She says quickly before rushing off and I chuckle to myself as I step onto the train and make my way to a free car.</p><p>“Well, at least she didn’t laugh.” I say myself before finding myself in a car alone. I put my luggage in the rack above the seats and sit down next to the window, something cool to rest my head against while I sleep.</p><p>I situate myself and that’s when I see it.</p><p>Lupin</p><p>It’s carved into the little table shelf with a moon above my last name and I feel my whole aching body tense and my breath catch in my sore lungs. My eyes quickly shift down the wood and see a paw print, a rack of antlers and tiny claw marks.</p><p>I don’t bother to look for their names. I know they’ll be there. I shut my eyes and curse myself for what I’ve done.</p><p>Of course I would blindly lead myself to this car. It’s muscle memory at this point. Even after all these years. I rub my tired eyes and open them quickly to find tears on the back of my hand.</p><p>“Anything from the trolly, Dear?” I hear her sweet voice before I see her and I quickly wipe my face and smile.</p><p>“Uh.. nothing sweet. Perhaps a water, please?” She smiles at me and nods.</p><p>“For you, Dear, anything.” She reaches below her cart and grabs a large glass bottle and hands it to me. “You can have the whole thing, Mr. Lupin.” I am mid drink when I choke and spit it out on myself.</p><p>“Er..You remember me?” I ask and the sweet witch smiles.</p><p>“Of course I remember you. It hasn’t been that long, sweetheart. Now, you’re looking a bit peaky if I do say so myself. Do you need chocolate? I remember how fond you are of the frogs..” She is digging through her trolly when I shake my head and put my water down.</p><p>“Mmm. Not needed, Ophelia.” I touch the pocket of my robes and pat the extra large chocolate bar I brought just in case I needed it. “I always have one on hand.”</p><p>The witch was smiling as I said her name and nods. “Right you are, Dear. Don’t go saying my name too loud, Mr. Lupin. I rather like the mystery around me with the others. If you change your mind and need anything ..” She points to the front of the train and I take my robes off and lean against the car.</p><p>“You’ll be at the front with the driver. I know. Thank you.” I say with a soft smile as I close my eyes while kids file in. I want to take advantage of the lonely car while I still can. I am utterly exhausted from the moon.</p><p>“Sweet dreams, Darling.” Ophelia says quietly as she walks off and I drift off to sleep.</p><p>——-</p><p>I am jostled and can tell it’s dark without looking. There’s a bunch of commotion and I’m still in a exhaustion filled fog trying to listen.</p><p>“I’m going to go ask the driver what’s going on.” I hear her say before the door opens and I hear more commotion and yelps of pain.</p><p>“Who’s that?”</p><p>“Who’s <em>that</em>?”</p><p><em>Good god, Lily. Just sit down with James and wait it out.</em> I think to myself before I’m pulled the rest of the way out of my stupor.</p><p>“Ginny?”</p><p>“Hermione?”</p><p>Suddenly, I’m very aware that I’m not with my friends on the way to Hogwarts but surrounded by my students on the way to Hogwarts and several of them at that. I open my eyes and can just make out four other bodies and a cat all in this small, dark car that is growing smaller and darker by the second.</p><p>“What are you doing?” The one I confused for Lily, I assume Hermione, says.</p><p>“I was looking for Ron-“ The girl I ran into on the platform says while the other moves aside and points to the crowded seat next to me. Where I see someone who I would swear to be James if I weren’t aware of the present day.</p><p>“Come in and sit down—“</p><p>“Not here!” Said James’ twin and in an instant I know it’s him. “<em>I’m</em> here!”</p><p>He sounds so much like his father.</p><p>“<em>Ouch!”</em> Several voices call out in pain and I need to get control of these children before someone really gets hurt.</p><p>“<em>Quiet!</em>” I say, taking my robe down from my face, my voice hoarse from howling all night. I hold out my hand and a manageable flame lights itself in my palm as I take inventory of the room.</p><p>The small redhead is sat near another redhead. Brother and sister, I presume. I glance over and see a long haired, alert girl. She has her wand out and an orange cat in her arms.</p><p><em>Hermione</em>. I take mental note of her name and that she seems to have her wits about her. This bunch seems to need it. I confused her for Lily before but in this band of misfits, it seems to suit her for now.</p><p>My eyes fall on a boy who looks rather familiar but I can’t quite place him. He seems rather scared so I give a slight smile as he repeatedly looks from the flames in my hand to my face, which is probably still very ill looking and not at all consoling.</p><p><em>Hopefully my smile helps</em>. I think as he goes back to the flames with a confused and scared look on his face.</p><p>Probably not used to wandless magic.</p><p>And then I meet the green eyes of someone I need no introductions to. He is so much like his father it <em>hurts</em> me. Except his eyes. That’s where my other best friend made her mark. I glance at his forehead and feel a deep hatred inside me.</p><p><em>And that’s where Voldemort left his</em>. I think, anger brewing deep within me thinking back to the past but I slowly get up and take control of myself and the situation at hand.</p><p>“Stay where you are.” I say, my voice still failing me as I hold out the flames in front of me to open the door. Hermione nods and the rest just stare in disbelief.</p><p>I don’t get far before the door opens before me, my flames illuminating a dementor. The car goes ice cold and I fight a shiver as I watch it’s decayed hand reach out momentarily before slipping back into its cloak.</p><p>It takes a deep, rattling breath in and before I knew it I heard several voices calling out.</p><p>
  <em>“Harry!!”</em>
</p><p>I feel an intense need, an <em>instinctual</em> need to catch him as he fell to the ground but I could not afford to do so or the others would be in the same position as him. That and I could not afford to have anyone see how I truly feel about the boy.</p><p>Not right now.</p><p><em>Perhaps not ever. You’re his teacher now. Nothing more</em>. I remind myself before I step over him for the time being and take my wand out.</p><p>“None of us are hiding Sirius Black under our cloaks.” I say in my most authoritative voice I could muster. “Go.” I take my wand and point out the door but the dementor is relentless. It doesn’t care. It just wants a soul.</p><p>I close my eyes and think back to when I carved my name in the table behind me and pray that this isn’t a corporeal.</p><p><em>Please don’t be corporeal</em>.</p><p><em>“Expecto Patronum.</em>” I mutter and a silvery wisp comes out and I sigh in relief. The dementor took one look at it and glided away. I put my wand away and shook my hand, the flames extinguishing from my palms.</p><p>I turn and the lights turn back on, Hermione and their friends are slapping Harry’s cheeks as they pick him up and he rouses. I watch him intently as he gets heaved back into his seat by his friends.</p><p>“Are you okay?” His red headed friend asks. If I remember correctly, I believe his name is Ron. I look from him to Hermione.</p><p>“Yeah..” I look over at Harry who looked past me to the door. I never take my eyes off of him as he speaks. He has his fathers messy hair and features. I have to blink and shake the thought that James is here with me.</p><p>
  <em>He’s not. That’s his son, Lupin. Harry.</em>
</p><p>“What happened?” He asks, and Merlin, he sounds just like him, too. “Where’s that—“ I open my eyes and he’s looking at Hermione. “That thing? Who screamed?” He asks and I feel my brows furrow.</p><p>Ron looks from Harry to Hermione to the rest of the car to me. “No..” he looks back at Harry. “No one screamed.” Ron said nervously.</p><p>Harry looked around the compartment, to Ginny and the boy I haven’t quite placed yet and they shook their heads at him. All of these kids were very pale and scared.</p><p>“But I heard screaming…” he says as I pull out the chocolate bar from my robes. They need this more than me. Harry for sure, I think as he wipes sweat from his brow and looks rather ill himself. I have to keep from chuckling at the irony that both he and I are in this shape the first day of school.</p><p>The chocolate snaps and as it does, everyone looks over at me. I hand out pieces to everyone, a particularly large piece to Harry.</p><p>“Here,” I offer, nodding towards him. “Eat it. It’ll help.” Harry took it from me but did not eat.</p><p>“What was that thing?” He asks as I take my now empty wrapper and put it in my pocket.</p><p>“A dementor.” I see that no one has taken a bite from the remedy I handed them. “One of the dementors from Azkaban.” Everyone stares at me for a moment and I point to all of them.</p><p>“Eat.” I repeat. “It’ll help.” I try to reassure them as I make my way to the door. “I need to speak to the driver. Excuse me.” I say softly as I make my way out of the compartment.</p><p>I close the door behind me and take a few steps before feeling my legs start to give out from under me. I lean against the wall for a moment and take a few breaths.</p><p><em>“What the hell…”</em> I whisper before I compose myself and make my way to Ophelia.</p><p>“Mr. Lupin! You look dreadful. Did you come across the dementor? Here, sit down, Dear!” She says as she grabs me by my robe and puts me in her seat.</p><p>“I did. Just managed a patronus to get it out but Har—“ I stop and look up at her, wiping the sweat from my forehead and sighing. “A student passed out so I handed out all the chocolate I had to them and I’m not feeling too good myself.”</p><p>Ophelia wiped my face with a cool towel and handed me several unwrapped chocolate frogs and some cauldron cakes. “Here, eat these..” She says as she wipes my neck while I eat as much as I can fit in my mouth at once.</p><p>“You probably needed a day or two before you came to work, darling.” She looks down at me and I scowl before I see that look in her eyes.</p><p>“You know?” I ask and she smiles. “Sweet boy, I’ve known since you were in your third year. Why do you think I always gave you and those friends of yours extra sweets?”</p><p>I give a bittersweet grin and shrug as I eat a cauldron cake. “I suppose I just thought you took a liking to us and appreciated that we never pranked you.”</p><p>Ophelia grins as she wipes my face again and hands me another water. “I suppose I did, Dear. I suppose I did.” She takes the trash from all the food I ate and throws it in the bin behind her.</p><p>“Thank you..” I say and she nods. “You’re welcome. Just doing my job. You look a right sight better now.” I shake my head and grab her hand.</p><p>“No, Ophelia. <em>Thank you</em>.” I emphasize my gratitude, not saying that I’m very appreciative that she has never judged me nor shown fear to me. Also for the fact that she has seemingly never told anyone of my affliction.</p><p>“Darling, you are every bit of the sweet boy I met on this train all those years ago. Nothing will change that.” She lifts my hand and kisses a scar on the back of it. “And you are more than deserving of this post, Professor. Of that I am certain.”</p><p>We smile at each other before she starts to shoo me away. “Off you go, go check on Mr. Potter and the kids for me before you frighten the rest of my customers away. The sight of a Professor is bad for my business.” I chuckle and nod.</p><p>“Right.” I say, shaking my head. “Not used to that just yet.” I start to walk away and she grabs my hand.</p><p>“One for the road.” She says, slipping a chocolate frog in my hand and then as if on second thought hands me another. “Give this one to Mr. Longbottom, it’ll help him with his nerves.” I look down at the box and realize that’s the other student in my compartment.</p><p>Neville Longbottom. Frank and Alice’s son.</p><p>I don’t know why I didn’t make the resemblance earlier.</p><p>I nod and extend my thanks once more before I walk back to my car.</p><p>I open the car door and find the children looking a little better than I had left them, the color starting to return to everyone’s face. Including Harry, even though he did still appear rather fluish. But that will go away. I pause and see the reason why they’re all still a bit shook.</p><p>“I haven’t poisoned that chocolate, you know.” I say with a bit of a laugh as I take a bite of my chocolate frog, looking down at Dumbledore smiling at me from the Wizard card. Harry takes a bite of his and I can see his cheeks flush as the remedy begins to work.</p><p>“Here you are, Neville.” I whisper as I hand him the second frog in my hand and walk to where my seat had all but been confiscated by the girl I bumped into before.</p><p>“May I sit next to you..” I say with a smile. “..Ginny is it?” She quickly nods as she takes a bite of her chocolate and smiles back at me this time. “You certainly may, Professor.” I take my seat and offer a drink of water to everyone from my bottle before taking one myself.</p><p>“We will be at Hogwarts in ten minutes. Are you alright, Harry?” I ask, doing my best not to close my eyes to try and hide my stupidity of calling him by his first name.</p><p>But he doesn’t seemed dazed as I do so.</p><p>“Fine..” he mutters, undoubtedly embarrassed even though he has no need to be.</p><p>He must be used to all the attention and everyone knowing his name. He is the Boy Who Lived.</p><p>I stare at him, trying hard to not let the emotions of seeing a direct reflection that breaks my heart in all his features.</p><p>All the things I loved passed down from the Ones Who Died.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. First Impressions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“A sky full of stars and he was staring at her.” -- Atticus</em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
“Where in the <em>bloody</em> <em>hell</em> is this man? He was supposed to be here an hour ago!” I vent to literally no one because it’s just me alone in this stupid hallway.</p><p>I’ve been standing outside the door to his— <em>our</em> classroom for an hour and a half because I thought it would look good if I arrived early.</p><p>Now I am just pacing with seething anger.</p><p>“The stupid git of a man, probably didn’t think telling the girl helping him that he was going to be late was important enough. But what do I know? I’m just an assistant.”</p><p>“Well, there was an incident on the train that delayed my arrival. I was helping a few students. Dementors.” I heard a hoarse, but calm voice say behind me and I froze in my position. “Terrifying things, those dementors. Though, I suppose you’re probably used to that. Working with Alastor.”</p><p>I turn and I am taken aback by the man before me. He is tall but seems to be a little hunched over. His eyes are sunken in, black and purple circles surrounding them while the rest of him is as pale as the ghosts floating around this school. He looks as if he needs to sleep for days to feel relief from whatever is ailing him. His hair is a mess and if it weren’t for the grays spattering about in his light blonde hair, I would say he was still fairly young. It seems as if his years have prematurely aged him and if it weren’t for the years, I would certainly say the scars across his face would do so.</p><p>There are two of them, deeply embedded, going from light pink to purple and then fading to gray to match his sickly skin in some places. One started a few inches above his left eyebrow and traveled through it, across the bridge of his nose, down his cheek to his jawline. The other started just under that left eye to slash the left cheek, missing his thin mustache and upper lip but marking the bottom one until it too ended at his jawline just off the edge of his chin.</p><p>Whatever attacked him seemed to spare his emerald green eyes, which I find myself feeling relief at for some reason. I hardly know this man but his eyes hold a certain…</p><p>“It seems to have slipped Headmaster Dumbledore’s mind that I was meant to meet you here before the hour. Or, perhaps, slipped his mind to tell you I was taking the train. Which is understandable. Busy man, with an entire wizarding school in his more than capable, albeit sometimes forgetful hands. Though, I won’t deny that sometimes I am a..”</p><p>Those eyes sparkle with what I was seeing before: orneriness. I can see the humor that lives in them.</p><p>“How did you put it? <em>A stupid, git of a man?</em>”</p><p>I watch the smile start in his eyes and dance across his scars down to his lips.</p><p>The grin only grows larger when I feel my cheeks go red hot and the rest of my body flush in embarrassment as I try to stumble my way through an apology.</p><p>“I— Professor Lupin, sir, I am <em>deeply</em>—“</p><p>“Oh nonsense, Dear. Like I said, I won’t deny that I am a stupid git of a man. I’m fairly certain it’s just nature for men. Myself included. I am cursing myself for keeping you waiting. So, no apologies needed Miss…”</p><p>“Oh, er, London.” I say, holding out my hand and he glances down at it and smiles. He slowly takes his hand out of his pocket and that’s when I notice his extremely shabby, darned clothes. Definitely not hand me down, as they are more than a little worse for the wear.</p><p>He seems to notice as he shifts his weight, swaying forward and back, making me shift my eyes back to his.</p><p>They are bright and full of life, a stark contrast to the rest of his appearance.</p><p>He gives a little smile as his hand grips mine and I notice the warmth that radiates from his skin. A few more gray scars on the back of his hand catch my attention momentarily before he speaks.</p><p>“Well, Miss London—“ He cocks his head and clears his throat. “It <em>is </em>Miss, correct? Or is it Missus?” He says and normally, I would take offense to such a question but I honestly feel as if he just wants to address me correctly and that’s all.</p><p>Nothing of ill intent seems to come across from this man.</p><p>“Right, Sir. Miss London. I suppose I haven’t found a man that can stand up to my abrasiveness. Or my general impatience about things. To which, again, I must apolo—“ I am cut off once more.</p><p>“Miss London, as I have said, you have nothing to apologize about. And please call me Remus, I’m too young to be called Sir. It’s going to be a bit alarming hearing the students call me that. Not used to being a Professor.”</p><p>I look down to find us still shaking hands and so does he.</p><p>“Right, well..” He lets go of my hand and I surprise myself by getting a small chill when he does so. “Oh yes. These halls do get a bit cold.” He says when I shiver. “You need some proper robes.” I can’t help but chuckle at the state of both our appearances.</p><p>“Right. I should say we <em>both</em> need some proper robes.” He says with a little laugh. And I find myself grinning at him. He shuffles awkwardly and clears his throat so I try to lift the spirits.</p><p>“You seem to be just as familiar with Dark Arts as I am.” I say, motioning from my scars to his. He looks down at his hand and touches his face before looking at mine. I see his face fall and that's when I realize that he was able to look past mine and I just made it very clear that I didn’t look past his.</p><p>
  <em>Great job lifting the spirits, Callie. You’re the git here.</em>
</p><p>“Yes,” he says with a hearty laugh. “I suppose I am.” He smiles at me, cocking his head. “Though I do think mine are a fright compared to yours. Yours are hardly noticeable.” He motions to his own face and then looks down at his robes.</p><p>“I- I- I had proper robes, you know?” I offered and he looked up again, raising his scarred eyebrow in question. “Death Eater.” I said with a shrug. “Few weeks back. But…” I grinned at him. “You should see the other guy.”</p><p>Remus gives me a quick once over and it seems that he wishes to ask more but at the last second he stops himself, looking at a moving painting of Knights on the castle wall.</p><p>“Actually. You really can’t see the other guy. He’s in Azkaban.” I say with a chuckle and I expect Remus to do the same but he has an odd reaction.</p><p>His face falls and he sighs. I can feel the room darken with our moods.</p><p>“That place is full of mad men and murderers.” He croaks out, looking to his left and then clears his throat and points down the hall. “I’ll take your word for it that you made him pay for what he did to you before sending him away. Either way, he’s certainly paying for it now.” I meet his wandering eyes and I can't help but feel that there's something more to what he's saying. Remus cuts me off before I can dive deeper.</p><p>“But we should get to the Great Hall before we miss the feast.”</p><p>I silently curse myself for managing to offend this man so many times in this small interaction but I nod and turn on my heels, walking beside him as he limped gingerly next to me.</p><p>“Are you alright?” I ask, looking down at his hobbled gait as we make our way to the Great Hall and he nods.</p><p>“Oh yes, just..” I stop and watch him as he walks away and he takes notice and stops a few feet in front of me. He looks at me and I must have concern written on my face between our first conversation together and his outward appearance. He looks down at himself and sighs. He opens his mouth and goes to speak but then stops himself.</p><p>He looks up at the ceiling and seems to have a silent conversation with his conscience before nodding. “Right..” he says quietly before taking a step towards me and biting his scarred lip.</p><p>“I used to have proper robes too, Miss London.” He simply says. Remus puts his hands in his darned robes and pushes them out to show me the state of them. “Had a bit of a run in myself..” He says with a shrug.</p><p>“Are you okay?” I ask softly, knowing that by the state he is in, the answer is surely no. I presume he will never admit this. Remus shrugs and hums to himself, confirming my presumption. “Nothing I haven’t done before. But, you should see the other guy.” He says, laughing, turning my own words against me.</p><p>I feel a little better that he's able to joke and walk towards him as he turns and we make our way down to the feast once more.</p><p>“Though, I don’t recommend it.” He says as an afterthought with a chuckle and I look over and he raises his eyebrow.</p><p>“Dark Magic can be full of all sorts of surprises.”</p><p>Again, I can't help but wonder what is left hanging in the air between us that he refuses to say but I let it go for now. <em>Not on the first day.</em></p><p>I nod as we make it to the doors where there’s a roar of students laughter, murmurs of conversation, talks of the upcoming school year.</p><p>“So can life.” I say to him as we stare inside at the hustle and bustle of the Great Hall. I look up at the enchanted ceiling and see a beautiful purple and blue starry night just above the floating candles and suddenly I feel warm again.</p><p>I am home.</p><p>“Indeed, it can, Miss London.” I look over and he’s watching me stare at the night sky. He smiles to himself, sighs, and turns his head to finally look in the hall. “Indeed it can.” He repeats, almost to himself.</p><p>“Call me Callie, Remus.” I say with a smile before taking my wand out and waving it over him. He looked at me curiously before standing up straighter and rubbing his torso.</p><p>“Did you just—-“ Remus starts and I smile as I walk backwards into the Hall. “Stamina Charm. You look like one good hex will be the end of you. Or even a half good hex. Now when the food appears, eat.” I say with a smile as I stumble into the Gryffindor table.</p><p>Remus laughs as I land in the lap of a Seventh year and I smirk as I stand up and straighten my robes before mussing the student's hair with a wink.</p><p>“You'll feel better!” I say and Remus practically beams back at me and nods.</p><p>“So Ive heard! Thank you, Callie.” He says, walking up to me and waving his hand over my robes. The yellow hood disappears and in its place, a black one. “Don't want people mistaking you for an older Hufflepuff. You must remain indifferent to the houses now.”</p><p>I raise my eyebrow at his wandless magic abilities and stammer my thanks.</p><p>“I'll need rest after dinner but I'll meet you at our classroom, let's say, thirty minutes before breakfast?” He offers before Dumbledore glides past us.</p><p>“Professor Lupin, join me at the head table. Introductions will begin just after sorting.” He says quickly before looking at me and smiling “Ah, Miss London, I see you two have had your meeting.”</p><p>Remus stammers, certainly trying to explain that we missed it but I smirk and nod. “Indeed we have, Headmaster. We were just discussing our lesson plan for the coming weeks!” I wink at Remus who looks utterly confused before Dumbledore turns and faces him. Remus manages a quick but believable smile and nods.</p><p>“Yes, a boggart has seemed to become keen to my wardrobe so we were discussing starting with that and going from there.” He said and I raise my eyebrow. I've never dealt with a boggart before. “I was hoping Callie could assist?” He asks with a mischievous grin.</p><p>“Brilliant!” Dumbledore says before placing his hands on both of our shoulders and grinning from ear to ear. “The only thing to fear is fear itself. Perfect first lesson! Look forward to hearing about it!”</p><p>Remus is still smiling when he looks across our headmaster at me. “Meet you at 7 to go over the incantation?” He offers and I shoot him a look that pretty much tells him to bugger off before Dumbledore is also looking my way. My annoyance turns into a fake cheer as I nod. “Absolutely, Remus. Wouldn't dream of missing it.”</p><p>“Great to see you getting on nicely. I should get to my seat. Join me in a moment, Remus.” And with that, Dumbledore was gliding away, taking all the students wandering gazes with him as he went.</p><p>“I've never dealt with a boggart before!” I hiss, hitting Lupin in the midsection, causing him to double over for a moment. He growls and then slowly stands, managing a quick nod before coughing. “Well, hands on learning is my approach. You'll be fine.”</p><p>He points to my hand and gives a haughty chuckle. “Nice jab you've got there. Hardly need a wand to fend anyone off, I'd say.” He takes a deep breath in and finally straightens all the way. “Agh.” I look at my hand and then glance to where there is a tiny spot of blood on his jumper. He covers his sweater with his robes and gives a faint smile.</p><p>“Remus! I am so —-“ He chortles and waves his hand.</p><p>“No apologies. I set myself up for that. I deserved it.” He begins to walk towards the front table and looka over his shoulder at me. “It seems you found someone who can stand up to your abrasiveness.” He rubs his torso and winks. “Though that could be the charm you used.”</p><p>I shake my head and feel my cheeks flush once more as he walks away.</p><p>“I’m fine! Better grab a seat, Callie. You're looking a bit peaky.” He says as he gestures to his cheeks with a laugh. “Enjoy your meal, Miss London. I’ll see you in the morning.”</p><p>I watch him limp away, a little more pep in his step than before. He takes a seat next to Snape who takes one look at him and rolls his eyes. An instant anger bubbles inside of me at the sight of him and now my flushed cheeks are for an entirely different reason.</p><p>I make my way to the side table on the left of the room and sit perpendicular to Hagrid and Professor McGonagall who greets me with a smile like an old friend as opposed to a former professor.</p><p>“Good to see you again, Dear!” She says before standing up and grabbing the Sorting Hat and stool from behind her. “Off to sort the little ones but we must catch up when we can! I want to hear all about your Auror experience!” She pats my hand and smiles at me. I watch her walk towards the nervous first years and grin when I think about how I felt before being placed into Hufflepuff when I was 11.</p><p>“They’ll let anyone teach, won’t they?” I hear in his low, monotone drawl. I feel the loathing hatred bubble inside of me before I look over and see him. I expected him to be looking at me after the years he had wielding his power over me as a professor. Instead he was giving Remus a once over who was either rendered deaf in the last few moments or showing great control in ignoring him.</p><p>Either way, it took all I had to not hit him with a Bat- Bogey Hex from under the table. He would deserve every bit of that hex but my thoughts are interrupted by the cheers of students as the sorting hat calls out:</p><p>“HUFFLEPUFF!”</p><p>I found myself clapping and cheering along with the rest of the Hufflepuffs in the Hall. I heard a whistle and look over to where Remus was watching me and cheering as well. He was nodding at me from across the table while I cheered for my fellow Hufflepuff.</p><p>So much for being indifferent to the houses.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“We are what we believe we are.” - C.S Lewis</em>
</p><hr/><p>I am awake far earlier than I ever dream of being. It is only the second day after the cycle and I am upright. Something that has never happened before.</p><p>
  <em>Don’t wish it away</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Don’t look at it like it’s forever</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Between you and me I can honestly say that things can only get better</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And while I’m away, dust out the demons inside</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And it won’t be long before you and me run</em>
  <br/>
  <em>To the place in our hearts where we hide</em>
</p><p>I’m singing to my Elton John vinyl as I slip my robes over my shoulders and wave my hand, cleaning up my tea and biscuit mess I left on my makeshift table in my office.</p><p>Did I still hurt? Merlin, yes I did. My head is still throbbing though it is dulled remarkably, my body is still sore and broken, the bruises are a deep purple by now. My body is swollen and the dark circles around my eyes are still dark but I feel loads better than I usually do. I think I have Miss London to thank for that.</p><p>That stamina charm of hers seems to be just what the doctor would order. Or, at least Madam Pomfrey would I suppose.</p><p>Callie, though, if I should be so casual as to call her by her nickname like she suggests, is every bit as impressive as Dumbledore made her out to be. That healing charm of hers made me feel instantly better than I have in years after a transformation. I haven’t felt this much spring in my step afterwards since…</p><p>
  <em>And I guess that’s why they call it the blues</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Time on my hands could be time spent with you</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Laughing like children</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Living like lovers</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Rolling like thunder under the covers</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And I guess that’s why they call it the blues</em>
</p><p>Well, since I had companions to help me through. But, that was then, this is now. I push my friends, who have been consuming my almost every thought as of recently, to the back of my mind.</p><p>I have to teach a young Auror how to handle a Boggart. Though, if her defensive spells are just as good as her healing charms, that boggart doesn’t stand a chance.</p><p>
  <em>Just stare into space</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And picture my face in your hands..</em>
</p><p>“The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.”</p><p>I look up from attempting to make my tiny space appear to be sophisticated enough for a professor and see her. If it is at all possible, she's even more impressive in the morning.</p><p>Her Chestnut hair is up in a messy bun of sorts, wisps falling perfectly around her face, framing it beautifully. With her hair up, several purple and silver scars were visible on her neck and especially a rather prominent one that went from eyebrow to hairline.</p><p>Only two things were capable of leaving a mark like those. One of them being dark magic.</p><p>I clear my throat and wave my hand, doing my best to make this office seem hospitable.</p><p>Her eyebrow raises and she chuckles at me as I go to close the door to my office at the same time as her. My hand touches her ice cold fingers and I almost jump at the temperature difference. She slips her hand out from under mine and I close the door behind us as she walks backward into the room.</p><p>“Wandless magic?” She says as she trips over the table, knocking over the biscuits and tea. I manage to reach my arm out and grab her before she can fall to the ground. I pull her to me and she brings her hand up to brace herself against my torso.</p><p>My only partially healed torso.</p><p>I take in a sharp breath and she gasps as she notices that I'm obviously in pain. “Shit.” She says suddenly and I open my eyes to find her staring at me.</p><p>She curses like a muggle.</p><p>I find that her icy blue eyes go from my torso where her hand is still resting against my bandaged wounds up to my face. Her eyes make the same journey from my cheek to my forehead that every eye that falls upon my face makes.</p><p>Surely, she's thinking I got these from dark magic, just like I'm hoping hers are the result of. I’m just silently hoping she doesn't think about the second giver of scars like ours. The only other being capable of making irrevocable scars.</p><p>
  <em>Please, let's not discuss the werewolf in the room.</em>
</p><p>“Thank you..” She whispers while I help her find her footing. “I'm sorry if I hurt you.” She offers sheepishly while slowly pulling away from me and I find myself missing her chilled skin against mine. The contrast works wonders on my pain.</p><p>“It's no problem, Miss London, just a little sore from..”</p><p>“Your run in.” She says simply as she bends down to clean up the mess her stumble created. I watch her kneel down and delicately pick up the broken glass and place the shards on the table. She takes her black and gold scarf that is hanging from her shoulders and attempts to use it to sop up the tea but I intervene.</p><p>I gently stop her hands with mine and she looks up into my eyes. I really look at them for the first time, seeing gray flecks in the ice blue of them, shimmering like a frozen lake in the winter. There’s a twinkle in them and I get lost for a moment, recognizing the mischief living inside her. I get so lost in fact, I almost forget what I'm doing just by catching her eye before she furrows her brow and I snap out of it. I clear my throat and wave my hands, the liquid vanishing from the wooden floor. The crumbs from broken biscuits disappear before I look over my shoulder and wave my hand over my table. The shards of glass come back together to make my kettle whole again.</p><p>I grab the kettle and fill a cup, looking back at Callisto, who is staring at me in what seems to be astonishment. Or maybe, I think as she doesn't blink for a few moments, maybe she thinks she's gone mad.</p><p>“Erm, yeah, I dabble a bit in wandless magic.” I say, setting the tea down before reaching for her scarf and placing it around her neck once more. “If I were you, I'd take this off before we teach our Sixth years this morning. Nearly the whole lot of them are Slytherin.” I lightly tap the Hufflepuff scarf and can't help but smile as she goes cross eyed watching my finger.</p><p>“Well, personally I would call cleaning an entire office and making a brand new kettle from shards of glass more than just dabbling a bit in wandless magic. I would assume you got an Outstanding for your OWLs. And, if you must know, I didn't plan on wearing this to assist you on my first day.” She says, standing up and that's when I take notice of the rest of her outfit. She had on a black jumper with a large golden C stitched into it. The jumper appeared to be handmade and cozy looking. She had on denim bottoms with holes in the knees that were dark around the tattered material, undoubtedly wet with tea. She had on black and white sneakers that were well worn. There are scuffs and tears in the material. Maybe even a little blood here and there. They are the same shoes that became popular during the last year of my schooling here. I smiled at the white star logo on the side of the shoe before I stood to meet her.</p><p>“This is so I'm comfortable when facing the boggart. I intend to change as soon as we're finished. Which, If we don't get a move on, you'll be the only one assisting the students with their lesson today.”</p><p>“Right.” I say, looking away from her for what seems to be the first time since she's walked into my classroom.</p><p>
  <em>Before then, Lupin. You couldn't take your eyes off her last night.</em>
</p><p>“Alright.” I say, closing my eyes and clearing my throat. Sometimes I still have to fight the animalistic urges even though I'm past a cycle. Attraction is one of them. It is very rare for this side of the Monster to come out. I've never had to deal with it before now. Not even when I was a hormonal teenager. The anger and hunger were horrible then but the attraction was something I could keep at Bay for the most part. But I suppose there's a first time for everything.</p><p>It was true, from the moment I heard her insult me I found myself intrigued by her. She seemed perhaps a little startled by my appearance, though I couldn't blame her. She is hardly the first to stammer over her words or lose her train of thought at the first sight of me. It's something I've grown rather used to.</p><p>But it was how she acted after that initial moment that left me impressed. She spoke to me without staring at my face and it wasn't until she spoke of her own scars that I noticed hers. Before then, I had only noticed her impatience, something that somehow was endearing to me. She was not soft spoken, but that was fine by me. I grow tired of those who speak softly around me. Timid about something that they do not know, yet instinctually feel when they are near me it seems.</p><p>She is quite beautiful. So beautiful in fact, that I couldn't bring myself to look away from her once we were in the Great Hall. Not even when Severus began his bullying banter at my expense. It was one thing for the students to start in on my appearance, they didn't know any better. But Severus, well...</p><p>I suppose I had grown used to that as well.</p><p>“Remus? Are we going to repel the boggart, or is the lesson just how to keep it <em>in</em> the wardrobe?” Callie knocks me out of my thoughts and I compose myself. “Because if that's the case, I think we've done a right job of it. Our work here is done.” I chuckle at her sarcasm as I turn her gently by her shoulders and face the wardrobe that has been rocking for our entire conversation.</p><p>“No, no. That would be too easy.” Callie sighs. She knew that was coming. I can't help but find her apprehension quite catalyzing to her outward character. “So, do you know what a boggart is?” I ask, taking out my wand and pointing it towards my wardrobe.</p><p>“No clue.” She says and her voice shakes. I can tell she's more nervous than she's trying to let on. I have no idea what this is going to result in. Perhaps an easy fear like a reptile or arachnid.</p><p>“Well, that's fair because no one knows. A boggart takes the shape of whatever we fear the most. They are a shapeshifter. So, when I open the lock and the boggart comes out..”</p><p>“It'll take the shape of my deepest, darkest fear.” She says with extreme trepidation. She's fully scared now. And that is not the point of this lesson.</p><p>“Well, the boggart will only have two people to go off of. You and me. But, don't be scared, Miss London. The boggart does not know yet what frightens either one of us. So that gives us a huge advantage over it because we will be prepared with a simple incantation. That and, if you become too overwhelmed I will simply step in.”</p><p>She shot me a look and if I weren't impressed beforehand, I would be now. “I won't become too overwhelmed. What's the spell?”</p><p>I smile at her courage and stubbornness and take my wand and flick it. <em>“Riddikulus!”</em> I say clearly and with proper enunciation of the incantation.</p><p>Callie reaches for her hair and that's when I realize that her wand is what has been holding her hair up this entire time. She pulls out a reddish wand with a vine detailing at the end. It is straight with no defects and the delicateness and intricacies of the vine handling was as beautiful as the witch who wields it.</p><p><em>And that is the third time you've called her beautiful in half the hour. Even if it's not outloud, gather yourself, man.</em> I think to myself.</p><p>“Erm— Without wand first, please. <em>Riddikulus!</em>” I say, using my pointer finger to point towards her.</p><p><em>“Riddikulus!”</em> She says, keeping her wand at her side. Her voice was only slightly trembling so I gave a little grin.</p><p>“Very good. Let's try it just a little louder and very clear. Listen to the enunciation. <em>Riddikulus!</em>” I over exaggerate every syllable and Callie nods her head along with me. She takes in a deep breath. Closes her eyes and lets it fly.</p><p><em>“Riddikulus!”</em> There. She's done beautifully this time. No detection of fear other than the splotches on her arms and face. But a boggart won't care about that. What it will care about is her courage despite outward appearances.</p><p>“Very good. Now, the most important part of this is to think of something you find truly amusing. A boggart will not survive laughter. So, once it turns into your worst fear, keep your wits about you and force it to assume the shape of something that will make you laugh so hard, it has no choice but to combust.”</p><p>Callie smiles and nods her head. “Right. Let's go.”</p><p>“Are you sure you're ready?” I ask warily. I know she's hard headed and courageous but you never know what anyone's initial response will be when facing their worst fear.</p><p>“Open the wardrobe, Remus.” She says, her wand now pointed towards the mirrored door. She seems ready enough so I take a breath, lift my wand and unlock the wardrobe.</p><p>
  <em>Crack!</em>
</p><p>The door creeps open and out comes..</p><p>“Miss.. London..”</p><p>
  <em>Severus Snape?</em>
</p><p>Whatever I thought was going to come out of that wardrobe, I couldnt have possibly predicted. In all my years, I've never seen anyone's worst fear be their professor. He slowly glides toward her, hatred seething through his monotone voice. The silken purr of his words sucking the air out of our surroundings. Callie freezes and she takes in a sharp breath. She’s truly scared of him.</p><p>“I regret to inform you that Alastor Moody is dead.” I look from Boggart Severus over to Callisto, whose wand is no longer pointed at him with courage or determination. Her hand is shaking and her eyes are filling with tears as he continues. “Finian Killick has also met his demise. Seems a couple…” Severus’ eyebrows raise and a smirk seems to grace his thin, taut lips.</p><p>I want to stop this but I needed to give her a chance. That was the whole idea of this lesson.</p><p>“Keep your nerve steady, Miss London.” I whisper towards her but she isn't focused on me. She's focused on her fear. He continued his snarling monologue.</p><p>“.. dark wizards finally got the best of them. Of course, that's what they get for trusting you to keep them safe. You could hardly finish your OWLs and NEWTs, what with all that trembling you were doing while we were duelling.”</p><p>
  <em>He duelled her for her testing? How is that fair? Severus wasn't the best dueller when we were in school but he would have no trouble against a student.</em>
</p><p>“How could they have trusted you with their lives? I'm not even sure how you became an Auror in the first place. And now your mentor and your…” He looks her up and down, snarling his lip and scoffing. “Lover, was it? They're both dead.”</p><p>Callie is sobbing at this point, shaking her head and backing up as Severus towers over her. I need to stop this.</p><p>“You came to this school as nothing and now you've proven yourself to be exactly what you always were. A waste of magic. Remarkably inept. Nothing but an useless, insolent...”</p><p>I grip my wand and have to fight hard myself to remember that this is just a boggart. Not the real Severus. I raise my wand and go to use the spell when he finishes his thought, his voice deep and resonant. Gravitas heavy in his insult.</p><p>“Mudblood.”</p><p>Callie drops her wand, covering her ears and screaming while I jump in front of her, throwing myself at the boggart.</p><p>“Try me, Severus!” I say before the boggart flies into the air with a deafening noise.</p><p>
  <em>Crack!</em>
</p><p>Above our heads, clouds part to reveal a hazy full moon. I feel the hair on my arms and neck stand at end. My eyesight begins to sharpen, my skin begins to burn and before I lose myself I point my wand at the boggart and lazily call out.</p><p>
  <em>“Riddikulus!”</em>
</p><p>The moon turns into a balloon and as soon as it had appeared, it flies around the room losing its air and into the wardrobe that I then shut and locked with my wand.</p><p>I gather my breath for a moment, waiting for the burning to go away and my eyesight to return to normal. In my human form, they just barely work enough to not need corrective lenses. When I'm the Monster, I can see the dirt on a flea embedded into a cat’s skin.</p><p>When the cat is on a run.</p><p>I look up, breathing heavily when I become aware of the sniffling behind me. I slowly turn and Callisto is wiping her eyes, the mascara running down her cheeks in droves of black tears. She is picking at the hole in the knee of her jeans and her wand has rolled away to rest at my feet.</p><p>“I have to be the most pathetic witch you have ever seen. Professor Snape is my worst fear. Of all things.” She rasps, a haughty chuckle at the end of her incorrect description of what transpired. I don't say anything for a moment as I admire her wand. I run my thumb over the stunning vine handle and smile when I find that it is just slightly pliable.</p><p>I walk over to her and reach out my hand. Her chilled hand soothes the residual burn from the boggart full moon as she grips my hand in hers. I pull her to her feet and hand Callie her wand.</p><p>“Holly?” I ask, changing the subject so she is not embarrassed and she nods. “Holly. Dragonheart string. 9 and ½ inches.” She stares at her wand for a few moments and then glances towards the wardrobe as it wobbles from the boggart trying to get loose. “I'm sorry for--”</p><p>I close my eyes and shake my head. “There will be no apologies.” I slowly open my eyes and find she's watching me. Our eyes meet and I feel remorse for even asking her to do this in the first place. I can see she is still very shaken and I don't blame her, butnow it's my job to calm her. “I have seen everything from snakes and spiders to dead relatives. One person I saved from a boggart saw themselves lying dead on the floor. Each person handles their worst fear differently and had I known…”</p><p>I look back to the wardrobe and take a deep breath in. I cannot believe Severus would treat anyone like this, let alone a student. Especially someone as impressive as Callisto. And that word. Absolutely disgusting.</p><p>“Well, had I known he would be the one to come out, I would have given you more practice before letting the boggart out. I am sorry Miss London. I should have asked before..”</p><p>“You couldn't have known how that was going to go. It's not your fault. Next time, I will be ready. I will face him. And I will defeat the boggart. I just wish I could have faced mine like you faced yours. You did it so easily.”</p><p>I scoffed and reached into my pocket, grabbing a piece of chocolate and handing it to her. She gladly took it and had a large bite. The rose of her cheeks came back quickly and I slowly reached up to her face. She watched me do this and watched as I took my handkerchief and wiped the black tears from her face.</p><p>“I have had lots of practice, Miss London.” I dab the last tear away and make sure that no mascara is left on her cheeks. She takes her last bite of chocolate and sniffles.</p><p>“You insist I call you Remus, you're going to have to call me Callie. Or at the very least, Callisto.” She says with a smirk and I smile back at her.</p><p>“Right. Well, we're done with this lesson for now. Would you like some tea and biscuits before you go to change for class? If you want to change for class that is. Those Slytherins can handle street clothes. Or I can give them loads of classwork to do if they want to talk about your appearance. Though, I think they'll be too preoccupied talking about mine.” I said with a chuckle.</p><p>“You hear them?” She asks as she walks over to the table and sits on the couch, making herself a cup of tea and taking a handful of biscuits. I give a bittersweet smile knowing that she's heard the students talking about how I look.</p><p>“They don't keep their opinions to themselves, do they?” I laugh, sitting down across from her in a table chair. Callie shakes her head as she dips her biscuit in her tea. I grin at her quirkiness and she surprises me by moving to one side of the couch. She pats the cushion next to her and sighs.</p><p>“I don't bite. You can come over here.” I look at the empty cushion next to her and debate whether it's professional or not to sit next to her.</p><p>“Surely you don't bite. Come over here Remus.” I finally resign and move to sit next to her. Letting the fact that she was obviously oblivious to my condition bring space between us. Both physically and metaphorically. It was my understanding that the entire staff knew of my lycanthropy for theirs and my protection. Seems Albus thought it was better if Callisto did not know. Then again, she was an Auror before this. It was her job to stop monsters like me.</p><p>At least, according to the ministry it was. Ever since I was a little boy, my kind have been hunted. Arrested. Meant to live a life of poverty. I don't even know if I could blame them for doing it. Werewolves like Fenrir, they were the darkest kind of evil you could get. And even I thought of myself as a monster.</p><p>“If it means anything to you at all,” I say, taking a biscuit from the table and biting into it, trying to take my mind off my downfalls. “I am a half blood and so is Severus.” I reach forward and take the cup of tea I had poured earlier and pulled a sip from it. A bit tepid, but it'll do. “So, we both have muggle blood in us. Which is why I don't understand how he could ever use that word. And there is nothing to be ashamed of by being muggle born.”</p><p>“Oh, I'm not ashamed. Being called a mudblood doesn't bother me. I've heard it my whole life. It gets spit at me with every Dark Wizard I capture. I no longer flinch at it. All the same that I don't flinch at Voldemort.” I swallow my tea with a gulp and look over at her.</p><p>“Well, that is very brave. Not at all pathetic. And you..” I say pointing my biscuit at her. “are <em>not</em> useless. Insolent, maybe..” She reaches over and slaps my chest and I hiss again.</p><p>“I'm so sorry! I keep hitting you there.” She says, rubbing my chest with her hand and even though it hurts, I don't want her to stop. “I didn't mean for you to hear me yesterday so that's hardly insolent.”</p><p>
  <em>Why don't I want her to stop? Any other time I cannot stand physical touch. But she could touch me and I won't withdraw. Why?</em>
</p><p>“You should take a bath.” She says and I clear my throat, putting my tea down and smelling my cardigan. “I showered this morning. Do I smell?” I ask and she chokes on her tea, spitting it all over me.</p><p>“Oh God, no! I'm sorry! I just meant, a hot bath will soothe those wounds. Clean any infection out and should help with the swelling. A nice soak works wonders.” She wipes at my robes and scoffs. “Well, now you should bathe because I've showered you in tea.”</p><p>“A little spilled tea has never heard anyone. But I may soak tonight after dinner. Sounds quite nice.” I lean against the back of the couch and groan with pain. “I could use it after a day of facing the darkest magic there is..” I look over at her and smile. “Teenagers.” We both laugh as I set my wand down and watch it roll down the unlevel table into hers. The twist of my wand settles into the vine of hers.</p><p>“Cypress?” She asks and I nod, kneading my sore neck to try and rid myself from the residual pain quicker than usual.</p><p>“Unicorn hair. 10 and ¼ inches. I've had it since 1971. Ollivander handed it to me first. Said it was rare he only needed one wand before it chose me.” I gave her the boring details of my wand as I massaged. I sighed my response and Callie hummed.</p><p>“Then I suppose we're both rare then. Good old Ollivander handed that one to me on the first try. In 1981.” I stop kneading my neck and look up at her.</p><p><em>Merlin. She's only 21. At best 22.</em> I chastise myself silent as I grow a little uncomfortable sitting next to her like this. This is definitely not professional.</p><p>“But, Cypress and unicorn hair. That's noble. You're meant for great things.” She continues about my wand, oblivious to my discomfort with how I've been thinking. She then picks up her wand and quickly fashions that messy bun of hers with it, securing her Chestnut hair, the vine handle sticking out. I watch this before nodding, trying to shake the thought that I've been ogling a woman almost young enough to be a student of mine.</p><p>“Yeah, that's what the Sorting Hat said.” I say, sitting back and closing my eyes. Maybe I could use a bit of sleep after all. I'm struggling with myself.</p><p>“So if you have general disdain for Slytherins, you don't want me wearing my Hufflepuff scarf..” She teases and I sit up.</p><p>I open my eyes and clasp my hands behind my head, giving a scoff. She's trying to read me. I don't know if I like that. It's not too fun having your moves pulled against you. “I never said I didn't want you wearing it. I said the Slytherins wouldn't take too kindly to it.” I correct her.</p><p>“Last night you also said that I wouldn't want anyone mistaking me for an older Hufflepuff and that I must remain indifferent to the houses. Even though today you have not been. You're a little bit of a showboat with the wandless magic. Plus, you threw yourself in front of the boggart.” She says pointing over my chest towards the wardrobe. I look down at her wrist and catch another silver scar under her sweater. I silently wonder if we're more alike than I think when her proud smile catches my eye. “So, you must be a Gryffindor.”</p><p>I watch her for a moment before slowly grinning. “I take offense to the showboat jab you took there. But, yes, I am a Gryffindor.”</p><p>Callie laughs and grabs her empty tea cup before gesturing down to mine. I nod and she takes it into her arms as well, taking them to the sink. I watch her every step of the way and have to remind myself that I am over a decade older than her.</p><p>
  <em>And a werewolf. If she were to know that, she'd run away screaming, you fool.</em>
</p><p>“So I was right earlier..” she says, turning around and leaning against the sink, crossing her arms over her chest.</p><p>“Right about what?” I ask, waving my hand casually and smiling as she turns around to find the dishes doing themselves with a little bit of wandless magic.</p><p>She was going to call me a showboat regardless, might as well live up to it.</p><p>“The Lion,” she says pointing at me. “the Witch,” she says pointing at herself. And I chuckle when I realize where she's going. “and the Wardrobe.” She points to where the boggart is still fighting to get out.</p><p>“I think if there were a book based on us, it would be a completely different title.”</p><p><em>Beauty and the Beast</em>. I thought to myself with a little self loathing for everything I had thought earlier about this young woman.</p><p>“Pride and Prejudice? Given that I most certainly prejudged you yesterday and you are insanely prideful with your showboating.” She offers and I can't help but to laugh out loud. She happens to offer up a book that focuses entirely on societal class ranking and wealth. Something we both know a thing or two about.</p><p>Her being a muggle born and my being a werewolf and all.</p><p>“Callie, you may never have any idea how right you are.”</p><p>She stares at me for a moment, confused, before I pick up my wand and groan as I stand up.</p><p>“Come,” I say, stretching for a moment before pulling my robes together and starting for the door. “We have mouthy Slytherins to introduce ourselves to.” I smile as she walks over to me and waves her wand over my torso.</p><p>I scoff as I feel myself grow stronger and my body less painful.</p><p>“Save some stamina for yourself!” I call out toward her as she walks down the hall towards our classroom, laughing. “You're going to need it when they make fun of your holey jeans all day, Miss London!” She waves her wand at me again and I feel even better with that second charm she cast towards me.</p><p><em>“Now who's the showboat?” </em>I whisper before following her into the classroom.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Little Talks</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You did beautifully, Callisto! Absolutely marvelous!” Remus exclaims while he is cleaning up our classroom. He takes to picking up pieces of parchment, some Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans, some rubbish, and someone has left the core of an apple on the floor next to their book.</p><p>“I thought I made myself look like a proper git, actually. The kids were hanging onto your every word. When I jumped in to take on the boggart, they all laughed at me.” I admitted, thumbing at the end of my wand, nervous as to what he actually thought of my teaching skills.</p><p>“Ah. Draco Malfoy seems to be just as interested in his textbook as he was the practical lesson today.” He groans as he bends down to pick up the book, keeping it in one hand and the apple in the other. “I think they were more laughing at you turning Severus into a blithering prat.” Even he was laughing as he recalled the way I transformed my boggart. “The way you made his voice sound like he was sucking on helium. Amazing. Like I said, Callisto, you were beautiful.” He caught his words and stammered a bit before taking the apple and tossing it into the bin across the room. “I meant you performed the spell beautifully”</p><p>“I presume you were a Chaser when you were younger.” I say, changing the subject, it not being lost on me that he was rather uncomfortable with how his response could have made me feel. Remus chuckled as he placed Malfoy’s book on our desk at the front of the room. “The way you handled that apple core, I mean.” I realize that could have made the situation worse, calling him a chaser. He could’ve thought I meant women. Perhaps neither of us were too great at choosing the proper words.</p><p>“Absolutely not.” He sighed as he turned around to tidy up his desk. I smiled at the discontent in his voice and met him where he stood, tossing a bit of rubbish into the bin myself.</p><p>“You don't love quidditch?” I asked, honestly a little shocked. Every man I knew loved quidditch and either played it or watched with great fervor.</p><p>He shook his head, waving his hand behind him. I watched as the desks came together in neat rows once more while the shutters over the windows to the classroom shut simultaneously, shutting out the sunset and moonrise. “I always found the sport to be quite dreadful, really. The matches could go on for hours if not days. They were played in torrential storms. The snow.” He sat on the edge of his desk and sighed. “I gather I just didn’t have the..” Remus smiled as he chose his words next. “Right <em>temperament</em> for the sport, I’m afraid.”</p><p>Remus shifts his weight on his feet and I smile a bit at both his revelation and at the fact that he has been getting better day by day. His limp was gone, the bruises were fading and his face had all its color back. There were no longer dark circles under his eyes and his voice was no longer hoarse. His scars almost blended in with the rest of his skin when he was well. That or I was just getting used to them.</p><p>“My friends though.. they..” He stopped mid sentence and cleared his throat. He put his fingers to his lips and sat there for a moment before looking up at me, his green eyes shining with something I hadn’t seen yet. “Well, let’s just say my friends, they loved the game. And I loved them so.. I would sit through anything if it made them happy.”</p><p>The fact is, I found everything about him inviting. It started with his soothing, deep tenor of a voice. Soft when he spoke to children. Commanding when he spoke an incantation. It was a voice that made you feel safe. His whole demeanor was that way. It was as if he had this innate responsibility to protect people.</p><p>The way he jumped in front of Harry today for example, he let everyone face their fear admirably. Even Neville, who has been known around the school to be a bit of a scatterbrained wizard. Though, I do suspect he let him go first to also ease what I felt after our experience since Neville’s worst fear was Snape as well.</p><p>Harry, however, he treated differently than the others. As soon as Remus set eyes on Harry, his demeanor changed. It was as if he needed to be better, teach harder.</p><p>Then again, I think everyone treats Harry Potter differently.</p><p>And Harry didn’t even get a chance at the boggart. I barely caught a glimpse of the boggart turning into a dementor before Remus threw himself in front of the boy just like he had done with me. Once again, his boggart turned into a silver orb. I watched him closer this time. The hair raised on the back of his neck and the backs of his hands. He reacted lazily again to it.</p><p>Everyone deals with their fears differently, but what didn’t make sense to me is why he would willingly face his worst fear over and over again just to protect others from theirs.</p><p>I suppose he thought that Voldemort would appear. Merlin, even I thought he would. I had my wand out and ready. Funny that I don’t waste a second thought on fighting Voldemort but when Snape shows up I turn into a coward.</p><p>“I suppose I offended you. No doubt you find Quidditch exciting. Which, is fine. I’d just rather listen to music or—“</p><p>“Remus, I find Quidditch <em>repulsive</em>. You’re right, it takes entirely too long. The boys in the stands get way too enamored and passionate with it. And the weather is downright disgusting whenever they seem to have a match.”</p><p>“—- read a book. Really?!” He said, barely finishing his first thought before moving on to the next in the same breath. I gather that my disdain for the barbaric sport was shocking. Though I have no idea why.</p><p>“You act shocked, Remus. Like you're the first person to hate quidditch.” I laugh at his face, still stuck in a balk when he blinks several times before clearly his throat.</p><p>“I very well may have been the first. But you would make only the second person I know to not absolutely love it. Even McGonagall loves it.” I sit next to him on the desk and he looks down at the floor, sticking his hands in his robe pockets.</p><p>“Well, McGonagall played.” I offered and Remus snapped his head up.</p><p>“Really? I suppose I should have known that. She was the one that recruited..” He stopped short of saying their names once more and I found myself scowling in curiosity. “Oh Hell, I suppose I should just tell you, you’ll find out soon enough anyways. Come, have tea with me? We can talk and get to know each other a little better. ” He offers, walking towards the door, holding his hand out.</p><p>“Do you have anything harder? If I'm going to be spilling all the details about me, I'd rather break the ice with some liquor.” I ask, rubbing the back of my neck, feeling the weight of today’s lessons coming down on me. I walked past Remus who chuckled as he closed the classroom door behind us.</p><p>“I suppose I could conjure up some Fire whiskey or some wine for us. That is..” He looks to his side down at me and smiles. “You <em>are</em> quite a deal younger than me. Are you of age, dear?”</p><p>I slug him with a closed fist and this time he doesn’t flinch or call out in pain. He’s finally healed there. Good. The stamina charms worked.</p><p>“I’m 23, I’ll have you know. Besides, if I’m old enough to have Unforgivable Curses aimed at my head then I’m old enough to have a drink. What’s the saying? You’re old enough to die but not old enough to enjoy life?”</p><p>“I’m afraid some of us are destined for a life that is not for the faint of heart. No matter the age.” He says solemnly and I can’t help but think that he’s not just talking in generalities. “I think I can grab a couple glasses for us. That is if you don’t have a long journey home.” He looks down at me once more, this time a mischievous grin graces his face.</p><p>“I am just down the hall from you. I think I’ll manage.”</p><p>We make it to the door and he opens it for me, placing his hand on my lower back, still grinning. I close my eyes at the warmth of his hand on my back. He is always so…</p><p>“Of course, Miss London. Just being a gentleman.”</p><p>I open my eyes and smile back at him. “You’re always a gentleman, Remus.” I find myself comfortable around him. At ease. More than happy to be myself and I never feel that way around anyone. Remus gives me a shy grin and shuffles before he looks to the open door. I have been standing here longer than one should when the door has been graciously opened for them.</p><p>I take the cold step away from his touch and walk into his room. It is dark until candles around the room are lit all at once and I know without looking that he’s conjured the flames with a wave of his hand. I no longer know if he’s genuinely this much of a show off or if he does it out of convenience.</p><p>It does get rather old pulling a wand out whenever you need something and if you’re powerful enough to do it, might as well just give a wordless wave.</p><p>“You’ve known me but a week, Callisto. First impressions can be deceiving.” He murmurs, that educated timbre of his falling in a more mancunian accent. “For all you know..” He drawls, finishing pouring what smells to be fire whiskey into tumblers for us. He swiftly turns around and without a limp in his gate, moves towards me handing me a glass, that smile of his growing by the second.</p><p>“I could be a monster.” He finishes and now I'm smiling.</p><p>“If you're a monster, Remus Lupin, then I’m Voldemort.” I take a warm sip of whiskey and plop down on the couch, patting the space next to me. “Now, tell me all your deepest darkest secrets, like why is your boggart a crystal ball?”</p><p>Remus chokes on his whiskey and immediately starts to stammer out an apology while he wipes away the alcohol from his jumper. I can't help but laugh.</p><p>“I'm sorry, Callisto. I just..” He sighs and sits down next to me, still wiping away what he spit out in his choking fit. “Tickle in my throat.” He says simply as I'm still giggling at the mess he made. “Well, let's just start with the little secrets and work our way to the deepest darkest ones. But,” He looks up at me and sets his hand on the top of the couch, studying me.</p><p>“Ladies first, please.” </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Mr. Pitiful</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She loves the color blue.</p><p>
  <em>“Not that annoying light blue, though. The deep blue. Midnight blue. The ocean when the sun is barely rising. Sapphires against a night sky.”</em>
</p><p>She was born in May.</p><p>
  <em>“I’m a Taurus. Which is the bull. That’s pretty fitting I think. I’m as stubborn as they come. My mom always said bullheaded. Which is great. But I am devoted. Reliable. You were born when? March 10th, you say? Oh, a Pisces. Fish. But you’re empathetic and creative. Tend to be closed off though. Overly emotional.”</em>
</p><p>Well she hit the nail on the head with that one. Maybe there was something to astrology after all.</p><p>She loves the rain.</p><p>
  <em>“Rain is great isn’t it? I just love how calming it is. A good rainstorm just slows everything down. Washes everything away. Makes everything green again. If you’re ever stressed, or I suppose, if I’m ever stressed or in a hurry— that first thunderclap. The release when the rain falls. It’s peaceful. Everything is quieted. I don’t know. You can read a book, listen to music, lay outside in it. I just love rain.”</em>
</p><p>She talks a mile a minute after a few drinks.</p><p>
  <em>“We’ve only been talking about me. I’m so sorry. I’m just like— you should’ve stopped me Remus. Gosh, I’m such a git. You must be tired or—- Oh, you’re not? You’re sure? Okay, well— yeah. Well my favorite band is probably Nirvana.”</em>
</p><p>I could listen to her talk for hours at a time without interrupting her. She is strong. Bull headed like none other, but strong. Independent. I knew that from the moment I heard her calling me a stupid git. Callisto London isn't afraid to tell you how it is. Or how she'll be.</p><p>I can see why Alastor and Albus took a liking to her.</p><p>I fancy her a bit myself. More than I care to admit.</p><p>It's been weeks since that late night conversation and I can’t shake her from my thoughts. Seems whenever I’m through grading essays or coercing kappas back where they belong, she’s at the back of my mind. I’ve been doing everything I can to keep busy but I knew sooner than later, I’d be hobbled up in a bed again, transformation scratching and gnawing at my edges of my humanity.</p><p>That time is now.</p><p>Merlin, saying I hurt is an absurd understatement. I’m easy to anger. I can smell whatever shampoo the students have been using, or not using in a few nasty cases, from across the castle. Even with the Wolfsbane. Snape brought me my weeks worth a few days ago and I’ve been throwing it down every night but it’s horrid. It was a bitter, nasty mess. I couldn’t even add sugar to it, it made it useless to me. It would be as beneficial as butterbeer. So I was stuck with it. Gulping it down. Trying not to vomit. I’d rather drink poison.</p><p>Honestly, I spent the few moments after choking the smoky concoction down wondering if this was the time that Snape <em>would</em> poison me. Not that I would blame him. Hell, I would even welcome it.</p><p>Death would be a release from it all. From losing my family and my friends. The only person left was a murderous madman on the loose. Death would free me from what I know about him.</p><p>Death would free me from a lot of things. Isolation. Self loathing. Ridicule. Poverty.</p><p>But most of all, it would free <em>me</em>. The Monster would finally die. Gone forever. Can’t hurt a soul.</p><p>And there would be no reason for anyone to continue to feel responsible for my soul. Albus, Minerva, and even Severus. Even if he doesn’t want to be responsible. He’s been made to be responsible. Perhaps that’s the worst of all.</p><p>Even those who do not wish to associate with me are responsible for my soul, or lack thereof, and my condition. All for my benefit.</p><p>I hate that.</p><p>I hate myself.</p><p>
  <em>Knock knock knock knock knock</em>
</p><p>I look up from the self deprecating I am doing in my sickbed and pause those ever intrusive thoughts.</p><p><em>Knock knock</em>.</p><p>“Bloody hell” I groan as I sit up on the edge of my bed, wiping the sweat off my brow and looking down at myself. I am soaked in my own sweat, sore from all the aching my shifting bones are doing to prepare for the full moon. I have a massive headache and my stomach is rolling just thinking of drinking the smoking potion sitting on my bedside table.</p><p>I am a pathetic excuse for a man right now. Hell, I am a pathetic excuse of a werewolf.</p><p>I know it’s her before I open the door. Her scent hangs in the air wherever she goes. Sweet but tart, just like her personality. Like a green apple on a hot summer day. And how eager I seem to be as I nearly skip to the door aside from my current condition, ready to take a bite out the deliciousness that permeates the air.</p><p><em>Calm yourself</em>. I silently tell the Monster before taking a moment and gathering myself. I clear my throat and swing the door open.</p><p>“About time you..” The brilliant smile falls from her face and in an instant a delicate hand with black nails covers a gasp that falls from her lips and I know now that this moon will not be friendly to me. “Good God.”</p><p>Wolfsbane or no. I’m not used to muggle language anymore but for someone to bring God into this and not Merlin, well, I must look how I feel.</p><p>She rushes in, sticking a cold hand to my forehead and I almost yelp from the temperature difference. Her hands are like ice. I’m silently cursing to myself both at the pain I feel when her hand touches my pounding head and the stupidity of letting her in. There’s a few hours before the moon shows up and the Monster comes out so she’s safe now but from how I’m already feeling, I need to get her out of here. Quickly.</p><p>“Remus— you need to go to the hospital wing. Now.”</p><p>“Callisto, I’m fine.” I start but she cuts me off, trying to pull out her wand but I watch it get caught in her robes. Her new, all black robes. I smile at her new purchase and also notice her black dress slacks and gray jumper underneath of them. She has a white dress shirt with a blue tie underneath. She’s dressed for success for the weekend. Must’ve had to take the kids to Hogsmeade. Maybe stayed late for a date.</p><p>“You are <em>not</em> fine, Remus Lupin. You are sick. You’re burning up!” She huffs as she wipes her hand on her slacks before finally yanking her wand out of her robes. “You’re drowning in your own sweat. Your temperature must be through the roof. We have to take you to Madam Pomfrey”</p><p>I’m still fixated on her outfit. Her use of the blue tie. Not that annoying light blue, however. It’s a dark blue. Midnight blue. I frown when I realize what she said weeks ago. She detests the color of her own eyes. Her eyes are icy blue. The most gorgeous light blue I’ve ever seen in my life. Yet, she finds that color annoying by her own sentiments.</p><p>“Are you deaf, too? Whatever is ailing you is making you loopy.”</p><p>Her words caught me. In an instant I was somewhere else entirely. In a different time.</p><p>
  <em>“Loony loopy Lupin. Loony loopy Lupin! Loony loopy Lupin!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Don’t pay attention to him, Remus. Peeves lost his mind ages ago.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Loony, loopy, Lupin!!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oi! Peeves, there will be one less ghost in this castle if you don’t learn to keep your musical musings to yourself!</em>
</p><p><em>Let’s head out early, boys. Go to Honeydukes. You up for it? I know Prongs is. Come on, we’ll get you a big bar of chocolate, aye, Moony?</em>”</p><p>I close my eyes as tight as I could manage, praying that tears don’t fall. Not here. Not now. It was as if I dropped my head into a Pensieve. Felt just as real as it had all those years ago.</p><p>“I’m <em>not</em> loopy nor am I deaf. I just..” I let out a heavy sigh and open my eyes, bringing myself out of my own memories. “If I can assure you that I know what I’m doing, will you please just come in and for Merlin's sake, let me sit down?”</p><p>Through blurry eyes, I see a determined Callisto. She has her feet set in front of me, wand on me pointedly, and one perfectly arched eyebrow cocked high on her forehead.</p><p>“You have one minute to convince me, Lupin. Otherwise I will hit you with an Imperius Curse so fast, I’ll make your own head spin. And then I will make you go to the hospital wing.” She said matter of factly, that eyebrow never twitching from its intimidating perch.</p><p>“That’s an unforgivable curse, Miss London. You wouldn’t dare.” I say with a slight laugh, challenging her.</p><p>“I’m an Auror, Mr. Lupin. Try me.” That’s all she says back and to be perfectly honest that was all she had to say. She means every word and I can see that as I stare at the unwavering wand aimed at my chest. A chest where there is a heart threatening to beat out of it. I could hear it. I could also hear hers beating rather quickly itself.</p><p>
  <em>Why am I attracted to her threatening me?</em>
</p><p>It’s almost unnerving being this excited by someone threatening to take away my free will when it’s been something I’ve had to live in fear with my whole life. Once a month I lose my free will, so the Imperius Curse is nothing new to me. Except, I suppose in this instance, I would be losing my free will with good intentions. Perhaps the only forgiveness that could be given for using an unforgivable curse would be this moment.</p><p>With this beautiful, brilliant, and bold witch before me.</p><p>I don’t want to test her though because while the air is perfumed with apples and sleep, sweat and Wolfsbane, it is what I do not smell that intrigues me.</p><p><em>Fear</em>.</p><p>Callisto is not scared. I would challenge in the little time I’ve known her that very few things scare her. She is not scared of Voldemort nor Death Eaters. She is not scared of death because she chose a job where she faces the odds of that every day.</p><p>Which is why I find it so concerning that her one fear I do know of, is Severus Snape. Something I haven’t asked for clarification for. I haven’t earned it and I don’t know if I ever will earn it. However, that does not stop my concern.</p><p>“Thirty seconds.” She states curtly and I finally blink and get a hold of myself. How she leaves me speechless and stuck in my own head is extraordinary but I don’t wish to be under her spell.</p><p>At least not this one.</p><p>“There’s a potion on my bedside table. It is the only thing that can help me.” I lament, giving in. “Madam Pomfrey, spells, anything else other than this potion and time would be futile, I’m afraid.” I breathe heavily, pain rocking me as the full moon grows near. I need to take that potion before it is all for not. “So, take my free will if you must but it’s just going to be a waste of time. Time you don’t have.” I sighed, leaning my heavy head against my arm that rests on the door still in my grasp.</p><p>She’s still staring at me as I look at her so as much as I don’t wish to move, I have to.</p><p>“There.” I say as I step aside, trying not to groan from pain. “You see?” I point to the goblet, blue smoke rising from it as pungent as some of the students who refuse to shower daily. There really should be a class over proper hygiene for teenagers but that’s a thought for another day. “I never lie.” I said, and while it was honest, I also was keeping from her my being a werewolf.</p><p>
  <em>Something she would surely be terrified of. You, Severus, and losing those most important to her. Which does not include you. Will never include you.</em>
</p><p>“A goblet of…” I look away from the Wolfsbane and into her questioning eyes. The eyebrow is lowered, and her wand is now slowly doing the same thing. “<em>Smoking blue</em> potion.” She says simply and I nod simply in return. She walks past me and picks up the goblet. She instantly moves her head away, disgust plain on her face.</p><p>“Rem— that’s horrible.” I walk back to my bed and sit down, the well worn mattress creaking under my weight. I try my best to not take delight in a nickname but it is so much more enjoyable than what I’m used to.</p><p>“Yeah..” I say with a groan as I wave her to give the goblet to me. She looks down at it again, pausing for a moment before blinking and handing it to me. “I suppose if it tasted like pumpkin juice or butterbeer, everyone would want to take potions. It’s for conditions.” I gulp down the potion, shuddering as I fight the urge to cough it back up. I put the goblet down gently and hold my other hand in a fist against my lips to keep it in. “It’s not supposed to taste good. Utter shame that sugar renders it useless, though.” I rasp, groaning as I rub my matted down hair out of my eyes.</p><p>I wiped the sweat onto my bed and sighed. I hate that she had to see me like this. Seeing me after a transformation is bad enough. Seeing what happens to me right before it? I’ve seen enough lingering glances my whole life to know that it’s worse. The only thing that would make it utterly terrifying would be for her to see me while it’s happening.</p><p>I’ve seen the effect on those I love the most, and if it is the last thing I have control of, I’ll make sure that Callisto never witnesses that.</p><p>Merlin help me. God help me. Anyone. I won’t let her see that. I can’t let her see that.</p><p>
  <em>She won’t accept you. She’ll go running the other way. That or she’ll arrest you. Kill you. Or worse.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Out you.</em>
</p><p>“Did you—“ My hand is taken from abusing the bridge of my nose trying to quell my disparaging thoughts. Her cold hand found mine but this time I relished in the relieving sensation against my burning, painful skin. “Did you make this potion yourself?” She asks, taking her hand from mine and placing it on my cheek. I gladly rest against it, closing my eyes.</p><p>“Erm. No. I’m ruddy awful at potions. I could muck up a simple one. This one is particularly complex. I’d probably poison myself. Sev—“ I opened my eyes suddenly expecting her to flinch or for the smell of fear to fill the room but it didn’t. She didn’t. “Severus made it for me.” I finish quietly.</p><p>“That was nice of him.” Callisto doesn’t seem to be mad. There’s sincerity in her voice. “Maybe he’s more humane than I thought. Maybe it’s just my bad experiences with him but I do find it almost admirable that he is offering his ingredients and expertise to you.” She rubs my temples as if she knew the pounding of the blood and the thoughts I’m suppressing against the walls of my skull.</p><p>“Almost?” I murmur to her as she massages the pain into a dull ache.</p><p>“Almost.” She says with a laugh. “He’s never been humane to me. There’s a reason why he is my boggart, Remus.” I felt my mood lower when she didn’t use the nickname she had before. Perhaps that was just my false hope.</p><p>Perhaps she hadn’t said it at all.</p><p>“He’s hardly admirable in my eyes. Just based on my experience” She shrugs and I take a deep breath in. The sweet but tart apple is stronger now and it’s mingling in with the new robe smell. And one more thing that made my ears perk. “But I suppose everyone is due their moments. Maybe this is one of them.” She sounds resigned to her sentiments. As if she didn’t believe them but wanted them to be real so badly.</p><p>“Your hands are always like ice. Which usually shocks me, but..” I didn’t expect to blurt that out but I felt the sudden urge to change the subject. The need to protect her from her own intrusive thoughts. “Well, right now it’s rather soothing.” I put my hands on hers and place them at the base of my neck where a lot of the pain is.</p><p>“You always smell like warmth.” She whispers as the pads of her fingers rub at the tender muscles in my neck and back. My head falls against her shoulder which was much warmer than her frozen hands. “And comfort.”</p><p>“How can you smell like warmth and comfort?” I whispered back, knowing that I need to pull away. She’s too young. I’m too..</p><p>“It changes. Sometimes it’s tea. Sometimes it’s like a fresh fire on a snowy night. Lately it’s parchment and chocolate. But you are always warm, maybe too warm, like right now.” She gives a little laugh and puts the ice on my fiery forehead. “Seems the potion is working.” She gently pushes my head up and I open my eyes and find hers.</p><p>“You smell like…” I take a shaky breath in and smile. “Summer and..” I look away for a second at the watch on my night stand. It was getting too close for comfort. I needed to get her out so I could keep her safe. “Risks. But, I need to sleep this off, I’m afraid, so I’ll explain that to you next talk. After all, I might be able to get a word in next time.” I flick my eyes back to Callisto and she seems to be staring a hole right through me.</p><p>Maybe she’s wondering if I’ll make it through this sickness to the next talk. Maybe she’s wondering if she should use the curse on me anyways. Maybe she’s wondering why she’s dealing with this old, sick man instead of the seemingly capable boyfriend Boggart Snape brought up that first lesson.</p><p>“Right..” she whispers, moving my sweaty bangs from my eyes. She stares into my eyes for longer than one usually would. I furrow my eyebrow.</p><p><em>Or maybe she’s not</em>. I allow myself to hope for a moment before the moment is gone.</p><p>“Right!” She says louder as she blinks, backing away from me and in an instant I feel what little relief she provided evaporate. “I should let you sleep. It’s getting late and I need to give these robes a proper wash.” She turns and walks towards the door, muttering something to herself.</p><p>“Right. I noticed the new robes. They’ll be great for you leading the classes for the first time tomorrow.” She stopped instantly in her tracks and without turning to me, spoke.</p><p>“Leading?” She asks and I clear my throat.</p><p>“Yeah, see, erm—“ I look up at the goblet and the watch and I know I don’t have enough time to explain everything. Everything I could explain since Dumbledore didn’t tell her himself and now I was worried her knowing would cause her to..</p><p>Well…</p><p>
  <em>Leave. Like everyone else.</em>
</p><p>I closed my eyes and swallowed down my thoughts. “This is why you were brought in. To lead classes when I’m ill like this. Which, is…” I sighed hard and pinched my nose again. “Quite a few times, I’m afraid. I have a condition…”</p><p>“Are you dying?” She turned her head to the side and I could see her staring at her wand that she now held in her hand.</p><p>“What? No. It’s just..” I chuckle, my eyes still on her wand she still had her grip on.</p><p>
  <em> What was she going to do? Put me out of my misery if I said yes?</em>
</p><p>“I get sick a lot but it’s something I’ve lived with nearly my whole life. I just need help every now and then. Which is where you come in. You’ll do beautifully though, Callisto. It’s just grindylows. Those are easy compared to the Kappas we just had. The key is to—-“</p><p>“Break their grip. I know.” She finally turns and looks at me.</p><p>“See? You’ll teach a beautiful lesson” I say pointing at her. “The rest of the classes have essays to work on. Nothing to worry about. Except maybe Malfoy.” I know she can see the twinkle in my eyes as I tease her.</p><p>“I can handle Malfoy. And you think everything I do is beautiful, it seems.” She says back, biting her bottom lip and now I think I am going loopy. She smiles at me for a moment or two before I speak without thinking.</p><p>“Right again.” I say in a low tone, thinking maybe she wouldn’t hear me if I spoke low enough. The blush on her face told me I was wrong. But I didn’t mind being wrong. Not about that.</p><p>I don’t know if it was the wolf coming to the surface or if I were just feeling bold from the fever that comes with this. Maybe it was just her effect on me. I wish I had the time to find out but with every tick of the clock that was becoming louder and louder, there was more and more risk of this all.</p><p>“Well, Remus, I’ll be going. I’ll cover the grindylows and make sure the rest are working on their essays. But, I’m coming back tomorrow night to check on you and if you’re even one smidge worse..” She points her finger at me and I raise my hands in self defense.</p><p>“Imperius straight to Pomfrey. I know.” I lower my hands with a chuckle and she’s back in front of me, smiling. She takes my wet hair and styles it back.</p><p>“I got these robes in Hogsmeade with the kids. As well as this..” She rustles in her pockets and then pulls out the biggest bar of chocolate I’ve seen in my life. I take it from her and look up at her in appreciation. “You’re always offering chocolate to me and the kids and I’ve noticed you like to snack on it yourself.” She says with a shrug. “Figured you could use the good stuff.”</p><p>“I think I was wrong about what I said earlier.” I smile before holding up the chocolate. “This is the one other thing that can help. Thank you, Callisto. This..” I sigh and put it on my nightstand. “This is great. Thank you.”</p><p>“You’re welcome.” She said softly with a grin, pushing one errant hair back out of my eyes. “I gotta go. But I’ll be here tomorrow night after classes to check on you.”</p><p>I nod and smile back at her. She held my cheek for a moment before walking back to the door, backwards. Her eyes twinkled and she waved her hand.</p><p>
  <em>Sittin in the mornin sun<br/>I’ll be sitting when the evening comes<br/>Watching the ships roll in and then I watch them roll away again<br/>I’m sitting on the dock of the bay watching the tide roll away<br/>I’m just sitting on the dock of the bay wasting time</em>
</p><p>I look from my vinyl player that started playing by itself back to Callisto.</p><p>“Seems there’s beautiful lessons regardless of who is teaching.” She said with a wink as I see her wand isn’t out and she did that with just a wave of her hand. “Music always helps me. I’ll see you tomorrow, Lupin.”</p><p>“The only thing I have to look forward to, Miss London.”<br/>She stays for a moment before opening the door as I lay down in my bed.</p><p>
  <em>Sitting here restin my bones<br/>And this loneliness won’t leave me alone<br/>Two thousand miles I’ve roamed<br/>Just to make this dock my home</em>
</p><p>I close my eyes and sing with Otis, just waiting for the change to start.</p><p>“<em>And he’s a good singer..</em>” I hear her murmur to herself before she closes the door behind her. “<em>Lumos</em>.” I hear her say and then listen to her fading footsteps. When the apple scent leaves my senses, my grin hurting my cheeks I get up, locking my door behind her to keep out any other unexpected visitors.</p><p>There’s white popping noise in between songs as I see the full moon start to rise. I take my shirt off and my sweatpants. I toss them in the corner of my room so that I don’t ruin them during the transformation. I remove the old quilted blanket from school that James gave me from my bed.</p><p>I curl up on the mattress and relish in my last minute of just being human before the moon comes to take that away from me for tonight. Singing to Otis one more time, relishing in her singing comment.</p><p>
  <em>These arms of mine<br/>They are burning<br/>Burning from wanting you<br/>These arms of miiiiiiine<br/>They are wanting<br/>Wanting to hold you<br/>And if youuuuuuuu</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Wicked Games</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>She said</em>
  <br/>
  <em>My what big eyes you have</em>
  <br/>
  <em>My what a tongue you have</em>
  <br/>
  <em>My what sharp teeth you have</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I'm a sinner</em>
  <br/>
  <em>A rebel</em>
  <br/>
  <em>When night falls I’m the…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Wolf” - Miguel</em>
</p><p>——</p><p>My first day of teaching was going to be a hard one from the very beginning. None of it was Remus’ fault of course. You can’t help when you are too ill to teach. He had set me up beautifully as he would so graciously put it.</p><p>The first and fifth years had essays they had to complete so all I had to do after breakfast was monitor the room. The hard part was keeping the students on task because there was only one thing on their minds.</p><p>
  <em>How in the bloody hell did Sirius Black get into the castle last night?</em>
</p><p>Personally, I’d like an answer to that as well but so far I haven’t gotten one. As soon as I left Remus’ room, McGonagall found me. Told me that Black had tried to get into the Gryffindor common room and had destroyed the Fat Lady’s painting.</p><p>Luckily the Fat Lady was okay, but embarrassed and shocked so she’s still hiding in a painting down the hall. I had barely gotten out that Remus was sick in his room when McGonagall practically sprinted us to the Astronomy Tower to check for any signs of Sirius.</p><p>Seemed that everyone was in agreement that both Black hadn’t bothered to stay around long enough to get caught and that Remus was safer in his room than roaming the castle with us.</p><p>Everyone but me.</p><p>After McGonagall had left to tell Dumbledore we didn’t see any signs of Black, I conjured my patronus and sent it bounding away to find Alastor or Finian. Hopefully both would answer with a sign that they were okay. If anyone would be searching for Black, it would be those two.</p><p>
  <em>And if he walked through Hogwarts under his own will, that’s not a good sign. Your boggart may be as real as they get.</em>
</p><p>“Do you have any ideas as to how he could’ve done it?”</p><p>A very clever Fifth year, Cedric Diggory, caught my attention with his question.</p><p>“I have just as many as the rest of you, Cedric, but I’m afraid the only person who knows for sure is the man himself.” I said with a sigh as I looked away from Remus’ jumper that was sitting on a chair in the back of the classroom. I was just as worried about Remus as I was Alastor and Finian.</p><p>“I was afraid of that.” The boy said quite simply before going back to his essay. “Let’s hope the Aurors can catch him. And then we’ll never have to find out again.”</p><p>
  <em>Yes, Cedric. Let’s.</em>
</p><p>——</p><p>I tried to check on Remus before the last class of the day, our Third years, but when I went by after lunch no one answered the door. The only thing that kept me from kicking the door in was that I could hear his very loud, very deep snoring.</p><p>
  <em>He is alive.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And that’s more than you can confidently say about the other two.</em>
</p><p>I try to shake the morbid thought from my mind but I can’t help but wonder. I haven’t heard from Finian since the start of school. He was usually very good at keeping up with me. But that was when we were working together every day. Or dating.</p><p>We’re neither. And Alastor, well, he wasn’t much for conversation ever. But I just know that Black being spotted in Hogsmeade and now being able to come into Hogwarts on his own is not a great sign. For anything.</p><p>As I’m walking through the corridor, I realize it’s strangely empty and that’s when it hits me.</p><p>I’m late for my own class. I was so worried about Remus, Alastor, and Finian that I completely blanked on the time.</p><p>I take off at a dead sprint and come running into the classroom.</p><p>“Sorry, everyone. I lost a bit of the time..”</p><p>“Yes… Miss London.. I do believe you have..”</p><p>I stop dead in my tracks from closing the door, a cold sweat has washed over me and I don’t know which emotion that is coursing through me is going to burst through first: fear or anger.</p><p>“Professor London, Snape is—“</p><p>Harry is desperately trying to get my attention, walking towards me but before he can reach, he’s grabbed by the shoulder.</p><p>“You will refer to me with respect, Potter. I do not find it amusing that you would give a person only a few years older than you the title of Professor when she’s hardly earned it. Ten points from Gryffindor.”</p><p>“But, sir! Like I said before, we’re not to start nocturnal creatures for weeks! Where is Professor Lupin? Surely he left a lesson plan?” Hermione is standing right next to him, trying her damnedest to keep our classroom intact and on track and I'm forever grateful for students like her. They make the job worth having.</p><p>“Miss Granger, that is the second time you’ve spoken out of turn in as little as two minutes. Professor Lupin is feeling too ill to teach today and I believe I asked both of you to.. <em>sit</em>… <em>down</em>. Five more points from Gryffindor and if I have to ask you again, it’ll be fifty.”</p><p>I closed my eyes, trying to will myself to speak up. Trying to will myself to put this foul man in his place. He has no right to do what he is doing. He has no right to be here. But I’m caught where I’m standing. Frozen. Unable to move. Unable to speak. But my mind is racing.</p><p>“Professor London, please.” This time it is Hermione pleading with me to do something. Anything. And there are several things I would love to do but I don't have the nerve.</p><p><em>Keep your nerve steady</em>.</p><p>I hear Remus in my subconscious telling me I can do this. This is just like the boggart, Callisto. Come on. You've got this.</p><p>“As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, Professor Lupin has not left me record of what you have or haven’t discussed..” His slow drawl makes me sick to my stomach. He makes me sick to my stomach.</p><p>“Please, sir! We’ve done Boggarts, Red Caps, Kappas and now I believe we’re starting Grindylows if I had to take a guess from the one on their desk. And it’s not just Professor Lupin's class, it’s— ” Hermione points over to me but the meddling man pays no attention.</p><p>“<em>Be. Quiet</em>. I wasn’t asking for information. I was commenting on his complete lack of organization.”</p><p>“Professor Lupin and Professor London are the best Defence Against The Dark Arts teachers we’ve had!” Dean Thomas blurts out to which I hear everyone else start to agree and that’s when I feel it. Confidence. They believe in me.</p><p>“You are easily satisfied. Lupin is hardly teaching you. I would expect first years to be able to handle Red Caps and Grindylows. It’s not a wonder why they brought in more than one to teach you. Either of them hardly a Professor. Now, turn to page 394.“</p><p>I feel my hands shake as I ball them into a fist. I close my eyes and hear a harsh turning of pages and what I hear next sends me into a blind rage.</p><p>“<em>Werewolves</em>?” Ron sounds as confused as ever. Me?</p><p>I'm livid at it all.</p><p>“But sir!”</p><p>“Which one of you can answer the difference between a werewolf and an animagus?” He ignores Hermione’s pleas and her raised hand and I look up to see he’s started a slideshow of werewolves. “No one? Professor Lupin hasn’t even taught you the basic distinctions? Truly shocking.” He says in a monotone, insulting snarl with a sick twisted smile on his thin pale lips.</p><p>“Well we told you, we weren't meant to start werewolves for weeks..” Parvati comes to the rescue. Or attempts to.</p><p>“<em>Silence</em>! I truly never thought that I would come across third years who wouldn’t even recognize a werewolf when they saw one. I shall tell Professor Dumbledore how truly behind and inept you all are.”</p><p>“Professor London, please, do something..” Harry is hissing at me. “You know why he’s doing this. He wants to take this from you and Professor Lupin. Don't let him.” I nod and take a step forward. I open my mouth to talk but Hermione interjects.</p><p>“Sir! An animagus is a wizard who <em>elects</em> to turn into an animal. A werewolf has no choice. With each full moon, his body transforms and he no longer remembers who he is. He’d kill his best friend if he crossed his path. Furthermore, the werewolf only responds to the call of its own kind.”</p><p>She is truly remarkable and makes me proud to call myself her teacher, although, I really don't think she needs Remus or myself. She could teach the class if she desired.</p><p>“<em>Awoooooo</em>!” Malfoy calls out and I’ve had enough. Enough of the privilege. Enough of the entitlement. Enough of the blatant disrespect.</p><p>“Twenty points from Slytherin for being <em>insufferable</em> and incapable of restraining yourself, Mr. Malfoy.” I say walking to the front of class, taping the projector with my wand and shutting it off.</p><p>Severus stares at me with contempt and malevolence stuck on his pale, sallow, cold features. If looks could kill I would probably die right there.</p><p>“I didn’t hear the Professor say that.” Malfoy spat at me from behind my back. I turned to him and dropped his book he had left on the first day of classes in front of him and gave my own twisted grin to the mouthy boy.</p><p>“I <em>am</em> the Professor.” He glared at me, disgust apparent in the entitlement he seemed to bathe in. I turned and gave my own death glare to Severus. “Professor Snape was mistaken about who will be covering the lesson plan for Professor Lupin when he is ill. As there are already two professors for this class, we won’t be needing a third. I believe you were just leaving, right Severus?”</p><p>He tilts his head at me, eyes widening and I can tell he wants to rip into me right now. His yellow, uneven teeth bare as he snarls at me. He wants to insult me just as badly as he did when I was his student. But I am not his student. And he is going to realize that. One way or another.</p><p>He doesn’t move. His paper thin lip twitches and I think he may fire insults at me at any moment. But I said the next time I was in front of him, I’d face my fear. Only this time, he is very real. It is not a boggart I can make sound like Mickey Mouse. He needs motivation to leave.</p><p>I'll gladly provide it.</p><p>“For every passing moment I lose teaching my class, I’ll deduct points from your House, Professor Snape. I’ll make it to where you’ll never win a house cup ever again. Trust me, I have plenty of reasons to deduct points from Slytherin.” I move so close to him that I can smell the grease in his hair and the must from his black cloak that he insists on wearing too tightly. I look up at him and smile before speaking so low that I’m positive only he can hear me.</p><p>“I am not as patient as my counterpart is, Severus. Nor will I be giving you or your house student as much grace as Remus has. I suggest you leave me to teach the children.”</p><p>Snape huffs and cocks that sharp eyebrow of his. I’m staring up the long, hooked bridge of his nose into his cold black eyes and I lower my eyes at him.</p><p>“And if you criticize Remus, teaching or otherwise, <em>ever</em> again, you’ll be very sorry for the rest of your life.”</p><p>“Is that so?” He says in the most sinister tone he can manage. But I'm not moved.</p><p>“Absolutely. Or, have you forgotten who I still work for?” I ask, taking my wand and touching his left forearm with it. He yanks his arm away and without another word, strides down the middle of my classroom, his cloak making him appear like an overgrown bat, out the door. Slamming it.</p><p>There's an uproar of cheers throughout most of the class except for a group of a few Slytherins who are grumbling and scowling.</p><p>“My father will hear about this.” Draco spits and I turn to look at him, crossing my arms.</p><p>“Your father would do well to keep his nose out of other people's business as well, Malfoy. And you can tell him the filthy little mudblood said so.” I whisper to him before continuing down my path.</p><p>“Now, kids, if you could turn to page 68, we will start our lesson on the Grindylows.” I wave my hand and the windows open so that light is filling the classroom as I walk down the desks to help the kids find their page.</p><p>“That was amazing..” Harry says as he leans over to me. “No one has ever talked to Snape like that before. I don’t think he knew what to do.”</p><p>I leaned down and smiled at him before I whispered back. “I’m kinda hoping it stays that way, I’ll probably be yelled at by Professor Dumbledore.”</p><p>“Worth it. He goes pretty easy on me when we chat. I’m sure he will do the same for you. Also, what Dean said earlier about you and Lupin?” I nod apprehensively. “We mean it. This is the best class we’ve had. Professor Lupin is amazing. And so are you..” He grins up at me, a twinkle in his green eyes. “Professor.”</p><p>“Thank you, Harry.” I say ruffling his hair before going back to the front of the class. “Now, page 68, please.” Harry grins and happily changes the page as I walk away.</p><p>“Now that that’s over with, who can tell me about the Grindylows?”</p><p>Several hands shoot up in the air as I smile to myself and point to Dean who is practically jumping out of his seat to answer me.<br/>—</p><p>I smuggle some ham sandwiches from the kitchen as well as Yorkshire pudding, fried sausages and vegetables. I went to grab chocolate eclairs but someone was coming so I just ran with what I had.</p><p>I’m walking down the hall with the makeshift plates and a bottle of elderflower wine that I brought with me from the last visit at Arthur and Molly's. Molly is always knitting Finian and I sweaters or inviting us over for dinner. And she never lets me leave without a bottle of wine.</p><p>I finally have an excuse to drink it without appearing pathetic because it would be alone.</p><p>
  <em>“It seems you've found someone who can stand up to your abrasiveness.”</em>
</p><p>I'm practically bounding down the hall, thinking back to the first time I spoke to Remus. He had said those words after I had slugged him in the stomach for setting me up to deal with a Boggart. I had never seen one before and had no idea how to handle one. I had accidentally made him bleed. I felt so bad about that. He had been looking rather haggard then. I should've gone easier on him.</p><p>I smile as I think about the last few weeks and how Remus has gone from someone I was cursing in the hallway for being late to someone I'm essentially sprinting to with stolen food to see how he is.</p><p>I've missed him terribly today, something I didn't expect to happen until I was already stuck in the feeling. It caught me by surprise. I knew that I appreciated him.</p><p>He was always so patient and so kind. He is passionate about his teaching. He seems to root for the underdog, taking a particular liking to Neville. He is calm and collected. He is very smart and understanding. Not only to me but to anyone around him.</p><p>I found myself intrigued by him from the very beginning but now I feel myself drawn to him. I didn't notice how handsome he was until about a week in. The bruises had faded. The tiredness was gone from his eyes. His eyes were a beautiful emerald, warm and captivating.</p><p>Students have stopped commenting on his appearance and have raved about his teaching skills, aside from the immature Slytherins in the school. All of them nasty, just like the head of their house.</p><p>But once you get to know him, it's easy to look past the scars and the darned clothes. It's easy to look past the physical and focus on what truly matters.</p><p>Remus Lupin is extremely intelligent. He is compassionate. He gives people a chance even when they don't deserve it. He would find the good in anyone. Even the students who talk down about him. Even..</p><p>“Typical. Stealing classes away from superiors. No surprise you're also the one stealing food from the kitchen.”</p><p>His cold, evil voice rolls towards me like tar. Black and bitter. I am just three feet from Remus’ door when he crosses my path. I stand up straight and glare at him as he points his wand at me, light coming from the tip.</p><p>“I didn't steal a class from you, Severus.” I growl at him. “It was never your class. It is mine. But that's something you should be used to, someone else teaching Defence. You always were after that class but just fall short. Always a bridesmaid. Never the bride, aye, Severus?” I am practically spitting at him.</p><p>“You’ve always been insufferable!” He hisses, sticking the wand further into my face and I smile because I know I have him. “You will do well to respect your elders.”</p><p>“Elder, you very well are. But my superior, you are not. In case you've forgotten, I am a professor here now. I can come and go as I please and I think Dumbledore would forgive me for feeding myself and his Professor he personally sought out. But you, you are not my professor anymore. You have no power over my future. Which, luckily for me, isn't something you can say about me. You will do well to remember the power that I have. Especially with what I know from my other job.”</p><p>A wand is at my throat in an instant and I tighten my grip on the food, staring in Snape’s twitching black eyes as he towers over me.</p><p>“Why you insolent little mu--”</p><p>Suddenly a twisted, mahogany wand comes into view from the light still washing over us from Snape’s wand. Its tip is shoved into Snape’s neck and creates a red divot in his thin, pale skin. My eyes follow the tip down to the twisty handle. A pale and bloody hand is holding the end and I follow the shaking arm up to a very pale, sweaty Remus Lupin.</p><p>“Say it.” He growls, his voice hoarse and it seems as if every syllable is agony for him. His eyes have lost all of their sparkle and the emerald is more of a dull Jade. He has two black eyes and he looks ten times worse than the first time I met him in this hallway. “Call her what I think you're going to call her.” Remus spits as he gently grabs my arm and pulls me next to him.</p><p>“Give me a reason to do it and I swear, Severus…I'll end you right here. Where you stand.” Snape is smiling as he lowers his wand and turns to stare at Remus.</p><p>Remus, who is swaying on his unsure bare feet. I look from his feet to his legs. He has sweats on. The same sweats from last night but this time they're practically falling off of him. I swore last night they were a snugger fit on him. My eyes widen when they crawl up his legs to his chest. His bare chest.</p><p>“Lupin, you're up late for being so ill. Having a bit of nightcap? Howling at..” Snape gives a sick little grin, the same one he had in class today. “the <em>moon</em>?” His words drip from his mouth like poison. An expression washes over Remus’ face and he tightens his grip on his wand. The wand that is still very much at Snape’s neck. He bites his lip and takes a deep breath in.</p><p>“Fuck off.” He spat back at Snape.</p><p>I watch his torso rise and fall with every heavy breath and I'm fixated on the two deep, silver scars that run from his left shoulder to his right hip. He has several other smaller, pink scars. There is a slash across his right pec and collarbone that is still bleeding. And a silver mark on his left bicep. A mark that had a very distinct scarring.</p><p>
  <em>“I truly never thought that I would come across third years who wouldn’t even recognize a werewolf when they saw one.”</em>
</p><p>The confrontation I had with Snape earlier today rings in my ears. I take a shallow breath in and shake my head. I look from Remus’ torso to Snape who is watching me and his grin grows larger. Something that Snape hardly ever does.</p><p>“Well, I guess there was something to be learned from our little interaction today.” Snape mews and I swallow hard. Remus looks at me briefly and I watch the anger leave his eyes and pain seeps in. He closes his eyes and takes his wand back from Snape’s throat.</p><p>“Go. Before I do something I can't take back, Severus.”</p><p>Severus rubs his neck before straightening out his robes. “Gladly.” He chirps before turning abruptly, his flowing cloak flipping cold air between Remus and I before Severus sulks down the hallway.</p><p>“I assume you'll be off as well.” Remus mumbles before he lowers his wand, putting it in his pocket as he opens his door. He runs his fingers through his hair before he walks into his room, trying to close the door behind him.</p><p>I put my hand out, stopping him. He looks back over his shoulder at me. Confusion washes over his face as I take two steps in and put the food I brought him on a bookcase. His back is to me and in the ambient light from a few candles, I truly see Remus Lupin for the first time. His back is even more scarred and there's sweat dripping down it to make the top of his gray sweats dark and wet. He can barely stand. He is a shell of a man he has been the last few weeks.</p><p>“Callisto, you should..” He starts with a deflated sigh and I snap.</p><p>“Shut up.” His mouth hangs open and he sighs before doing what I ask him to. He rubs his lips as he closes them. Blood is dried on his hand and there's dried blood spots on his lip. I take a step towards him and he flinches, closing his eyes.</p><p>I stop in my tracks and my mind is running a million miles an hour. So I say the only thing I can think of to start this conversation.</p><p>“I am going to speak. And you are going to tell the truth.” I say with a shaky, but determined voice.</p><p>“I don't lie.” He said simply, sounding defeated, eyes still closed.</p><p>“Omitting information is a lie in itself.” I spat. I instantly regret my knee jerk reaction but given the circumstances I think I'm allowed.</p><p>“You have a lot of experience with your worst fear..” I finally whisper, realizing that isn't a question. He had said that the first time I ever faced a boggart and was feeling pitiful after how I had handled Boggart Snape. I thought he was just being nice. I suppose there were signs all along. I just didn't see them. “Your boggart is not a crystal ball.”</p><p>“No. It's not..” He sighs as he sits down on his bed, the mattress squeaking under him. He puts his head in his hands and tugging at his messy, sweat soaked hair. He falls to the mattress and punches the wall next to him, leaving a blood spatter where his hand connects with the castle over and over.</p><p>“Remus Lupin!” I shout, making him stop as I rush to him, taking his hand in mine. I whisper over his hand and the gashes from his abuse start to heal before he can bleed everywhere. He has tears in his eyes and pain is embedded in his staggered breathing. In his features. In the way he stares at me.</p><p>“If you want to walk out of this room and never come back, you wouldn't be the first.” He whispers, a single tear falling from his eye. I watch as it glides over his scar, down his bloody lip and falls onto my hand. I stare at the tear that is mixing in with his blood on my hand before more start to fall to meet it. “I'm a monster.” His whisper is so hoarse that I don't know if it's from his condition or pain.</p><p>“If you're a monster, I’m Lord Voldemort.” I whisper back, repeating what I said to him weeks ago in this very room.</p><p>I look up at a crying, broken, worn down Remus. I don't see the blood, sweat, and tears. He is no longer secrets and scars. Everything is right here, in the open, sitting between us. Still an unspoken realization. It's all right here, lingering between our clasped hands and fixed gazes.</p><p>“You are not a monster, Remus Lupin.” I whisper, my own tears making my words come out softer, rounded at the edges. Which is what he needs. He doesn't need sharp and abrasive right now. Whether he can stand up to it or not.</p><p>“You're a werewolf.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Fire on Fire</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Waking up, half past five<br/>Blood on pillow, one bruised eye<br/>You know what I'm like<br/>But you should've seen the other guy</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Dark Times” - The Weeknd/ Ed Sheeran</em>
</p><p>———</p><p><em>Shit</em>.</p><p>The first coherent thought I had when I woke up. Not the most eloquent of thoughts but that's all that filled my head. Curses and pain.</p><p>Wolfsbane did nothing to quell pain. I always knew that would be the case. There wasn't a lot of research to be done when I was younger about my affliction. What little Madam Pomfrey and I could find all said the same thing.</p><p>
  <em>“You'll lose your will. Everything will be a blur from the moment you transform to the moment you wake. And, well, you're no stranger to this by now, Dear. You'll always be---”</em>
</p><p>“Bloody hurting..” I say out loud, my throat dry and hoarse. I scowl to myself. I shouldn't be hoarse. While Wolfsbane didn't do anything to help the physical aspect of the transformation, it was supposed to allow me to keep my mind. I don't remember howling.</p><p>I don't remember <em>anything</em>.</p><p>I take a deep breath in and slowly try to sit up but I'm met with the sharpest pain I've felt in my life up to this point. I fall back to the mattress. I place my hand on my left hip and feel that the bone didn't quite go back the right way.</p><p>I open my eyes and take inventory of my dark room. Nothing is broken, though some things are moved out of place. I can see the darker parts of the floor where my table legs had sat. The Monster must have gotten bored. Did some arranging of furniture. But nothing destructive.</p><p>My wand is nowhere near me and I'm in no state to walk with my hip out like this. Only thing left to do was do it the old fashioned way. Wandless magic can't reset bones properly. I grab my pillow, place the corner of it in my mouth. With both hands on the displaced bone, I close my eyes and push down. Hard.</p><p>
  <em>Crack</em>
</p><p>“<em>Arrrrgh!!</em>” I bite down on the pillow until I feel feathers in my mouth and scream into it, hopefully that muffled it. My throat was searing with the pain of my guttural yell. I could taste blood.</p><p>My hands shook as I pulled away from my hip. I roll my head back and stare at the ceiling. “<em>Fuckin’ hell.”</em> I pant, letting the excruciating pain subside before I test out my leg. I slowly pull it to my body and back down to the bed. Hurt like hell and wasn't smooth. I could feel the bone catching somewhere but it would have to do for now.</p><p>I take another deep breath and now I know I'm not just tasting blood. I smell it.</p><p>“Bugger.” I whisper as I push myself up. It's dark in the room but the Monster sees best in these conditions. I look down at my naked body and take it all in. My eyes glide from limb to limb, recognizing silver and pink scars where they should be. The blood is right under my nose and when I tuck my chin to my chest that's when I find them.</p><p>Three new gashes on my right arm. One of them is fairly deep.</p><p>“The slimy bastard.” I growled to myself before patting at the cuts. The blood was nearly dry, thankfully. I snapped my fingers and all the candles in my room lit so that I could see a little better, my wolfish tendencies starting to fade back into the part of me that was still human.</p><p>My ears pricked and I felt my hair stand on end. I looked from my bloody arm to the door where my nose led me.</p><p>Meat and bread. Pudding. Grease and must. And apple.</p><p>Summer and risks.</p><p>
  <em>“It was never your class. It is mine. But that's something you should be used to, someone else teaching Defence.”</em>
</p><p>Callisto. I want to smile just at the thought of her outside my room but I can't. I know she's not alone. And she sounds upset. She smells upset.</p><p>
  <em>“You always were after that class but just fall short. Always a bridesmaid. Never the bride, aye, Severus?”</em>
</p><p>From the moment I hear his name, my hair is standing on end for another reason. I'm no longer alert. I'm protective. I should've known it was him before now but the grease could be a number of people. A lot of these kids wouldn't know a shower if they were hexed into one.</p><p>“<em>You've always been insufferable</em>!” I hear Severus hiss just a few feet away from my door and in an instant I am up and scrambling to get into my clothes. I can protect her but not without clothes.</p><p><em>“You will do well to respect your elders</em>.” His words cut like daggers and my skin is burning at the sound of him speaking to her like that. Dislocated hip be damned, I manage to pull myself into my sweats and decide there's no time to find a shirt. It's getting too heated out there.</p><p>“<em>.. You have no power over my future. Which, luckily for me, isn't something you can say about me.”</em></p><p>No time left. I hold out my hand and limp to the door as fast as I can. “<em>Accio wand</em>!” I hiss, feeling the twisted Cypress fly into my hand. I grip it tight, groaning at the pain that shoots up my arm. I'm in no condition to go out there but I have no choice but to hope there's no students in the hallway and that Severus can keep his mouth shut.</p><p>Only one of those has good odds. I open my door and lunge out.</p><p>“<em>Why you insolent little mu</em>--” was all he got out before my wand was at his jugular. I tighten my grip on my wand and push it forward until I can both hear and feel his heartbeat. I take a deep breath in and that's when I know I have him.</p><p>I smell fear. Greasy, musty, fear. I bite my lip to keep from making my pain known to anyone.</p><p>“Say it.” I growl. My voice is just as broken as the rest of my body but I get my point across with the pressure I’m putting against his neck. I can practically smell the blood rushing under the tip of my wand. “Call her what I think you’re going to call her.” Spit flies out of my mouth and I watch as it hits his cheek that I’m mere millimeters from. I take pride in watching Severus flinch around me for the first time in my life. The last time I watched him flinch like this near me was after the awful shit Sirius pulled while we were in school. I felt incredibly guilty then but that was under different circumstances. This was my own doing. This fear was something that sat perfectly well with me.</p><p>I don’t look away from Severus but reach over and do my best to gently persuade Callisto to come to my side. I have to be delicate with her because I still have The Monsters blood coursing through my veins and he is unbelievably mad and protective right now. Right now, I’m letting whatever is leftover from the moon for Him take over.</p><p>I wish I could breathe a sigh of relief when she came to stand next to me but I still had business to take care of.</p><p>“Give me a reason to do it and I swear, Severus..” I push my wand in deeper and have never wished more in my life that it were a sword or that I no longer had anything to live for. But I suppose both I and the Monster had something to live for now. “I’ll end you right here. Where you stand.” Snape grins that sickly grin at me and I want to make good on my word. He turns on his heel and stares at me. I knew what he was going to say before he said it.</p><p>I get dizzy from moving so swiftly and the ensuing adrenaline rush. I feel myself wobble on unsure feet. But I don't waiver in my endeavors.</p><p>“Lupin, you’re up late for being so ill. Having a bit of a nightcap? Howling at..”</p><p>Before he gets the words out, I take a deep breath to keep my wits about me. I know what he’s playing at. He knows what he’s playing at. I can only hope that Callisto doesn’t realize what he is playing at.</p><p>“The <em>moon</em>?”</p><p>The implications in his words are enough to cut the tension in here with their sharpness. I feel the blood drain from my face and if they could smell the same things I could, they would know I’m scared. Truly scared, for the first time in a long time. I feel my breathing still as I’m facing the fact that someone is learning about my condition for the first time. I’ve had to deal with this a handful of times in my life but this was one that I was really hoping to keep close for a little longer. I grip my wand so tightly that I think it may splinter in my hand.</p><p>“Fuck off.” The animalistic anger rolls through my body and I’m on fire. It could be the post transformation fever. It could be the anger. It could be the embarrassment I am trying to hide right now. I am shaking, struggling to keep control of myself. I feel two sets of eyes burning a hole in me. I watch as Severus changes his eyeline and an evil, twisted grin that I had seen our entire childhood finds its home on his thin, pale lips.</p><p>“Well, I guess there was something to be learned from our little interaction today.” He is practically singing his happiness when my senses are suddenly overwhelmed.</p><p>I hear her heart beating twice as fast as it were moments ago. Her breathing is shallow and frantic. Summer and risks float away and in their place I smell fear and tears. Against all of my better judgement, I turn and look at Callisto.</p><p>One look is all it takes and I know.</p><p>I know. She knows. Severus knows.</p><p>It is hopeless. All the time I’d spent watching myself around her. All the time I’d spent trying to protect her from the truth. All the words I had chosen to tell the truth but also keep a secret guarded. It was all for naught. She looks from me to my body and I’m suddenly well aware that I am on display for her to see. For anyone to see if they were to stumble upon this scene. It’s well past roaming hours but if Hogwarts is full of anything, it's full of witches and wizards who love to find ways to beat the rules. Mischief is practically an extracurricular activity in this castle.</p><p>I close my eyes and swallow down the bile that is rising by the second in my throat. I feel like I’m going to be sick and I honestly wouldn't be surprised if I retched right here. I’m not sure if it's from the transformation, the smell of the grease in Snape’s hair mixing with the smell of the food that Callisto is trying desperately to hold onto, or the fact that I am irrevocably exposed. In every way possible.</p><p>I pull my wand away from Snape’s neck and accept defeat.</p><p>“Go, Before I do something I can’t take back, Severus.” I absolutely mean it. If it were up to the Monster, he’d be lying dead on the floor by now. I know the spell. I can do it with my eyes closed. I have done it with my eyes closed. But, I swore that was another life. Something I would never do again unless I absolutely had to.</p><p>I don’t have to. Not if he leaves and never threatens Callisto again. He straightens out his robes, snaps his cloak and rubs his neck.</p><p>“Gladly.” He turns abruptly, his cloak snapping against the concrete and sending a blast of cool air in my face. When this happens, Callisto’s scent wraps around me, fear heavy in the air. I don’t even bother to watch Severus glide away. I just lower my wand and turn toward my door.</p><p>“I assume you’ll be off as well.” I practically whisper, scared of the response as I tuck my wand away in the pocket of my sweats, opening my door. I don’t look her in the eyes on my way past. For the first time since we met, I can’t do it. I can’t look into that beautiful icy stare of hers and see the fear. I can’t watch the woman that I’ve found myself so uncontrollably enamored with realize how evil I truly am. If I did, there would be no coming back from that.</p><p>
  <em>You fucking git. You’re a real wanker, Lupin. You know that? You knew better than to let yourself feel anything. You knew that you could never have a normal life. You don't deserve a normal life. You don't deserve anyone. Haven’t you learnt that yet? Everyone you’ve ever allowed in has either disappeared, betrayed you, or died. That will never change. You’re a monster who deserves this life of loneliness and that is all you’ll ever be.</em>
</p><p>I tried to shut my door but as I walk into my room to wallow in my self pity, I don’t hear the door shut. My room smells like blood, botched Wolfsbane, and apples. I turn and there’s Callisto, placing plates of food on top of my bookshelf. She takes a deep breath in and even though that scent that is purely Callisto London is pricking at my senses, there is no doubt of how scared she truly is either.</p><p>“Callisto, you should..” I sigh and that’s when the unthinkable happens.</p><p>“Shut up.” Her voice trembles but I have never been more sure in my life that she knows what she is doing. My mouth is still open from trying to talk some sense into her before she puts herself in more danger but I know it won’t do any good. When she’s made up her mind, there is no telling her differently. I rub my lips, taking the sweat off my mustache, noticing that there is blood stuck there. She steps towards me with purpose and I can’t help it.</p><p>Callisto London has always been my fate I suppose. This is the moment that she is going to chain me down. Throw that Imperius Curse on me. Maybe Cruciatus. Can’t say I wouldn’t do the same if I were in her shoes. Perhaps she’ll take some mercy on me and just ship me off to Azkaban. Everyone knows there’s an empty cell nowadays. I almost laugh at the thought of having to be cell mates with Sirius much like we were when we were students. Dementors will have their way with him before that ever happens.</p><p>All I know is there’s a heavily guarded cell with my name on it. That would be the most mercy anyone could show me. Not that I deserve mercy. I flinch at the thought of being denied the sweet release of death and having to live my life in a cell, dementors feeding on what little happiness I have had in this life. I wait for the curse, the chains, anything.</p><p>But it doesn’t come.</p><p>“I am going to speak. And you are going to tell the truth.”</p><p>“I don’t lie.” I say earnestly, eyes shut, just in case she’s changed her mind. I don't want to see the curse coming.</p><p>“Omitting information is a lie in itself.” Her words cut me like a fresh wound, sharper than anything I’ve given myself during transformation. She didn't curse me, but I would have preferred she did than to hear her sound this way. She’s magnificently angry and as I open my eyes to look at my fate, she’s a sight to behold. She has every right to feel as she is feeling and every right to do as she wishes. So I wont be the one to stop her.</p><p>She looks around the room and her eyes pause when she sees that it has been rearranged. Her eyes fall from the furniture to the tracks that disturb the dust of my room. I hadn’t seen those before but I can’t stop looking at them now.</p><p>“You have a lot of experience with your worst fear.” She whispers. I don’t say a word back. She didn’t ask me a question. Because it wasn’t a question. The proof is all around us. It’s in the tossed about furniture. It's in the pawprints on the floor. It’s in every scar that riddles my body. It’s in the blood dried on my chest and arm. It’s in everything I do. It’s in everything I say. It’s me.</p><p>I am the dangerous, irresponsible truth.</p><p>“Your boggart is not a crystal ball.” The finality in her voice is all I need to know. It’s finished. The secrets that hung in the air between us for these last few weeks have dissipated. There is nothing to do but surrender to it.</p><p>“No, it's not.” I sigh as I throw myself down on my bed. I wish I could just apparate out of here, go into the forest, find a pack and assimilate. But I can’t. Even if I could, I don’t have the energy to. I put my head in my hands and tug at my hair, the pain gutting me but also taking my mind off the terrible pain in the pit of my stomach.</p><p>I allowed myself to get too romantic about life. I almost started to believe that I could have some sense of normalcy. I saw her and I allowed myself to dream. To think of something other than destruction, depression, and oppression. I should’ve known better. This isn’t some one off like I could have in school. I am older now and I should have known better than to let my guard down. To allow myself to behave like the rest of the world. All I’ve been through, one time of her leaning on my shoulder and I started to see myself in a world where I could have one thing.</p><p>I’m too old, too dangerous, too out of control. In what world would I have ever deserved her?</p><p>The string that was holding me to sensibility snaps and I want pain. I want pain and blood. I want agony. I deserve agony.</p><p>I punch the wall next to me over and over again, relishing in the pain that is distracting me from everything in my head. Distracts me from the fire and agony in my chest. I can’t handle that pain so I do the only thing I know how to do, create a pain familiar to me. Something I can stomach.</p><p>“Remus Lupin!”</p><p>Something in her voice rips me from the fire, the pain, the blood and I stop trying to rip through the wall with my bare hands. She runs over to me, taking my bloodied fist in her hand.</p><p>“<em>Vulnera Sanentur.”</em> She whispers three times over my battered hand. I go to tell her that whatever healing spell she used wont work on me but before I could speak, I watch as the blood goes back into my hand and the slashes from the castle wall start to mend themselves. I stare at my hand for a moment before finally letting myself look her in the eyes.</p><p>I should have felt relief when I looked into the cool blue. I should have gotten lost in them as I always have before. I should feel her steal my breath. I should feel the deep guilt inside me consume me when I see the worry in her eyes. I should feel the ice of her hands against mine stilling the beast inside me. But I don’t.</p><p>It’s white hot, burning deeper than anything the Monster could ever do. My breathing staggers and the consequence of everything comes down on me with every inhale and there’s no relief on an exhale. There’s desire, ignorance, and nothing is in control anymore. It’s no longer right and wrong. It’s no longer my comforting warmth and her soothing cool.</p><p>It’s fire on fire.</p><p>“If you want to walk out of this room and never come back, you wouldn’t be the first.” I whisper the harsh reality of my life, gfeeling the welling tears start to fall against my will. I taste the salt mix with blood on my lip and I let go. I’m drowning our hands in tears and all she can do is stare at our hands. “I’m a monster.” My voice cuts out the inflection behind it. I’m trying to warn her. I’m trying to tell her to go. Leave. I’m trying to save her.</p><p>“If you’re a monster, I’m Lord Voldemort.” She whispers and I close my eyes, going back to the time when she said that to me in this room, weeks ago. When everything was easier. Safer. There wasn’t a moon coming or going. The evil truth wasn't sitting in front of her, bleeding and broken. There was just wishful thinking on my part and her innocence. I should have left then, At the first instance of desire. I should have saved her then. She deserved that.</p><p>She could never do anything so bad in this world to deserve this. To deserve <em>me</em>.</p><p>It hasn’t been spoken yet. The absoluteness of it all. We’re both just sitting in it. Perhaps waiting for the other to say it. To say the irrefutable truth. I don’t know why, I’ve done it before. Why can’t I do it now?</p><p>
  <em>Because as long as her hand is holding yours, this isn't over.</em>
</p><p>“You are <em>not</em> a monster, Remus Lupin.” She lies. We both know it is a lie. If she can’t bring herself to say it yet, she will. The tears falling by droves from her eyes are making it worse. With every teardrop, the pain I’ve caused is irrevocable. I can’t change what has happened and I can’t take it back.</p><p>“You’re a werewolf.”</p><p>I don’t know how much time passed before either of us spoke. I didn’t bother to confirm anything. I didn’t have to. For what seemed like forever, the room was filled with the painful truth, tears, and a deafening silence that buzzed around us between sniffles and sobs. I would occasionally move, testing my post transformation body to see if I had the strength to walk away.</p><p>One of us needed to do it and she seemed to be frozen in place. Shock, I suppose. Wouldn’t be the first time that someone couldn’t function after learning about what I really was. I was folded up on the bed, just wishing this was all a fever dream, but I knew better. This was reality. The only reality I deserve.</p><p>A cool hand touches my side and I flinch, my hip falling back out of socket. I groan in pain and she shrinks back. “I’m sorry!” She says, hands up as if she’ll break me. I look down at my hip and so does she. Her eyes widen for a moment before she nods. “Okay, just..” She waves her hand over my hip and I grit my teeth. “Those charms don’t work on werewolves.” I say, taking my hand and putting it on the bone. “Right. I guess I forgot that part.” She says and I scoff.</p><p>How can she forget already?</p><p>“Wait.” She says before I push down. She takes one of my hands in hers and sets the other icy one on the hand on my hip. “Charms work on me. Squeeze as hard as you can. If you break it, we can fix me up.” I go to shake my head but before I can she pushes down with our hands on the bone.</p><p>
  <em>Crack! Crack!</em>
</p><p><em>“Argh!”</em> We both scream out. She groans and shuts her eyes as I reflexively squeeze. I instantly let go of her hand and murmur apologies. She flexes her hand and shakes it out a little. “I’m fine. I think it’s back in place.” She slowly rubs my hip and pulls on my thigh. Her hands move over my body, unfolding me. I am unbelievably sore but my hip is finally in place. When I’m finally laid out in front of her, she stands.</p><p>I don't say a word, I just close my eyes and wait for the door to close and hear her walking away.</p><p>“<em>Accio Dittany.</em>” She says and I open my eyes to see that she’s waving her wand around the room. She grabs the vial that floats to her. Her wand flicks around and she’s murmuring protection and silencing spells. When that’s done, she puts her wand on the table before moving it back in its original place. Her foot slides along the tracks the wolf left, getting rid of that evidence. “Do you have silver?” She asks and I shake my head, staring at her in disbelief.</p><p>“Werewolf without silver.” She mutters with a laugh, picking her wand back up. I don’t really know what to do. She’s locked herself in a room with the man she just discovered is a werewolf and she’s laughing.</p><p>“Most werewolves don’t have silver. We’re either poor, in jail, on the run, or dead.” I said, staring at the ceiling, unable to bring myself to do anything. I suppose I’m the one in shock now. Why didn’t she leave? Why hasn’t she ran out of here? Why isn’t she taking me to the Ministry right now?</p><p>“Right. And you’re not registered.” She says matter of factly and I can hear her rummaging about the room. She crosses into the kitchenette and there is a jingle for a moment. I let the comment hang in the air as she busies herself. We both know what unregistered entails. Moving from place to place. Never staying too long. A gypsy life. I groan, rubbing my temples. A terrible headache has taken me over and I can barely think.</p><p>“<em>Reducto</em>.” I open my eyes and roll to see her taking a knife and crushing pieces of something into a fine powder before opening my vial of dittany and pushing the powder into it. She puts the dropper in it and shakes it a few times. She puts it up to the candle light and inspects it for a moment before walking back towards my sleeping quarters. She grabs a plate on the way by and stands at the side of my bed.</p><p>“Can you sit up?” She asks me. My mind is flooded with confusion and fear. “I--” I say, trying to find the words to save her. To send her out of here. Anything to help this seemingly insurmountable pain and guilt I’m feeling. “Leave, Callisto.” I say, rolling over and facing the wall I beat into submission earlier. I pick at the rubble I left from my fist and before I know it, I’m rolled over and sitting up.</p><p>“I didn’t ask you for your opinion, I asked if you can sit up. And look, you can.” She says simply, her wand pointing at me. I know at once she’s used the Imperius curse on me and there’s nothing I can do. I just stare at her for a moment. This I’m used to, having no control. Nothing to do but relinquish to it.</p><p>“I’m going to say it one more time, Remus Lupin. I am going to ask questions and you are going to tell me the truth. Stop telling me to leave. I’m not going anywhere. Now, are you going to cooperate?”</p><p>I can’t do anything. She has full control of me. She slowly lowers her wand and sighs. “Well?” She asks and I feel my will come back to me, prickling my skin like magic tends to do. I sigh and slump in my posture. “I don't have a choice, do I?” I ask, looking up at her. She shakes her head at me but puts her wand away.</p><p>“No, you don’t but it’ll be easier if you just work with me here.” She says, handing me a plate full of food and that’s when a hellish rumble comes from my stomach and I realize that I’m starving.</p><p>“You are a stubborn arse.” I mumble as I look at the food. She smiles as she gestures with the plate.</p><p>“So I've heard. It’s cold, but I figured you would need some sort of food when you woke up.” I gratefully take the plate and when I do, she grabs my free arm and opens the stopper. I take a big bite of the ham sandwich, savor it for a second before finishing it in one more bite. “Had no idea how right I would be, of course.” She says as I finish the rest of the food in record time. “There’s another plate over there, I’ll get it in a moment. Didn’t think you’d wolf it down that fast.”</p><p>I slowly look up from the empty plate and she looks down at me as she holds the dropper over my arm. I blink at her and then suddenly she’s laughing. Pure, happy laughter. “Wolf it down! I swear I didn’t mean that pun. Honest.” She is nearly doubled over with laughter and I find myself smirking at her sarcastically. I’m so confused right now as to how she’s even comfortable being in the same room as me, let alone laughing about my affliction. She slowly stops laughing when she realizes that I’m not laughing. “Sorry, I’m not making fun of---”</p><p>“Oh <em>Merlin</em>, don’t apologize. It makes it worse. You shouldn't be apologizing. I should be. I…” I shake my head at it all. “I’ve been a tosser. Ruddy stupid of me to do all..” I hiss as the potion hits my shoulder.</p><p>“<em>Fuckin’ Hell!</em>” I growl, trying to pull my arm back. “What is that?!” I hiss as she pulls my arm back towards her.</p><p>“Silver and dittany. It’s the only thing that closes werewolf wounds. You’ll always have the scars but it heals faster than just dittany.” She speaks softly while she works, taking the dropper and healing the gashes I gave myself. I watch as they instantly close and she’s right. It’s much faster than what I’ve been doing the last few years. “You took Wolfsbane last night, you shouldn’t be this bad.” Her words are nearly a whisper and it takes a few seconds to register.</p><p>“I think Snape gave me a dodgy batch. Bloody prat. Could’ve been disastrous.” I put the plate on the bed and wiped my mustache, making sure there was no pudding left in it. “<em>Wait</em>--” I look up, hand still rubbing a bit of stubble that was on my chin. I needed a proper shave. “You knew that was Wolfsbane, but you seemed so--”</p><p>“I had a passing thought that it was Wolfsbane last night. But then I thought that was downright ridiculous to think that. I put it in the back of my mind. But, I should've known. I got an Outstanding in Potions. There's only one potion that smells like that and has a blue smoke.” She then pushes me back gently and I lean against the wall. She takes the dropper and starts to heal my chest. I’m no longer flinching at the burning pain of the silver and dittany. I’m captivated by her.</p><p>That’s the only bit of normalcy we have right now. My capitivation.</p><p>“Wolfsbane.” She whispered. I nod and look towards the goblet I had left on my bedside table. I can’t believe I trusted Snape for a single moment that he would give me a right batch. This was most likely his payback for nearly killing him when we were in school. Neither of us were at fault for that, though I doubt he thought the same. I don't know what he was on about, I didn’t put a protection on my door. Not even a silence spell. Anyone could have gotten in. I could have hurt someone. I could have---</p><p>“Hey, stop.” She says quietly to me. Our eyes meet. She gives me a bit of a smile before taking the mixture and dropping it on her thumb. She gently moves her hand to me and I shy away. Her hand is still raised when I realize what she is doing. I nod and she slowly puts her hand on my cheek, taking her thumb and sliding the potion along the cut on my lip.</p><p>“Don’t do that. Don’t put his irresponsibility on your conscience. He had a job. He failed to do it. He probably did it on purpose. But that..” She says, putting the stopper on the vial and setting it on my bedside table before taking the goblet into her hand and smelling it. “-- Is not on you. No one got hurt except you.” She gets up and puts the goblet in the sink after rinsing it out. “Not enough monkshood.” She huffed. “Tasted enough like it to fool you but not enough to be effective. Fucking bastard.”</p><p>She bends over the sink, her knuckles going white, then pink, then white again as she squeezes the countertop. “I’m going to transfigure him into the weasel he is and then feed him to Buckbeak.” She hisses before she grabs a towel and wets it. She runs the water for a moment before soaking the towel. She wrings it out, shaking the excess water away and then comes back to me. “I bet he was hoping that you would make yourself known and someone would turn you into the Ministry.”</p><p>“The staff knows about me. They have since I was a student here.” I admit as she takes the towel and wipes the dried blood away. She stops for a moment, looking up from her work and meets my gaze. I count the moments that pass with apprehension before she nods and goes back to cleaning me up. “Right. Well, that makes sense. Almost all of them have been here since the beginning of time. And Snape?”</p><p>“When we were younger, my friends---” I sigh and she stops what she’s doing and cocks an eyebrow. “If I tell you this, promise you wont run away?” She chuckles. “I didn’t run when I figured out the whole werewolf thing. I think I can take anything at this point.” She goes back to cleaning my chest from the residual blood. I take a deep breath and just blurt it out. “My best friends, James Potter.” She looks up and opens her mouth.</p><p>“Yes, Harry’s father. Just wait. My best friends, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew..” She cocks her head and I just nod. I know she knows all about them. Everyone does. It’s just as much legend as Harry himself is.</p><p>“Yeah, I know, there’s one more. Um.. Well, here goes. Sirius Black..” She stops and stares at me, the wet towel setting on her jeans, leaving a wet spot. “We were all mates in school. The best of mates, and well, that’s obviously changed but…” She shakes her head and frantically starts wiping at the blood on the wall behind me.</p><p>“<em>But</em>..” She says, egging me on.</p><p>“But, when we were younger, they hated Severus. The boys, they figured out around second year that I was a werewolf and I thought.. Well, I thought they’d leave. But, they didn’t. And Severus, he’s always been insufferable but they hated him for a long time. I didn’t really mind him but he had caught on to the fact that I was getting sick monthly around fifth year and would wind up disappearing on a full moon. He had made an offhand comment about it and Sirius decided he was going to make him pay. So, one full moon night, he told Severus that if he wanted to know the truth all he had to do was go to the Whomping Willow..”</p><p>She looks at me and I sigh. “It was put there when I came to Hogwarts so that Madam Pomfrey, McGonagall, and I could go into a tunnel underneath it and they would take me to a shack for my transformations. Minerva would transform to the cat, touch a knob at the bottom and the tree would stop moving momentarily, allowing us through but keeping others away.”</p><p>“The Shrieking Shack?” She asks and I nod.</p><p>“It got that nickname because of the howling and screaming I would do during transformations. The only creature haunting it is me. Anyways, Sirius told Severus how to still the Willow. So that night, Severus took a stick, hit the knob, and followed the tunnel down to the shack. I was already the wolf and had no idea it had even happened until the next morning when I woke up a bloody mess when Madam Pomfrey came for me..”</p><p>“Did you---” She starts to ask and I shake my head.</p><p>“Thankfully, no. James may have hated Severus but he didn’t wish anything like that on anyone. Not even Severus. So he stopped him just in time, saving his life. But, it didn’t stop him from seeing me at the end of the tunnel. Seeing me transform from well.. This..” I say motioning down to myself. “To the Monster.” I finish, finally. I wait for her to absorb everything. I don't say another word for a while. I just wait for her reaction but there really isn’t one.</p><p>She’s wiping at a spot that’s already clean and I take my hand and stop her.</p><p>“Ask.” I say, rubbing her hand with mine. She tilts her head and scoffs. She finally looks at me and there’s tears in her eyes.</p><p>“<em>Remus</em>..” She whispers, tears falling down her cheeks. She wrings the towel in between her hands and I can tell she’s struggling. I take my hand and gently place it on her cheek. Her tears fall over my hands and I wipe them away with my thumb.</p><p>“<em>Ask</em>, Callisto.” I say, my own tears welling in my eyes. She asked for the truth, she’s stuck around when she should’ve ran away screaming. She’s earned this. She deserves this.</p><p>“Are you--” She starts and she puts the towel to her lips. I gently pull it down and take it from her so she can focus and stop fidgeting. “Did you--” She shakes her head and frantically wipes at tears falling like rain from her eyes. “Did you help Sirius escape? Did you give him a way into the castle last night?”</p><p>
  <em>What? Sirius was here last night? Did he hurt anyone? Did he..</em>
</p><p>I sit up abruptly and she jumps back, eyes closed. I instantly try to calm myself. That was probably the wrong thing to do. Must look like a lunatic. Now she really thinks I’m evil.</p><p>“Uh.. No. I didn’t help him escape. I expected that question. It's the..” I start and she slowly opens her eyes but keeps her distance as I ramble. “Sirius was in here last night?” I ask and all of a sudden, I don't care about my state. I’m frantically looking around for a shirt. A sweater. Anything. “Did he?” I look at her, throwing my blanket off the floor, still searching. “How did he get in? Did he hurt anyone? Did he---” I throw a pillow at the wall and flip chairs trying to get to my wardrobe.</p><p>“<em>Where in the bloody fuck is my-</em>--” I try to pull my wand out of my sweats but the twisty handle gets stuck on a hole in them.</p><p>“Remus.”</p><p>“I can’t believe Sirius would show his face here. I will bloody murder him. I’ll drag him to the forest and kill him. I’ll make sure he--”</p><p>“Remus.”</p><p>“The fuckin’ bastard. Cocky egotistical fuckhead, he is. Fucking twat. I can’t believe him. Actually, I <em>can</em> believe him. This is such a fucking Sirius thing to do. Fucking Pads.”</p><p>“<em>Remus Lupin!</em> Stop!” Her icicle hands make me flinch and she turns me. There are black tears running down her face, drying as she puts her hands against my chest. She rubs with one hand and then they slip to my hips. “Stop rambling. Stop throwing shit. Stop moving. Just stop..” She is moving her hands wherever she can get them as I tower over her. She puts her hand on my cheek and sniffles.</p><p>“I have nothing to do with his escape or his getting into the castle. You know what I was doing last night. I didn't have the right mind to help myself, let alone help that vile---”</p><p>“Shhhh.” She rubs my lips for a moment before keeping her finger on it to quiet me. “I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. I knew better, I just--” She stares into my eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath in to steady herself. Perhaps to steady both of us. “You said you were best mates so I just had to ask. The Auror in me, I suppose.” She says with a slight smile but I don’t smile back.</p><p>“Did he hurt Harry?” I mumble against her thumb and she scowls for a moment.</p><p>“No…” She drawls before slowly removing her thumb from my lips and letting it fall to the uninjured pec. “Is that why he escaped? Is that what he is here for?” She asks while I back away, her hands falling to her sides.</p><p>“I think so. He’s..” I look around the room for a sweater and finally find one hanging off a chair. I must've haphazardly thrown that about after a class. I walk over to its landing spot and try to pull it over my head but I’m stopped by a small, but mighty hand. “He’s Harry’s Godfather but he’s also. Well.. you know what he did to his parents and who he did it for.” I sigh and feel a tear fall from my eyes. Once again, I attempt to get dressed but she stops me in my tracks yet again.</p><p>“What are you doing? You’re in no condition to go on a tirade right now. Even if you were, you have two black eyes. Your entire face is swollen. Your body. You can barely walk. What would you do if a rogue student came across you right now? How would you explain yourself? Sit down.”</p><p>I shook my head, pulling the sweater up. “I need to tell Harry. I need to make sure he’s okay. I need to tell Dumbledore..” She yanks the sweater out of my hand and throws it behind her, narrowly missing a lit candle. It lands on the kitchen faucet, making the water turn on but she pays no mind.</p><p>“You are going nowhere, Remus. Dumbledore knows. Harry knows. Everyone knows. We searched the grounds last night. Wherever Black is right now, it's not here. He’s gone and the castle is on high alert. The students are fine. Harry is fine. Now, <em>Sit. Down.</em>” I go to walk past her and she grabs her wand and points it at me. “Sit down, Remus. Or so help me. I will make you.”</p><p>I stare at the tip of her wand and ponder for a moment if I can disarm her using wandless magic but after everything we’ve been through tonight, I decide against it. She’s right. I’m a frightening sight on most cycles. The way I feel, she couldn’t be wrong. I feel like I’ve gone several rounds with an expert duelist. I sigh and sit down on my own accord.</p><p>“Thank you.” She says, falling to sit next to me. She blows out a puff of air, her brunette hair flying up before landing gracefully to frame her face. She takes her hand and picks at dried blood that is on her arm from me.</p><p>“I’ve kept the fact that I’m a werewolf from you for a month, bled all over you, admitted to you that I used to be best mates with a treacherous murder, fought you all night, and basically made it to where the rest of your time here will be a living hell and you’re thanking me?”</p><p>Callisto chuckled and scraped blood off her wrist with her thumbnail. “You saved me from Snape, trusted me with a lot of information tonight, and have always listened to me when I need it the most. You have always been incredible to me, Remus. Tonight and every other night.” She finishes cleaning off the blood and wipes her jeans before looking up at me. “Were--” She starts before shaking her head.</p><p>“What?” I probe.</p><p>“It’s silly.” She says, a little laugh falling from her lips.</p><p>“Try me.” I ask once more, trying to read her. Once again, she smiles and looks into my eyes.</p><p>“Were you really going to hurt Snape?” She quizzes me. This time it's my turn to smile. Something I didn't think I would do. Surely not after all that's transpired tonight.</p><p>“Ah, <em>that</em>.” I run my fingers over my new scars, impressed with the healing she performed tonight. Hardly a twinge of pain from them. “Erm..Well, yes. If you want me to answer honestly. I would have.” She grabs my hand to keep me from picking at my wounds, a bad habit I’ve had since I was a young boy.</p><p>“Why?” She inquires and I’m caught off guard.</p><p>“Well, what..” I scowl and look around the room. “What do you mean? He shouldn’t be able to have this effect over you. Over Neville. Over anyone.” I feel myself heat up with anger again. My ears prick. The hair on my arms stand on end. I think she feels it too because she moves her hand to my arm and softly caresses.</p><p>“You didn’t stand up to him for yourself. Sirius had to. And you didn’t stop them from picking on him. What you did with Neville was great but Snape still bullies everyone who isn't in his house. Who isn’t up to his standards. So, while I think it is noble that you stepped in tonight…” She pauses and then takes her hand and slides it down to my hand. “No one threatens the end of somebody just because they are bullying someone.” She folds our hands in each other, intertwining them, her touch unusually fiery.</p><p>I close my eyes and can hear two heartbeats, beating faster than they were moments before. I take a deep breath in and there’s only Summer and risk in the air. Apple and Callisto. Silver and Dittany. No fear coming from her, but from me. I’m terrified. I swallow hard and shake my head.</p><p>“I think it's the same reason I didn’t run tonight.” Her words are buzzing around my head and I feel like I’m pissed off a load of elderflower wine. But I’m stone cold sober. “I think maybe we feel the same way about each other. I’ve been trying to fight it for weeks now, but after this. After seeing you like this…”</p><p>“<em>Callisto</em>..” I warn, trying to find the words to say to get the point across without making her absolutely hate me. “This is.. I’m 33 years old. You’re--”</p><p>“You’re patient. I’m stubborn. You’re kind and let’s be honest, I’m a bit of a wanker.” I sigh but can’t help but smile just slightly. “You’re passionate and the way you care about the kids. What you did with Neville was.. Amazing. The way you seem to care about me..” She said softly. Snuggling closer to me. I feel as if there’s electricity coursing through my veins right now.</p><p>I clench my jaw and swallow hard, trying to control myself. I want so badly to give in. The Monster wants so badly for me to give in. Every part of me is screaming yes. Except for my conscience. My conscience is screaming at me that I’m a werewolf. I’m ten years older. I’m poor. She deserves better.</p><p>“This..” I whisper, trying to swallow down every urge. “This is not the right time for you to fall in love with me, Callisto. There is <em>no</em> good time for you to fall in love with me. You asked me to be honest, I’m being honest. I am nothing but a monster and dark times. After this, I’ll be going back to the streets.. I--”</p><p>“I am <em>drawn</em> to you, Remus. If you could see yourself as I see you. As the rest of the students and staff see you. The ones that matter. Don’t you see? Have you not noticed how everyone is in favor of you? Have you really not noticed that I’ve spent every night that I can with you for weeks? Did you not notice any sign I was giving you? Merlin, Rem. I brought dinner and wine for us tonight.” I open my eyes and look at her plate still sitting on the bookcase. My eyes flick to the table and see a bottle of elderflower wine. I look down at her and she gives a sheepish smile. “I stayed and I cleaned you up tonight. I..” She looks away from me for a moment and I find myself staring at the black tears that have dried on her face. “I <em>stayed</em>, Rem.”</p><p>Maybe it’s because I’m older. Maybe it’s all that I’ve been through. But I’m almost starting to believe that maybe everything that we went through tonight is starting to make sense. Her fingers caress mine and I don’t say a word. Her touch makes my skin tingle. My senses are overwhelmed as she leans on my shoulder, her sweet and tartness filling my lungs. Her fingers tighten around mine.</p><p>Fire on fire.</p><p>“One of us--” I turn and stop her speech with my lips. She gasps into the kiss, stiffening and I think for a moment that I’ve made a mistake until she takes her hand out of mine and grabs my face. I groan in pain but reach up and pull her to me, picking her up and placing her in my lap. She carefully straddles my hips before she pulls back, breathlessly. “---Needs to make a move.” She finishes the thought I interrupted, looking down at where she’s sitting on me. “Wait, your hip. I need to..”</p><p>I shake my head and pull her down into another kiss, this time letting my tongue slip out. She tastes like chocolate and I smile. One of her hands slide into my hair, her fingers curling around the wet mess of curls. My right hand slides to her thigh and keeps her where she is. I kiss her several times, until my head spins and I need to come back for air.</p><p>We lean back and she stares into my eyes for a moment before lightly slapping my arm. “Stop interrupting me with a kiss!” She chastises me as she slaps and I hiss. “Oh! Shit! I even knew about your injuries from the moon tonight and I still hurt you! I’m so sorry, Rem.”</p><p>I find myself laughing for the first time tonight and I can't help the smile as I bring my hand up and push her bangs out of her eyes. “There will be no apologies, Miss London. I’ll learn to dodge it one of these days.” I say, grinning.</p><p>“You’re going to have to call me something else besides Miss London or Callisto.” She says, grinning down at me, running circles in my hair with her hands. “Makes me feel like you’re cross.” She said, scowling. “I don't like feeling like you’re cross.”</p><p>“I am anything but cross right now.” I say, and for the first time in my existence, I mean it. Usually after a full moon I would be the worst. Either sleeping or mad at the world. But who can be mad at the world when you have a new direction in life? “Restless, yes. Feverish? Absolutely. Scared? A tad. Hurting? Unbelievably.” Callisto goes to move off me but I tighten my grip on her thighs and smile, shaking my head. “But cross? Not at all. I am..” I take a deep breath in and smile as I lean back against the wall, looking up at the perfection before me, thinking of the first moment we were in this room together. This conversation makes me think of something she said.</p><p>“<em>Incandescently</em> happy..” I say with a smile before finishing. “Darling.”</p><p>“<em>Pride and Prejudice.</em>” Callie whispers before smiling brilliantly and leans down, pulling me into a kiss. Her lips melt away all my pain. She takes my breath and stills my chaotic world momentarily. Every time I have been wronged, she right with a kiss. Her kiss unfolds me and I lose my mind in the best way and I’m surrounded. Surround by Summer and risks. Comfort and warmth. Sins and desires. For once, my conscience can bugger off.</p><p>“You are <em>beautiful</em>, Remus Lupin.” She whispers against my lips. I laugh at the ridiculous notion. I am a bloodied, swollen, battered mess. I want to protest but soon she is dizzying me with another breath stealing kiss, quieting me before I could correct her.</p><p> </p><p>It's just her lips and mine.</p><p> </p><p>Fire on fire.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Cover Me Up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>Heart on the run<br/>
Keeps a hand on the gun<br/>
Can’t trust anyone<br/>
I was so sure what I needed was more<br/>
Tried to shoot out the sun<br/>
The days when we raged<br/>
We flew off the page<br/>
Such damage was done </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Cover Me Up” — Morgan Wallen<i></i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p> </p><p>“Wow…” My breathy words float between us with a mixture of sweet but needy kisses. Remus lets his lips rest against mine in a slight smile before he comes back for two more soft kisses. “That was…” I try to find the words to describe the way I am feeling right now but after a few seconds of struggling to perfect them, I resign to the fact that there may not be any.</p><p>
  <i> “Wow.” <i>Hopefully he’ll hear the feelings behind the innate simplicity. </i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>“That pretty much sums up my thought process as well.”  Remus mews, leaning back and closing his eyes. He seems to understand what is flooding my mind, exploding through my body and overwhelming my senses. Words can be rather useless in moments like these. He adjusts his body slightly and I realize how sore he must be, just hours after a transformation. The bed squeaks from under us as I try to move but he won’t let me up. “S’fine.” He murmurs as I rub his mussed hair out of his eyes. His hands are still on my thighs, warm and just a little rough against the material of my pants. “Mmm.” He seems to groan almost happily as I play with his hair. </p><p>“You’ve got a tiny cut at your hairline.” I notice and before I can grab my wand to try and heal it, his hand is on mine. “Let me heal it.” I say with a tiny snicker. Seems almost trivial, I’m sitting on top of a Lycanthrope asking him to let me heal him instead of taking out my wand to render him useless so I can arrest him. But I knew from the moment I met him that he was different. I just didn’t know why until tonight. At least nothing absolute. </p><p>But as I sit in the quiet with him, nothing between us but flickering candlelight and the truth, all I can think about are the absolutes. </p><p>“If it’s tiny, it’ll heal itself, Callie.” He says softly. “Don’t waste magic on me.” He looks into my eyes and there’s a sadness starting to seep back inside of them. A sadness I thought I had taken away. Absurd thought it seems because just mentioning the cut has seemingly thrown us back into reality. </p><p>“Anything, magic or otherwise, used on you or with you would never be a waste, Rem.” I inspect the minor cut. It stopped bleeding ages ago and was already starting to heal. Doesn’t seem to be from his..</p><p>
  <i>Claws.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>The first of the absolutes reside in the reality where it’s become blatantly obvious that this is not a normal circumstance. I am a young woman, just coming into my career and life. He is an older man, life wearied and there’s the glaringly obvious staring me in the face while I stare at what life has done to his.</p><p>Remus Lupin is a werewolf. Monthly, the comforting warmth living and breathing under me turns into a bloodthirsty, ravenous wolf. The safety that exudes from him falls away for the night and in turn he is capable of anything you could think of. Even more so, he’s capable of what you won’t allow yourself to think about. Complete destruction.</p><p>“What do we do now?” He baits in a heavy sigh and I blink, letting his hair fall back over the dried over cut. If it does leave a scar, it won’t be noticeable. Not that that matters, I think to myself as I let my eyes fall on the two deep silver scars that separate his beautiful face into two diagonal halves. </p><p>“Well, I think you could do with a shower or a soak” I try to push the reality away again for a moment. Two moments. Anything to push that absolute to the back of our minds. “Get the rest of this blood off of you and clean those wounds. Soothe the aches and pains. Help the muscles around your hip.”</p><p>“Not what I meant, Callisto.” All the satisfaction and happiness had evaporated from every inch of the man I'm still seated on. His hands are no longer on my body, they're back to picking at his scars. Whatever has happened in the fleeting moments between our kisses until now, all good is gone. Pushing that absolute to the back was wishful thinking. He’s making sure I know that.</p><p>“Yes, Remus. I knew what you meant but since it’s unimportant I decided to just move past it.” </p><p>
  <i>“Unimportant.” <i>He says with a haughty sigh. As if that’s the most asinine thing I’ve ever said in my life. To be perfectly honest, I think it’s rubbish that he even asked to begin with. To me, it’s just a sickness. Incurable? Sure. But there are plenty of illnesses that can’t be helped nor taken away. With magic or otherwise. </i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p> </p><p>“Well, I don’t know why we need to worry about what to do now. I don’t see why this has to be a big discussion. Do you?” I made the mistake of asking his opinion. I should not have done that. As soon as it was out of my mouth, I knew. I just made this an argument. With minimal effort.</p><p>“As a matter of fact, I do. I’m a..” The severity of how this impacts him is written in the tenseness of his body. He is still, like stone. It’s in the rising temperature of his body under mine, becoming unbearingly hot. It’s written in the scowl on his face. The pain in his voice. It’s everywhere. There will be no escaping it.</p><p>“A werewolf. I bloody know. I told you I knew, for Godric’s sake. I knew before I kissed you. I know now. Look. It doesn’t matter. You want proof, I’ll give you proof.” </p><p>I go to kiss him and he leans his head back, hitting it on the wall with a hollow thud.</p><p>
  <i>“Argh! <i>Callisto, I mean it!” He slowly opens his eyes out of the wincing he’s doing from hitting his head. His fingers run through his sweaty hair and I stop for a second to make sure he’s not bleeding. His fingers come back clean but he’s writhing under me. He’s pushing me away and conversely, I no longer wish to sit on his lap. I don't even care that he’s sore. The git downright deserves it. I push myself off of him and walk to the kitchenette where the remnants of the necklace Fin had gifted me years ago laid on the counter, a mere silver powder now. Powder I used to heal the stupid bloke with. </i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>In the blink of an eye, we went from incandescently happy to unbelievably angered. The both of us I would assume, given the state of his red hot skin now pink to match his heat. I am especially angry. Irrationally angry. </p><p>“Y’know I thought you were different. But it’s all the same with you lot, innit? Got what you wanted, didya? A nice little snog and then on your way?” I am seething and every word is pointed. And I hope it hurts. Deep,deep down in his conscience. If he has one. “All of you.. bloody stupid.”</p><p>“Werewolves?” He asks and I turn on a dime, finding myself nose to nose with him. I hadn’t realized he stood up. I hadn’t even noticed his ambling gait as he limped his way over to me. Not hard to do though when all you can focus on is the anger pounding through your body. </p><p>
  <i>“Men.”<i> I hiss at him, looking him up and down with nothing but unadulterated anger and hurt in my heart. Controlling my actions. Spewing through my words. “Fuckin’ hell, Lupin. Do you really think I'm no better than vermin Snape? Think I’d only think of you as a werewolf did ya?” I spit as I snap the ‘p’ in both of their names. </i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>“Well, that <i>is<i> my kind.” He murmurs, looking down at his bare feet and that's when I realize he's holding himself up with the help of a crutch. A makeshift crutch it seems, made out of large, aged tree limbs and held together with wood screws. Well worn and torn fabric at the top that could no longer be providing the comforting padding it was originally intended for. </i></i></p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>“Your kind? Your <i>kind<i>? You're a man, Remus. A <i>man<i>.” </i></i></i></i></p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i></i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i></i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>“I'm. A. <i>Werewolf.<i> A half breed. I am <i>old<i>. I am <i>dangerous<i>. I am poorer than <i>poor<i>.  I have <i>nothing<i> to offer anyone except looking over your shoulder at every corner and poverty. And that's if I'm lucky. My life has gone all to pot.” </i></i></i></i></i></i></i></i></i></i></p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i></i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i></i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>“Oh sod it!” I shout and when I do Remus looks towards the door to his quarters. “Oi, fuckin listen to me! I put a bleedin’ silencing spell on that door ages ago!” Green eyes slowly pan back to me and I don't know if it's because they are bloodshot, swollen, and black or because of the deep rooted sadness, but I found myself softening up unwillingly. </p><p>“You are a man with a condition. Nothing less than. But you are so much more than a werewolf, or your age, or how you<i> stupidly<i> view yourself. And who gives a shit about your money? Not me. And if you keep calling yourself these horrible things then no one else is going to call you any different themselves. If you keep speaking in half breeds and half bloods all of these half measures then no one will treat you differently.”</i></i></p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>“Callisto.. I..” He looks down at the crutch he’s using to support himself and I watch his long, still bloodied fingers flex and grip, the knuckles going from white to pink over and over again. “I cannot offer you anything other than what you see before you. A broken, wicked…” He looks up at me with tears In his eyes. </p><p>
  <i>“Man..”<i> He finishes his thought before limping towards me, uncertainty painted in every one of the features that make my heart pang. “You work in the Ministry. You’ve dealt with my <i>k—-<i>.” He stops dead in his tracks when he catches the death glare I shoot at him. He is not reduced to a kind. And he will stop referring to himself as such as long as I’m around. “You’ve dealt with people like me. You know what happens when we register. What do you think life would be like with me knowing that I haven’t registered? Not that I haven’t thought of turning myself in or.. Or something more absolute but I can’t. Not.. not yet anyways.”</i></i></i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i></i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i></i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>The seriousness of his tone makes me hate what I do for a living. Or used to. Hell, I still do. I’m still an Auror through and through. <i>Constant vigilance<i> and all. Though, I don’t know how good I am at it, given that I’ve had a thing for a <i>werewolf<i> for the last several weeks. </i></i></i></i></p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i></i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i></i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>“So.. It’s either a life of secrecy or it’s a life on the run.” He continues his rant. “There is going to be no in between. I have no money, no worldly possessions, and there’s no such thing as home to me. Besides here. Maybe. At best. And what’s worse is what little normalcy I can offer you will all be forgotten monthly when I turn into a dangerous, vile monster. For the rest of my life. What happens if I get a dodgy batch like this time? What happens when I lose this job and can’t afford Wolfsbane, dodgy or not? What happens if I get out? What if innocent students cross my path? What if <i>you<i>…” </i></i></p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>The second absolute is hanging between us, as thick as the tension surrounding us. This absolute is as sharp as the insults falling from his lips. And it is just as detrimental. This absolute is heartbreaking, if only for me. This absolute is something he’s lived with for only Godrick knows how long.</p><p>Remus Lupin holds himself in so much contempt and with so much hatred that he accepts everything he hears about himself and his affliction to be true. That is the reason why he does not flinch when Malfoy sneers at him. This is why the whispers and insults seem to never quite reach his ears. It’s not that he’s covered in protection spells and can’t hear them. The absolute of it all is that they echo his own sentiments. </p><p>Remus Lupin believes that he is the darkest of evil, vile to the extreme and deserving of a fate worse than death. He cares nothing about himself and puts all the priority on others. On<i> me.</i></p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>“You won’t.” I insist, grabbing his chin softly. “You won’t get out. You won’t come across students or anyone otherwise and you wont hurt me.” Remus shakes his head and I know that my words aren’t doing anything to change his mind. </p><p>“I very well could, Callisto. That’s the scariest thing about all of this. It’s not the agonizing transformation. It’s not the sickness leading up to and proceeding after. It’s not even the judgement or outcasting. Hell, they are right to believe everything they’ve been told about me.” I feel a deep pain in my chest that radiates out to the rest of my body when I hear him echo what I know to be true about what he believes about himself. “It’s the fact that I could hurt you. Or worse.” Tears are falling down his cheeks in heavy droplets. My heart is threatening to shatter on the spot watching this hallowed version of Remus falling apart in front of my eyes. </p><p>
  <i>“Rem..”<i> I whisper, taking his face gently into my hands and wiping the tears away with my thumbs as much as I can. But they aren’t letting up. At this rate, he may drown the both of us. My eyes are welling as he trembles in my hand. </i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>“I didn’t do this just for a snog and to walk away.” His voice is barely audible as he seemingly stares through me as he says something I already figured out to be true. He uses my words back at me and I can feel the pain I inflicted. “You have barely touched the surface of all that I am and all that I’ll ever be, Callie. You don’t know the half of it. I don’t want you to know the half of it, because as scared as I am that I will hurt you if you stay, I’m just as terrified of what I will do to myself if you decide to walk away.” He takes a rattling breath in that shakes the both of us to our cores. “I don’t wish to be alone anymore. I have been alone for the last twelve years. I can’t tell you how many times I have woken up to a sunrise I will never remember, alone and covered in blood wondering if it was mine or if…” </p><p>He stops and looks away from me. What he isn’t saying is as loud and overwhelming as the silence that accompanies the sickening image we’re both seeing in our minds. </p><p>
  <i>“I can’t control it and I can’t stop it.”<i> The whispered confession is mulled with tears and heartbreak that we have both succumbed to. </i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>And in that confession lives the last absolute of this all. Something that I know to be true to the depths of my soul. And his soul, no matter how damned he believes it to be. </p><p>Remus Lupin is a good man and a great wizard. He is everything that is great about this world and any other. Remus Lupin is not dark. He is light. He could never be a monster. He could never be evil. He has an illness, and yes, it is something beyond anyone’s control but he is a brilliant man, first and foremost. And he is good. </p><p>And I’ve just made the decision to take on the task of making him believe just that. If it’s the last thing I do.</p><p>“I know. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve someone who will be there through it all.” Again, he shakes his head in disbelief and I’ve had enough of him believing he is undeserving of a good life. The best life. I thumb his chin with just enough force to make him look me in the eyes and listen. </p><p>“I will make myself very clear. I am an adult. I don’t care what age gap stands between us.” Remus goes to speak and I shake my head and put a finger to his hot, wet lips.</p><p>“No. We aren’t the first. We won’t be the last, Remus. I am more than capable of making my own decisions and it’s not like you coerced me into this. I came onto you. Mostly because you can’t take a hint but that’s neither here nor there right now.” I say, a laugh creeping into my words.</p><p>“And I don’t give a damn about money. I have plenty of it for the both of us. And as far as you being dangerous, I <i>am. An. Auror.<i>” I emphasize those words as if it’s the solution to this argument. Maybe it could be, I think for a moment before I go on. “I signed up to fight the darkest of dark so a little werewolf doesn’t scare me. You are not wicked. You are not evil. You are not a monster. You’re just <i>sick.<i> And there’s nothing the matter with that.”</i></i></i></i></p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i></i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i></i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>I don’t give him time to argue with me about what I’ve just said. I won’t allow it. His life is going to change for the better. Starting right now. Because that is what he deserves. </p><p>“As far as making this work.. I will brew your Wolfsbane from now on. Partially because I think you mucked it up with Severus.” Remus sighs and leans his head back staring up at the ceiling. “You did threaten to end him where he stood. But the tosser deserved it. But it’s also mostly because I will make sure it’s right. I don’t trust the slimy git as far as I could throw him. Besides, I’m a better potions brewer than Snape. Why do you think he hates me so much? This filthy little mud blood can brew circles around him.” I chuckle to myself as I go through the list of needs that I must meet to help him.</p><p>“I will cover the classes every full moon, the students seem to like me just as much as they do you. Not to take away from your brilliance, of course, but I’m not the prat I thought I was and I haven’t buggered it yet. It’s only been a day but I kept Snape from assigning homework about werewolves. The greasy git was trying to out you.” I let go of his chin and caress his cheek, finally feeling him rest against my hand. “Couldn't have that could we? You and I will teach that lesson. No one else.” I offer him and smile and though his lips don’t return the favor, his eyes seem to have a little less despair living in them. “And then as far as you go. Well, if you’ll have me..” </p><p>I take a hand from his cheek and place it over his heart, tracing an aged silver scar. I stare at it for a moment before looking back up into those beautiful green eyes. I take a deep breath and I allow myself to get lost in that pensive Remus Lupin stare. </p><p>“You will never again have to fight the moon alone, darling.” </p><p>His face contorts for a moment before I hear the crutch fall to the ground with a clatter. In an instant, he is collapsing against me, crying into my hair with his hands holding me tightly against his body. </p><p>I allow the gravity of everything to fall down, crying myself as I run my fingers through his hair. It is not lost on me that the pads of my fingers find rough lines on his scalp, matching the rough lines I feel covering the rest of his body. I kiss his neck and his shoulder, his fingers squeezing my hips. Hot tears dampen my shirt and he lets his weight fall against me </p><p>He truly surrounds me, warmth and comfort. He’s all arms and legs and his torso takes up half of my body. The weight of him isn’t overbearing, it’s comforting like my own personal Remus security blanket. Made just for me. </p><p>“I guess somebody knew I was meant for someone..” His words are filled with exhaustion and perhaps contentment. I smile at his words but we both know he has yet to accept them. But that’s okay. </p><p>“What's the next step?” He mumbles into my shoulder before moving my shirt away from my neck and giving it a small kiss. </p><p>“Mmmm.” I hum, leaning back and looking up into his eyes. I gently wipe under his lashes, careful to not hurt him while wiping the last of his tears away but I know more are coming. They’re still welling in his swollen, red eyes. And that’s okay, too. </p><p>“I still say a shower. You need to give these wounds a proper clean, without magic. And a soak will make you feel loads better.” </p><p>Remus sniffles and runs his hands down his face. “<i>Argh.<i>” He moans into his hands, muffling the real pain before stepping back and nodding. “Yeah, I think you’re right, Callie.” He looks around for his crutch and finds it a few feet away, where it slid after he collapsed against me. I watch him decide if he can walk without it. He takes a few shaky steps before I take over. I wrap my arms around his waist and coax him to lean against me. </i></i></p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>“Don’t you need to…” He questions looking down at me. “You probably want to sleep. You have to teach in only a few hours. Besides, Severus probably sprinted to Dumbledore and Minerva to tell them of the death threat I issued. They’ll be knocking down our doors momentarily.” </p><p>“Then they’ll find me here.” I said simply, putting his arm around my shoulders and walking past the kitchen towards the tiny hallway. “I’m not leaving this room unless we need to get Madam Pomfrey or you kick me out.” </p><p>“Stubborn arse..” He chuckles before stopping as quickly as he started. “Ow. That fuckin hurts.” He winces and then points at the end of the hall. “Loo is that way. I’ll probably just..” He takes his arm off my shoulder and tries to stand on his own. He shakes his head and waves me forward. I quickly go back under his arm and offer my support which he gladly takes. “Soak. I can’t seem to stand with my hip. Fuckin’ thing, I’ll be using my cane for a week.” </p><p>“S’quite alright. Do you want a stamina charm?” I ask, holding my hand up to his torso. He shakes his head and I click my tongue. “Okay, well. Offer still stands whenever. I’ll run your bath water and put some nice oils in there. See if that helps with the pain.” </p><p>We make it to the lavatory and I set him on the seat of the loo, smirking when I had to put the lid down. There may be a part of him that’s not a man, and a part that is extraordinary, but somewhere in there also lies a typical man. One that wears tattered old sweats when he’s unwell and leaves the toilet seat up. </p><p>“Hey erm—“ Remus grabs my attention as I draw his bath for him, putting in oils to clean his wounds and soothe his aching bones. </p><p>“Yeah, Rem?” I watch as the pink and purple bubbles fill his old brass tub. </p><p>“I’ve uh…” He clears his throat and I look back to see him wringing his hands together. He looks away from me quickly and stares at a spot on the wall, fixating. “I’ve not had…” </p><p>I stop the water and turn, leaning against the tub with my arms crossed, a smile gracing my lips. “Well, out with it, Rem..”</p><p>
  <i>“Fuckin’ hell…”<i> He sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’ve not had a girlfriend, okay? Like… ever.” </i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>“Ever?” I ask, trying not to laugh at the adorable way he’s utterly terrified. A werewolf. Terrified of being someone’s boyfriend. “Well, are you a… I mean, you’ve had <i>experience<i> with a woman, haven’t you?” I stifle laughter when his eyes bug out. </i></i></p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>“Oi, Piss off! I’ve had experience I’ve just never had anything of substance with it. Bloody hell, London. I’ve done <i>that<i>.” </i></i></p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>I am fully laughing now as I stand to help him into the tub. I keep my eyes on his as I pull down his sweats. I watch his cheeks tinge pink as he kicks out of them and steps into the water. I’m not even remotely looking at his body. I’m just offering the support I know he needs. </p><p>“I’m not looking.” I say softly and he nods. “One step at a time.” I don’t know whether he accepts that I’m telling him we will take our time with this relationship or if it was advice for getting into the water but he took it, slowly lowering himself until he was covered with bubbles and it was safe for me to look away from his eyes. </p><p>“Well, I’m glad you at least know what you’re doing in that aspect.” I joke and he splashes me with water as I take a seat next to the tub, finally face level with him again. “Oh, stop whinging, Remus. I’ve not had a boyfriend who was a werewolf before, have I? So.. we’re both inexperienced. Some of us just more so than others.” I laugh.  </p><p>
  <i>“Bollocks.”<i> He mutters, sliding down into the tub until he’s fully submerged, his knobby knees sticking out of the water as bubbles stop floating to the surface. I reach in, grab him by his hair and bring him back to the surface. His brown hair wet down to cover his eyes while bubbles and water rain down his face. </i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>“We’ll learn as we go. No need to off yourself, crazy man.” He rubs the soap out of his eyes and blinks the water away. </p><p>
  <i>“Loony Lupin.”<i> He sulks and I can’t help but smile at the childlike demeanor he’s brought to life before me. Here he is before me, literally stripped down to nothing, his walls down. Secrets gone. I take his soaked mop of hair and push it up into a Mohawk, grinning at it all. </i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>“My<i> loony Lupin.” I say, reaching for his bath sponge, wetting it in the water and then bringing it up to clean his new gashes, already fading into pink scars. I wash the dried blood away and he closes his eyes, relaxing. We stay like this for a few moments, him laying in the bath while I tend to his wounds. He takes a deep breath in as I’m cleaning around his hip and he puts his hand on mine, fragrant warm water sliding down both of our arms. </i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>“Sorry. I know that hurts.” I say, quickly retreating from his displaced hip. He shakes his head and mews his disagreement.</p><p>“Mmm. No. It’s not that.” His eyes flutter open and for the first time in hours, he smiles. “Thank you.” He sighs, reaching up and putting a soapy hand on my cheek. His thumb rubs across my lips and I lean against his touch. “For everything.” I nod, kissing his thumb and that’s when he pulls me down. </p><p>His kiss tastes like the oils in his bath and something that is inherently Remus. Something I can’t explain even if I wanted to but I do know that I haven’t had a kiss like this before in my life. Not from Fin. From chance encounters. Not from anyone.</p><p>He kisses me and the tension melts away. Time seems to slow down as my heart threatens to beat out of my chest. It’s exhilarating and grounding all at the same time. Something tugs from my center and as much as there are all these unknowns surrounding us, I feel safe. This feels right. In every sense of the word. </p><p>“Also..” He says breathlessly as he pulls away and our eyes flutter open at the same time. “Minerva is at the door. And she has a certain potions master with her.” He says simply as he leans back against the tub and closes his eyes. </p><p>
  <i>Knock knock</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>“Remus! It’s Minerva. Can we talk?” There’s a low murmur and a clearing of a throat as I look out of the bathroom. “And Severus. We just need a moment. We’re so sorry to bother you.” </p><p>I look from the hallway back to Remus and scoff.</p><p>“How?” I ask, knowing that he’ll understand what I’m asking without all the unnecessary words. </p><p>Remus lifts his hand from the water, pokes his own nose, leaving bubbles on the button of it. His eyes are still closed when he smiles. </p><p>“You can smell…” I look at the door again and then back to him. “From this far away?” Remus nods and opens his eyes, still grinning. “From across the castle during some parts of the cycle. Better open the door quickly, darling. Severus is mad and Minerva is a little nervous.”</p><p>“You can smell <i>that?!<i>” I probe incredulously. His grin widens and he simply nods again as if it’s the most normal thing in the world. “Moony is a regular bloodhound.” He laughs as he points to the door. “Go on, then before she blasts the door and they see something they aren’t ready to see. This is going to be a shock as it is. I’m right behind you.” He sits up and wipes his face and arms before taking one look at me and handing me the towel. </i></i></p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>I shake my head as I stand up and wipe the soap off of my face and hands. I am hardly presentable, wet from cleaning him as well as the splashes that couldn’t be helped. </p><p>“I have so many questions. And you’re gonna answer them after they leave.” I demand and Remus is already laughing. </p><p>“I’ve already figured as much, you stubborn arse.” He growls after me as I walk down the hall, smiling as I take out my wand and remove the locking smell. </p><p>“Yeah, well, I’m your stubborn arse.” I call back before opening the door to find a surprised Minerva and seething Severus. </p><p>“Stubborn and loony! We should make a glorious couple!” He called back and Minerva looks around me into the room, undoubtedly hearing Remus call out to me. </p><p>So much for easing everyone into this.</p><p>“Minerva, Severus! Do come in. Remus was just…” McGonagall takes a step in and looks around the room and then stares at me. I look down at my soaked shirt and smile. “Cleaning himself up. Rough night last night. He has some unexpected setbacks..” </p><p>Minerva raises an eyebrow and then looks back at Severus who turns pink in the face. </p><p>“Is that so?” She inquires and I nod as Remus comes shuffling into the room with help of his cane. I look back and smile at the sight of him in some proper pajamas, finally. He is rubbing a towel through his hair and despite his battered state, has a smile on his face. I subtly wave my hand in his direction and he straightens before looking and me, chuckling. </p><p>He could do with a little stamina charm in present company. “Evening Minerva. Severus. Or should I say morning? This is a surprise.” He comes to stand next to me, placing a hand on my back as he turns us. “Do come in.” He says simply, smiling down at me. </p><p>“Yes well, surprise seems to be a common theme for the night.” McGonagall says as she walks in, sounding both disciplinary and impressed at the same time. </p><p>
  <i>“We’re about to lose so many house points…”<i> Remus whispers in my ear before closing the door and it takes all my strength not to burst out in laughter.</i></i>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Every little thing she does is magic<br/>Every thing she do, it turns me on<br/>Even though my life before was tragic<br/>Now I know my love for her goes on<br/>Do I have to tell the story<br/>Of a thousand rainy days since we first met?<br/>its a big enough umbrella<br/>But it's always me that ends up getting wet<br/><br/>"Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic- The Police"</em>
</p><hr/><p>
  <em>Hinkypunks are one legged smokey blokes. Like if a pirate appeared from a cigarette. Without the peg leg. Their screams are bloody awful and you can petrify them with a light. Though, I don't know how they can carry a lantern if that's their weakness. Makes it too easy dunnit?</em>
</p><p>I smiled and had to stifle a laugh as I read Ron’s parchment over what we learned this week. Not quite the standard I was particularly looking for but then again, also not incorrect. A bit imaginative but still had the right idea. I underlined the correct indicators and marked the essay with an <em>Acceptable</em> and pushed it to the finished pile. I was still chuckling when I started looking over the next parchment.</p><p>
  <em>A Hinkypunk is a diminutive, one-legged magical creature with the appearance of wispy blue, grey or white smoke. This creature has a love for luring travellers off of their paths at night, into treacherous bogs or wetlands under the guise of guiding them to safety with their lamps. They can propel fireballs far from their lamps, causing serious damage once they've trapped their prey.</em>
</p><p>“As always, right on the money, Hermione.” I say to myself before skimming through the rest of the parchment, knowing full well she's hit every point there is to be had. While Ron and Harry provided an ample amount of entertainment while keeping their responses within an acceptable realm of accuracy, Hermione was always the standard for the curriculum. I marked her with an <em>Outstanding</em> and was moving on to Harry's when I was otherwise distracted</p><p>“Are you going to come in, Darling, or just stand out in the hall all afternoon?”</p><p>There was a gasp and then light laughter as Callisto came waltzing into my bedroom. Her Chestnut hair was dripping as if she had just stepped out of the shower. I would hope that wasn't the case, however, as her clothes were just as waterlogged as she was.</p><p>“Is it always impossible to sneak up on a werewolf?” She asks as she strides over to my couch, leaving a river behind her as she goes. I smile and wave my hand over the students' parchments, hitting them with an <em>Impervius</em> charm to repel the water she is bound to drip onto them.</p><p>“It is with <em>this</em> werewolf.” I grin as I grab her hand and pull her down to sit on my lap. “I can smell your Apple shampoo from miles away. C’mere Darling, you look a fright.” I cuddle her to me and hiss at the temperature difference. She's usually cold but not this cold. “You're practically frozen! We need to get dry clothes on you before you get sick. What dark forces were you fighting out there that resulted in this?”</p><p>I try to push her up so I can put her in a fresh jumper and perhaps a pair of my sweats but she ignores my efforts and buries herself into my chest.</p><p>“Mmmm. Quidditch.” She mumbles against my chest and I lean my head down against hers and smile.</p><p>“<em>Quidditch</em>.” I mew, tsking my tongue against the roof of my mouth and holding her as close as I could, rubbing my hands up and down her arms and legs. Anywhere I could touch I did. “Dark forces indeed. Good thing they had you there. Nasty thing that is, Quidditch. I hope you didn't hurt yourself Aurorating.” She giggles as I'm warming her with my hands and I look down at her and smirk. “Auroring? Auroration? I haven't figured out the right verbiage for that.”</p><p>“To be quite honest, no one has ever made a word for what we do. So, I don't know but if Moody ever tells me, you'll be the first person I tell.” She sits up and gives me that crooked Callie smile and I'm locked in. I feel my smirk grow wider as I lift my hand and take a dripping piece of hair and tuck it behind her ear. She brings her icy hand up to move my hair and I let her, shivering at the contact. “Your cut is healed and your eyes look <em>much</em> better. Hardly any dark circles. How's the gashes? Lemme see.”</p><p>She makes quick work of the buttons on my cardigan as well as the buttons of my shirt underneath. She opens both and gives my chest a good examination. Normally, I would feel exposed in the worst way but ever since we've crossed the imaginary boundary of colleagues to partners, I've learned to test my comfort zones. Besides, she's already seen me at my worst.</p><p>And naked. Even if she claims she didn't look.</p><p>“They look great, Rem! You'll still have scars but nothing like the others. Silver..” She says, looking in my eyes briefly before going back to the healing scratches. “Silver was what you've been missing.”</p><p>“You.” I say softly and she makes eye contact again. I bring my hand up and cup her cheek. “You are what I've been missing.” I bite my lip as I swipe my thumb across her bottom lip. She shakes her head slightly before she closes distance between us and seals my confession with a kiss.</p><p>She puts her hand on my chest and I hiss.</p><p>“<em>Bloody hell. You're an ice cube.</em>” I say with gritted teeth and closed eyes and she laughs before I feel her lay against my chest, getting as close as she can and burrowing her arms around my waist and tucking her head under mine.</p><p>“<em>Mmm. You're so warm.</em>” Her words are muffled into my neck lazily. Making my heart pang.</p><p>“Ah, that's what you were playing at. You didn't want to see my wounds, you wanted to use me as your personal furnace.” Callisto tries to sit up but I use my strength to my advantage and hold her against my bare skin. She needs to warm up and quickly. And this is the best way. However, I am still mischievous so I can't let her get away without a little grief. “No, no, Dear. This is one of the few benefits I can offer being a werewolf. I'm always warm. I expect you to take full advantage of all the benefits that come with my affliction. I certainly do.”</p><p>“Like smelling me from across the Castle.” She mumbles against my skin and I sigh.</p><p>“Smelling <em>you</em> across the Castle is a benefit, yes. However, smelling <em>teenagers</em> from across the castle, or even Severus or..” I chuckle and put my cheek against the top of her head as I caress her back. “I hate to say it, but Hagrid.. that can quickly turn into one of my least favorite consequences of being a werewolf.”</p><p>My body rocks with her laughter for several seconds before I join her in the ridiculousness of it all, rocking back and forth until we slowly quiet down. There's no sound except for the patter of rain against my window and our breathing. Slowly she's becoming less damp from laying against me and it's transferred to my clothes and torso. I would normally be sweating but she's still cool to the touch but no longer shivering.</p><p>“I actually came here to tell you that the game ended rather abruptly. Harry was going after the snitch and Dementors interrupted the game. He fell off his broom.” I take a quick breath in and feel myself tense under her. My body heat rises and I look at my arms to see the hair sticking up. It's also raised on the back of my neck and my ears are prickling.</p><p>“Is he--”</p><p>“He's alright. Dumbledore used the Slowing Charm on him to lessen the blow. Good thing it had been raining, it softened the ground. He used a stretcher to bring him to Madam Pomfrey but by the time I got there he was awake and upright. He's in one piece.” I relax once more, going back to rubbing her back and playing with her hair which was still damp but no longer soaked. “More than I can say about his broom though.”</p><p>“Oh no. His broom was nicked?”</p><p>“His broom is in pieces. I came across it after I got rid of the Dementors. It hit the Whomping Willow. And you know how that bloody thing gets.”</p><p>
  <em>More than you know.</em>
</p><p>“That's unfortunate. I hope that he can mend it. I know how much flying and Quidditch means to him.” I take a deep breath in and I can't help it. I get lost in the memory of James. How he was the same way. Quidditch and Lily were his life. One day without either and he was chomping at the bit. Harry was so much like him. Like the both of them.</p><p>I feel a pull in my stomach and I let out a big sigh. When I do this, Callisto sits up and stares down at me.</p><p>“Rem?”</p><p>“Hmm?”</p><p>“I'm going to ask a question and if it's too far then tell me and I'll let it go.” I can feel the tension in her body and I can hear the apprehension in her voice. I put my hands on hers and rub them together to help warm her frozen hands. I nod for her to continue. “Okay, well, the night after the full moon… You told me you were friends with James Potter. Harry’s father.”</p><p>“He was one of my best mates. The <em>best</em>, actually.” I stop warming her hands and stare at them, getting lost in the memories. “He was one of the first ones to actually accept me.. y'know.” I feel tears stinging my eyes and Callie takes her thumb and gently lifts my chin to look at her. “For who I am. Both versions of me.”</p><p>Callie gives a slight smile, one meant to console and comfort someone. Not one of happiness. She squeezes my hands in hers before she continues with her curiosity.</p><p>“Am I safe to assume that you got on with him and Harry’s mother then? Even perhaps that you were around when Harry was born?”</p><p>I don't do or say anything for a few moments except to relive all the moments of my past.</p><p>Slowly watching James go from the messy haired bespectacled boy who obsessed over pranks and quidditch to the messy haired bespectacled boy who obsessed over Evans and quidditch.</p><p>Watching the two of them avoid each other like the plague to being inseparable.</p><p>Helping him propose. Being in their wedding.</p><p>The shock when Lily told me she was pregnant before she told anyone else. Including James.</p><p>Having a baby during the war.</p><p>Raising a baby during the war.</p><p>I went from Remus Lupin the outcast to Moony the Marauder. And then from Moony the Marauder to Uncle Moony. I went from having nothing to having the best mates anyone could ask for. And those mates turned into family.</p><p>And then as quickly as that happened, in the swish of a wand, I went back to having nothing.</p><p>Voldemort took it all away from me.</p><p>
  <em>Sirius took it all away from me.</em>
</p><p>“They were my family. Harry was my family. I was Uncle Moony. I've fed him. Watched him. Played with him. You're not the first to take advantage of my radiating heat.” I smiled bittersweetly at the memory of a chubby baby boy snuggled against my chest when he was just a wee baby. “When Harry couldn't sleep, Lily would hand him over and within seconds he'd be snoring like his father. He loved being warm.” Callisto sighs, bringing up her hands to wipe away tears that have breached my lashes. “I was supposed to be his family but everything got taken away from me that night. They took him to his Aunt and Uncles and..I've been alone ever since. He doesn't remember. But, I could never forget.”</p><p>Callie kisses my forehead scratching the back of my head with her long nails. I’m moved by how something so simple can be so soothing. We’ve only just begun this adventure together. This relationship. Learning each other. But everyday it seems she knows more about me than I’ve let out. There’s been a gravitation since day one and more so, an understanding that I can’t explain. I won’t speak for her, but I know there’s been several instances where words aren’t needed. She seems to understand what I’m feeling without a vocalized thought. And vice versa.</p><p>“Y’know, just because he doesn’t remember doesn’t mean that either of you aren’t deserving of that relationship. He might not know you were once considered his family but he does trust you. He’s come to you more than once for help, hasn’t he?”</p><p>I shrug and bite my lip. “The first time he didn’t come to me for help. I just happened to be there. However, he did come to me while you were in Hogsmeade with his classmates. We spoke about boggarts and dementors and his parents.” Callie grins as she plays with my hair absentmindedly. I hold her closer, clasping my hands behind her back and leaning forward, hovering her over the floor as I smirk at her. She raises her eyebrow but doesn’t gasp or flinch like I expected her to with the unexpected dip. “So you may be right.” I drawl, giving her the satisfaction of hearing it.</p><p>Her hair brushes the floor, leaving a tiny wet spot in the dust. She bites her lip and gives a very soft laugh that reverberates through the palms of my hands as they suspend her above the ground.</p><p>“I am always right.” She retorts, making me cock an eyebrow. “If you haven’t learned that yet, you will.” I lift her back up, waving my hand over her and in an instant she is dry again. She looks down at herself and scoffs. “You couldn’t have done that twenty minutes ago?” She asks and I shrug again, cupping her face with my hands and pulling her in for several kisses.</p><p>“And waste an opportunity to cuddle you? Not a chance.” I whisper against her nose before she pushes me back and clammors off of my legs. I am instantly cooled from the absence of her body heat and from being soaked from the excess rain water that transferred over to me. I look down, chuckling before I wave my hand to dry myself. I button up my newly dry shirt and cardigan and put my hand on her back as she bends over, looking at the parchment on the table.</p><p>“Oh, you’re going over the essays! Great!” She picks up Harry’s and starts to read it before handing it over to me. “Hermione ace it?” She asks, picking through the graded stack while I put Harry’s parchment back down on the table.</p><p>“Do you expect a different result?” I tease her before turning her to look at me. “Hermione could teach the class if she wanted to, darling. In fact, she’s taught me a few things in the last few weeks.” I wrap my arms around her waist and sway us back and forth. “I could use some help with these parchment rolls, Callie. My tired eyes have gone cross and fuzzy more than I care to count reading all of these.”</p><p>“You’re the reader here. I take more of a hands on approach.” She jokes as she puts her hands on the back of my neck. “I couldn’t possibly miss out on watching the faces you make when you’re reading them. Not a chance.” She has a habit of using my words against me but Merlin knows it's just one of the many things that attracts me to her. “Go talk to Harry, sweetheart.”</p><p>I shake my head and close my eyes. “I couldn’t possibly. I have no idea what to say. I don't know how to help.”</p><p>“Sure you do. It’s what you do best, darling. Everyone has been telling him what to do his whole life. That he should do this or that. That isn’t what he needs. Just listen to him. You’re the best at that and it’s what he needs the most. For someone to listen.”</p><p>“I don’t know..”</p><p>“Well, I know enough for the both of us. You might not be what you’d thought you’d be at this juncture in his life, but you are absolutely someone he trusts. You don’t have to be perfect. Go be Professor Lupin. Work up to everything else. Uncle Moony could still be a possibility, but not if you don’t try now.” She gives me one more kiss before she lightly pushes me away. “Now, go, Uncle Moony.” She teases before smacking me on the rear end.</p><p>“I don't think I like <em>you</em> calling me Moony.” I’m shaking my head as I walk to the door. “Let’s keep it to Darling, Dear, Honey, Rem. Things like that. You calling me Moony doesn’t really do anything for me.” Callisto is walking with me to the door when she puts her hand on it before I could open it all the way.</p><p>“Don’t be nervous when you go talk to Harry. Just be you. Listen to him. He’ll love you for that.” She kisses my cheek before opening the door and walking ahead of me. “I’m going to go take a shower. I’m still freezing. When you’re done talking to Harry, meet me at the Astronomy Tower.”</p><p>“Astronomy Tower? What for?”</p><p>“I’m taking you on a date.” Her voice goes high at the end. Something that only happens when she is excited and truly up to no good. She bites her lower lip and I know I’m in for it whenever we meet up later tonight. “The longer you stand there staring at me, the longer I have to make plans. Don’t keep me waiting..” She wiggles her eyebrows as she walks backwards to her room. “<em>My darling Moony</em>.”</p><p>She opens her door and disappears before I can say anything. I put my hands in my pockets and amble down the hall, a subtle limp still present in my gait. Everything has healed relatively well except for this ruddy hip of mine. But in time, that will be fine too. That or I’ll get used to it.<br/>I stop for a moment and look back at her door when I hear a dancing tune of an 80s rock anthem float out to the hallway.</p><p>
  <em>Dark in the city night is a wire</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Steam in the subway</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Earth is afire</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Woman, you want me, give me a sign</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And catch my breathing even closer behind</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do</em>
</p><p>I roll my eyes when I realize what she is listening to and I continue my walk towards the hospital wing where Harry is spending his afternoon getting fixed up. I shake my head but can’t help but smile as I hear her singing along to the ironic song while she gets ready for our date. I’m nervous for both tasks before me. I hope I help Harry and don’t make anything worse. I hope that we can become closer and that one day we can have the relationship we were once destined to have. As for Callie, I just hope I don’t make an arse of myself on this date. I’m not too sure how I’ll do with either but she’s right. You can’t get anywhere without trying.</p><p>
  <em>In touch with the ground</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I’m on the hunt, I’m after you</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Smell like I sound, I’m lost in the crowd</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And I’m hungry like the wolf</em>
</p><p>If there is one thing that I’m completely sure of, it's the fact that Callisto London is a handful and will always keep me on my toes.</p><p>And that I’m completely and utterly under her spell.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Back From The Edge</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Did you see them build me up? Well I just tear myself down</em>
  <br/>
  <em>With a smile on my face, I dug my grave in the ground</em>
  <br/>
  <em>We all make mistakes, we're so quick to judge</em>
  <br/>
  <em>It's hard to forgive when we hold onto a grudge</em>
  <br/>
  <em>So turn down the heat, I've been burnin' in hell</em>
  <br/>
  <em>But now I'm back with my own story to tell</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Back from the edge</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Back from the dead</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Back before demons took control of my head</em>
</p><p>
  <em>”Back From The Edge” - James Arthur</em>
</p><hr/><p>“It’s not your fault, mate. If the bloody Dementors hadn't been there, there's no doubt you would have beaten Diggory to the snitch.”</p><p>I heard Ron trying his best to cheer up Harry as I rounded the corner to the Hospital wing.</p><p>“Absolutely Harry! You've never failed to get the snitch before and honestly, they should've had a rematch. Even Cedric was calling for a rematch when he saw what happened. And Dumbledore, you should've seen how mad he was. He's banished them from school grounds unless there's an attack. I've never seen him so angry.”</p><p>Hermione chimed in, a smidge more supportive than Ron but she came by that naturally.</p><p>“Yeah, but you should've seen Professor London.”</p><p>I stop dead in my tracks when I hear Ron start in about Callie. I lean against the wall and I feel just slightly guilty of my eavesdropping but when am I going to get another chance to hear someone else’s point of view on her?</p><p>“She was brilliant. The moment the Dementors came she jumped into action.” Hermione added, piquing my interests.</p><p>“Like <em>literally</em> jumped. She hopped the rails of the grand stand and within seconds was brandishing her wand and some sort of silvery animal sprinted from it, sending the Dementors screeching away. It was amazing. She’s one of the coolest professors ever. Her and Lupin both. They make me wanna be an Auror. Or I dunno, maybe a Professor?”</p><p>Ron’s words make me swell with pride as I smile to myself, hoping to stay hidden just a little longer to enjoy this moment. Of course I was proud that my students were fond of me, but even more so I was immensely happy that they felt the same way about Callisto as well.</p><p>“<em>You</em>? A professor?! Only when unicorns fly out of McGonagall’s backside will you be a professor.”</p><p>Hermione’s backhanded insult causes me to cover my mouth to keep from giving away my position with my laughter. Hermione, although very serious in moments, had a great sense of humor somewhere behind that perfectionist exterior.</p><p>“I could probably make that happen, y'know. There’s gotta be a spell…” Ron grumbled.</p><p>Just then Madam Pomfrey came around the corner, nearly running into me.</p><p>“<em>Oh!</em> Heavens, Mr. Lupin! You’ve nearly frightened me to death! Is everything alright? I worried when you didn’t come see me after…” She looks around to make sure no students are overhearing. “Well, the <em>morning after</em>.”</p><p>“Poppy, please call me Remus. We’re colleagues now. And erm-- as far as <em>that</em> goes I’m alright.” Poppy looks down at my awkward stance that I have resorted to as to alleviate the pain and tuts her tongue against the roof of her mouth. “Oh, well, there may have been a slight dislocation of my hip. The Wolfsbane wasn’t quite right, so there were some setbacks. But, I had someone to help me.”</p><p>Madam Pomfrey arches an eyebrow at me and looks one way down the hall and then the other before pulling up my jumper to find my deeply bruised but in place hip.</p><p>“<em>Slight dislocation</em>. Did this someone heal your wounds?” I nod, putting my hand over my shoulder and chest. “Dittany?” Again I nod.</p><p>“And silver.” I say quietly. Poppy raised both of her eyebrows and hummed.</p><p>“Silver? Well, this someone knows what they are doing then. Silver isn’t always readily available and I haven’t had to keep any on hand since..” She trails off and I know what isn’t being said. She hasnt had to have silver on hand since I’ve left Hogwarts. And we both know that I do not lead a life in which it is available to me either. I could barely afford tea and crackers some months.</p><p>“She used her necklace I think. I haven’t asked her and to be quite honest, if I knew that she had for certain, I don’t know if I’d forgive myself. Too many people have sacrificed too much for me. Sometimes ignorance is bliss but if I had to take a guess…” I also trail off of my words, feeling the guilt and self hatred bubbling up in my throat like a bitter bile.</p><p>Poppy sighs and gives me her best smile, failing to make it look anything but empathetic. Almost bordering on pitiful.</p><p>“I assume you’re here to speak to Mr. Potter and don’t want me fussing over you. You never were too keen on that.” I smile at her and shake my head as I put my jumper back down.</p><p>“I’m still not keen to it. From anyone. Not that that should come as any shock to you.” I chuckle.</p><p>“Right then. Well, I’m bringing you a draught when you’re finished to help with the pain. Before you fuss about that, you’re not going to stop me. You need something, even if its just a little nip for the pain. As far as talking to the boy, you remember the rules, Mr. Lupin?”</p><p>“How could I forget? Only for a few moments. He has healing to focus on.” I hold up my hands in surrender with a sly smile on my face. Poppy slowly returns the grin and nods.</p><p>“Right you are, Mr. Lupin. Go on then. I’ll make this draught for you while you talk.” She rubs my back lightly and I shake my head at her as I finally walk into the Hospital Wing.</p><p>“You’re always going to call me Mr. Lupin, aren’t you?” I tease.</p><p>“You’re always going to go on to the next task at hand instead of fully healing, are you not?”</p><p>Strict as she is, Poppy has always had a sense of humor underneath it all.</p><p>She walks away and I walk to where Harry is surrounded by Ron and Hermione in the middle of the wing. Harry is laying back in the bed, staring at the ceiling while Ron and Hermione are bickering at each other about something.</p><p>“Professor Lupin..” Harry says as he looks down from his fixed point and sees me. The other two snap their heads around and smile at me.</p><p>“Hello, you three.” I smile down at them and they all return the favor.</p><p>“How are you, Professor? You’re looking a lot better.” Ron says innocently. Hermione quickly hits him in the torso causing him to cough. She reminds me of Callie. “I mean, y’know. I know you were ill. Just… checking in.” He mumbles and I smile even bigger.</p><p>“I am feeling loads better, Ron. Thank you for asking. It’s always appreciated when someone cares enough to notice when you’re unwell. Which brings me to why I’m here. If I could have a word with Harry for a moment?” I look down at them with care and they instantly nod, gathering their items and wishing Harry and myself a pleasant afternoon. “Enjoy the rest of your weekend.” I offer before standing next to Harry.</p><p>I give him a once over. He has a few scrapes and scratches. He looks a bit pale and was still soaking wet from the dreadful weather. A bit peaky around the edges but that’s to be expected when you fall from the sky. He motioned for me to sit down on the edge of the bed and I did so immediately, happy that I could take the pain off my hip.</p><p>“I heard about the match,” I start, turning towards him after shuffling to get comfortable. “ and I’m sorry about your broomstick. Is there any chance of fixing it?”</p><p>“No,” says Harry solemnly. “The tree smashed it to bits.”</p><p>I couldn’t help but sigh and feel responsible. After all, if it weren’t for me, the tree wouldn’t be here and the broomstick wouldn’t have flown into it and gotten smashed to bits.</p><p>“They planted the Whomping Willow the same year I arrived at Hogwarts.” I offered him, giving him the partial truth to try and help with the guilt I was having. I don’t know if it was going to help but I couldn’t stop myself from telling him. He was so much like his father and I told his father everything. “People used to play a game, trying to get near enough to touch the trunk. In the end, a boy called Davey Gudgeon nearly lost an eye, and we were forbidden to go near it.”</p><p><em>Well, everyone but me, that is.</em> I think to myself, doubling the guilt. I sigh and shake my head, looking up at Harry with empathy.</p><p>“No broomstick would stand a chance.”</p><p>Harry nods, looking down at his hands that were picking at one another before he mumbles out his question. “I suppose you heard about the dementors too, then?” He seems to have difficulty getting the question out and I look up from his hands quickly.</p><p>“I did. I saw Dumbledore on my way in here. I’ve never seen him look so angry. The dementors… they’ve been growing restless for some time. Furious at his refusal to let them inside the grounds…” I think twice about what I’m about to ask but decide that it’s probably best to do so. This particular subject seems to have an affect on him. “I suppose they were the reason you fell?”</p><p>“Yes.” Harry resigns. He then hesitates for a moment but his question proves to be too much and it shoots out of him like a lightning bolt.”Why? Why do they affect me like that? Am I just---”</p><p>“It has nothing to do with weakness,” The words come out of my mouth so sharply that I could almost feel them pierce my lips on the way out. I don’t know what came over me or if that was even where he was going with the thought but I had a feeling it was. It came out before I could stop it. “The dementors affect you worse than the others because there are horrors in your past that the other’s could only imagine in their nightmares.</p><p>Thunder rolls outside the window behind Harry’s sickbed and he’s watching me with intense concentration.</p><p>“Dementors are amongst the foulest creatures to walk this earth.” I continue. “They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair. They drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them. Even muggles feel their presence, though they cannot see them. Get too near a dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked away from you. If it can, the dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like they are. Soulless and evil. Reduced to nothing more than the worst experiences of your life. And the worst that happened to you, Harry, is more than enough to make anyone fall of their broomstick.” I put my hand on his leg and squeeze. “You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.”</p><p>Harry nods slowly, looking away from me. He squints his eyes and a shimmer starts to gloss over his green eyes. The same green eyes I saw glimmer with hope more times than I can count in my childhood. He was so much like his father, yes, but even more so his mother. I’ve seen this very look on Evans face more often than not. He had her sheer determination.</p><p>“When they get near me---” Harry continues to stare, tears filling his eyes and his throat sounding very tight, making his voice raspy. “I can hear Voldemort murdering my mum.”</p><p>I very quickly bring my hand up to grip his shoulder and hug him to me but my sense took over and I thought better of it. Instead, I take my hand and run it through my hair. There is a lingering silence between the two of us, both unsure of what to say in the moment. He was struggling trying to confide in a stranger his deepest fears and struggles.</p><p>And I was struggling in being reduced to a mere stranger.</p><p>In the same instant that Voldemort took Harry’s family from him, he also managed to do the same to me.</p><p>“<em>Why</em> did they have to come to the match?” Harry spits bitterly.</p><p>“They’re hungry.” I say coldly. “Dumbledore won’t let them into the school, so their supply of prey has diminished. I wouldn’t be able to resist a crowd of happy, fun-loving humans around a Quidditch pitch if I were in their place. All that excitement. Emotions running rampant. It’s their version of a Great Hall feast.”</p><p>“Azkaban must be terrible,” Harry mutters and I know it’s rhetorical but I nod anyways. He has a right to know.</p><p>“The prison is on a tiny island, in the middle of the sea. Why it’s in the sea, I can’t possibly fathom because the walls and the crashing waves are redundant. The prisoners are trapped inside their own minds, incapable of a single happy thought with the dementors feeding on them day and night. Most of them go insane in a matter of days.” I tell him grimly.</p><p>“But, Sirius Black escaped from them. He got away..” Harry drawls and I can’t help it. I flinch hearing his name, my leg falling from the bed with a loud thud.</p><p>I hiss as quietly as I can from the excruciating pain of the shock running up into my bad hip from the brief lapse of control.</p><p>“Yes..” I say, rubbing my hip, looking up at the ceiling waiting for the tears to dry that have welled from the pain of this all. “Black must’ve found a way to fight them.” I say, not at all surprised that he could have found a way to fight them. The stubborn bastard. Couldn’t tell him anything to save his life. Or that anything could be the end of it. “Dementors are supposed to drain a wizard of his powers if he is left with them for long..”</p><p>“<em>You</em> made the dementor on the train go away..” He says suddenly as if he’s had this genius idea.</p><p>“There are <em>certain</em> defenses one can use, but there was only one dementor on the train. The more there are, the more difficult it is to ward off.” I say, knowing where he is going with all this.</p><p>“What defenses?” All at once, he’s practically pouncing on me. “Can you teach me?”</p><p>I shake my head slowly. I don’t know if I’m capable of teaching him how to repel dementors. Especially in my state.</p><p>“I don't pretend to be an expert at fighting dementors, Harry. It’s quite the opposite, actually..”</p><p>“But you’re the <em>Defence</em> professor. Who better to teach me than you? And if they come to another match again, I need to be able to defend myself from them.”</p><p>Harry’s face was full of determination, a look I’d seen all my life from his father during our marauder days.</p><p>“Oh alright. I’ll try to help you. But it’ll have to wait until after the holidays. I’ve got a lot to do to catch up. I always manage to choose the worst time to fall ill.” I smile and pat his leg before standing up as Madam Pomfrey comes over to check in on Harry. “Try to relax, otherwise Madam Pomfrey here will slip you a sleeping draught, and you don’t want that.”</p><p>Harry chuckles finally.</p><p>“Thank you, Professor.” I nod and turn to walk away. Poppy smiles at me as she pats the healthy side of my chest, slipping her pain draught into the pocket of my jumper on her way down so no one would see.</p><p>****<br/>I finally made it up the stairs onto the top of the astronomy tower where there was soft music playing, just barely distinguishable over the falling rain and low thunder.</p><p>She’s sat on the edge of the tower, holding onto the railing, her legs dangling as she kicked them back and forth. I smile when I see that she is sitting on a homemade quilt. On that quilt is an array of food, two chalices, a basket and a stereo. She's got her hair in waves, a black and yellow flannel and jeans. Her bare feet are kicking up and down, sending rainwater flying off the tower in the opposite direction that it's falling.</p><p>“Y'know. For being a <em>magical creature</em>, you’re dreadful at sneaking.” I see the curve of her cheeks soften and rise the same as her ears as she smiles before looking back at me, confirming what I already knew. The teasing tone of her voice put me at ease. Normally I couldn't stand jokes made at my expense but with her, I knew that it was just to make me feel like she was comfortable and didn't mind.</p><p>“I have a bum hip, sneaking isn't in my repertoire right now. And we don't have to sneak. By the time you see us, it's already too late.” I groan as I sit down beside her, taking my shoes off. Rolling up my cords to my knees and dangling my own legs over the ledge. I am hesitant to feel what gravity will do to my injured hip but it seems to take the pressure off of the recovering muscles. “We're <em>werewolves</em>.” I tease as I lean in, giving a playful growl and stick my teeth against her neck. When she doesn't scream or move away, I'm both shocked and touched.</p><p>It may seem trivial but that tells me she trusts me. I stare at her alabaster skin for a moment before leaving a soft kiss on the side of her neck.</p><p>“How was Harry?” She moves back, smiling as we make eye contact and I notice she's now wearing makeup. Or at the very least, mascara.Something she has yet to do in my presence. She doesn’t need it at all. She’s beautiful just the way she is but I can’t help but admit that it only makes her even more stunning. Almost to the point of being unbearable. It makes her eyes an even more brilliant blue. Her eyes flick from my eyes to my lips. She herself can't seem to resist giving me a soft peck on the lips before turning and grabbing a bottle from the basket and pouring two chalices of what my keen senses sniff out to be elderflower wine.</p><p>“Harry is a tough boy. He’ll be in the hospital wing for the rest of the weekend out of Poppy's sheer abundance for caution and he whinged a bit about his broom but he'll be okay.” I leave out the part about the dementors for now, uncertain that Harry would want me to divulge such information. I take the chalice she hands me and hold hers while she digs around in the basket for something else. “Whatchu lookin’ for?” I ask, giggling when she falls over and resorts to lying on her stomach, rummaging through her treasure basket.</p><p>“I brought somethin’ fun for us if I can find it.” She grunts as she pulls out some sort of silky black material that was longer than she was. “Nicked it from a fifth year during the match today. Oh! Here we go!” She sits up, turning over with a rolled cigarette in her hand. One with a familiar smell.</p><p>“That's not a cigarette.” I say coyly, taking a sip from the wine before handing her chalice back to her.</p><p>“Right you are. It's a spliff. I think it's muggle plant though. Not one of ours but it'll still be good.” She pats her pockets over and over again before looking back at the basket. “I think my Zippo is in the basket. Balls.”</p><p>I chuckle into my wine before I take another, bigger drink. She goes back to digging in the basket while I stare out over the school grounds. It's still raining but there's enough sun to where there's a blue purple sunset happening before nightfall. Everything goes dark for me suddenly after she resorts to throwing that silk material from earlier over my head to make room for finding her lighter.</p><p>“Is this the date, then? Sit in the rain getting drunk and high?” I know my voice is muffled before I pull the silk off my head to look back at her and I laugh even harder when only her arse and legs are sticking out of the basket.</p><p>“No..” Her voice is muffled and sounds far away. She must have an extending charm on the basket. “No, that's the ice breaker. If I could find my lighter that is…” She leans further in and I have to put my drink down to grab onto her ankle. When I catch her I look down to see she’s abandoned the spliff on the ground.</p><p>“But if that's too risky for you, Mr. Professor..” Struggle is evident in her voice as she groans, still sounding as if she's in a cave.</p><p>I shake my head and smile as I pick the spliff up with my free hand and throw it to land between my lips. I gently pull on her ankle and she lightly kicks. So I take it upon myself to pull my stubborn arse of a partner up by her calf.</p><p>“What’re you--- <em>bloody hell Lupin!</em> I almost had my lighter! But if you're so dead set on being a goody--”</p><p>Callisto is finally upright and turns to find me smirking at her with the spliff between my lips. I raise an eyebrow, bring my hand in front of the cigarette and snap my fingers, and in an instant it ignites. I take two puffs, feeling the smoky herb fill my lungs before I pull it away.</p><p>“You were saying?” I tease before I blow out two smoke rings and hand the spliff to her. Callisto stares at me incredulously. I lean back on my elbows, staring up at the rainy purple sky. I take a deep breath in and wait for the spliff to hit my system. When I look back at Callisto, she is still balking at me. “What? You thought this would be my first time? No, darling. I was the fifth year you would have nicked this off of back in the day. And..” I pick up my wine and take a hearty gulp, starting to feel warm and fuzzy inside. “Only amateurs need a lighter, darling.”</p><p>“Amazing. You could almost pass for a cool kid. Erm, well… adult.” She takes a drag and slowly blows it out. She smiles and points the joint towards me. “I suppose I just let the always reading, lesson planning, perpetually nervous professor exterior sway me away from the possibility of not having to coerce you to partake in this.”</p><p>I take it from her and inhale the harsh, earthy smoke. I wait until it burns my lungs and pricks my nose. I exhale, watching as it slowly flows from my nostril like I'm one of Hagrid’s dragons.</p><p>“Yeah, you and everyone else.” I chuckle through the perpetual truth. Everyone always assumes the same. “But, now you know. Mischief runs through my veins but also…” I say looking at her, reaching over and intertwining our fingers. “Intrigue. If this was the ice breaker, what are we doing that requires breaking said ice?”</p><p>“Well, Remus Lupin, you're looking at it.” She gestures out to the evening sky, now a lighter shade of purple and blue. I watch as a little lightning dances across the countryside. We're both kicking our legs that are well beyond damp now but neither of us seem to mind. I certainly don't. Not the first time I've been rained on. Hardly’ll be the last. I scowl in confusion, my mind deliciously hazy. “You told me, the night all of this started, that you don't really remember sunrises. So, seeing how we're nowhere near a full moon and it's my absolute favorite weather; you and I are going to spend the night together.”</p><p>“Scandalous.” I joke, instantly readying myself for the inevitable slap in the stomach. And it came, swiftly. I tensed my muscles, deadening the blow and chuckling as she did it.</p><p>“Offense. I'll have you know that this is going to be completely innocent.” I raise an eyebrow and take the spliff from her lip and take one last drag before tossing it over the railing, it being completely finished. “Okay, well, <em>almost</em> completely innocent. We're just going to lay here all night. Answering questions. Enjoying the sunset. The moon.”</p><p>I scoff at the thought of enjoying a moon.</p><p>“You might be shocked to know that I’m not fond of the moon, Cal.”</p><p>“Yeah, well I'm hoping I can show you the beauty in it. Even if you don't think you'll see it. Maybe you'll learn to love it. Like I do. You’re allowed to hate one phase of the moon, but there’s no sense in hating all of them. It’s not the moon’s fault.” The way she says it, it almost makes sense. Still, I have a blind rage towards the thing. No matter how unreasonable that is. “Besides, you can't get to a beautiful sunrise without going through a little moonlight. So, that's what we're gonna do. We're gonna learn about each other by answering whatever the other wants to know. Until the sunrises. And then we'll get breakfast.” She finishes her thought and I stare off into the stormy sky, pondering it all.</p><p>“It's going to get awfully cold.” I finally say, using that as an excuse to get away from my self titled enemy. The less I have to look at the moon, the better.</p><p>“Ah, I’ve thought of that.That's what I have <em>you</em> for. You said it yourself, one of the benefits of lycanthropy. Your wolfy heat.” I grimace at the description but can’t help but chuckle at it too. She had a way of letting someone know it was okay. No matter how not okay you felt about it all. “And, these blankets. Trust me. I'm fully prepared. We'll be good.” Callisto sounds so excited about this date that she’s planned that it makes me grin. She went to all this trouble to do all of this for us. For me. I couldn’t possibly say no. No matter how much I want to whinge about this. I won’t.</p><p>“Well, what are you waiting for, then?” I say, the herb having invaded all of my senses, lowering my inhibitions. I could barely resist her sober, definitely can’t when I’m less than. “Grab some food, that blanket, and get over here.”</p><p>Callie giggles to herself as she stands up, grabbing another blanket out of that extended basket of hers. She’s almost dancing as she wraps it around her and pushes the plate of fruit and various sandwiches and desserts over to me. I grin and open my arms, letting her fall into them as she snuggles into me. She gives a happy sigh after she takes a deep breath in, her head buried in my chest. “<em>Mmm. Parchment.</em>.” She purrs before she leans up and looks at me. “<em>And pain draught?</em>” She asks and I nod.</p><p>“Precisely. Poppy seems to fuss over me when she sees me. She took one look at this hip and wouldn’t hear anything less than my taking it.” I look down at my leg and swing it. “It is working though. Well, that and the mixture of sins you have us partaking in.” I sweetly kiss the top of her still damp hair, taking a deep breath of my own. The mixture of the wine, the plant, and the sweetness of her wrapping her arms around me swirling around with the rain and her scent is enough to put me at ease. The stress of the last few days and the conversation I had just had with Harry melts away. Dementors, catching up on all the work I’ve missed being gone, my condition, Voldemort, <em>Sirius</em>…. It’s all washing away with this rain and her touch.</p><p>“So, I know you’re chomping at the bit to start. What is it you’d like to know, darling?” I mumble into her hair as I hold her tightly. She kisses the exposed skin of my collarbone slowly and it’s the sweetest thing.</p><p>“What does the J stand for?” Her question tickles my skin and I grin as I pick up a berry and take a bite of it. I’m always famished but with everything we’ve taken in, I’m starving.</p><p>“Heh. What?” I chuckle, reaching for a ham sandwich, taking a bite.</p><p>“The J. In <em>Professor RJ Lupin.</em>” She gives me her best Dumbledore impression and I snicker, covering my mouth to be polite since it’s still full of ham. I swallow and cough.</p><p>“John.” I answer her before practically inhaling another sandwich which makes her laugh.</p><p>“<em>Remus John Lupin.</em>” She repeats back, somehow making my name sound like the most sensual phrase in the world. “That's… Well. That's beautiful actually.” I have to agree with her because the moment she said it the way she had, need exploded all over my body. The simple need of.. Her. “Ironic. But beautiful.”</p><p>That last part stopped the previous sinful thoughts in their tracks and I stare down at her in curiosity.</p><p>“Ironic? How so?” I ask, taking the time to wash down all that food with my wine. I wipe my mouth and watch as the last sliver of purple sunset slips into the water. The clouds start to dissipate; the rain slowing to a calming lull.</p><p>“Honey, your name literally translates to Werewolf Wolf. Well, Werewolf <em>John</em> Wolf. But still.” Her ice cold hand rests on my chest that she’s managed to expose. I was so enthralled by everything around us that I hadn’t noticed her undo a few buttons. She looks up at me and I’m not sure if its the rain, the wine or the spliff, or perhaps the way the moonlight has come out to dance in her eyes but something pulls from the core of who I am.</p><p>“You really don't know? Okay, well, Remus is kind of famous from these Roman twins. Remus and Romulus. They were raised by wolves for a while. And well, Lupin is derived from lupinus which translates to “of the wolf” quite literally. It's also a constellation. Which is… Well… Right there.” She says, looking up into the sky and pointing. “Above that cloud. See the wolf?”</p><p>She takes my hand in hers and intertwines them before tracing the wolf out with our fingers. When she does so, those stars seem to shine a little brighter than the rest. I stare at the wolf for a moment before bringing our hands down to rest between us, unfolding mine from hers. I play with the wine in my chalice, feeling a little less enthralled than a moment before.</p><p>“That’s what you wanted to know? My middle name?” I sigh, picking up a strawberry and picking the leaf off, tossing it over the edge.</p><p>“I wanted to ease into the other questions. I don’t want to bombard you with them.” She says softly, turning and gently grabbing my chin in her fingers, making me look at her. “What’s going on in there? What are you lost in?” She asks.</p><p>I rub my face and try to find a smile to offer her but it’s not there like it just was moments before. I sigh.</p><p>“Darling, we’ve established my… <em>condition</em>… and the first thing you want to ask is my middle name? You don’t have to ease into anything. I certainly didn’t ease you into … <em>this</em>. You shouldn’t even be forced to have to do this at all..”</p><p>I shiver and she pulls the blanket tighter. Slowly, that warm fuzzy feeling is fading and I’m starting to wonder if there are dementors lurking around the corner. Feeding on me.</p><p>“It’s your turn.” She says simply, oblivious to what’s unraveling right next to her as she takes a bite of an eclair.</p><p>“Why are you with me? Why do you want to subject yourself to this? To <em>me</em>?” The question bursts from me just as Harry’s questions about himself had earlier. I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to. Callie chokes on her dessert before throwing it down on the plate and staring at me with this look of disbelief I have never seen from her before. And I’ve seen the moment she realized what I truly was. This is worse.</p><p>“First of all, you get one question. Not three.” She retorts before wiping her pants off from the eclair she coughed onto herself. “Secondly, you’ve got to be <em>bloody</em> kidding me, Remus Lupin!”</p><p>She used both my names. We haven’t been doing this long but I know well enough to know that that’s not good.</p><p>“Why am I with-- <em>Why am I with you?!”</em> She tosses the blanket from our shoulders and stands up, swaying slightly. I reach up to steady her and she quickly turns away, falling over herself. She’s headed towards the opening in the rails and in an instant, I’m up and grabbing her from falling over the edge. I pull her to me and we both fall to the ground. She’s on top of me and even though every part of me hurts from what just happened so quickly after a cycle, I’m focused solely on her.</p><p>Callisto stares into my eyes for a moment and even though the storm is rolling away from us out here, there’s one hell of a storm brewing in her eyes. She stares down at where our bodies are intertwined, legs tangled in each other. My arms around her, holding her to me as if her life depends on it. And seconds ago, it did.</p><p>Seconds ago, I watched as the woman I was pushing away from me with my own self hatred flirted with falling over the edge of the tower, to her almost certain death.</p><p>Seconds ago, I watched as the pure happiness left her eyes, her face, her entire being at my questions. I watched that pure happiness succumb to a deep anger.</p><p>Seconds ago, I ruined everything.</p><p>“This may come as a surprise to you, Remus, but you don’t have to try to be someone I want. You don’t have to dance around the fact that you’re older than I am. You don’t have to shy around the fact that you don’t have all the galleons in the world. You don’t have to act like you’re not hurting when you’ve gone through hell and back, in more ways than anyone can count. Physical, mental, emotional.” Her words are shaky as she stares down at me, tears welling.</p><p>“And you <em>DON’T</em> have to keep bringing up the fact that you’re a werewolf, either. I’ve been doing it to let you know that despite the fact that you think you’re evil and loathsome and a monster, I couldn’t give a shit less that you shoot up to 8 feet and grow hair and claws and fangs every full moon. For Godric’s sake, Remus, stop calling it your <em>condition</em> like it’s a foul word. You’re a <em>bloody</em> werewolf. It’s nothing you can control and it’s not your fault. You turn into a wolf sometimes, so what? There are darker and more evil forces out there to worry about than a <em>good</em> man who is sick. You didn’t ask for this. It was something you were given and you know what? You can either choose to make the best of it or you can choose to let it get the best of <em>you</em>.”</p><p>My face starts to get wet and I know it’s not from rain because we’re safe under the roof. No, its black tears that are raining down from her ocean eyes, threatening to drown me in her sadness. In her pain. I’ve been so focused on mine for the longest time. For twelve years, and I never thought to stop punishing myself long enough to consider anyone else’s.</p><p>“This is why, Remus, among thousands of other reasons why I chose to be with you. <em>This</em>. You’ve thrown yourself in front of dementors and boggarts. You’ve threatened <em>vile men</em> who don’t care enough to make a proper potion to help you and who definitely don't give a damn about me within an inch of their life. You put your wand to their throat and promise to end them if they say one more wretched thing about me.”</p><p>My face is covered in her tears. Her face is covered as well but neither of us wipe them away. I suppose we just need to sit in the pain.</p><p>“And you throw yourself towards the ledge, grabbing me before I can fall off of it without a second thought. <em>That</em> is just one of the millions of reasons why I chose to be with you. I don’t know what you’ve done before I’ve met you and I wanted to find all of that out tonight. I wanted to learn everything about you. But the one thing I did learn tonight is that you will spend all of your time on this earth saving everyone around you. But you can’t be bothered to save yourself.”</p><p>Callie sniffles and wipes her face before she stands up and looks around at everything around us. The grounds off in the distance, the plate of food, the chalices, the basket. She scoffs as she points to the basket.</p><p>“I bought you new teaching robes while you were resting after the moon this week. I’ve been waiting to give them to you. I had this whole big speech about how I don’t care how old you are or what you can give to me. How I didn’t care how much or how little money you had. How I didn’t give a damn about what anyone thought about us or about you. You might want me to give a damn about all of that bullshit, but I…” She sighs and wipes more black tears off on her shoulder. “I just don’t. So I guess I just gave the speech.”</p><p>“Cal..”</p><p>“<em>Don’t</em>. You asked me <em>why I chose you</em>. I could go on all night about why I chose you. But this is not about me. This is about you. This is about you believing that you are not good enough. You are <em>not</em> some charity case and for as long as I’ve known you, you have never wanted anyone to treat you like you were. So my question to you is this..”</p><p>She looks up from her shoulder and her stare goes right through me.</p><p>“Why do you love to treat yourself like you are? Because I knew you were a werewolf when I walked into your room. I knew you were a werewolf when I kissed you. I knew you were a werewolf when I asked to be in this relationship. I asked. <em>I. Asked.</em>”</p><p>Callisto pokes herself in the chest with her finger and cries.</p><p>“I don’t give a <em>damn</em> that you’re a werewolf, Remus. But <em>you</em>..” She scoffs at me as I just lay there and take it. “You can’t even bring yourself to say anything other than why am I with you? You’re a man that hates himself so much that you can’t even fathom that someone could look past everything you hate about yourself and <em>love</em> it.”</p><p>Callisto sighs and walks away, mascara running down her face and a limp in her step. As she’s heading down the stairs she turns to look at me one last time.</p><p>“The only person who thinks that you’re a monster, that even remotely cares that you’re a werewolf, is <em>you</em>, Remus. And that breaks my heart. You’ve…” She shakes her head and sniffles again. “You’ve broken my heart.”</p><p>I listen to her footsteps retreat until I can no longer hear her. Until I can no longer sense her at all. I listen to the rain fall, hoping it drowns out my sobs so that no one will hear.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey guys! Thank you so much for reading! Just wanted to give y’all a heads up that I’ll be having surgery in a couple days so that being said, depending on my recovery I could be updating frequently or it could be a bit. Either way, I’ll be back! Let me know how you like it so far!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Falling</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> I'm in my bed And you're not here And there's no one to blame But the drink in my wandering hands Forget what I said It's not what I meant And I can't take it back I can't unpack the baggage you left What am I now? What am I now? What if I'm someone I don't want around? I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Falling"- Harry Styles</em>
</p><hr/><p>After limping my way out of the failed attempt at a first date, I found myself at his door. At his stupid, stubborn, self asorbed door. It was just a few steps from mine but my broken heart and my wounded legs had led me blindly to his room instead of mine. It wasn’t even particularly surprising to me. It was muscle memory at this point. At the end of every day, at the end of bad days, stressful days, happy days-- my feet always led me here. To <em>him</em>.</p><p>Only this time, he wasn’t waiting for me on the other side of the door. He wasn't telling me to come in before I even touched the handle. He was perhaps somewhere in the tower, or the grounds maybe, or somewhere I wasn’t even aware existed. But one thing was for certain, he didn’t bother to follow me after that melodramatic monologue I screamed at him.</p><p>He was not waiting for me. Not this time and after how I just acted, maybe never again.</p><p>But I went in anyway.</p><p>I went in and that was the extent of what I had thought out. I had no idea what I was going to do once I was in. Unsure of how long he would be gone, I took to cleaning his room. Not that it really needed it, Remus was very organized and tidy as a whole. It was my doing that left a trail of chaos and disorder wherever I went. Including this particular night. This date. The date that I spent the whole night and the next few weeks after hoping and praying that it wasn’t our last.</p><p>After I cleaned up the room, I made his bed and made a pot of tea for us, hoping he would return sooner rather than later so that we could talk this through. I immediately regretted walking away from him without giving him a chance to speak of his side. There could have been a perfectly good reason why he behaves the way he does. Perhaps something in his past. Lord knows my past affects me. So I waited because I wanted nothing more than to resolve this so we didn’t lose what we had found in each other.</p><p>I paced back and forth for an hour or so waiting for him before laying down in his bed. It was the first time I had ever done that and it hurt my heart that it had to happen without him.</p><p>I was debating on searching for him but decided against it because we could be walking in circles when eventually I knew he’d have to come back to his quarters. So some time between the overthinking and the worrying, I fell asleep.</p><p>When I awoke the next morning, I instantly knew that he was not next to me. There was no comforting warmth, no lingering scent of tea and parchment. Nothing of resemblance that was indescribably my Remus. I woke up to the cold, rolled over and saw that he had never been here at all. The tea I brewed was cold and untouched. The essays laid on the table, still not graded completely.</p><p>I got up, dumped out the ruined tea and grabbed his oversized gray jumper and put it on. I pulled the collar to my nose and took a deep breath in. Breathing him in. Tears welled in my eyes and I resigned to going back to my room and licking my wounds. Maybe he would be waiting there for me.</p><p>I passed by his table and took another look down at the essays that had yet to be graded and sighed. He had taken the entire workload onto himself when he came back from the full moon and wouldnt hear of my helping him.</p><p>“<em>Its my fault we’re behind. I’ll be the one to catch us up, Darling. I can do it.”</em></p><p>Stubborn arse, he was.</p><p>Until yesterday. Yesterday, he asked to be saved. I closed my eyes and could hear his words like he was standing right next me. Even though I could feel his absence in every part of me.</p><p>
  <em>“I could use some help with these parchment rolls, Callie. My tired eyes have gone cross and fuzzy more than I care to count reading all of these.”</em>
</p><p>“I couldn’t possibly miss out on watching the faces you make when you’re reading them. Not a chance.” I whispered echoing my original words back, rubbing the back of my neck before opening my eyes and sniffling as I sat down on the couch and began to grade the remaining rolls.</p><p>After I finished, I left a piece of chocolate next to them for him as a token of my remorse and walked out of his room, closing the door behind me before wandering the halls aimlessly. After a while of looking for him everywhere I went, I took a stroll outside where I was quickly met with a silver, wispy moose bounding towards me, knocking me out of my worried mind. The patronus echoed as it delivered it's message for me.</p><p>
  <em>“Sorry it took so long to get back to you Cal, its been a long few months for Mad Eye and the rest of us. If you can spare a moment from molding young wizarding minds ,we’ll be in Hogsmeade in two weeks for a bit to guard the children. You know the place. Missing you and hoping you’re not Melan-Callie.”</em>
</p><p>Fin’s voice in his patronus put me at ease for a moment. I’ve been spending the last couple of weeks believing he were dead, among other things. The sound of his voice made me feel peaceful but only for a brief time because there was that hint of stress that only I could detect hidden in his words. I pulled my jumper tight to me, realizing that I had stolen it from Remus when I stuck my finger through a hole at the end on the sleeve. I smiled bittersweetly and was satisfied with the thought of seeing a friendly face soon.</p><p>I needed that now more than ever.</p><p>All I have to do is get through these two weeks. And hopefully make up with Remus in that time.</p><p><br/>********Two weeks later*********</p><p>“Firewhiskey? On a school night? Is this the same Callie London that I sent off to Hogwarts a couple months ago? Because you <em>look</em> like her. You <em>sound</em> like her. But something, and I can’t quite put my finger on it, has changed. When I last left you, you were wanting to be responsible.”</p><p>Finian hands me a mug of whiskey and sits down across from me. I take a sip and I can’t help but notice that he also doesn’t look like the same Finian Killick I left in this bar at the end of summer. He has a new streak of gray in his black hair, more scars than I remember and a limp when he walks. The only person I’ve seen more worse for the wear is the person responsible for why I am worse for the wear.</p><p>“I could say the same about you.” I say, motioning to a scar that runs from his neck disappearing down under his sweater. Fin looks down to where I’m pointing and sighs before taking a drink of his own whiskey.</p><p>“Ah, well. Let’s just say I’ve had a run in with Black.” He says simply, looking around the room as if that’s the most normal thing that could possibly come out of his mouth. Nothing out of the ordinary. And perhaps I’ve been out of the Auror game too long. Perhaps that was nothing out of the ordinary now. I wouldn’t know. My ordinary is teaching children about dark creatures, dark spells, and as of lately, avoiding a boyfriend.</p><p>Which wouldn't be so much out of the ordinary if said boyfriend didn't have a wolf half of him that rears its head monthly.</p><p>Or said <em>ex</em>- boyfriend. I really didn’t know anymore. I thought we would have made up weeks ago but we haven't said so much as two words to each other unless it pertains to lesson plans. But that wasn't important right now. What was important is Finian. So I decide to focus on him.</p><p>“You ran into Siri-- <em>erm</em>-- You ran into Black?” I ask, recovering quickly from attempting to be so casual with his first name. I am just so used to Rem talking about him. I swallow hard at the thought of Remus and our talks. Wondering what he was doing right now. But there is no time for that distraction.“Uh, When? Where? What happened?” I’m talking a mile a minute and I know that my worry is evident in my voice, in my trembling hands, in the sloshing liquor that those trembling hands are spilling all over the table.</p><p>“Whoa. One question at a time, Cal.” He says with a chuckle as he takes his wand and cleans up the mess I made. “Well, it was a few weeks back, in Dufftown. He was stealing food from a market when I spotted him. I tried to hit him with an <em>Incarcerous</em> spell but he took my wand from me before I could do it. Hell of a dueler, that Black is. Anyways, he ended up hitting me with an <em>Incendio</em> and then knocked me back, escaping.” He gestures to his neck and sighs. “He barely got me. It’ll heal up in no time. I’m more angry that I couldn’t capture him and keep him from getting into the school.”</p><p>Fin looks up at me and reaches across the table, putting his hand on mine. I'm reminded of how much has changed since we last spoke. Holding his hand used to feel comforting but now I'm feeling uneasy and a little guilty that I was doing something as intimate as holding hands with someone other than Remus.</p><p>It’s strange. How something that used to be so comfortable becomes so foreign so fast.</p><p>“I worried for ages that maybe he got to you and that all of this..” He looks around and takes a deep breath in before slowly letting it out. “Being an Auror, fighting the good fight was all for naught.” He swallows deeply before shaking his head and giving a slight disbelieving laugh. “When your patronus found me, I’ve never been more relieved in my life. Though.. I didn’t recognize it at first. I was expecting a dog. When did your patronus become a wolf, Cal?” He asks as he plays with our fingers.</p><p>“Yeah.. about that.” I say, taking my hand out from under his. This was too awkward for me to continue holding his hand. Especially when we were changing the subject to him. Finian looks down at his empty hand and then up to me before nodding slowly.</p><p>“Uh oh, I knew there was something different about you.” He says knowingly. “Not sure how comfortable I’m going to be with this conversation, being the ex, but I have a feeling that something different about you is <em>someone</em>.” He points up at my face. “You’ve got that twinkle in your eye and that unbridled rage that goes along with that someone screwing it up. Am I right?”</p><p>I sigh and look down at my whiskey before downing it in one gulp, making Fin grin from ear to ear.</p><p>“So, who is he? Is he as charming and handsome as your last boyfriend? Because your last boyfriend was rather dashing if I do say so myself.” He teases me with his wit.</p><p>I glare up at him, giving him a look he’s seen probably a thousand times since we’ve known each other and he stops the chuckling he was doing.</p><p>“Wait, it is a <em>he</em>, right? Not that I’m judging if it’s not but I’d be rather offended that you didn’t invite me if that’s the case..” I slap his arm from across the table and his hisses. “Ouch! <em>Incendio!</em>” He says pointedly as he gestures to his neck and arm. “Remember? Sheesh! I was only kidding.”</p><p>I bite my lip and wave a hand over his shoulder. He looks down at it and turns it over and over. “How did you---” He looks up at me and scowls.</p><p>“<em>Remus</em>.” I say, waving my hand mindlessly. “He does wandless magic and I don’t know if he just assumes I knew how to do it or if he’s figured it out, but he influenced me to try. And what do you know? I can perform wandless magic.” I feel the whiskey take ahold of my senses, making me warm and fuzzy around the edges. A little less nervous. Not too relaxed because it's still awkward as hell but a little more liquid courage.</p><p>Maybe I should've just had some whiskey this week and gone to Remus after work and fixed this. Use liquid courage with him before it's too late. And two weeks have come and gone so maybe it is too late.</p><p>“And nonverbal.” Fin says softly, taking his shoulder in his hand and rotating it in a circle.</p><p>“What?” I ask, lost in thought about Remus yet again without even trying. Nonverbal would be the perfect way to describe what our relationship is at the present time. I’m starting to forget what being with him feels like. What happiness feels like. What he sounds like when he's happy. His laugh. The way he relaxes once I'm in his arms.</p><p>That's <em>all</em> becoming strange to me.</p><p>“That was wandless and nonverbal magic. And damn good magic at that. There’s no more pain.” Fin murmurs, making me stop and concentrate once more. He tilts his head at me and a small grin graces his face. “That’s hurt for a while now and I thought I’d just have to get used to it. But, that’s not what I care about now. What I care about is..” He chuckles. “Who is Remus?”</p><p>I take a deep, trembling breath and feel the weight of everything that has happened between Remus and I fall down on me. Everything that’s happened to Finian, to Moody, to my friends, to… <em>everyone</em>.</p><p>“Remus is Professor RJ Lupin. The one I'm assisting.” I say simply looking up at him and shrugging. “I went and fell for my colleague.” I laugh incredulously. “And there’s so many complicated things about it all that I can’t begin to wrap my mind around it. I thought I had it all under control but I don't think I do. And I feel vulnerable and stupid. For instance..”</p><p>I stop talking and Fin is staring at me, a look I can’t quite describe etched in his weary, scarred face. I put my hands to my lips and shake my head. This is inappropriate.</p><p>“I really shouldn’t be having this conversation with you. Of all people. I’m sorry.” I apologize to Finian who scoffs at me.</p><p>“Sorry? Why are you sorry? You and I, we ended quite a while ago, Cal. I may not have agreed with it then, but now it couldn’t be more glaringly obvious why. We were great when we were getting along. But we were miserable when we weren’t.” I nod in agreement. Nothing he is saying is wrong. We were great at one moment in time. But that time has passed.</p><p>“You and I, we are too alike to last. We were constantly at odds and we couldn't get past that but from what I can see in your eyes, this Lupin is different. So, tell me about him.”</p><p>“Well, there’s a lot of things I just can’t tell you. Not right now, maybe not ever. I need you to understand that and promise you won't probe.” Fin holds up his hands and shakes his head.</p><p>“Wouldn’t dream of it. I won’t probe. Auror’s honor.” He says crossing his finger over his heart. He holds up a finger to Madam Rosmerta and motions for more Firewhiskey. He looks at me and I nod so he holds up two fingers. “So, tell me what you can about this man, Cal.”</p><p>“Well, you already know he’s my partner.” I start and Fin nods as firewhiskey finds its way in front of us, our empty mugs being taken away.</p><p>“That much is obvious.” He jokes as he takes a drink. I shoot him a look that tells him that jokes aren't welcomed right now and he sighs. “Okay, sorry. Go on.”</p><p>“Remus is..” I trail off, struggling to find the right words to describe who he is to me. “He is stubborn and a bit of a masochist, I think.” Fin raises an eyebrow and before he can speak, I go on. “He’s a <em>great</em> man, though. Good. He embodies everything we fight for in our world. He embodies light and kindness. He is patient and understanding. Remus is..” I close my eyes and every interaction we’ve ever had flashes before my eyes. “He is brave and- and-- and he’s <em>noble</em>. He’s so smart, Finian. The way that he teaches the children.”</p><p>I'm talking as fast as I can and I become animated. My hands are all over the place, threatening to knock over our drinks. The passion is coming through my words. My ears and body heat up. I can't hide the physical reaction I have by talking about him. It's definitely apparent. I'm sure he sees the same too. But he is giving me his full attention, lingering on every word.</p><p>“There’s this boy in his third year and everyone doubts him. In every possible way. He’s like, well he’s like Conor was in our year. And Snape, <em>Godric</em>, he’s the worst to this boy. Worse than he ever was to me. But, not Remus. Remus won’t stand for it. He--” I take a swig of whiskey and manage a grin. “He brings out the best in that boy and in every student we have. He believes in the underdog which is.. <em>Utterly</em> ironic. Because he doesn’t believe in himself.”</p><p>I let out a frustrated growl and put my hands in my hair, pulling at it.</p><p>“That’s the problem we’re having. We had a fight because he just doesn’t believe that he deserves anything good in this world, including me apparently. He doesn’t believe in himself. He would spend the rest of his life throwing himself in front of anyone who needed saving. He has this savior complex that I have yet to begin to understand and the worst part is I haven’t been able to break through this massive wall he has up to learn anything about him. There’s really no one to blame but myself though.”</p><p>I put my head in my hands and feel my eyes well as I think about the last few weeks. All of the guilt and regret weighs down on me. I'm in my head and everything feels heavy. It almost feels insurmountable. It's consuming. So it needs to come out.</p><p>“I got really drunk and high on our first date and he asked a question. A question that, honestly, if I were him I would probably ask too. But I kind of lost my cool.”</p><p>“You? Callisto London, lose her cool? <em>Unheard</em> <em>of</em>.” I hear Fin tease as he puts his hand on one of my arms propping my head up and caresses it gently.</p><p>“He asked me why I was with him. That's all. That's what he asked and I kind of blew up. I meant to tell him all of these reasons why I chose to be with him but I really just ended up pointing out his savior complex and his lack of belief in himself. His lack of being able to save himself. And ever since then, its been awkward silences in between classes and written ideas for lesson plans.”</p><p>I’m trying to hide the fact that I'm devastated but it's not working. Tears fall one by one and I can hide it for now but I can't hide the sniffling.</p><p>“We haven’t spoken a word to each other since I told him he broke my heart. He’s tried to apologize a million times but I just walk away when he does because I can’t take this back. I can’t unpack the baggage I left. It’s been weeks and I don’t know if I’m avoiding him at this point or if he’s avoiding me.” I finally admit.</p><p>“Do you know why you’re so passionate and weighed down about this?” Finian asks, that knowing tone heavy in his voice. It was the same tone he had whenever he knew how to brew a potion I didn’t, or knew the proper incantation to a spell, or when he caught the dark wizard we were after instead of me. I hated that tone in those moments and I hate it now.</p><p>“Did you ever think of the possibility that you feel so strongly about all of this and that you are avoiding him because the way he treats and feels about himself is the exact same way you feel about yourself?” He squeezes my arm and coaxes me to look up at him. He has that smirk on his face and he gives a slight laugh. “Because it is, Cal. You have the biggest savior complex of us all. That’s why you became an Auror.”</p><p>I shake my head.</p><p>“No.”</p><p>I am adamant as I take a drink of my whiskey and slam it down, flinging the amber liquid onto Fin and myself.</p><p>“<em>He’s chasing ghosts, Fin!</em>” I blurt out and Fin’s eyes widen and immediately I request saying that. I put my head back in my head. “Don’t ask, Finian. Just don’t. I can’t tell you why or who. So don’t.”</p><p>“I wasn’t going to, Callisto.” I feel tears that have been slowly falling for the entirety of this conversation break the dam and start to flood everything, hot and overwhelming. “Besides, I don’t have to. We’re all chasing ghosts. In some way. I have no doubt that we may even share some of the same ghosts. You’re chasing ghosts too, Callisto. <em>Your parents</em>…”</p><p>I look up sharply and one look into my eyes and he surrenders.</p><p>“Okay, I’m sorry.” He sighs and grabs my hand. “Look, I have no problem being your punching bag. I’m sure he has no problem being your punching bag, either. But you have to give him a chance.”</p><p>“How do you know that? You can’t say that. If he wanted to be my ‘punching bag’ he would be here. He would have spoken to me. He would have come back that night, but he didn’t. He hasn’t. He isn’t.” I am spitting the words through gritted teeth to keep my voice down to keep from making a scene.</p><p>“Cal, I remember when you were all mine. But, you’ve changed in front of my eyes.” He pauses and smiles bittersweetly. “<em>Erm</em>- away from them.” He corrects himself.</p><p>“I haven’t been here for this part of your life, but <em>he</em> has. Now, I’m not the fire behind your eyes. I’m not what keeps your ice cold hands warm at night. I’m not the hand that you hold anymore. So I don’t know if I have the right to say any of these things anymore but I’ve just sat here for the last half an hour listen to you go on about--”</p><p>“I’m well aware I’ve gone on too much about..” I started to hiss when he cuts me off.</p><p>“Will you ever let me finish a thought, woman?” He cracks a smile as I offer a feeble apology. “Now, as I was saying I’ve sat here for the last half hour listening to you talk about a man that you are clearly in love with.”</p><p>“Fin, <em>what</em>? I’m not..”</p><p>“I wasn’t finished.” He scolded me and I put my head in my hands again. “You might not have come to the same conclusion yet. You might not have fathomed it yet. But, I watched the girl I fell in love with when we were kids walk into this tavern a changed woman. And I couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t figure it out because you were all Melan-Callie but when you started talking about him, I knew. A light came back into your eyes that I haven’t seen in years. That passion was back. That misconstrued anger. You’re in love with him. And you don't have to admit it. But, from the look on your face, I see it’s true.”</p><p>“<em>Fin</em>..” I whisper and he laughs.</p><p>“I’m not upset. I’m glad you found him. I’m sorry that I brought up your parents and the savior complex. And you say that there's all these things you don't know about him because of his walls, but does he know anything about you? Has he gotten past your walls?”</p><p>I shake my head, understanding finally what the actual obstacles are that are standing in our way. I'm just as much guarded as he is.</p><p>“I thought so. And I'm sorry to be the one to make you realize. But someone had to have the same conversation you had with him. It’s only fair. And he’s not going to be the one to do it.” Fin reminded me.</p><p>I’m staring down at my tears gathering in a puddle on the table we are sitting at. I sniffle and wipe my nose with the sleeve of the jumper of Remus’ that I stole what feels like forever ago.</p><p>“You don’t know that. He probably hates me.” I cry, a snot bubble coming out of my nose before it pops. I’m glad my head is down because I don’t want the entire tavern to see the fool I’m making of myself. Fin takes one of my hands and intertwines it with his.</p><p>“What if I can promise you that he absolutely does not hate you?” He asks and I scoff.</p><p>“Exactly how do you expect to deliver on that promise, huh? I’ve arsed the whole thing. I’ve been a downright git.” I sigh and Fin laughs.</p><p>“Well, that’s for sure. But, I’m certain he’s just as mad for you as you are for him.” Fin says confidently.</p><p>“What makes you say that?” I ask, wiping my nose on the jumper again.</p><p>“You said it yourself, he’s patient and understanding. He is good and brave. It takes a brave man to face you, I’ll tell you that. You said he is stubborn and a bit of a masochist..” I nod at his words, giving a bittersweet smile as I think about all of those endearingly annoying characteristics of him. “You seem to have a type, Cal. Stubborn, masochistic men. Tall and charismatic. Bit of a jealous streak. A bit older. And you definitely have a thing for scars.”</p><p>My head shoots up and I stare at Fin who is smiling from ear to ear again.</p><p>“I--” I squint as he looks down at our hands and slowly lets go of my hand. “I didn’t say anything about his age, a jealous streak, or scars..” I say slowly and that when Fin leans back and takes a drink out of his mug, chuckling.</p><p>“No, no. That all speaks for itself.” He says nonchalantly before motioning behind me.</p><p>I turn and standing there in the doorway of the tavern is a snow covered Remus Lupin. His hair is matted down, soaking wet from the snow melting from his warmth. He is breathing heavily and the dark circles under his eyes almost overpower the intense emerald stare of his. He’s dressed in jeans and a cable knit sweater. All of his clothes are darned aside from the glistening new black robes he is wearing.</p><p>The robes I bought him. Covered in snow, almost acting as the white flag for surrender.</p><p>“<em>For the record, I think you were wrong about him believing in himself.</em>” Finian whispers in my ear before standing. “Also, I don't think I have to worry about Black anymore, my dear. Lupin looks as if he has several curses he wishes to unleash unto me. And you already told me that he can use nonverbal, wandless magic. So, I’m going to go find Moody and uh…”</p><p>Fin picks up his mug and puts his hand on my shoulder. “I’d give you a kiss on the cheek, but I’m not ready to die yet. So, <em>erm</em>--” He looks around and nods. “Yeah, go get your man, London.” He pushes me as he walks away.</p><p>I stand and before I can move, Remus has bounded across the tavern towards me. His stare travels from my eyes, to my lips, to my body and back again. I can’t help it, I’m doing the same to him. I hadn’t noticed the darkening circles under his eyes at all this week and I’m silently cursing myself when I realize that this is the week of the cycle. Sunday night he is going to turn into that wolf he loathes again and there’s nothing either of us can do to stop it, but I’ve certainly not helped anything with my childish antics.</p><p>He is sweating bullets, favoring that bad hip of his, and it seems like every breath he takes is fueling the animal waiting deep down inside. He is agitated, hurting and restless. He can't seem to stand still but there is one part of him that has laser focus.</p><p>His eyes on mine.</p><p>“You shouldn’t be here. You should be resting.” I look around to make sure no one is looking but everyone is looking. And why wouldn’t they? A professor just ran across the room to someone who probably appears to be his student. So I lower my voice and lean closer to him, snow or perhaps sweat falling onto me as I do. “Remus, It’s the week of the..”</p><p>“I miss you, Callisto.” Remus blurts out, reaching up and cupping my face in his hand, wet from the snow but still warm. Something that only Remus could be.</p><p>Warm and comforting even after coming in from the freezing cold.</p><p>“I miss you so much that it hurts worse than anything I’ve ever been through.” He is not speaking in hushed tones like I expected that he would. His words are loud and clear. Bold and confident. He left no doubt.</p><p>“Remus, people are starting to stare.” I whisper, looking around as every table is turning to watch us. I see Moody and Fin sitting in the corner, both with a knowing smile on their face. Finian doesn’t shock me one bit, but Moody. His constant vigilance and all. I didn’t pick him to be one for love.</p><p>“I don’t give a damn. I’ve been replaying everything that happened on the astronomy tower. Everything about that date. You set up a perfect date. Absolutely perfect and I botched the whole thing. I made proper prat of myself. A tosser really and if you never want to see me again then I’ll leave and you can go back to being an Auror or..” He rubbed the back of his head as he closed his eyes and took a shaky breath in. “I can explain the whole thing to Dumbledore and he can relieve you of your duty.. It’s.. it’s on me.”</p><p>I grab his trembling hands and intertwine mine with his.</p><p>“You’ve been a complete arse, Remus Lupin.”</p><p>“I know and you were right. I’m always trying to save everyone but my..” I put my finger to his burning hot lips and stopped him mid word.</p><p>“I’m not finished.” I say and he sighs, nodding at me as if he’s accepting his fate. “You’ve been a complete arse and yes, you are a bit of a tosser. But I knew that going into this. You’ve been a git from the moment I met you. An admitted git at that. And I know I’m right. I’m always right. I’ve told you that.”</p><p>Remus looks down at our feet, where a puddle from the snow he’s brought in with him is forming.</p><p>“Okay, point taken. I’m just saying I need to maybe think about what you've said. Maybe I need to stop trying to save everyone else so much and focus on myself at times. Or at least find a balance.” He says softly, looking up to stare into my eyes.</p><p>Any other person and I would feel uncomfortable. Exposed. But when Remus looks at me, I feel seen. I feel safe. He could look at me like this forever and I don't think I'd ever get enough of it.</p><p>“But I would be lying if I were to say that there wasn’t part of me hoping that you would need a savior these last few weeks.” He admits, shrugging as he squeezes my hands with his.</p><p>“But you haven’t. The first time you spoke in class you were nervous and unsure. I watched you lately and you’re leading classes more so than I am. The kids are asking you for answers. And you have them. And amazingly, Snape has not only avoided you at all costs but he did bring me my potion this week.”</p><p>I raised my eyebrow at him and he nodded.</p><p>“He even called you Miss London. Now, if you don't end up tossing me out of this tavern onto my arse, I would kindly ask that you make sure that it's safe to take this time.” He gives a little smile and I can't help but laugh at the little joke he gave to ease the tension.</p><p>“But, that’s not the point of it all. The point of it all is this, I’ve realized that you don’t need me to be a savior.” His smile grows and I shrug.</p><p>“Well….” I tease and Remus gives a small laugh.</p><p>“Sometimes, yes because you’re the least graceful thing I’ve come across in my whole life.” He says sweetly and I can’t help but smile back at him.</p><p>“The truth is that I need <em>you</em>, Callisto. I’m the one that needs saving. And maybe, I need to start saving myself..” He whispers as he leans down and puts our foreheads together. “But, I do need to tell you this. I also do not give a damn that I’m…” He looks around at everyone still staring at us and then back at me.</p><p>“I don’t give a damn about any of it. Or my age. Or my money. Or… <em>that</em>.” He says simply since there are eavesdroppers around. At least when it comes to us. Except for extenuating circumstances. Circumstances we will talk about later, if you’ll have me?” Remus asks.</p><p>“Do you care that this entire tavern is staring at us making up right now or the fact that this relationship will definitely no longer be a secret?” I ask.</p><p>Remus takes my face in his hands and shakes his head. He looks deep into my eyes and I can tell that he is hurting and that the moon is invading every part of him. I can see why he hates the moon, because I hate what I can see it putting him through.</p><p>“The <em>only</em> thing I give a <em>damn</em> about, Callisto..” He whispers as he leans down, making us nose to nose. “is <em>you</em>.”</p><p>Without another sound, he pulls me into the deepest, most hunger fueled kiss I’ve ever experienced in my life. Warmth and cinnamon overwhelms me. He runs his fingers through my hair and very lightly bites my bottom lip and its as if lightning has stuck me. There’s a pull as we're magnets. As if everything that we’ve both been through has led us here. This spot and this moment. I feel just how much he’s missed me, just how much he needs me.</p><p>We part as there’s clapping and whistling. I grin as I wipe some remnants of our kiss off his lips. He grins back and I sigh as he pulls me into his chest. “You smell like monkshood.” I mumble into his skin and he laughs.</p><p>“That’s a good thing. You smell like Firewhiskey. A change up from your normal summer and risks. Though, you don’t smell so risky anymore…”</p><p>“I've missed you, too, Rem.” I finally admit as I pull him towards the door. “But, let’s get out of here and we’ll talk about the rest of this in private. You need to take some more of that potion. I think it’s fine because you smell exactly like you should. But it wouldn't hurt to have a second opinion.” I tease.</p><p>“And we can answer questions about each other? A second chance at that first date? I wont be a git this time.” He tries his best to convince me but I know better. I can see how eager he is to get us back on track and so am I.</p><p>“Yes you will be a git. But, I wouldn’t want you any other way. Come on, Rem. Let’s go home. I’ll answer everything your heart desires.” I say with a smirk.</p><p>“<em>Home</em>…” Remus whispers softly as we both limp out of the door and into the snowy night.</p><p>“Home.” I affirm before slipping my hand in his and pulling him against me as we gingerly walk towards Hogwarts.</p><p>Remus is very hot to the touch, just like the last moon cycle and he was favoring that hip of his more than he had been in a week or so. He looks over at me and the moonlight accentuates the dark circles under his eyes and they are bloodshot.</p><p>He stares down at my feet as I limp along with him. An eyebrow cocks and he takes a deep yet apprehensive breath in. I know what he's thinking. I feel him tense.</p><p>“It’s not your fault.” I say, hoping it alleviates his fear that he’s hurt me. I know that’s what he’s thinking. It’s written all over his face. “When I got up from our fight I wrenched my ankle. That’s why I stumbled towards the edge of the tower. You did <em>nothing</em> wrong.”</p><p>Remus’ mouth twitches and I can tell he’s still fighting an internal battle but he gives a slight nod and then looks up at the moon, groaning.</p><p>“We need to get you home.” I say, squeezing his hand and leaning against his shoulder as we walked. “You shouldn’t have came all this way. I know you’re in a lot of pain and it’s so close to the full moon. You need to be resting while you can to make the transformation better this time.” I slightly scold.</p><p>“I had no choice. I couldn’t stand the way we left things. I couldn’t stand not speaking to you. I couldn’t stand not having you in my arms. So forget what I said, it’s not what I meant. And there’s no one to blame but myself, Callie.” He looks down from the moon and directly into my eyes as he stops and takes my face in his hands.</p><p>“I don’t give a <em>damn</em> that I’m a werewolf anymore. Not with you. I don’t give a damn about the moon coming up. I don’t give a damn about anything except for you. I meant what I said back there. I know I need rest and to be safe and all of that but I can’t do anything…”</p><p>Remus caresses my face with his warm, calloused and scarred hands. I stare into his stunning emerald eyes and bring my own hand up to trace his silvery scars on his face. He’d be beautiful without them but personally I think it brings a gorgeous risk element to him. He’s so beautiful. And he doesn’t even know it. And being held by him right now with this undeniable look in his eyes makes me feel like everything that’s ever happened in my life has led me to this moment. To <em>him.</em></p><p>“I can’t <em>be</em> anything without you. It’s you I need, Callisto. More than anything. I <em>need YOU</em>, darling. I just hope you’ll find it in your heart to still have me.”</p><p>There are two constants surrounding us right now in this moment as the snow falls around Remus and I in the middle of Hogsmeade.</p><p>The first constant was that Remus and I would always have the odds against us. No matter what we did or where we went. There would always be obstacles and risks standing in our way. Nothing was going to be given to us. We would have to work for everything we get.</p><p>And the second constant was that Finian was right. I am absolutely, unequivocally in love with Remus Lupin. It just took this moment to realize it.</p><p>I smile to myself before pulling him down for a kiss. Content to keep those truths a secret for just a little while longer.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Three Words Away</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>You hear him howling around your kitchen door</em>
  <br/>
  <em>You better not let him in</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Little old lady got mutilated late last night</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Werewolves of London again</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Ah-hooo, werewolves of London</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Ah-hooo</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Ah-hooo, werewolves of London</em>
</p><p>“<em>Awoooo</em>!” I howl out with a laugh before I've even opened my eyes out of my transformation. First time I've came back from one happy.</p><p>“Ah. He stirs, human once more!” I hear her muffled voice behind my bedroom door. “Do you like my choice of music?” Muffled Callie asks as I slowly lift my hand and murmur away the protection spells I had on my door.</p><p>My girlfriend, the joker.</p><p>Also as stubborn as they come, refusing to leave my quarters last night during the full moon. She was damn insistent on being here in case anything went wrong. Which is precisely why I wanted her away from here. But we had just made up a couple days ago and I made her promise to leave if the Wolfsbane didn't work. So, I lost that argument.</p><p>But as I was waving my hands to remove the spells and as I was singing along to the song without a sore throat, I realized the potion did work. Severus must've had a change of heart.</p><p>Or someone changed it for him.</p><p>“<em>Werewolves of London</em> came out the year we finished school. Trust me, you're not the first to find it humorous.” I groan as I roll over in bed towards the opening door. “Also, we're not in London right now. But that's fine.” I put my head in my hands and rub my sore temples as she comes in.</p><p>“Good morn-- <em>oh</em>.” She stops dead in her tracks and raises her eyebrows before smiling. “You're <em>naked</em>. Okay, well, mystery out of the way, then. I was going to wait until.. y’know.. the obvious. But there it is. So cross that off the list.” She is still smiling when she tilts her head in curiosity. “Is it--<em>erm</em>-- does the transformation cause the swelling?” She points down below my waist and I look down.</p><p>“Uh..” I stammer, not really knowing what to say besides the truth. “Nope.” I say popping the ‘p’. “That's..”</p><p>“Oh. That's… That's just how that one is made. <em>Wow</em>. Good job.” She finishes my thought.</p><p>I chuckled, turning red instantly as I found my blanket curled at the foot of the bed and covered myself. “Did you just praise me on my manhood?”</p><p>“Not at all. I praised myself for my selection.” She sets a cup of tea on the floor as she crouches in front of me. “I chose well.” She mews, leaning in to give me a kiss which I happily accept.</p><p>“I'll take it.” I’m grinning, tasting white citrus tea on her lips before I roll my head from side to side. “I think it was a good night last night. How was I?” Apprehension seeps into my voice but it's safe to do so with Callisto. She understands.</p><p>Very weirdly she always seems to understand. Even that which she shouldn't.</p><p>With her, I've always been safe.</p><p>“Well, let's see, shall we?” Callisto turns my head very gently from side to side herself before she lifts my arms as gently as she can. Icicle fingers move my hair off my forehead and sift through the back of my head slowly. Those same frigid hands roam my body with a feather's touch.</p><p>Callie couldn't hurt me if she tried. And even if she had hurt me, I wouldn't dare call out. Someone sent me an angel when she came into my life and I mustn't do anything further to encourage her to walk away.</p><p>I've yet to decide if it were Dumbledore that knew I needed her or perhaps Evans.</p><p>Wherever she is.</p><p>I can't help but smile knowing that if that were the case, somewhere James is taking credit for it as well.</p><p>“There's only a tiny, baby cut on your nose. The tiniest. I could heal it with a kiss.” She smiles as she very gently takes my face in her hands and her warm pillowy lips land a smooch on the button of my nose.</p><p>“There.” She says sweetly, leaning back, a line of blood now on her bottom lip.</p><p>“Not quite the healing kiss.” I say, motioning to her lip before wiping the blood off of it with the pad of my thumb. “But we can keep practicing that one until it works.” I tease, leaning down for two more kisses before looking around for my clothes, still tightly gripping onto the blanket that's keeping me modest. “But really. How was I?” I probe again.</p><p>“The transformation sounded awful but as soon as that was done you sorta just…” She stands up and shrugs at me. “<em>paced</em> I think. Nothing bad at all. You sniffed at the door I was sitting next to and whimpered. Which I thought was weird.”</p><p>I pout my bottom lip out and shake my head.</p><p>“Not weird at all, Cal. The Mon..” Callie instantly shoots a hating scowl at me. She becomes infuriated if I call myself a monster. She won't allow it anymore. “Sorry. <em>Moony</em> knows what you smell like. He probably misses you.” I corrected myself.</p><p>Callie takes my hand and pulls me up and I instantly turn red when the blanket falls unexpectedly to the ground between us.</p><p>“I’m sor--” I can't even finish the word when Callie’s hand is clasped over my mouth. She pulls my naked, sore body against hers and gives me that Callie smirk.</p><p>That smirk practically has its own trademark.</p><p>“My <em>Moony</em> Darling, you <em>never</em> have to apologize to me. And believe me when I say you <em>never</em> have to apologize for <em>that</em>. Now that I have seen it, the mystery and awkwardness is out of the way. I'm not even focused on that right now. I'm focused on <em>you</em>.” She kisses me three more times while I growl in embarrassment. Literally.</p><p>“Now, you were saying. The wolf misses me?” She asks, turning away and finding my clothes that I left in a neat pile on the corner of my chest. She grabs the knickers and holds them out while I find stability by holding onto her shoulders so I can step into them.</p><p>“Oh yes. He knows what you smell like, dear. Remember? I think he might even know I--” I stop talking as she pops the waistband around my hips and smirks again.</p><p>Callisto looks up at me before grabbing my sweats and holding them out to step into.</p><p>“You what?” She probes, and the way she sounds, I think she knows. But it's best to err on the side of caution.</p><p>This is a cautionary tale, after all.</p><p>“Nothing. I was just going to say I think he might even be aware we're together.” I recover quickly from what damn near slipped out. Could've buggered the whole thing up. She stares up at me and I raise my eyebrows and point to the shirt she's holding. “I have no problem going without a shirt in front of you, my Darling, but you're going to have to ask nicely because it's quite cold.”</p><p>Callie stares for a second longer and she sighs, as if she's disappointed.</p><p>Perhaps I <em>did</em> bugger it up.</p><p>I feel a heaviness in my chest when she looks at me like that. A heaviness I haven't felt in years. What feels like forever. That feeling you get when you've let your world down. That feeling you get when you've lost your family. When you've committed that last fatal sin.</p><p>Though as quickly as it came, it left. Callisto was grinning as she put the shirt over my head and waited for me to get my long arms through it. She is handing me a cup of tea as I lower my top and I gladly take it.</p><p>“I would venture to say he <em>does</em> know about us. He sniffed quite a few times. I finally just said I was here and everything was alright. Then the whimpering stopped and I heard you curl up on the bed and you went to sleep. It was a peaceful night when it was all said and done.” She says with ease.</p><p>“<em>Peaceful</em>.” I sighed, taking a sip of my favorite tea in the world. An expensive tea. One I know wasn't in my stash before this morning. The same tea that flavored my darling’s lips.</p><p>“Something the matter?” Callie asks, worry thick in the tone of her voice. I take one more hearty drink of the gifted tea and shake my head as I put my hand on her cheek.</p><p>“Nothing's the matter, darling. And maybe <em>that</em> is what is the matter. Everything is perfect. Last night seemed to be great. This morning is perfect. You're perfect. I'm..” I move around and test my body before grinning. “Well, I <em>bloody</em> hurt but compared to every other moon, I'm good. Which is as perfect as I'll ever be.”</p><p>Callie is grinning from ear to ear and for once, so am I. She steals my tea from me and drinks out of it. I don't have the heart to ask where she got it from or how she knew it was my favorite. All I know is it's awful expensive.</p><p>My stomach rumbles and she looks down before laughing.</p><p>“I have a henhouse worth of eggs in the fridge that I can whip up. Eggs Benny or something? There's some sausage too. Some bacon. I think if I try hard enough, I could rustle up enough to make a full English if you want.” She is gesturing behind her towards the kitchen and it happens.</p><p>“My stars, I love you.”</p><p>It falls from my lips before I could stop it. Her arm slowly lowers from where she is pointing and she slowly turns to look at me.</p><p>I am ice cold. I couldn't move even if I want to. And I want to. But I couldn't speak. There are no words. I start motioning my hands in front of my face as if to wave the words away. Make them vanish. But I couldn't.</p><p>And it's not the worst thing I've ever done. It's not even that it's an untrue statement. I do..</p><p><em>Love her</em>.</p><p>I stare at her in a moment of realization that I <em>do</em> love her. For the first time in my life I do love and feel loved in return. There is not a single moment where I've felt judged by her. Or felt to be less than I am. Even when I feel that I'm worthless, she always does her best to convince me that I'm not.</p><p>She soothes aches and pains. She literally heals me. She consoles me. She makes..</p><p>Well, she makes the worst nights of my life peaceful. She makes me peaceful. She makes the wolf peaceful.</p><p>She..<br/>Is everything.</p><p>“Well, okay. Full English it is then.”</p><p>Her words are simple. Uncomplicated. The complete opposite of what I've just done. I've taken a simple gift in my life and I've complicated it. I let the one thing that I've been promising myself I wouldn't say fly out of my mouth so fast that it had no choice but to smack the both of us in the face.</p><p>“Do you have beans?” She asks, walking away from me towards the kitchen.</p><p>But I don't follow her. I can't follow her. My own words have petrified me where I stood. Callisto is going to need some Mandrakes to revive me. I'm sure of it.</p><p>“Rem?” Callie’s voice is far away and I can hear her sorting through a cupboard, searching for ingredients.</p><p>
  <em>I love you.</em>
</p><p>I went and said the three words that should never be said so candidly. Without preparation. Without care. I said it so casually, she may think it thoughtless.</p><p>But oh how I've thought about them.</p><p>I've thought how I would never be able to feel the emotion, let alone find someone who I was capable of loving. Deserving of loving. Long ago, I had resigned that I would live a pauper's life.</p><p>Alone. Minimal contact with humans. A life of seclusion to hide the exclusion that I was destined to endure.</p><p>Once upon a time I thought about how I could say them to a group of boys who welcomed me with open arms when the rest of the world would have shunned me. I never did say them because it never felt like it was the right moment with the boys. But I felt them.</p><p>And then I felt them for the girl that came with the boys. Evans and all her pointed sarcasm. All her worry and care. All her love.</p><p>And then I felt them for the tiny little guy with his mother's eyes and his father's messy hair.</p><p>I would have done anything for them.</p><p>By the time we were teenagers, I fought for every one of them. Bloodied noses and bruised eyes.<br/>By the time I was a man, I had killed for every one of them.<br/>By the time it was too late, I could no longer die for them.</p><p>But I would have.</p><p>I <em>should</em> have.</p><p>“Remus John..”</p><p>Her hushed voice caused me to look up from the scar I was rubbing on my dominant wrist. My wand wrist. The scar I got the full moon after that Halloween night 1981.</p><p>And when we make eye contact, all those feelings and thoughts that I had for them come flooding back. And I think about what I just blurted out.</p><p>Unexpectedly and irrevocably.</p><p>“Callisto.. I..”</p><p>“<em>Don't</em>. I know what happened just then and I know what you're doing now.” Callie says, leaning in the doorway. “I’m not making a big deal about this and you shouldn't either. You didn't mean to say it. Thats fine. I am letting you off the hook.”</p><p>“What?” I ask, not sure I heard what I did.</p><p>“You're off the hook. I've never had much faith in.. words. Or moments. And this was not the moment and those were not the words you meant to say. It was an exclamation. Towards feeling great after the moon or towards the idea of breakfast waiting for you. But it wasn't for me.”</p><p>“Those..” Callie starts to walk away as I speak and she simply points to the eggs cooking on the kitchenette as I follow her this time, worried she was leaving. She stirs the eggs and then starts cutting mushrooms before motioning with the knife for me to continue.</p><p>“Those words are not for the moon. Or this food. And for what it's worth, I don't want to be off the hook, whatever that means. The last thing I deserve is to even be on the hook in the first place.”</p><p>“Please don't miss my point here.”</p><p>“Callie, don't miss mine. I have spent.. all of my life running from what just happened back there. Running from it, never really believing it, and taking it for granted when I had it.”</p><p>I walk over to her and take her hand off the knife and turn off the eggs. I take her hands in mine and intertwine them.</p><p>“<em>Have</em> it.” I say with a scared smile on my face. I have no idea what's going to happen once I finish what I'm going to say but I do know that being scared to say it doesn't benefit anyone. Nothing comes from being scared.</p><p>“My words are not for the moon or food. They are for you. It's not how I planned to say it. It's not how I wanted to let you know. Honestly, I didn't know until I did say it. And this was never how I pictured it..”</p><p>“So don't say it, Remus. It doesn't mean anything when you're freshly human and standing in front of a woman cooking you a feast. Full of all these hormones. Full of testosterone. Full of..” Callisto’s eyes water as she stares up at me and sighs. “It doesn't mean anything when you're half you half Moony. Save it for when it means something. Save it for when it saves someone.”</p><p>I sigh and nod at her ask. She knows now. And for now, just the simple act of her knowing that I feel this way is enough.</p><p>“Okay, darling. I won't say it. But..” I say looking down at her and smiling. “You need to put me back on the hook because if not, I might get the idea that it's okay to keep running.”</p><p>Callisto sighs and instantly falls into my chest. I cough from the pain and she mumbles an apology into my torso that mingles with the tears soaking into my shirt. She's still talking but I can't understand her with her lips against my body.</p><p>“What was that, Cal?” I ask with a chuckle and she leans back, fat tears resting on her pink cheeks.</p><p>“No one runs.” She whispers as I take my thumbs and wipe the tears away. I lightly stroke her cheeks and nod.</p><p>“No one runs.” I say with a smile before I kiss her.</p><p>“And.” She says suddenly, breaking the kiss, and causing me to laugh as my lips fall against her cheek. “You <em>are</em> perfect, Rem. Perfect for me.” I put my hand on her shoulder and squeeze as I kiss her cheeks. Her neck. Her shoulder.</p><p>“<em>Mmkay</em>..” I mumble against her skin, no longer craving breakfast.</p><p>“One more thing, Remus Lupin.” The tone of her voice makes me pull away and look into her eyes. She sounded very serious and I wanted to give her my full attention.</p><p>She stares into my eyes for a moment, and I swear she's staring right into my soul. If I even have one anymore. Callisto wipes her eyes once more and finally smiles.</p><p>“I’m very much on the hook too. And don't you <em>dare</em> let me off of it.” She says, shaking her head at me before I pick her up and walk towards the bedroom with her.</p><p>“<em>Never</em>.” I whisper before kissing her, stumbling our way back to my bed where I toss her down on it and she giggles.</p><p>“But breakfast!” She squeals as I kick the door shut and rip my shirt over my head, tossing it into the corner of the room. I stand over her, breathing heavily and biting my lip as I look down at her.</p><p>She sits up and runs her hands over all of my scars, slowly. I'd feel self conscious but it's so sensual the way she's doing it that I know she's appreciating them. Not judging them.</p><p>She kisses the bite mark on my side and I take a sharp breath in. The scar that started it all and she's tracing it with her lips. Her tongue. Her touch. “<em>You beautiful man</em>..” She sighs as she pulls me down to her, her hand gripping my hair and I recognize the look in her eyes.</p><p><em>Hunger</em>.</p><p>“<em>C’mere</em>..”</p><p>And it's not for English breakfast.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. I'm Kissing You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Pride can stand</em>
  <br/>
  <em>A thousand trials</em>
  <br/>
  <em>The strong will never fall</em>
  <br/>
  <em>But watching stars without you</em>
  <br/>
  <em>My soul cried</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Heaving heart is full of pain</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Oh, oh, the aching</em>
  <br/>
  <em>'Cause I'm kissing you, oh</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I'm kissing you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m Kissing You”- Des’ree</em>
</p><hr/><p>“We need to stop..” he husked as he hovered over me.</p><p>“We need to stop before something happens that we can't take back and we don't get a second chance on.” His words were whispered into my neck as the kisses planted in multitudes.</p><p>His words said stop but his actions said go.</p><p>“Why do we need to stop?” I moaned in his ear while I wrapped my legs around his hips and squeezed. Showing him just how little I wished to stop.</p><p>“I don't want it to be <em>this</em>..” He said and in that moment, sadness overwhelmed his words. The kisses stopped. The hands that had been roaming my body, they also stopped.</p><p>Everything stopped.</p><p>“I don't want the <em>wolf</em> to have any part of this.” He admitted, propping himself up until he was sitting, my body straddling his own. “I want it to be <em>me</em> and I want it to be <em>you</em> and I don't want the <em>moon</em> or <em>Moony</em> to have any part of that decision. I want to be one hundred percent present. Nothing else. No other part of me. I..”</p><p>I dropped my legs from around his hips and caught my breath. Looking up at the man I knew I loved more than anything. Looking up at the man who accidentally said he loved me not moments ago.</p><p>And I understood.</p><p>“I don't want this to be like every other experience I've had. I don't want this to be what it's always been. I want to experience..” He looks down at me and I can still see the hunger in his eyes but with it, the eternal struggle I know he's facing.</p><p>“You want this to be purely human. Experience the way it's supposed to be. Not when you're still part <em>him</em>.”</p><p>“If that's alright by you. I don't wish you upset you.” He says with a sigh, his hands folded into one another, head hung like a reject.</p><p>“If it's <em>alright by me</em>?! Why wouldn't it be alright by me? Why would I be <em>upset</em>?” I say, unfolding his hands and tangling them with mine before I yank him down to lay on top of me.</p><p>“<em>OOF</em>!” He exhales as he lands against me, bare chest to bare chest. He winces but his eyes flutter open and he moves a piece of hair out of my eye line. “Well, I just thought..”</p><p>“Stop thinking..” I whisper as I take my thumb and move his chin from side to side. “Thinking is not your strong suit. You tend to over do that. I couldn't possibly be upset with someone who wants to wait until the time is right. Who wants to wait until he is completely himself. Who wants to wait until it's just him and just me and nothing else that could possibly make either of us think it were for the wrong reasons.”</p><p>“You're naked… And that's my doing and now I've gone and made nothing of this..” He sounds guilty. And why should he sound guilty? I just witnessed him in all his glory moments before. I didn't feel guilty then. I don't want him to feel guilty now.</p><p>“Okay, Remus. For one minute we are going to be in this moment. We aren't going to talk. We aren't going to think. We aren't going to do anything except be <em>us</em> for one minute.”</p><p>Remus stares down at me, that Remus scowl on his face. That complacent yet argumentative scowl of his. The one that tells you that he wants to fight this but tells himself not to against his better judgement.</p><p>“One minute?” He asks, contemplation thick in his voice.</p><p>“One minute.” I say again, nodding.</p><p>And for a minute we just had each other. At first it was awkward but soon our unsynchronized breathing became synchronized. His body moved with mine. My body tangled with his. Our eyes never left the others.</p><p>For sixty seconds, we studied each other. I appreciated every gray hair of his. I loved how it mixed in with his sandy hair. Too young for these streaks but had definitely lived a life deserving of them. I fell in love with every single scar on his face and his body from said life. I even fell for the bite mark that put dark magic in the blood that flowed through his veins. Flowing through the veins of the very hands that are caressing my body. The very legs that are tangled with mine. A very small percentage, but still very dark magic that flowed within all this light in him.</p><p>The light I see in his green eyes. The light in his touch. The light that is the faint smile that graces his face as his eyes slowly dance across my body.</p><p>There was no wolf. There was no Moony. There was just…</p><p><em>Remus</em>.</p><p>Studying <em>my</em> face. Studying <em>my</em> scars. The way gray also mixes into the brown of <em>my</em> hair. And I hope somehow, he was finding the light in all of <em>my</em> darkness.</p><p>We are more similar than we know, I think. We just need to find the time to get to the knowing part.</p><p>“I… I think it's been longer than a minute but…” His voice is barely above a whisper. “<em>I don't mind staying in this moment.”</em></p><p>“<em>Neither do I.</em>” I whisper back, watching as a brilliant smile, that lovable, yet always slightly mischievous smile lights up his face. And for a moment there are no scars.</p><p>There are no gray hairs.</p><p>There is no dark.</p><p>There is only light.</p><p>And his smile.</p><p>The smile that warmed my heart and stole it. All at the same time. That Remus Lupin smile.</p><p>
  <em>And growling stomachs.</em>
</p><p>“Darling, are you hungry? I can't tell if that was your stomach or mine but if you..” He says with a smile and I finish his sentence suddenly sitting up and him falling back until we're both sitting.</p><p>Finishing the moment.</p><p>“I'm famished.” I say suddenly. “I wouldn't be if someone had let me finish the breakfast I was making.” I shoot towards him as he gets up. He's pulling on sweats without putting on briefs to go under them. And he laughs.</p><p>A genuine belly laugh.</p><p>It's the most beautiful sound in this world. <em>His</em> genuine belly laugh.</p><p>“Well, darling, the words you said and the way you looked at me. Did I really have a choice?” He retorts and now I'm belly laughing. “I mean, what would you have done?”</p><p>“I wouldn't have stopped.” I say as I sit up, looking around for my shirt when Remus grabs a blanket and covers me with it. “But I'm not as ladylike as one should be and you are a perfect gentleman.” I try to stand and that's when he kneels over me on the bed once more.</p><p>“Callisto. You <em>beautiful</em> woman, you. If you think I wanted to stop, you're sadly mistaken. But you deserve better than a hormone and full moon fueled first time.” He leans over me and I'm back to laying down against the mattress as he grins down at me. He pulls back the blanket and takes a peek before he puts it back, tucking me in.</p><p>“And I'm hardly a gentleman. Not when it comes to you. Beautiful. Naked. In my bed.” He chuckles, kissing me several times before the bed squeaks as he pulls himself back up and walks to the door. “<em>I</em> am going to cook us breakfast as it is my fault we couldn't do so earlier. And as a peace offering for stopping us from what was about to happen. And <em>you</em>…” He looks over his shoulder at me and that beaming smile is back.</p><p>“You are going to stay in my bed. Naked and beautiful. Until I come back with breakfast. Any requests?”</p><p>“Uh.. well no but I don't know if I can stay naked in this bed. There's…” I look at the wall of his bedroom where on the other side lies the corridor of the castle. A student filled castle.</p><p>“Callie..” Remus’s voice makes my head snap back to him where he has an amused smile on his face. “Everyone on staff in this castle knows that I am a werewolf. No children will be coming down this corridor. Not today. I believe it's a Hogsmeade weekend.” He says simply, without complication. Where normally, there would be complication. The staff planned the castle to be mostly empty for this very situation. Just like the last Hogsmeade weekend.</p><p>“<em>Balls</em>!” I say suddenly, sitting up. “I was supposed to go to Hogsmeade! I can't stay here. Naked. I need to be clothed. Wrangling wild witches and wizards.” Remus chuckles and holds up a hand.</p><p>“Love, like I said, everyone on staff knows I am a werewolf. But thanks to my little stunt I pulled in Hogsmeade last weekend, <em>everyone</em> knows about us. Period. Staff. Students.” He sighs and shakes his head. “<em>Ex boyfriends and strangers.</em>.” I lean back on my elbows and grin at the hint of jealousy in his voice. “I don't regret it at all, but the facts remain the facts. Everyone knows. And everyone who needed to know knows what last night was. So, you were relieved of your duties.”</p><p>He's growing comfortable with me. He's trusting me. Maybe he's learning to do the same with himself. But progress is progress and I'm not going to question it.</p><p>“That explains the potion that Poppy left with me last night.” Remus has a surprised but amused look on his face. His eyebrows raise and he leans against the doorway to the room. I point towards the wall. “It's in my bag right outside the door. I forgot to bring it in.”</p><p>Remus leans his head out and looks down before unfolding his arms and leaning out of the room to bring in my back. As he did so I took the time to admire his relatively scar free back. There were a few blemishes but they weren't the same dark magic scarring that comes from werewolves. They were different scars. <em>Human</em> scars. I suppose it would be hard to wound your back by yourself.</p><p>Werewolf or otherwise.</p><p>“There you are, love.” He says as he holds out my bag. I laugh as I point to it.</p><p>“You can go through it.” I say simply.</p><p>“Go through a woman's bag? No, no. Maybe one day, but, the day is not that day, love.” He put the bag on the bed and I chuckled as I found the potion.</p><p>“See? You’re wrong. You <em>can</em> be a gentleman. Even when I'm naked in your bed. Also..” I say, handing him the potion that Poppy left for me. He takes it from my hands and smiles as he looks at the purple concoction. “that is the third time you've called me love. You've never called me love before.” I say quietly.</p><p>“That is because…” Remus opened the vial and drank the potion down. I watched as his body untensed and he took a deep breath in. “you <em>are</em> my love. And that's all I'll say for now because you want me to save that sentiment for when it saves someone.” He puts the vial on one of his shelves. “Pain potion. The pain isn't too bad today compared to other moons. The Wolfsbane worked but it will help with the bones mending themselves. Perhaps I won't need to miss so many days of class.” He points to the vial before looking down at his feet, bruised and swollen and crossed over one another.</p><p>“This whole waiting to say..” he glances up at me, hands now in his pockets. “..those three words you don't want me to say until it saves someone?”</p><p>I nod, swallowing down my anxiety and fear that he'll never say those words again because of that request. I don't know what else to do now but listen. And sit in the mess I may have caused.</p><p>“I think it's preposterous, for the record.”</p><p>I pull the blanket up, covering me to my neck as if to shield myself from words I wasn't expecting. This feels as if it's ruined the morning. Ruined what bliss we've had in this tiny sanctuary of ours that is his quarters.</p><p>“I feel what I feel and I, more so than almost anyone else, knows just how fleeting time can be. How fleeting our lives can be. What little time we get with those who mean the most. So, I can wait to say those words when it saves someone. But, I just want to go on record and say that I meant what I said. And I also meant when I said that your request is preposterous. Because you've already saved me.”</p><p>He stands up straight and looks me deep in the eyes and sighs.</p><p>“You save me every <em>bloody</em> day, Callisto London. And I fought hard to keep away from you for as long as I possibly could until I could no longer resist. Until I could no longer function. I didn't want you stuck with all that I can't offer you because you deserve the world. I’m not even sure I could buy you a globe. I could make a map. But I fought hard because to me, you deserved an easy love. A simple love. One that doesn't require the sheer amount of sacrifice it would take to be involved with me. One that doesn't cause pain. Or devastation. Because love shouldn't be that. I'm destined for that. That or for nothing at all. And I didn't want you to be. You don't <em>have</em> to be. But you deserve to know that you save me, Callisto. Every damn day. And it's about bloody time you’re aware of it.”</p><p>He sighs a breath of relief it seems, like he's been holding that in for the longest. Perhaps he had been. Rem stares at me for a few moments before he points behind him.</p><p>“I'm going to make us food. If you have any requests, put them in now.” He says before he turns to walk away.</p><p>“I want..”</p><p>He stops in his tracks but he doesn't turn towards me. He just tilts his head to listen. One of his quirks. I've watched him do this countless times while talking to one student but keeping aware of what else was going on around him.</p><p>“I <em>want</em> painful. I <em>want</em> difficult. I <em>want</em> devasting, <em>life saving</em> love. I don't want easy or normal. I don't want simplicity. I want to lay outside this door on full moons. <em>Your</em> door on full moons so that you never have to fight the moon alone again. Or or…” I stammer but I know what I want to say. I just have to say it.</p><p>“Or to be there when you come home from them. I want to be there to lower the fever and ease the sickness before and I want to be there to clean and mend you after. I want to teach beside you. I want to share in these intense moments of want and need and desire. And I want to stand next to you, no matter what fight we face. I want to be with the extraordinary man that I chose through it all. <em>That's</em> what I want. And it's about <em>bloody</em> time you're aware of that, too, Remus Lupin.”</p><p>I watch his back flex as he takes a few deep breaths in and then turns to look at me. Tears are welling in his eyes and he's got that look in them. That look that says he wants to take back everything he said about stopping. He wants to let whatever is in him have part of me. And he doesn't look like he can stop it.</p><p>So I will.</p><p>“And I want eggs and bacon. And the tea I bought.” I say simply. Letting the immensity diffuse in the moment.</p><p>A tear falls from Remus’ eyes and he smiles. He gives a little laugh and sniffles as he nods at me.</p><p>“I think I can handle that, love.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Laying in the silence</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Waiting for the sirens</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Signs, any signs, I'm alive still</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I don't want to lose this</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I'm not getting through this</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Hey, should I pray? should I pray?</em>
  <br/>
  <em>To myself? To a God?</em>
  <br/>
  <em>To a savior who can</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Unbreak the broken</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Unsay these spoken words</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Find hope in the hopeless</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Pull me out the train wreck</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Unburn the ashes</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Unchain the reactions, I'm not ready to die, not yet</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Pull me out of the train wreck</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Pull me out</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Pull me out</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Pull me out</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Train Wreck”- James Arthur</em>
</p><hr/><p>
  <em>“Expelliarmus!” I scream, taking the wands away from all of them.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There was no blood running through my veins. It was frozen. I was frozen. Bodies were scattered around me. He was bleeding on the ground in front of me, gaunt and mad.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Insanely mad.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Where is he?” I spat, my own wand shaking in my hand. My whole body was shaking. My core was shaking. I was weak. I was broken.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But I was determined.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I had never seen him like this. Weak. Thin. Helpless. He was always the strong one. The brave one. The one who never backed down from a challenge. The one who protected everyone he loved. The one everyone trusted.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And that's exactly how we arrived at this moment in time.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Where. Is. He?” I repeat, gripping my wand harder and pointing it straight at his neck. His eyes widen and he stops breathing and that's when I know he knows I'll kill him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'll kill him and I won't think twice.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His bony, bloody finger points behind him and I make eye contact with where he's gesturing and I shake my head.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“But then---” I start and I stare down at the man who used to be the most important person in my life and I see an emotionless, shell of a man. I saw the weight of the last twelve years etched in every inch of his body and the way he's looking at me, I know he sees the same in me.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I don't know the man I'm looking at anymore. And neither does he.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I take a deep breath in and steady myself. I'm staring past his finger and it clicks. My eyes widen. My heart stops beating for what seems like forever. A bead of cold sweat glides down my cheek. Or perhaps a tear. I'm unsure. But finally, I know the truth of that night.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Unless---”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sweat and blood and fear surrounds me. I can smell everything. A wolf can smell instincts. Fear. Sadness. Pain. Dread. And it's all around me. The dinginess of the shack. The blood dripping from the bodies surrounding us. The rotten smell of the man lying below me.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And..</em>
</p><p><em>Apples and cinnamon and sleep</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“Darling..”</p><p>Apples and cinnamon and sleep invade my senses. Bouncing sweetness as I'm rocked back and forth along with my squeaky mattress, waking me from my nightmare.</p><p>“Rem….” The sweetest song is being sung in my ear. Her warmth surrounds me and she's sitting on my hips. Rocking me back and forth. “Remus..”</p><p>“<em>Mmmm</em>..” I moan, hoping that she can't feel the cold, fearful sweat I'm covered in. Hoping that she can't feel how fast my heart is beating. I take a deep breath in and remind myself it was a nightmare. That's all.</p><p>And now I'm in reality. Surrounded by warmth, and apples, and love.</p><p><em>My</em> love.</p><p>Callisto flush against my body as her breath warms the back of my neck while I try to sink further into my bed. My bed which over the last month has quickly become <em>our</em> bed. She doesn't spend a night in her quarters at all. Her hair surrounds me along with the apple, cinnamon and sleep, every night and especially right now.</p><p>She is careful to not put her full weight on me. The moon is coming in a few days and she’s cautious. Not that she necessarily has to be. She’s light as a feather. She knows that right before and right after are the most painful days. She's quickly becoming a veteran at this. I feel both guilt and happiness at that particular notion.</p><p>
  <em>Have yourself a Merry little Christmas</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Let your heart be light</em>
  <br/>
  <em>From now on our troubles will be out of sight</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Have yourself a Merry little Christmas</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Make the Yuletide gay</em>
  <br/>
  <em>From now on our troubles will be miles away</em>
</p><p>I usually dread Christmas. As luck would have it, it almost always occurs during a cycle or the actual full moon and I usually have no one to celebrate it with. However, when Callisto is singing Christmas carols beautifully in my ear, it's almost impossible to not be in the festive spirit.</p><p>“Happy Christmas, babe.” She whispers in my ear to which I react by turning over very quickly and grabbing her to keep her from toppling over the side of the bed. I glide my hands from her thighs, up her ribs, continuing their sensual journey to the back of her neck and pull her down into a deep, long kiss.</p><p>She giggles as she stares down at me, wearing one of my button down shirts. The same shirt I was wearing when I met her. That olive green dress shirt that’s seen better days is draped over her shoulders, hanging open. A tank top underneath that is covered in what looks to be a dough of some sort.</p><p>And a pair of my knickers for shorts.</p><p>She looks incredible. Always. But especially in my clothes. Christmas may just be my favorite day yet if every Christmas gets to begin this way.</p><p>“Happy Christmas, love.” I say against her lips after pulling her in for more kisses. I will never be able to resist that. Especially with the cinnamon on them making me crave more. “Have you been baking?” I ask when she leans back, white powder on her check and forearms.</p><p>“Snickerdoodles. Christmas tradition for my family. Do you like snickerdoodles?” She asks me as I wipe the flour off of her arms and face.</p><p>“I like food in general but if they taste anything like your lips then I hope you’ve made an extra large batch.” I say with a smile before sitting up and holding her by the small of her back to encourage her to straddle me. I pull her chest to mine and we are nose to nose, leftover flour transferring to my face. She nods happily and looks into my eyes before she sighs.</p><p>Her content sigh. Her ‘<em>everything is perfec</em>t’ sigh. I love that sigh. I <em>live</em> for that sigh. I would go to war for that sigh.</p><p><em>You may just have to.</em> I think to myself.</p><p>“How long have you been awake?” I ask before I can allow myself to delve deeper into that dark thought, looking across the room at my watch on my chest of drawers. Half past eleven. I never get to sleep this late. Not unless it’s after a full moon. And that’s not for three more days.</p><p>“I’ve been up since dawn.” I go to protest but a floury, cinnamony finger pushes against my lips and she smiles. “Aht. Before you say anything. I’m a Christmas person. Christmas is <em>my</em> holiday. I have always and will always be up before everyone else. So just, for future reference, there’s nothing you can do to stop it. No feeling guilty, love. Besides, moon’s coming. You need your rest.”</p><p>I growl but I kiss her anyways, pulling her into my body. I’ve learned quickly when to accept defeat with Callie. We hold each other for a few moments before the sweet scent of baked goods starts infiltrating our snug little happy place. Callie plants one more kiss on my lips before she gingerly scoots off of me and stands up. She holds out her hand for me and helps me out of bed.</p><p>This moon is going to be bad, I can already tell by the ache in my joints. It's already painful and I have had to fight my quick to annoyance and impatience a few times this week already. Luckily the castle is mostly empty. Just a scattering of a few children and staff.</p><p>It was shocking that even Callie stayed. I assume she knows I would have to stay here and that's why she also stayed. I just assumed she would want to be home with her family during her favorite holiday.</p><p>“Cookies for breakfast?” I ask as we shuffle down the hallway to the kitchen, the sweet cinnamon smell getting stronger with every lazy step we take.</p><p>“I also made mince pie pancakes, which I can understand if you don’t want. I can make something else. It was just something my mom made every Christmas.” She is speaking hurriedly as she grabs the oven door and pulls out the cookies. Like she's nervous I'll hate her cooking. She hisses and shakes her hand and there’s a bright red line down her hand where she pulled out the sheet, forgetting to grab an oven mitt.</p><p>I hurry to her and grab her hand. She’s burned it pretty badly.</p><p>“Careful, darling.” My mancunian accent slips through instead of my practiced proper accent as I take my hand and hold it over the burn until her hissing and groaning stops. When I move my hand, the burn isn’t completely gone but loads better. I look up at her and then kiss the healing skin. “My mother had the same tradition. Mince pie pancakes sound amazing. Thank you.”</p><p>“Burning myself on Christmas is also a tradition.” She says with a hint of a laugh as we look over the burn that's slowly fading away. “An unfortunate tradition but a tradition nonetheless.” She looks up at me and smiles. “Luckily for me, I have an extraordinary boyfriend who can heal with just a wave of his hand.”</p><p>“My usual tradition is pretty painful as well, usually. The end of the month and all..” I say with a chuckle letting the obvious trail off without mention. “You shouldn't need a bandage.” I kiss her hand one more time and then reach past her to grab a cookie. “You and I should make some traditions of our own. Safer ones.” I say, kissing her soft lips. Meaning those words with every aching bone in my body.</p><p>One bite out of the cookie and it's like heaven in my mouth. It practically melts in my mouth. Buttery, cinnamon, sugary bliss in cookie form.</p><p>“These are amazing. It's almost better than chocolate.” I compliment her skills, taking two more and eating them as fast as I can. Callisto gasps in feigned shock and I chuckle. “I said <em>almost</em> better than chocolate.” Teasing her before I lean over and kiss her tenderly. I wipe some of the flour off of her cheek and smile down at her.</p><p>Still stunning. Even when she's covered in baked goods. <em>Maybe even more so</em> I think to myself, unable to look away.</p><p>“What?” Callie asks shyly, as if she can read my mind. And maybe she can but it's most likely because I can't stop looking at her. She doesn't love being the center of attention but I just can't help it. Anytime she's in the same room as me, she is the center. She's the only one in the room. She's the most beautiful in all the rooms. It's her.</p><p>She's <em>my</em> center.</p><p>“Just happy. That's all.” I grin and look around the kitchen for something to help with. “It is this whole new emotion for me. <em>Happiness</em>.” I say with a chuckle. “For most of my life, and definitely for the last twelve years I've felt nothing but fear, pain, and grief, so forgive me if I'm just stuck in the moment sometimes. Just enjoying being happy.” I clap my hands together and sigh. I need to change the subject before I get too deep.</p><p>“What can I assist with darling?”</p><p>“Oh. <em>You're</em> assisting for once?” She asks playfully, plating mince pie pancakes onto separate dishes and setting them on the counter. “How the tables have turned.” She teases.</p><p>“Well, it's not fair if you do all the work now is it?” I ask as I get out the fixings for the breakfast she's made. “I could make some eggs?” I ask, holding up a carton. Callie smiles and nods.</p><p>“Ooh. Yes please, Rem. Sun--” She says hungrily.</p><p>“Sunny side up. I know.” I finish with a smile of my own. I pull out a skillet and crack the eggs open with one hand, tossing the shells behind me into the open bin.</p><p>“Still say you would have made a great Chaser.” She mews in a sing-song voice as she puts the finishing touches on our breakfast for us.</p><p>“Yeah. If it weren't for my general hatred of the sport and those damned full moons that would have made any team run away screaming.” I make her eggs perfectly, putting a little salt and pepper on them before floating them over to her plate with a little magic.</p><p>“I don't know. A wolf on a broom is pretty intimidating. Gryffindor could've used the advantage back then from what I heard. Might have won the House Cup if that were the case.” She says with a chuckle before waving her finger at me. “Also, one rule today. Magic free Christmas!” She says as the eggs float down to land on her plate perfectly.</p><p>“Alright. No magic.” I chuckle, putting the skillet in the sink and already dreading doing the dishes without magic but what Callie wants, Callie is going to get. “Must be those muggle traditions of yours.” I tease her. “Although, you must admit, healing your burn came in handy since you didn't want to use an oven mitt.” I grab her hand and kiss the already healed burn and chuckle.</p><p>“Oi, we're allowed a mistake every now and again, Rem.” She says as she hands me my plate. “No eggs?” She asks me when I take my plate without making my own eggs, walking to my couch. Sitting at the table will be too stiff for me today and she must know that because she follows me without any fuss.</p><p>I shake my head. “<em>Moony</em> wants red meat. Eggs just piss him off at this point.” She sits down on the couch and holds out her hand for my plate. I gratefully hand it to her and she sets it down on the coffee table and then helps me down to the couch.</p><p>“<em>Argh</em>.” I grumble before reaching for my plate that she is holding for me. “This moon is going to be a bad one. I feel it in my bones. Literally.” I sigh, cracking my sore neck before leaning to my side and giving her a kiss. “Thank you, darling. Happy Christmas.”</p><p>“Happy Christmas! I'm sorry you're not feeling well enough for the feasts in the Great Hall. My cooking hardly competes.” She mumbles in between bites of the breakfast. I smile at her and take my first bite and shake my head, growling in satisfaction.</p><p>“No, your cooking is way better. And there's nowhere else I'd rather be on Christmas than with you. The Great Hall has nothing on <em>this</em>. I would take this tiny living space with its concrete walls and secondhand furniture over the enchanted ceiling and elaborate feasts any day. I want you and me and home cooked meals. Traditions. Nothing grandiose.” I eat all the pancakes in two more bites and look at her. She giggles as she wipes remnants from the meal off my face. “Seriously. <em>Way</em> better.”</p><p>“I believe you. I don't even think you took the time to taste your food.” She says as she slowly finishes her meal. She's always the last to eat. Taking time to savor every bite.</p><p>I suppose it's the wolf in me that makes me ravenous.</p><p>“I usually don't. That's one of the bad things about lycanthropy. I am always hungry.” I admit, cleaning my plate and just turning to watch her for a moment before I realize that is probably very weird for her. Staring at someone while they are eating is unusual. Probably very uncomfortable.</p><p>I look down at my plate and go to stand when she puts her hand on my leg and shakes her head. “You can sit here and watch. It doesn't bother me.” She shrugs as she takes another bite of her egg. “I got used to it by the first few days. You like to watch people. You love to watch me. You've very observant.”</p><p>“I just want to know everything about you.” I say very earnestly. It's the most honest thing I'll ever say. I want to know everything about her. What has made her the incredible woman she is today. What she went through as a child. What influenced her to become an Auror. All of these things and more.</p><p>She puts her plate down on the table next to mine and sits back, putting her feet on my legs. I instantly start rubbing her feet. She looks up at the ceiling and sighs before she smiles.</p><p>“Can you do me a favor then? Will you…” She pauses and sighs, her Chestnut hair floating up before landing gracefully, just on the side of her lips. “Will you do me a kindness?”</p><p>I scowl at her in confusion before nodding, kneading a knot out of her left calf.</p><p>“Ask me something personal.” She says, leaning her head against the tattered material of my couch.</p><p>“Tell me about your mum.” I say, wanting to know if she is the person I have to thank or if it's her father. Or maybe both for bringing this wonderful woman into my life.</p><p>“My mum.” She says quietly, sadness in her voice. “Funny you should ask that because today she would have been 45. Christmas was her birthday. But she never made it about her. It was always about the holiday itself. Everyone else but her. She was beautiful. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. She was stubborn as hell.” Callie says with a laugh.</p><p>“Sounds familiar.” I tease before moving a piece of hair out of her eyeline. She's tearing up and I put my hand on her cheek and gently caress. I pull her closer to me by one of her legs and now the back of her thighs are hugging my thighs.</p><p>“Yeah, it made her a great lawyer. Her and dad were both lawyers. That's how they met. They were on opposing sides. But ironically, they made a great team.” She sighs and wipes a tear away.</p><p>“But they were always home on Christmas. Which was rare for lawyers. Do you know what a lawyer is?” She says in a sudden moment of realization that she was talking to a wizard.</p><p>I nod.</p><p>I may be a wizard but I am halfblood, and did fairly well in muggle studies in school. I only took it because Pads..</p><p>I blink and swallow hard at my innermost monologue.</p><p><em>Sirius</em> insisted on it. He was obsessed with muggles because it infuriated his <em>noble</em> pureblood family.</p><p>“For 11 years I had amazing Christmases with my mum and dad. Until Halloween of 81.” She says, and the sadness floods the room. The other shoe finally hits the ground after months of feeling like it would.</p><p>The too good to be true reared its ugly head.</p><p>I stop caressing her cheek. My blood runs cold. I want to say something. Anything. But I can't. Because I already know what this means. I already know what happened.</p><p>“My mum and dad died the night that Harry's parents died. They were innocent bystanders. Bystanders to--”</p><p>“To my best friends duelling. Bystanders to Sirius destroying Peter. My best friend not only killed the others. He killed <em>your</em> parents.” I manage to choke out. All the air falling out of my lungs.</p><p>“I was at school. In the middle of a feast. While Black was trying to help Voldemort rise to power. While he murdered Harry's parents. And <em>Mine</em>.” Hatred is fueling her words and that hatred is transferring from her to me through whatever connection we share.</p><p>Physical, magical, and metaphysical.</p><p>“They weren't even magic. They were muggles. They had no idea what was happening. Just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. And two kids became orphans that day.” She spits and tears are falling by the drove full. From both of us.</p><p>“But only one gets talked about because the other set were muggles. But their child..”</p><p>I look at her and my heart shatters. Tears fall like floods and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. And I feel responsible for her pain.</p><p>“<em>I</em> am a witch. But no one knows about that. No one cares about that story. Because I'm not the chosen one.”</p><p>Maybe I am responsible for her pain. If only I had been Secret Keeper. I could've prevented everything. But I understood why no one trusted me. Who would trust the werewolf? But if I had been Secret Keeper, maybe they'd still be alive. Maybe her parents. Harry's parents. Peter…</p><p>Maybe the world would be a happier place. A better place.</p><p>Without me. Because I would have happily laid down my life for theirs. I <em>should</em> have.</p><p>“And I'm not angry at Harry. How could I be? Neither of us asked for this. And.. before you say anything, I'm not angry at you. I..” I look down at her and she smiles, with tears in her eyes and streaming down her face. “I could never feel anything other than pure happiness with you. You didn't ask for this and you didn't expect this. All three of us lost everything that night. And now we're here together.”</p><p>“<em>Is</em>--” My voice cracks as the words get caught in my dry throat. “Is that why you became an Auror?”</p><p>“To kill Sirius Black? Not necessarily. He’s been in prison this whole time. A fate worse than death. But I became an Auror to be able to bring justice to people who have gone through things like we have. And now that he's escaped, the thoughts crossed my mind. I'd kill him. No hesitation. You were there with my boggart.” She motions towards where we had our first lesson together. The boggart lesson. Alone.</p><p>The moment I realized just how powerful she was.</p><p>“Snape telling me that Alastor and Finian had died. It was at the hands of Black. You didn't let him get that far but that's what it was. Alastor practically raised me after and Finian well.. he's <em>still</em> one of my best friends. So yeah, I'd kill Black.” She says simply, as if it were the easiest thing in the world.</p><p>I'm listening to the love of my life admit to me that not only did the most important person in my life murder our family. But he murdered hers as well. And I'm listening to her explain what she would do to him if she came across him.</p><p>“You'd have to beat me to it. I will…” I feel myself shaking with unbridled rage now. “I will <em>rip him limb to limb</em>.” I stare into her eyes and take my hands and make the ripping motion. “If he touches a hair on you or Harry’s head, and even if he doesn't, I will rip him to pieces. I am going to <em>murder</em> him.”</p><p>And I'm agreeing with her.</p><p>
  <em>That's something I never saw coming.</em>
</p><p>“Hey..” Callie grabs my hands and intertwines them with her own. “Lets not get all worked up. Not on Christmas.” She gives me her best brave smile and I know that it's in vain.</p><p>“I could've started with anything but your parents.” I offered, shaking my head and wiping her tears away.</p><p>“And I could've told you ages ago. It's not like the subject of Black hasn't come up.” She tries to take the guilt away from me, wiping my tears away at the same time I'm tending to hers.</p><p>But again, it's in vain.</p><p>“I've ruined Christmas. As per usual.” I sigh, trying to look away when she grabs my chin and makes me look at her.</p><p>“Christmas is <em>not</em> ruined. If anything, it's even more special. You know my deepest, darkest secret now. And I know yours. And there's no one I would want to spend my mum's birthday and Christmas with. So..” She wipes one last tear from my eye and then leans in to kiss me.</p><p>Cinnamon and salty tears mingle in our kiss but it's what I needed to ground myself.</p><p>Callisto gets up and grabs our plates, taking them to the sink before slinking back over to me, sitting on my lap and wrapping her arms around my neck.</p><p>“Presents?” She asks not so innocently and I chuckle as I reach up and dry her cheeks with my thumb, taking the last of her tears.</p><p>“Presents.” I say with a nod before holding up a finger. “One last bit of magic? Your gift is in the wardrobe and I don't dare want you to get up from my lap.” I put my hands on her back and squeeze and she giggles.</p><p>“I’ll allow it. But only because I'm going to do this.” She waves her hands and the dishes in the sink start washing themselves and the kitchenette starts self cleaning.</p><p>“Oh thank Merlin! I was not excited for having to clean that ourselves.” Callisto leans her head against mine as she laughs. I take my hand and wave it at our sides. My wardrobe opens and out floats the small jewelry box. I grab it and hold it between us.</p><p>“I saved a little of my salary for this and I had a little help but I hope you love it.” I whisper as she stares down at the black box between us. She looks up and stares into my eyes for a few moments. She looks like she wants to say something and that's when I realize she may have a different idea than what this really is.</p><p>“Oh.. umm.. it's not <em>that</em>. It's.. well. Here.” I stammer as I open the box and we both look down at a silver crescent moon medallion on a silver chain. Tears start to well in her eyes again and she looks up at me.</p><p>“I know that this is what you crushed to help me with my wounds that first night. You crushed your moon necklace that your mum and dad had gotten you for Christmas when you were little.” I shrugged and hold up the box. “Its not an <em>exact</em> copy of the one you had but Finian and I got as close as we could. We..”</p><p>Before I could finish, her lips were on mine. Callisto grabs my face and runs her hands through my hair as she practically pounces on me. Her lips are everywhere and she's speaking her appreciation against my lips, in my neck. Everywhere.</p><p>“It's perfect. Thank you so much.” Her tearful words are heartwarming as trembling hands reach for the necklace. I take it out and open the clasp. She leans forward and I place the chain around her neck and fasten it. The moon medallion falls perfectly in the middle of her sternum and she thumbs it, tears falling as she does so. “You know why my parents gave me a moon necklace?” She asks and I nod.</p><p>I’ve known for a while. I figured it out a couple weeks into the school year.</p><p>“Callisto means ‘<em>moon</em>’. You are quite literally, my moon.” I say with a laugh. “You were right when you told me the night of our first date that you would get me to see the beauty in the moon.” I put my hand on her cheek and caress her soft, cool skin. She leans against my hand happily and sighs. “Maybe even learn to love it.”</p><p>Her eyes that were closed pop open at the four letter word she's been trying to avoid. And I know she said she wants me to say it when it saves one of us. But like I said. She saves me every day.</p><p>And I have a proclivity for finding a bend in the rules.</p><p>“<em>Rem</em>..” She warns and I raise an eyebrow, pulling her into a kiss to quiet her.</p><p>“<em>The werewolf fell in love with the moon.</em>” I whisper against her lips before I pull away.</p><p>“How's <em>that</em> for irony?” I say with a smile as Callie stares at me. She doesn't say a word. She just stares into my eyes, thumbing her necklace and taking in the moment.</p><p>And that's when I hear my favorite sound in the world.</p><p>That sigh.</p><p>“It's time for your present. And it requires you getting up..” She says as she gently gets off my legs as I shiver from the absence of her body heat. “Come on, <em>Moony</em>.” She teases as she walks towards the bedroom in nothing but my clothes.</p><p>
  <em>Yeah, Christmas is definitely becoming a favorite.</em>
</p><p>“And before you get any ideas, you're putting clothes <em>on</em>. Not taking them <em>off</em>.”</p><p>I groan as I get up and roll my eyes. But I follow her anyway. She was right, I was getting ideas but that's okay. All of this was still something I could get used to. If every Christmas was like this one. Just the two of us. Good food. Special moments and deep conversation.</p><p>I walk into my bedroom and that's when she opens the closet that is full to the brim with brand new clothing. Robes. Jumpers. Dress shirts. T shirts. Jeans. Slacks. Shoes. Everything I could ever want or need. There. Brand new.</p><p>No holes. No claw marks. No blood.</p><p>“Ta Dah!!” She says as she gestures to it. “And before you say anything, I know this cost just as much as this necklace <em>AND</em> I have put a spell on it to repair themselves if anything were to happen to them. These clothes will <em>never</em> have to be darned.” She says with a huge smile as she holds a knitted sweater in her hand. She looks at me and shrugs.</p><p>“Now those <em>bloody</em> Slytherins will have nothing to mumble about.” She says haughtily.</p><p>I walk over and pick her up by her thighs, wrapping her legs around waist and smiling when she squeals. “Your body! It's too close to a moon! You're too sore!” She protests and I bite my lip as I shake my head no at her.</p><p>“Those Slytherins will find something. But they can sod off. I've got the best girl in the world. And they're just jealous.” I say, staring up at her as she wraps around me.</p><p>She wraps her arms around my neck and I pull her down for a kiss as we twirl around the room. She squeals into the kiss and I don't pay attention to the soreness screaming through my moon ravaged body.</p><p>I don't know anything or feel anything but her.</p><p>“Happy Christmas, my Moony.” She whispers into my neck and I chuckle.</p><p>“Happy Christmas, my moon.” I say back, spinning us again to the sound of her laughter.</p><p>And there is that strange feeling again.</p><p><em>Happiness</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. I Dont Dance</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>I'll never settle down<br/>That's what I always thought<br/>I was that kind of man<br/>Just ask anyone<br/>I don't dance<br/></em> <em>But here I am<br/></em> <em>Spinning you around and round in circles<br/><br/>"I Dont Dance" - Lee Brice</em></p><hr/><p>The sun is shining in through a window where a finch is chirping on the ledge. I know that it is a perfect Winter morning before I even open my eyes. I roll over and blindly move my hand across the bed to find cold limbs. I run my hand up her leg and smile when she snickers at my touch.</p><p>Goosebumps flood under my hand and hair pricks up on her skin from the difference in temperature for a brief moment in time. My hot to her cold. My fire to her ice. My wolfman to her woman.</p><p>“You snore.” She says brazenly to which I instantly open my eyes to find her sitting criss cross style next to me. She's writing in her journal, hunched over it and has her moon medallion hanging from her lips. Her necklace is almost always on her lips.</p><p>She plays with it every chance she gets.</p><p>“I do no such thing!” I rasp back, my voice still not recovered from a cold we both had last week. Ironic how just when I stop howling during moons, a super cold finds its way into my body.</p><p>“Trust me you do.” She says with a warning tone, still writing away in her journal. She still has a little of a sniffle but she's recovered better than I have.</p><p>I so stupidly thought there was no more room for any other infections in my body other than lycanthropy.</p><p>“I've never heard myself snore so…” I say as I rub my face, trying my best to wake up.</p><p>I was proven wrong.</p><p>Callie waved her wand in the air without bothering to look at me, and in an instant, snoring filled the room. Rather <em>raucous</em>, <em>booming</em> snoring. She waved her wand, again never looking up from her paper and it stopped.</p><p>“That was you. At 3 in the morning.” She says as she finishes writing her thoughts down. She closes her notebook and looks my way finally. “And that wasn't even the loudest.” She smiles and leans down, kissing me.</p><p>“You're going to get sick all over again if you keep doing that. I'm not over this cold yet. Which is probably why I snore..” She cut me off with another kiss and chuckles out of this particular peck.</p><p>“I'll kiss you no matter the consequences. Sickness or otherwise.” She leans down for another quick smooch to prove her point, her hands on my cheeks, rubbing at the beard I've grown over the holiday break. No need to shave when you're hiding away in your happy little bubble.</p><p>“And just so you know, you snored <em>before</em> we were sick.” She sits back up and puts her journal on the bedside table. “And you wouldn't still be sick if you took your draught like Poppy and I have been telling you.” I roll my eyes at her while I scratch my itchy reddish brown beard.</p><p>“It’s disgusting. Might as well drink Wolfsbane.” I complain, looking over at the red potion still on my bedside table.</p><p>“If it tasted good, everyone would take it. It’s a potion. It’s for <em>conditions</em>. It’s not <em>supposed</em> to taste good.” She utters oddly familiar words before she points back at me. I rather like when she uses my words against me. Oddly enough.</p><p>“The wolf does too, by the way.” She says so nonchalantly, as if I would understand that incomplete sentence.</p><p>“The <em>wolf</em>..” I say slowly, trying to draw the answer out of her. I'm running my fingers through my hair and my beard. Pulling it every which way to look as wild as possible.</p><p>“Snores. Just like that.” She waves absentmindedly in the air before she smiles at me. I sigh and shake my head. “But I don't mind.” She says with a simple shrug.</p><p>“He has the most <em>adorable</em> sneeze too.” She adds on and I clap my hands together in front of my crazed hair. I start shaking my head adamantly.</p><p>“Okay, see.” I point at Callisto. “We aren’t going to call the wolf or anything the wolf does <em>adorable</em>.” I point to myself, having inadvertently turned my crazed look into a functional point. “He’s <em>not</em> adorable. I am <em>not</em> adorable. He’s a <em>bloodthirsty</em> <em>killer</em>. <em>I am a bloodthirsty killer.</em>” I lean forward, trying to hammer my point home.</p><p>Callisto doesn't budge. She just sighs and gives me that Callisto grin of hers.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Rem. But his name is <em>Moony</em>. Which is also <em>adorable</em>. So, I’ll call it like I see it. <em>Moony</em> may be a bloodthirsty animal, but <em>you</em> are not.” She taps my nose, rendering me useless. Taming me with a simple gesture. “You are <em>Remus</em>. You are <em>human</em>. And <em>you</em>…” she says leaning forward, grabbing my bearded chin once more. She smoothes out my beard and as she does, she smiles down at me, staring at my lips for a moment before kissing them deeply.</p><p>Instantly calming me and the wolf inside. Wherever he's hiding.</p><p>“Are adorable.” Callisto finishes her thought before she leans back, smoothing out my hair before she claps her hands to her thighs. “And sexy and beautiful and devastatingly handsome and a <em>million</em> other descriptive words but there’s no time for that. We need to get up.”</p><p>Callie points to the ceiling purposefully.</p><p>“We need to shower, eat, clean this place up and then go teach Harry this Patronus charm.” She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me before leaving quick, warm pecks on my cheeks.</p><p>“And you need to shave.” She gets up and pulls off my jumper she's wearing. With a toss it's over my head, rendering me blind and in the dark.</p><p>“I'm getting first shower because you hog the hot water.” She chirps at me as I hear her clothes hit the floor and I scramble to take the sweater off my head in time to just barely glimpse her bare body walking to the bath.</p><p>I bend forward on the bed to try and sneak another peek when she calls out to me.</p><p>“<em>Can you make your perfect eggs</em> <em>for</em> <em>me</em>? <em>With some toast?”</em> Her voice is muffled by the running water and I hear the curtain rings slide across the metal bar before she steps in, making the stream hit the walls momentarily before I hear the water pound the floor as she wets her hair.</p><p>“Of course, Darling. Do you want four different spreads like mine?” I holler out, sitting on the edge of the bed and rubbing the sleep from my face. I already know the answer.</p><p>Apple aroma sweeps in, filling my lungs. I rub my silver scars that rip up, down, across, and diagonally on my torso, anticipating her answer. I nod my head right when she says..</p><p>“<em>Yes please!”</em></p><p>I smile to myself, stretching my aging and life-wearied body. I bend to the sides, to the back where my spine pops like bubble wrap, and then bend forward; attempting to touch my toes but can only get so far as my shins. Leaning forward brings all the sickness to my nose and though I try to hold it back..</p><p>
  <em>Aaaachooo!</em>
</p><p>I sneeze. Rather loudly.</p><p>
  <em>“And take your draught! Now!”</em>
</p><p>Just when I am about to ask if I could accompany her in the shower, she puts me on task.</p><p>I snap up and sigh, wiping my nose before looking over to my bedside table. I lean over the bed and snatch the red potion up, ripping the stopper out with my teeth before gripping the vial with my lips and tipping my head back.</p><p>I gag down the bitter potion but feel my lungs and sinus clear as it sloshes down, making my belly warm with it's healing powers. I cough and moan my general disgust before tossing the vial on the chest of drawers.</p><p>“It's down. How long it stays that way, I haven't a clue! You <em>torturous</em> woman!” I shout back at my girl.</p><p>My girl who wastes no time mocking me.</p><p>
  <em>“Oh yes. Torturous that someone cares so deeply about you that they may wish you to be healthy and not needlessly ill. How dare I?”</em>
</p><p>Her teases are muffled as I smell soap in the air. My soap. She may think she's stealthy but she forgets that some aspects of <em>her</em> <em>Moony</em> never leaves me. She most definitely has her own soap in the shower but chooses mine.</p><p>I feel my chest puff up just a little at that tiny nuance. Call me sentimental. Or cocky.</p><p>Maybe even a little self centered.</p><p>But I love the fact that she did that. Used my soap. I love the fact that she stole the first shower because I hog it. I love that she's asking me to make her breakfast because I do it “<em>perfectly</em>”. I even love that she busts my chops more often than not. I love that she made me take that foul medicine. I would go so far to say that I even love that she calls <em>Moony</em> adorable.</p><p>I love <em>her</em>.</p><p>It's as simple and as utterly complicated as that.</p><p>I walk out to the kitchen and yawn as I wave my hand over the radio in the corner. In an instant a dancing drum and synthesized piano fills the room. I dance a tiny bit as I grab the eggs out of the fridge and grab a skillet off the wall.</p><p>I drop some butter into the pan and crack the eggs, letting them sizzle while I grab the loaf of bread we made together the other night. I cut it into slices and take her eggs out, perfectly sunny side up.</p><p>
  <em>I've been meaning to tell you</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I’ve got this feeling that won't subside</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I look at you and I fantasize</em>
  <br/>
  <em>You're mine tonight.</em>
</p><p>Both Callisto and I are singing with the radio from separate areas of my quarters. <em>Our</em> quarters would be more like it. She's certainly made herself at home here. And that's perfect for me.</p><p>For me, <em>she</em> is home.</p><p>
  <em>Now I've got you in my sights</em>
  <br/>
  <em>With these</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Hungry eyes</em>
  <br/>
  <em>One look at you and I can't disguise</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I've got hungry eyes</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I feel the magic between you and I.</em>
</p><p>I flip the eggs onto her plate and stick the slices of homemade bread onto the pan, giving it a light crust on each side before piling up a good amount of toast.</p><p>
  <em>I wanna hold you so hear me out</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I wanna show you what loves all about</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Darling, tonight</em>
</p><p>I'm putting marmalade, strawberry jam, butter, and butter and honey on each slice when I hear her voice getting closer. Apple ensnares my senses and she rounds the corner, running a towel through her wavy brown locks. We smile at each other before I hand her a plate with eggs and four corner toast and we both continue singing as we walk to the couch with our breakfast.</p><p>
  <em>Now I've got you in my sights</em>
  <br/>
  <em>With these</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Hungry eyes</em>
</p><p>I take her plate for her as she plops down onto the couch. I grin at her, a piece of toast hanging from my mouth as I do so. She smiles back before waving at me to hand her our plates. I do just that before turning and groaning, my body creaking and cracking when I bend to sit.</p><p>I take the toast from my mouth and swallow my bite; Callie putting my plate on my thighs to catch the crumbs.</p><p>“Thank you, Darling.” I cover my mouth when I say that and she nods, leaning over and kissing me.</p><p>“Mmhmm.” She murmurs before she pulls back with a grin. “Mmm. You've got honey, Rem.” I cross my eyes at her finger pointing at my beard. She giggles at me and then I realize what she’s saying when she licks a napkin and rubs it in my beard. “It is <em>not</em> coming out. This is exactly why I say you should shave. Keep the mustache. I love the mustache.” The cleaning cloth slides over my facial hair and then tugs at the bottom of my chin. “Or maybe even a little goatee. But full beard is…”</p><p>She sighs, tossing the cloth onto the coffee table. With a resigning sigh, Callie waves her hand over my face and I feel the honey clean out of my facial hair.</p><p>“Messy.” She says with a chuckle before kissing me once more. “Much better. Still sweet but not sticky.” I sigh happily against her lips and smile.</p><p>When she leans back I hold up my toast and offer a bite, which she happily takes.</p><p>This girl.<br/>This amazing, beautiful, extraordinary girl.</p><p>“I think you’re better than I am at wandless, nonverbal magic. Wait til Severus sees you use it.” I take a bite of toast and point at her with my pinky. “He’ll never believe that you, a muggleborn, could do that.” I grin at her proudly and she blushes, shaking her head at me in disbelief.</p><p>She leans back against the arm of the couch. I lift my plate and make room for her feet, which undoubtedly make their way to rest against my thighs.</p><p>We do this dance every day.</p><p>We wake up, talk for a moment. Then one of us showers while the other cooks breakfast. She takes longer than I do in the shower, the only exception coming before or after moons. If she is cooking, I’ll step in and help. Both of us moving expertly around each other. We’ve learned each other's patterns. The way we walk, the way we talk, what our preferences are.</p><p>If I’m cooking, she will just manage to make it out of the shower in time to grab her plate and continue our dance to the couch. Here, the dance varies.</p><p>Three quarters of the month, she will sit down first and take her plate from me. I’ll wait for her to get comfortable and then she will reach for my plate. I’ll hand it to her and then sit down beside her. She’ll hand me my plate and we will dig in. Halfway through, she gets cold and she loves to take advantage of my higher than normal body temperature, thanks to the lycanthropy. Not that I mind, I also love when she does it.</p><p>Other times, around moons, she will set our plates on the coffee table before grabbing my arm and wrapping it around her neck as she wraps her arm around me and helps me down to the couch. She will ease me down, careful of the shifting or broken bones. Then she will hand my plate to me that is always heaping with more food than hers to help fuel my shifting body. She’ll slowly sit down, careful to not make any jarring movement to disturb me. She’ll grab her plate and then we will eat. Halfway through, she’ll hold her plate up so I can lay my head in her lap. She’ll set her plate on the arm of the chair and pick at the rest of her food while she soothes me by rubbing my hair.</p><p>“Thank you for that sentiment, Rem. It’s very sweet, but it is not the truth. And as far as Snape is concerned, I’d rather our paths cross as little as possible, babe. I have only been able to do simple spells. I’ve seen you do complex ones with just a flick of the finger.” She flicks her index finger at me and nothing happens. “Mmm. See. You still have that beard of yours.” Feigned disappointment is thick in her voice as she teases me.</p><p>We do this dance every single day and while I’m sure anyone else would find it monotonous and boring, I find it exhilarating. I find it fueling. I find it essential to my being. Because this girl. This <em>woman</em>.</p><p>This amazing, beautiful, extraordinary woman has chosen to do this dance with <em>me</em>. I have found myself undeserving of something as simple as dancing through life with someone. Until I walked into a room and my heart was stolen. This woman does the unthinkable. She spends her moments with me. She takes care of me. She takes care of every part of me. Even…</p><p><em>Moony</em>.</p><p>She’s convinced me that I have to call the wolf something other than The Monster. I’m not allowed to call myself anything less than human.</p><p>“I’ll shave after my shower. Just got a little lazy after the moon. S’all… and we stayed in mostly and with almost all of the students gone, the only person left to impress was you.” I say, putting my plate on her shins, knowing the next move.</p><p>“You impress me everyday..” We both said at the same time and I grasped her thigh and squeezed.</p><p>“Yes, I know, thank you, darling.” I finish the piece of toast we shared and wipe my hands before picking up the second slice. “I do still think you’re as blind as Sybil, but I believe you when you say that’s how you feel now.” I take a bite and as I’m chewing I feel her stare. That stare is practically burning a hole through me.</p><p>So I slowly turn and look at her, making full eye contact while I’m chewing.</p><p>“What?” I say, the word muffled by toast as crumbs fly out of my mouth.</p><p>“I think that’s the first time you’ve admitted that you believe someone could have feelings for you.” She is almost whispering. Like if she says the words too loudly, she’ll scare the moment away.</p><p>“I didn’t say that. I said I believed <em>you</em>.” I wipe my errant crumbs off of her and shrug. “Never said you weren't absolutely <em>mad</em> for thinking it.”</p><p>I find that the dance, our dance together, is what tethers me to this world.</p><p>“It's absolutely <em>mad</em> that you think no one would be capable of falling for someone as incredible as you.” She whispers again before taking a bite of her eggs. “Someone so patient and kind.”</p><p>“Tortured and damned.” I correct, knowing steps that come next.</p><p>“<em>Noble</em> and <em>good</em>.” Callisto counters me.</p><p>“Sick and dangerous.” I retort, my words still sing songy even when I feel it's the utter truth.</p><p>“<em>Strong</em> and <em>protective</em>. To the point where it's almost sacrificial.” Her counter, which I expected, is eerily accurate. Which I did not expect.</p><p>It tethers me to this world because she’s given me something I’ve only experienced for a short bit of my life. She’s giving me someone to be with. She’s never left my side aside from the few weeks I pushed her away after the fight I caused. The first date I ruined.</p><p>But we’ve come a long way since that night.</p><p>She’s come back and she hasn’t left my side since. She won’t even leave for transformations. I won’t let her in, it’s not safe. Not even with her making the Wolfsbane. I can’t risk it. I won’t risk it. She’s brave enough to stay during my transformations. I’m brave enough to let her, but that’s as much bravery as I can muster right now.</p><p>She’s given me something to hold onto. Something to change back for. She’s given me something to believe in. She’s tethered me to this world with our dance. But most of all, it tethers me to the world because..</p><p>“You’re more like Sybil than I thought..” I whisper before finishing my toast and getting up for a shower. I put my plate in the sink and heed the padding of small feet behind me. Another plate meets mine and soon there’s delicate arms wrapping around my bare torso. Her icy touch against my stomach makes it taut and she runs her fingers over the muscles going rigid underneath the pads of her cold touch.</p><p>“Because I’m Cuckoo?” She asks innocently, the warmth of her breath painting my back as her head rests against it. Fingers are still tracing my muscles and I put my hands on her arms and laugh.</p><p>“Sybil is not Cuckoo. She's right more often than not.” My fingers glide along her soft skin, rubbing circles into the ivory of her skin. “She asked if she could do a reading on me before Christmas and I practically fell over myself trying to get away.” I look down where two frigid index fingers are tracing the outline of abdominal muscles and chuckle. “And don’t get used to those muscles, the moon is approaching. That’s why they are there. They'll disappear after the swelling is gone after the next transformation.”</p><p>Callie shakes her head against my back and I can't help but laugh some more as she squeezes my chest in her hands. I watch as her fingers leave white trails, the tell tale sign of where they've been; fondling my pecs. That is until her fingers run over the lavender silver scars that adorn them.</p><p>The tell tale sign of where the wolf has been. You don't have to look very hard to find those signs riddling my entire body. If Moony could reach it, he’s left his mark.</p><p>“Nuh uh. The current moon cycle is a waxing crescent. The moon is nowhere near approaching. You’ve got about two more good weeks. These are all you.” She purrs against my back.</p><p>I'm staring at the three newest scars on my right pec when her words surprise me. “You learned the moon phases for me?” I say as I turn in her arms and stare into those beautiful cerulean eyes of hers. “You know the cycle? You did that for me?” I ask, pushing her bangs out of her eyes and resting my hand against her cheek.</p><p>“I got an <em>Outstanding</em> in Astronomy. But, partially, yes, I’ve been brushing up on them.” She admits as she leans against my hand. She closes her eyes, her eyelashes brushing my thumb. I stare at her incredulously. In disbelief at what I’ve been given in this life with her.</p><p>I am completely undeserving but I will take advantage of whatever time I have with her until she realizes what mistake she’s made. I will accept this tether I have to this world until she breaks it.<br/>Maybe that’s why she won’t let me say that I’m in love with her. Maybe because she knows she can’t say it back.</p><p>I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t reciprocate my feelings. I’m not sure I could if I were in her place. I take a deep breath in and shake that thought from my mind. She’s going to be the one to break the tether. Not me.</p><p>“An <em>Outstanding</em> in Potions and Astronomy but took finding me broken and bleeding to realize that I am a werewolf?” I tease out of discomfort in the moment and she sighs and opens her eyes.</p><p>“To be fair, I thought the night before I found out that you could be but I thought that was a little mad.” She teases back, pushing at my chest lightly. I look down at her hand as she ineffectually fails to push me from my stance. But, I step back anyways.</p><p>Sometimes that’s part of the dance. Making someone feel as if they have the power to move you. Letting them take the lead.</p><p>“A little Cuckoo?” I offer with a smile.</p><p>“Just a tad.” She says back, her hand falling to my waiting hand. I look up at her as a pounding drum beat and bass line vibrates from the radio through her fingers to mine.</p><p>“Ooh I love this song. It’s so romantic.” She sighs as she pulls our hands up to our sides. “Dance with me.” She asks and I scoff.</p><p>She tethers me to this world and she makes me feel extraordinary when I’m certainly more than less than. She is the person I do the same dance with day in and day out but she is doing the unthinkable because..</p><p>“I don’t dance.” I say softly, looking down at her hand in mine before looking towards the radio. “This song is not romantic. This song is creepy, bordering on psychotic. This song is literally about stalking. Have you listened to the words, Cal?”</p><p>I move in on her, stalking her around the kitchen as she giggles, running around the kitchenette, the table and back again as I sing the song to her.</p><p>
  <em>Every breath you take</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Every move you make</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Every bond you break</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Every step you take</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I’ll be watching you</em>
</p><p>She stops back at the table and we’re facing each other on opposite sides. She raises her eyebrows and I lean across the table, singing the next verse to her. ”Oh you sing, but you don’t dance?” She jokes as I stalk and serenade her.</p><p>
  <em>Every single day</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Every word you say</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Every game you play</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Every night you stay</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I’ll be watching you</em>
</p><p>“See? Stalker.” I say, standing up straight and taking the menacing look off my face. To which Callie chuckles and saunters over to me. She puts her arms around my neck and pulls me so close to her that her breath paints my skin as her lips graze my skin as she sings. Retaliating.</p><p>
  <em>Oh can’t you see, you belong to me?</em>
  <br/>
  <em>How my poor heart aches with every step you take</em>
</p><p>Callisto pulls at my hair and then her fingers slide from my neck down my chest until she’s gripping my hips. She looks up in my eyes, hers wearing a particularly darker shade of blue as I see something I’ve seen before in them.</p><p>Those hungry eyes staring up at me as she continues her assault on me with her pointed singing, proving her point.</p><p>
  <em>Every move you make</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Every vow you break</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Every smile you fake</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Every claim you stake</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I’ll be watching you</em>
</p><p>She pushes me back until she’s got me pinned against the fridge. I groan a tiny bit when my back hits the handle and she hisses before she kisses me, and suddenly the cool steel against my back is fiery hot.</p><p>
  <em>Since you’ve gone, I’ve been lost without a trace</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I dream at night I can only see your face</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I look around but it’s you I can’t replace</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I feel so cold and I long for your embrace</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I keep crying</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Baby, baby, please</em>
</p><p>And so am I.</p><p>“See?” She pants as she moves from my lips down to my neck. She stays there for a moment. “Romantic.” She says breathlessly as she collapses into my arms, melting into me perfectly. She wraps her arms around me and I pull her close, rubbing my hands up and down the tattered jumper of mine she’s wearing. My finger gets caught in a hole in the back and I chuckle.</p><p>“Agree to disagree for now.” I say, swallowing hard as I do my best to quell my urges at the moment.</p><p>“Your heartbeat says different, <em>Lupin</em>.” She teases before she looks up at me, biting her lip. “And the red hot heat of your skin.” Her hands are like ice against my flushed skin and I smile before I bite my own lip.</p><p>“So does yours..<em>London</em>.” I say with a wry grin. The song changes to a slower song and I look down at the radio again before looking at her. Her eyes are brighter and she’s got a smile on her face.</p><p>“I love this song. Dance with me.” She asks and I contemplate it for a moment. Just when I’m going to give in and slow dance in the kitchen with the love of my life, my eyes catch the clock on the wall.</p><p>We are going to be so late for the lesson with Harry if I don’t get in the shower and shave. We slept half the day away as it is. At least I did.</p><p>
  <em>Share my life</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Take me for what I am</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Cause I’ll never change all my colors for you</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Take my love I’ll never ask for too much</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Just all that you are and everything that you do</em>
</p><p>I kiss her deeply before turning us and putting her against the fridge, giving her a taste of her own medicine. I back away and give her a mischievous grin. I reach around her and turn the music up before waving my hand and making the dishes clean themselves.</p><p>I am tethered to this world by a woman who is indescribable on my best day. Today, I have nothing. Nothing but love and respect for the most beautiful woman I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing on such an intimate level, let alone being with. I am tethered to this woman in every way possible.</p><p>This woman that dances through life with me. This woman who dances through lycanthropy with me. Gracefully and elegantly when she would otherwise be the opposite.</p><p>I could do this dance with her the rest of my life and never get tired or bored of it.</p><p>“We’ve got to get ready for the lesson tonight with Harry. And I need to shower and shave.” I lean down and kiss her again before walking towards the shower, stripping my sweats as I do so.</p><p>“Besides..”</p><p>I kick my sweats into our room and a wide, up to no good grin spreads across my face as I call out to her.</p><p>“I don’t dance.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Thinkin Bout You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I don't really have to look very much further </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I don't wanna have to go where you don't follow </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I won't hold it back again, this passion inside.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Can't run from myself, there's nowhere to hide..</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I Have Nothing" - Whitney Houston</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>“Whatchu want for dinner?” Remus asked me while we sat on the steps into the History of Magic classroom where we agreed to do the lesson with Harry.</p><p>He was twirling his wand in his hand, the other arm wrapped around my waist as I chose my place in the tic tac toe game we had burning magically in the air.<br/>
I place my <em>O</em> in the top right corner, trapping Remus’ next move because I could go down or across to win.</p><p>“<em>Oh sod it.</em>” He whispered as he just put his <em>X</em> in a free space and I finished the game with my winning spot. “You’re too good at this game, now. We need to start playing Snap or something.”</p><p>“You're just predictable, honey. You do the same moves every game. You're a creature of habit.” I close my eyes as soon as I say it. I know what's going to happen next.</p><p>“Ahhh. So you are admitting I <em>am</em> a creature.” He says with that mischievous grin of his. That grin that wreaks havoc on my heart and soul. He's got one eye closed and his tongue sticking out as he points his wand at me.</p><p>I playfully push his wand away and shake my head.</p><p>“Of <em>habit</em>. You're a crea-- no. You're a <em>person</em> of habit.” I correct myself before I wave my wand and make my burning victory vanish.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah. Whaddya want for dinner, Miss London?” He winks at me as I scoff.</p><p>“<em>Don't call me Miss London!</em>” We both shout at the same time, his a higher, teasing tone than mine. I slug him in the chest and he laughs, coughing while he grabs his torso.</p><p>“You're a creature of habit, too, Darling.” He chuckles, rubbing his chest up and down.</p><p>“One you haven't cracked yet since you can't seem to dodge my open hand assaults.” I counter, swinging my hand in jest at him and he pointed his wand at me like it was a sword. “You wouldn't dare..” I say, a challenging tone in my voice.</p><p>“Oh, I <em>have</em> cracked you, love. I'm just biding my time. Picking my battles. I'll catch you when you least expect it. That's what <em>Moony</em> is good at. Stalking prey. His keen senses are equipped for it. And in turn, so are mine.” He bites his lip as he swirls his wand in my face. I raise my own wand in his and grin.</p><p>“And you didn't like The Police song because it's quote unquote, stalking. How hypocritical of you." I joke, and at once Remus lowers his wand.</p><p>"It's just <em>not</em> a romantic song. And I hardly have to stalk you, love. You jumped at the slightest chance at me, remember?" He pushes my wand out of his face and pulls me into a kiss, grabbing my face and stroking my cheeks as he does so, filling me with a comforting warmth that would put Butterbeer to shame. "Not that I'm complaining. Now, for the second time, what do you want for dinner?"</p><p>"I was hoping you'd pick. But I'm too lazy after this lesson to cook so what's the Great Hall got?"</p><p>Remus chuckles and is shaking his head. He should've known I wasn't going to cook tonight. I almost feel bad that he wanted me too but I know we're going to be at this for ages. He bites his lip and sighs.</p><p>"Well, go on then. Give us a sniff." I tease and he raises his head, shooting a warning look at me before taking two quick breaths in. His face turns and he shakes his head.</p><p>"Chicken?" I ask with a little laughter, knowing he only goes sour for one thing. And his sour face is unfortunately adorable.</p><p>"<em>Chicken</em>." Disgust is thick in his voice. He shakes his head and growls. "So, I guess I'll be cooking then. But we'll figure that out after this.” Remus points towards the entrance. “Harry is rounding the corner.” Rem taps his nose and takes a sniff. “I can smell the sweat and dirt. He's fresh off the quidditch pitch. Smells exactly like his father used to." Remus straightens his cardigan while I try to put my hair up but can't seem to find a hair tie to do so and we'll need our wands. I stick my wand in my mouth, searching for anything to tie my hair away. Remus watches me for a second. He chuckles, waves his hand and in seconds, my hair is in a messy bun, bound together by magic. I spit my wand out from between my teeth and catch it.</p><p>"Thank you, babe.” I twirl my wand in my hand, excited for this evening's lesson. “Why doesn't Moony like chicken?" I ask curiously, walking over to the door, waiting for Harry and Remus just shrugs as he locks and unlocks the chest behind him over and over again.</p><p>His nerves are getting to him. Something I can't help but smile at. I rarely see this side of him.</p><p>"Dunno. He prefers red meat. I probably got into a chicken one night and he decided it wasnt his delicacy of choice. But shh..” He whispers, putting his finger over his pale pink lips. “Harry."</p><p>He gestures over to the doorway before traipsing around lighting the candles with a wave of his hand. I watch him do his beautiful wandless magic, as I always do, and sure enough, the room fills with the aroma of remnants of quidditch practice.</p><p>"Sorry Professor-- oh! Hi!" Harry stammers when he sees me. "<em>Professors</em>, Sorry. I should've known you'd be here.” Harry has that all knowing tone as well as the looks he is giving the both of us to match. Of course he knows about us. Safe to assume everyone has figured it out by now.</p><p>“Sorry for being late, Wood kept us on the pitch for extra practice. Hope you haven't been waiting long." He gives a sheepish smile and ruffles his hair as he fidgets back and forth. Almost identical nerves to that of his uncle Moony.</p><p>"Nahhhh. Just enough to beat Remus into submission in some Tic Tac Toe." I said with a smile, which made my beau sigh with defeat.</p><p>"Nice!" Harry said with a big grin. “Muggle born or?” He asks me, taking his wand and twirling it in his hands rather nimbly, a hint of arrogance in his moves. Same showboat flair that his Uncle Moony has, even if that is still unbeknownst to him. Gryffindor through and through. “I only ask because only a Muggle would know of Tic Tac Toe.” He adds quickly, as to not offend me.</p><p>As if I could be offended by my lineage.</p><p>“Yep. Mum and Dad were shocked when they realized I was a witch. Well, more Dad than Mum. Mum had a cousin that came here.” I smiled back at him before looking at Remus who was trying his best to maintain his crossed look at my Tic Tac Toe comment, his arms folded over his chest.</p><p>Harry smiles and nods. Innocence and light in all of his actions. It's a wonder he could keep his boyhood demeanor about him with the life he's been given. Still childlike. Still humble. Even after all he's been through in his short life.</p><p>“My Mum, Lily, was a muggle born too. Smartest in her class, I hear.” With Harry’s sentiment, Rem could only manage a crossed face for two seconds before smiling at me.</p><p>“<em>Second</em> smartest.” Remus said with a laugh. Harry looks over at him and raises his eyes. Remus chuckles quietly before putting his arm on the chest that is wobbling from the boggart. “Not that it came as natural to me. Spent <em>hours upon hours</em> in the library to best your mom. Something I hear she's managed to pass down to you.” A bittersweet moment floods Remus’ body before he quickly changes it to a great smile. “Though, she flew circles around me in Potions. I reckon she would you too, from what Severus has said.”</p><p>“Severus’ words should be taken with a grain of salt.” I added haughtily, disdain thick in my words. Harry catches on to that and looks at me, smiling. Almost appreciating that I hate that man almost more than Voldemort. I would venture with how Severus has been known to treat the boy, Harry feels the same.</p><p>“True. But Lily,” Remus retorts, changing the subject back to a more likeable being. “Lily could make a potion with her eyes closed and her hands tied behind her back, I reckon.” Remus lets his mancunian accent slip in momentarily before straightening his posture and clearing his throat. “Great partner too. Almost wouldn't want to make Amortentia with anyone else…” His words drift off as Harry looks from Remus to me, back and forth while my ears turn red and hot. “<em>Almost</em>.” Remus repeats, smiling before he slaps the chest and walks towards Harry.</p><p>"Well, as advertised, Miss London is an expert duelist. At least at Tic Tac Toe. But that is also why I've asked for her help here. She is far more familiar with dementors than I am, having worked with them the last three years. Isn't that right, Miss London?”</p><p>Remus shifts his soothing gaze from nervous Harry over to me and bites his lip. He's going to pay for those <em>Miss London</em> jabs. I quickly shoot him a look that tells him just as much before grinning at young Harry and smiling.</p><p>“Oh yeah.. <em>loads</em> of them! Though I mainly see them when I’m dropping off a prisoner at Azkaban. And don't worry, Harry, I almost passed out a time or two myself.”</p><p>The look on Harry's face went from smiling, to serious, to embarrassment in a matter of seconds and Remus seemed to grasp that I had said the wrong thing quicker than I had.</p><p>“Right, well. Let's get on with this. If that is okay with you, of course?” He asks Harry who seems stuck in my comment.</p><p>“It seems these dementors won't go away until someone catches that <em>murderer</em> and puts him back where he belongs.” The words fall from Harry's lips like oozing poison. Remus seems to flinch when he hears his lost nephew describe his lost mate as such. Pain is evident in both the boys and I suddenly realize just how poorly my words were chosen.</p><p>As only I can do.</p><p>“But until that happens, I need to be ready for the next time they come after me so yeah, I'll take all the help I can get. Thank you, Professors.”</p><p>Harry was trying to hide the apprehension and pain in his voice, I could tell. However, both were very thick, hanging in the air with his words.</p><p>“So…” Remus started, quick to diffuse the tension, pulling out his wand and indicating that Harry should do the same. “The spell I am going to try and reach you is highly advanced magic, Harry--” Harry looks over at him, wielding his wand while Remus and I do the same. “Well beyond the Ordinary Wizarding Level.”</p><p>Harry nods once, shifting his focus from Remus to the chest. Eyes set and stance widened. Ready to attack.</p><p>The hair stands on the back of my neck and my ears prick. Ready <em>for</em> attack.</p><p>“It is called the Patronus Charm.” Remus speaks softly but confidently, soothing my nerves instantly. I can only assume that his voice works to calm me so easily because of how I feel for him. He doesn’t seem to have the same effect on Harry.</p><p>“How does it work?” Harry’s trembling voice confirms my theory for me.</p><p>“Well,” Remus walks around me, placing his hand on the small of my back briefly, sending warmth radiating from my center throughout my body with a simple touch. “When it works correctly, it conjures a Patronus.” Rem looks down at the ground, smiling briefly before he steps towards Harry. “The Patronus is a kind of Anti-Dementor--- a guardian that acts as a shield between you and the Dementor.”</p><p>Harry nods while Remus steps behind him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder and squeezing. Harry straightens and swallows deep under Remus’ comforting touch.</p><p>“The Patronus is a positive force, a projection of the very things Dementors love to feed on-- hope, love, light, happiness. All of that. But--” Remus steps to Harry's side and looks down at him. “It cannot feel despair, as we can, so the Dementor can't hurt it. So, the Patronus allows the Dementor to feed on it instead of you.”</p><p>Harry looks up at his professor, Remus; His yet to be discovered uncle, and smiles. Remus looks at him for a few moments and I can see that he wants to protect him so fiercely. I see the love in his eyes. I see his determination. I see just how much he cares for this boy.</p><p>“But I must warn you, Harry, this charm might be too advanced for you. Many qualified wizards have difficulty with it. I struggled for a long time with mine.”</p><p>“Did--” Harry looks down at the floor and sighs. Remus puts a hand on his shoulder and looks down at him, prompting Harry to continue. “Did my parents have difficulty with it? I mean, I assume if you know how to and you were close with my mother and father, then they must have known how to as well.”</p><p>Remus smiles and nods before looking at the ceiling, staring up at it for several moments before sighing, nodding to himself and looking down at Harry.</p><p>“They did not. They were able to do the charm flawlessly.” Remus admitted with a hint of melancholy in his voice. “Yet another thing your mother bested me at.” He says, laughter riddling his words.</p><p>Harry stands up straight and smiles. The chest wobbles next to me and Harry returns to his determination, gripping his wand and straightening his robe. I can see in his body language that he believes that if they can do it, he can also be successful with it.</p><p>No words are needed.</p><p>“What does a Patronus look like?” Remus grins at Harry's question and I know that he came to the same conclusion I had and he's proud.</p><p>“Each one is unique to the wizard who conjures it.”</p><p>“And how do you conjure it?”</p><p>Remus steps back behind Harry.</p><p>“With an incantation, which will only work if you are concentrating with all your might, on a single, very happy memory.”</p><p>Harry closes his eyes and seems to search for a happy memory. Remus takes this time to look up and make eye contact with me. I give him a thumbs up and the brilliant smile he gives back to me makes my heart leap into my throat.</p><p>Harry nods, having settled on a memory.</p><p>“The incantation is this-- <em>Expecto Patronum</em>.” Remus enunciates each syllable softly as Harry repeats the incantation to himself over and over again. Remus lets him do this for a few seconds before walking to the chest and unlocking it with a wave of his hand.</p><p>“Concentrating hard on your happy memory?” He asks Harry who opens his eyes and swallows the lump in his throat.</p><p>“Oh. Right.” Harry stammers before he sets his footing and holds up his wand to the chest. “<em>Expecto Patronum</em>.” Harry closes his eyes and repeats the incantation over and over until a silver wisp whooshes out of the tip of his wand. “Did you see that?” Harry says excitedly. “Something came out! Was that it?!”</p><p>Remus grins and looks at me. He motions with his head for me to join Harry, which I do. I clap a hand on Potter’s back for encouragement.</p><p>“Very good.” Remus laments. “Now..” his grin falls and he looks down at the chest. “Ready to try it on the Dementor?” He asks Harry who raises his wand and nods, gripping his wand very tightly.</p><p>I grip mine, ready to step in if needed. Remus takes a quick glance to me and I give a very subtle nod. Remus nods back and opens the chest.</p><p>A Dementor floats out and immediately starts its descent on Harry. One rotten, bony hand reaches out of it's tattered, ragged cloak. A harsh cold wind causes the candles around us to flicker and extinguish. The room darkens, and with it so does my soul. I want to end this now. I want to speak the incantation. I want Remus to end it. Anything. But I know it would be futile. That's not what we came here for.</p><p>The Dementor sweeps towards Harry, drawing a sickly, rattling breath from it's rotten core.</p><p>Cold overwhelms me and I feel like I'll never be happy again. All of my training is screaming at me to jump in front of Harry to shield him but I know that he will never learn if I don't give him the chance to try.</p><p>“<em>Expecto Patronum!</em>” Harry yells but nothing happens. Harry closes his eyes and his wand is trembling.</p><p><em>Concentrate. Face your fear.</em> I silently plead but somehow I hear my pleads in Remus’ voice.</p><p>I glance at him and he's got his Cyprus wand gripped so tightly that his knuckles are white. He may even snap it if he flexes his hand just a tad more. He's encouraging Harry but I can't hear his words over the groaning the Dementor is doing.</p><p>“<em>Expecto Patronum..</em>” Harry’s incantation is weak and I can feel the despair taking over the both of us. “<em>Expecto…</em>”</p><p>Harry's hand loosens from his wand and it clatters to the ground. “<em>Expect…</em>” was all he got out before he is drained of all his color and his eyes roll in the back of his head.</p><p>Harry crumbles to the ground and the Dementor starts feeding on him. Harry is helpless, lying on the cold floor, unconscious and Remus starts to jump forward but he's not close enough to stop what's happening quick enough to not have lasting effects on the boy.</p><p>I close my eyes and I think of my happy thought.</p><p>“<em>My stars, I love you.</em>”</p><p>I smile as his soft, but confident voice fills me with warmth and love. I can hear it as if we were back in that lazy post transformation day. Remus with his bruised but beautiful torso taking a quick gasp in at the realization of what he has blurted out. My heart skipping a beat when I try to convince myself I made it up. Remus stammering when he explains that he does love me. The happy but terrifying feeling I had when I realized I wasn't crazy. There was something between us. Something extraordinary.</p><p>“<em>Expecto Patronum!</em>”</p><p>A large, silver wolf immediately bounds from my wand and hits the Dementor in the face, instantly drawing it back. The regal animal pounces at the Dementor, making it shriek as it draws back. Remus halts where he is, watching my magnificent wolf charge at her enemy, and he is looking paler than usual. Having watched Harry faint, I'm not surprised. He watches as my wolf forces the Dementor back into the chest.</p><p>I stop concentrating on my love for Remus and the memory of his declaration of love he had for me. The wolf walks over to him and bows. Remus watches as she sniffs his feet and nuzzles his hand holding the wand before she turns and runs away, melting into a mist. Remus looks from where it dissipates and then turns to me. He blinks a few times before I walk up and close the chest.</p><p>“<em>Your</em>…” He looks at me and there's no color to him. “<em>That</em>…” He tries to speak again but his voice cracks. He swallows hard and shakes his head. “<em>She was..</em>” I take his face in my hand and wipe sweat from his brow.</p><p>“Go check on Harry, dear.” I speak softly, looking into his eyes that seem to be searching mine for something. I know he's scared for what he watched Harry go through. So I try my best to put him at ease. “We knew this would happen. He'll be okay. I promise. Here…” I hand him a chocolate frog from my pocket. “Give this to him. But split it. You’re shaken yourself. I know this is hard. But Harry will be okay.”</p><p>“Harry!” He says suddenly as he blinks as if he suddenly remembered about the other person in this room. I try to stifle a chuckle. How could Rem forget about the entire reason we're here? Was he that traumatized? In an instant, Remus is at his side, picking Harry up and supporting him against his body.</p><p>I wave my hands and light the candles again as Remus strokes Harry’s face over and over, holding his limp body against his own. He softly starts calling his name repeatedly until Harry comes to.</p><p>“There you are..” Remus says with a slight sniffle, helping Harry sit up and regain his bearings. Harry moves off of Remus’ torso and shakes his head.</p><p>“Sorry..” Harry murmurs, sweat sliding down his cheek and neck. He rubs his forehead and Remus takes the time to do the same, wiping his eyes and cheeks. He dries his hands on his slacks. I walk forward and hand Harry a cloth to wipe his face.</p><p>“Are you alright?” Remus asks, which makes Harry nod.</p><p>“Yeah..” The boy pushes himself up on a desk and leans against it, still feeble on his feet. “Thanks.” He sheepishly offers me gratitude, trying to give me back my cloth. I shake my head and motion for him to keep it. Remus stands to join him and with shaking hands, opens a chocolate frog and splits it.</p><p>“Here..” He hands half to Harry. “Eat this before we try again.” Harry stares at the chocolate for a moment before nodding. “I didn't expect you to get it on your first try. That would have been extraordinary.” Harry and Remus take a bite of the chocolate at the same time. Harry focuses on the candle beside him, playing with the flame while Remus stares at me.</p><p>I give a sympathetic smile and Remus furrows his brows at me. This is just as hard on him as it is Harry, it seems. There's still questions swimming in his eyes but he doesn't have time to ask any before Harry confides in us.</p><p>“It's getting worse.” Harry mumbles, mouth full of chocolate frog. “I could hear her louder this time. My mum. I could hear her. And Voldemort.”</p><p>Remus is just as pale as ever, his color very slow to come back even though he is eating the chocolate. Harry is tinged pink in the cheeks but the same couldn't be said for Remus. He was shaken to the core. I didn't expect him to take everything this hard.</p><p>We’ll be discussing tonight once we get home.</p><p>“Harry, if you don't wish to continue I will more than understand…” Remus offers softly.</p><p>“No!” Harry fiercely shouts, spitting pieces of chocolate everywhere. He wipes his pants and Remus sleeve before stuffing the rest in his mouth. “We must go on!” He insists, his mouth stuffed full of chocolate. His cheeks are rosy and he stands tall. “What if the Dementors show up at my match against Ravenclaw? I can't pass out this time. If we lose, we lose the Quidditch cup!”</p><p>Remus finishes his half of the frog and nods solemnly. His face is finally starting to change from pale to bubblegum pink at least.</p><p>“Alright then..” Remus conceded. “You may want to pick another memory, a very happy memory, a very strong memory. That one doesn't seem very strong. If it's not too much, may I ask what it was?”</p><p>Harry smiles sheepishly. “The first time I rode a broom.”</p><p>Remus was walking towards the chest when he turned abruptly, his face in a scowl. He gave a scoff and then a chuckle.</p><p>“Well, that's not good enough. Not <em>nearly</em> good enough. You need to find a <em>very happy,</em> <em>very strong</em> memory before I open this chest again. Now..” He lowered his eyes and raised his hand, pointing his index finger and thumb at Harry.</p><p>“Close your eyes. Concentrate.”</p><p>Harry closes his eyes and takes a deep breath in, stabilizing himself. Another deep breath in through his nose and out through his mouth. Remus takes this time to look at me. His emerald eyes find mine and he tilts his head as he sits on the chest.</p><p>“Explore your past.”</p><p>Remus stands up and walks straight to me. He moves a stray hair out of my face and tucks it behind my ear.</p><p>“Do you have a memory?”</p><p>In my peripheral, Harry nods and smiles. Meanwhile, Remus and I are staring into each other's eyes. I see the questions in his eyes and they are starting to take shape before me. He takes my head in his hands and runs his thumbs over my bottom lip, staring down at them as he continues to instruct Harry.</p><p>“Allow it to fill you up.” The ‘<em>p</em>’ of the last word pops from his lips and I can feel his warmth enveloping me. I kiss his thumb as it makes another sweep across my lips. “Lose yourself within it.” He says softly as he closes his eyes and lets his hand fall down to my sternum where he thumbs the moon charm he gave me for Christmas.</p><p>He leans down and kisses the spot under my ear silently before whispering as quietly as he can.</p><p>“<em>Your Patronus is a wolf.</em>”</p><p>I close my eyes and try not to moan when his lips brush the sensitive skin on my neck. Harry is lost in concentration and doesn't seem to hear this private conversation. He is blissfully unaware of his Professor unraveling me from my very core.</p><p>“<em>You’re in love with me, too.</em>”</p><p>Remus’ words make me catch my breath and my heart stops. Without saying it, he's confirmed that he is in love with me. For real this time, not an accidental blurt. He leans back and the questions in his eyes are gone. What's been said was a certainty.</p><p>As certain is the fact that he is a brilliant and beautiful wizard.</p><p>As certain as the fact that I am undeserving of someone so incredible in my life.</p><p>As certain as the fact that he is a werewolf.</p><p>As certain as the fact that the boy sharing the room with us is the wizarding world's only hope for defeating Voldemort.</p><p>As certain as the fact that, yes, I <em>am</em> in love with him, too.</p><p>Remus smiles at me, thumbs my moon once more before backing up and walking around Harry to finish this lesson.</p><p>“Then, speak the incantation. <em>Expecto</em> <em>Patronum.”</em></p><p>Harry repeats it again and Remus gives one last look at me, purses his lips in a kiss to me and then nods.</p><p>“<em>Very good.</em>” Remus walks towards the chest and gets out his wand. “Shall we?”</p><p>Harry nods while I'm still lost in the moment Rem and I just had. Remus just confirmed what I've known for quite a while but was too scared to admit. Too scared to question out of fear of being mistaken.</p><p>But I <em>wasn't</em> mistaken.</p><p>
  <em>Remus Lupin is in love with me. And I, him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'm in love.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We're in love.</em>
</p><p>“Wand at the ready..”</p><p>Remus’ words fade away as all three of us grip our wands when the Dementor whooshes out of his confined space.</p><p>But there is one more thing for certain.</p><p>We're <em>definitely</em> going to pick up where we left off when we get home.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry for being absent so long! Life has gotten in the way and I've been dealing with a few losses in my life. But I'm back and I hope this is good! Let me know!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. These Arms Of Mine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The dam finally breaks.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>And if you<br/></em>
  <em>Would let me hold you<br/>Oh, how grateful I will be </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“These Arms of Mine” - Otis Redding</em>
</p><hr/><p><br/>The walk back to our room was a silent one, hand in hand.</p><p>A silent, <em>brisk</em> walk because I needed to get us behind closed doors. Fast.</p><p>Every part of me was resisting the urge to take off at a dead sprint. Resisting the urge to push her into one of dark corridors and snog like a couple of teenagers. Resisting the urge to tear her clothes off before we can even make it back to our room.</p><p>But I manage to maintain a modicum of respect.</p><p><em>Barely</em>.</p><p>My heart is thumping so hard, I think Callie may be able to hear it. One thing is for sure, I can definitely hear hers. Thanks to Moony, I can smell that she's excited and scared.</p><p>Which is understandable, I am too.</p><p>But it’s a good scared. It’s a <em>brilliant</em> scared. The butterflies you get before your first practice duel. The nerves you feel before your first date. Or the winter ball.</p><p>I suppose the same butterflies one would feel before riding a broom. I never did but Prongs and…</p><p>Well, the boys always said they felt this way before a Quidditch match. Me? I just felt like I wished I could wave my wand and have it be over already.</p><p>But in this moment with Callie, I understand what they must’ve felt about something so <em>utterly</em> important to them.</p><p>Like she is to me.<br/>Like Lily was to Prongs.<br/>Like..</p><p>
  <em>Well..</em>
</p><p>It feels like the first time and to be quite honest, it might as well be. It’s been..</p><p>
  <em>Twelve years.</em>
</p><p>Twelve years since I’ve felt this way about anyone and I’ve spent all of them wondering if I ever would again. Arrogantly believing that I never would. That I didn’t deserve this.</p><p>Somewhere, deep down, that arrogance is still here. Probably in the same deep, dark space within that I’ve buried Moony for the time being.</p><p>“Do you want me to cook.. or…”</p><p>I blink and I’m immediately aware that we’re coming up to our door. I swallow hard and shake my head before slowing down and opening the door for Callie.</p><p>“No.”</p><p>I let her in and watch as she walks into what I’ve affectionately begun to coin our lair. She sets her wand down on the counter and turns to look at me.</p><p>I’m still standing in the doorway, leaned against it. Watching her. Watching her face as confusion washes over it just for a split second before she makes eye contact with me. I take a deep breath in and I know it’s written all over me. My face. My body language. The way I’m looking at her.</p><p>I know because her face softens and I see the moment of realization wash over her. The recognition of the moment.</p><p>The moment we’ve both been waiting for.</p><p>“<em>Oh</em>.” She says simply. She looks around the room, her hands going into her pockets as she takes a few steadying breaths in. “Okay..” Callie’s voice is trembling but I still don’t smell any fear. That’s good. She starts to remove my jumper she stole and I shake my head.</p><p>“No.” Before I know it, I’m across the room and my hands are on hers, stopping her from undressing. She scowls at me but allows me to put it back on for her.</p><p>“<em>Do you——</em>“ Cobalt eyes meet mine and the eye contact makes my heart pang. I swallow the lump in my throat and almost smile when I hear hers skip a beat and a sweet scent permeates the space between us.</p><p>My ears prick and chills flood my body. I cock my head and take a quick breath in. She smiles as she watches my reaction to this new sense evading my body.</p><p>“Do you want to talk about this?” She whispers, taking my hands in hers and intertwining them.</p><p>I close my eyes and can hear her heart racing in time with mine. The sweetness has overtaken what is usually purely Callie. It has changed from summer and risks to..</p><p>“Or can we just go straight to bed?” Her warm words drip from her lips like honey, painting my ears and sending a shiver down my spine. The blood rushes from my head, down my body and in an instant my eyes pop open to find her moving back to stare at me.</p><p><em>Arousal</em>.</p><p>I grin and what’s been missing from me for over a decade hits me like a spell I never saw coming. I place my hand on her neck and pull her up to me. She closes her eyes and purses her lips. I smirk, rubbing my thumb from her throat, up her jaw and then pull down her pillowy bottom lip before leaning down and brushing her lips with mine.</p><p>“Go lay down.” I command against them, squeezing the back of her neck firmly. She tries to kiss me and I lean back, denying her this simple pleasure for now. Callisto’s eyes flutter open and she moans. I swallow down the instinct to take her right her and let go of her, turning her to guide her down the hallway.</p><p>She turns and watches me while she slinks towards the bed. I take off my cardigan and shirt, draping them over my chair. I reach for my belt and slide it through my loops. I grip it in my hand and walk towards her, that sweet scent is overwhelming me.</p><p>Hanging in the air between us.</p><p>Callisto reaches for her jumper and I shake my head again.</p><p>“I’ll be doing that.” I husk, closing the distance between us. I point behind her before I lean down and kiss her neck, fiery to the touch. The blood rushing beneath my lips excites me and I nip at the delicate skin. “Lie down on the bed for me, darling.”</p><p>I know I said that I didn’t want the wolf to be any part of this and for the most part, I’m keeping him at bay. But there is something incredibly satisfying about being obeyed.</p><p><em>Submission</em>.</p><p>Being in control.</p><p>I’ve never been in control.</p><p>I must admit, it is <em>intoxicating</em>.</p><p>I close my eyes and listen to the padding of delicate footsteps. In a few seconds, the squeak of a bed spring lets me know I’m alone. I take advantage of this moment and open my eyes. I look up at the ceiling and gather my nerves, taking deep breaths in. I pick up what has always been Callie, apple and the notes of her own arousal. Somewhere, an open window tells me that rain is coming. There’s subtle hints of the Whomping Willow’s foliage, the heavy scent of rain and the electricity of an oncoming storm.</p><p>And now, I smell fear. <em>My</em> fear.</p><p>It’s been twelve years since I’ve been intimate with anyone. Sure, I’ve had flings and one offs, mostly to feed the needs of the wolf. But it’s been ages since I’ve been vulnerable with someone. Ages since it’s meant something. Ages since I’ve..</p><p>
  <em>Made love.</em>
</p><p>Even the most dominant of beings would have issues with that. I especially do.</p><p>A shaky breath rattles away from my chest and in this moment of vulnerability, I hear my saving grace.</p><p>“Remus, honey. Come to bed.”</p><p>I’ve never wanted anyone more than I do in this moment. I’ve wanted someone just the same but this is different. That was a different time. That was a different circumstance. That was a different person. Perhaps just as taboo. But I was not the person in control then and I’m not sure if I can be in control now. My internal struggle is interrupted by a squeak of a bedspring and padding feet.</p><p>I close my eyes and shake my head when the scent of spent magic and confusion surrounds me. Ice cold hands touch my chest and I hang my head. Her warm lips find my temple and she speaks softly. I open my eyes and stare down at her fingers caressing my newest silvery scar. I’m trying to find the courage and the strength to take her and walk into our room and show Callie exactly how I feel about her.</p><p>Just how in love with her I am.</p><p>And <em>Merlin</em>, I <em>am</em> in love with this woman.</p><p>“<em>Rem</em>..” She whispers, taking her finger from my scar and coaxing my chin up to look at her. Her expression softens and she gives a knowing smile. Trying to soothe me. “Is it--- Is it the wolf? Too close to a moon still?” I shake my head and bite my lip. “Are you spent from the boggart?” Again, I deny that. “Are you in pain?” Another denial. “Okay..” Callisto looks down at the floor for a moment before subtly nodding. “Is it me?” She finally asks me.</p><p>I tilt my head and pull her to me, gripping my jumper she is wearing and putting our foreheads together. “<em>Absolutely not. You.</em>.” I let go of the wool sweater and slide my hands up her arms until her face is being held in my hands. “You’re perfect.” I lament, letting my gaze take in what is simply Callisto. Her messy hair in its bun, the silver scars of her own from her hairline to her eyebrow. And those stunning ice blue eyes of hers that have captivated me from day one.</p><p>Callie was the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on.</p><p>The moon washed over her perfectly for just a moment before disappearing behind a storm cloud. A low, rumbling thunder rolled outside our walls and she sighed, bringing her hand up to caress my cheek.</p><p>“You’re beautiful.” She whispers, much like she did the night we became a couple. The night she found out who I really was. The night she proved to me that I was absolutely undeserving of her in every way. I shake my head and scoff, looking away from her for a split second before she grabs my chin and pushes my gaze back to hers. “Remus, you <em>are</em> beautiful. Don't ever imply differently.” She pushes my hair back and then slides her hand down my cheek, to my mustache. She gently smiles. “Not in front of me.” She says simply.</p><p>“You’re mad.” I whisper back before kissing her forehead. “But, I’ll respect that.” A slight chuckle in my voice when I tell her that.</p><p>“We can be mad together.” She offers, her warm breath on my neck leaving goosebumps when it mixes with the glisten of nervous sweat on my skin. I lean down and give her a deep, but soft kiss, feeling my thumbs fall from her jaw, down her neck before sliding down her ribs and stopping when they reach her hips.</p><p>I go to ease my fingertips under her clothing but I hesitate again, feeling the uncertainty of my confidence rear its ugly head once more.</p><p>“Rem, we don’t have to do this.” She whispers against my temple. “If you don’t want to.” Callie’s words fall to my clavicle, her lips brushing against my scarred collarbone apprehensively. I grip her hip and lean my head down against hers. I let out a sigh and watch the free wisps of her hair float away briefly, influenced by my nerves.</p><p>“I want to do this more than you know, Cal. It’s just that..” I feel my chest puff up as I take the deepest breath in, gathering the courage I need in this moment as her loving arms reach up and pull me closer. That makes me even more scared because what I’m about to say may make this the last embrace we ever share. But I find the strength to say it anyway.</p><p>“I haven’t made love to anyone in a long time.” I look into her eyes one more time before finishing the confession. “In… <em>twelve</em> <em>years</em>, actually.” Her eyes dart back and forth, searching mine before I can’t take it anymore.</p><p>“Twelve years?” She asks as I clench my eyes shut, waiting for the hammer to fall. Waiting for her to realize what that means. “Twelve ye…” Her words drift off and her arms fall from my waist and I instantly feel the cool, rainy air waft between us. “<em>Oh</em>.” The realization hits and I feel her pull away but I cannot bring myself to let go of her hips even though I know she is about to walk away.</p><p>I close my eyes tighter and swallow down my fear and heartache.</p><p>“<em>Sirius</em>..” She whispers briefly before taking a breath in and clearing her throat. “Seriously?” I hear her timid voice ask and I feel myself nod as I gulp again.</p><p>“Seriously.” I whisper back, slumping in my posture. I feel more cool, electrically charged air blow in between us and I prepare myself for the possibility of her grabbing her things and leaving.</p><p>Instead, I’m surprised to feel those icy hands of hers caress my cheek. Fingers glide down my facial scars and across my lips. “That’s beautiful, darling.”</p><p>I slowly open my eyes, my eyebrows furrowing and tears stinging my eyes as I stare down at the incredible woman before me. She smiles, putting her hands on my chest and lightly caressing the scars that rip across my skin there. “I know..’ She starts, studying the scattered rips and tears that tattoo themselves all over my body. “..that this must be frightening and difficult for you to confide in me. And I thank you for trusting me with that.”</p><p>I silently plead for her to look up at me and as if she was practicing legilimency, she does. But I know the only magic here is the fact that she is still here before me and not slapping me and running away. She smiles slowly and sighs.</p><p>“So trust me when I say that we can go as fast..” Callisto laughs a little, easing my fears as fast as she had brought them to life. “..or as slow as you like.” She runs her fingers down the scar that divides me from shoulder to hip and I watch as she does so. “You are in charge, Remus.” I take a deep, trembling breath and swallow down my anxiety.</p><p>
  <em>These arms of mine</em>
  <br/>
  <em>They are lonely</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Lonely and feeling blue</em>
  <br/>
  <em>These arms of mine</em>
  <br/>
  <em>They are yearning</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Yearning from wanting you</em>
</p><p>“<em>Heh</em>..” I laugh, tears flowing freely down my cheeks now as she brings up her free hand and wiggles her fingers in front of my face to show me that she is the reason why Otis Redding is filling our place right now.</p><p>“All you have to do is say stop.” She whispers before biting her lip, her hands falling down to the tops of my hips. One is higher than the other, that damned bad hip of mine. But, the second I feel the calming, soothing cool of her hands on my sensitive, hyper aware skin, I feel a calamity overtake me. It was the calamity I have been searching for my entire life, and all along and unsurprisingly, it had been in front of me for quite sometime now. In a beautiful, bold witch named Callisto London.</p><p>“I..” I start, closing my eyes in embarrassment of my next confession but I feel safe. “I might not last.” I admit feebly, but I feel Callie’s grip squeeze my sides.</p><p>“I don't care.” Her kiss softly breathes into my neck.</p><p>“I care.” The truth stilts in my chest before stumbling out in more of a whisper than a statement while she kisses gently across my collarbone.</p><p>“And I care about you. It doesn’t matter.” Callisto’s words vibrate against my sternum and I don’t know whether it is that sensation, her words, or the realization that someone could actually love me again, but my heart feels something it hasn’t felt in over a decade. It might as well have been another lifetime.</p><p>Most days, it feels like it was.</p><p>“I’m just..” I pause as the tips of her fingers caress my hip bone, sliding along the lines leading to my groin to tease the top of my slacks, making me squirm. “I’m sorry if it ruins..”</p><p>Cold fingers stop at the top of my staggered hips once more. “Remus?” She grips just under my ribs and looks into my eyes.</p><p>“Yes, darling?” I can see the moon make a brief reappearance in her eyes and just make out the cobalt rings before the lightning flashes in her eyes, taking my focus.</p><p>“When I say that I don’t care about that..” She says with a raised eyebrow. “I mean I don’t care about that. Stop being a prat.” I go to open my mouth and speak against this but she stops me with a finger against my lips. “And stop talking.” She says, finality in her voice. I feel my sides twitch under her touch. The longer her hand stays, the softer her touch becomes and the less I can continue resisting.</p><p>I grin against her fingers and wonder if my next utterance is going to get me another Imperius Curse thrown my way, but..</p><p>
  <em>And if you would let them hold you</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Oh how grateful I will be</em>
  <br/>
  <em>These arms of mine</em>
  <br/>
  <em>They are burning</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Burning from wanting you</em>
  <br/>
  <em>These arms of mine</em>
  <br/>
  <em>They are wanting</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Wanting to hold you</em>
</p><p>“You’re incredible and I don’t deserve you. At all.” I whisper as arousal begins to wash over the both of us again, fear and nerves falling to the wayside.</p><p>“You would know all about how I feel then, wouldn’t you, darling?” She laments in a soft whisper, smiling back at me. Thunder claps and rain starts to fall, pricking my sense and making Callie close her eyes in relief.</p><p>“<em>That first thunderclap. The release when the rain falls. It’s peaceful. Everything is quieted. I don’t know. You can read a book, listen to music, lay outside in it. I just love rain.</em>”</p><p>The words from the first drunken talk we ever had together echoes in my ears as I stare down at her. I reckon you could make love for the first time to rain too, and it would make us both love it even more.</p><p>I want the safety of her hands all over my body. I want them to take care of me, provide a sanctuary for my torturous soul.</p><p>“<em>I am so in love with you.</em>”</p><p>A hushed voice falls from her lips and if I had to pinpoint it, I wouldn’t have been able to identify it as hers besides the fact that my lips were far too busy leaving their mark on her skin. No one had ever said it to me like that before and while I was busy marking my territory, her words took their claim on my soul. No matter how damned it may be, from this point on, it was hers.</p><p>I tried to breathe as we tangled into each other, stumbling back into our bedroom and falling to the bed. Her fingers find my zipper and pull, with a quick yank, my slacks are pooled around my ankles. I kick them off while I pull off my jumper she is wearing. She sits up, taking off her Wicked Sisters shirt and throwing it behind her. My hands slide up her torso, quickly finding the clasp on her brassiere and flicking it open. The silky nude material falls between us and I stare down at her breasts, taking a moment to admire her beauty before my lips are all over her supple ivory skin. Callie moans into my hair, tugging it as her hot breath paints my skin. She kicks my knickers down to my ankles with her feet and I lift her against me as I rip hers off her hips.</p><p>My briefs fall to the floor and we both stop and stare into each other's eyes. Callisto smiles and nips at my lips before falling back against our pillows and studying my face. I smile back at her and kiss the scar on her hairline with as much passion as I could muster.</p><p>Callie’s fingers, now fiery with arousal instead of the usual icicles, trace the scars on my face with the most loving look I have ever seen. She pulls me down and kisses down the length of them, not missing a single inch of them. I search her body and find that, like me, she also has several scars from dark magic. Unlike me, they are not of her doing, but of leftover curses thrown at her. I take my time to touch and appreciate all of them, just as she is doing with mine.</p><p>“Callisto..” I whisper, intertwining my legs with her, settling between her legs. She stops kissing an aged rip across my ribs and looks up at me.</p><p>“I love you so much.” I say, boldly. Confidently. Callisto searches my eyes for something and after a few seconds, tears fill her eyes and she nods. She puts her hand through my hair and half laughs, half cries.</p><p>“I love you more.” She whispers, before gripping the back of my neck and pulling me down into a passionate kiss. I lift her off the bed and my staggered hips meet hers, gently pushing through the wall that had been holding us back for so long, rain pelting the window as we give ourselves to each other.</p><p>
  <em>Come on, come on baby</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Just be my little woman</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Just be my lover</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Oooh</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I need me somebody</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Somebody to treat me right</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I need your arms</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Loving arms to hold me tight.</em>
</p><p>“<em>Mmm. Rem--</em>” Her breath stutters as she arches up, her torso meeting mine as I slip into oblivion with her. “--<em>us</em>.” I smile into a moan as my name falls from her lips.</p><p>
  <em>The most beautiful sound in the world.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. I’ll Be Your Lover, Too</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>There’s sexual content in this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>You’ll be my Queen<br/>I’ll be your King<br/>I’ll be your lover, too.</em>
</p><p>”<em>I’ll Be Your Lover, Too” - Van Morrison</em></p><hr/><p>Acoustic guitar riffs sharply invade my comforting bubble and I groan as I roll over. I let my arm search for the inviting warmth that is Remus. Instead, I find a lukewarm divot on his side of the bed. My eyes flutter open and I let my eyes adjust to the darkness. Every few seconds, lightning flashes, lighting up our room. I smile at the trail of clothes haphazardly tossed about. A few flasks are laying about his chest of drawers. The blankets and sheets are scattered on the floor, leading out to the hallway.</p><p>It’s still relatively dark, time stuck somewhere between the edges of a stormy night and the hint of morning somewhere off in the distance. I slowly roll over, pulling his favorite hippogriff feather pillow to me and hug my body into it. My lips rest against the cool silk pillowcase and I smile into it when I hear the timbre of my favorite tenor voice rasping through the hallway with the guitar floating in behind it.</p><p>“<em>I’ll be your man. I’ll understand.</em>”</p><p>I roll over, sighing when happily sore muscles move to grab one of the discarded blankets and cover my bare body. I lay on my back, biting my thumb when last night flashes before my eyes in incredible slow motion. The flashes are as if my life is replaying before me, and if it is, it is obvious that my life as I’ve known it both began and ended with Remus Lupin.</p><p>He was so careful, so timid. He was sincere and passionate, but reserved, and rightfully so. While it had been a bit for me, it had been even longer for him and he was doing his best to make it perfect. It had also been a new experience for him. The last time having been with..</p><p><em>Sirius</em>.</p><p>That had to be difficult in itself, having a new experience, nevertheless that it was with a woman. But with a woman whose parents had been murdered by his last partner. His last..</p><p><em>Lover</em>.</p><p>I close my eyes and live in another moment that flashes before my eyes.</p><p>He was a bundle of nerves hovering over me, but what would reduce most into a stumbling, awkward mess had brought about pure brilliance in my beautiful man.</p><p>“<em>I love you</em>.” I had whispered as I stared into his eyes, trying my best to clear any uncertainty that was clouding his usual, warm emerald gaze.</p><p>“<em>Do you?</em>” He panted against my neck as his kisses trailed from my lips to my chest. “<em>Don't leave me.</em>” He pleaded as I ran my fingers through his hair while he held my hips down and kissed below my belly button.</p><p>“I won’t. I never would.” I promised in a moan as I arched my back, writhing beneath him as he tended to my every need.</p><p>“I’ll do my best to take good care of you.” I opened my eyes out of the memory and stared up at the ceiling, watching the lightning create shadows of the rain streams pattering against our bedroom window. Remus singing was a top five sound in my life. In front of a thunderstorm, the sound a pygmy makes, and the whoosing a proper charm exudes and right behind him telling me that he loves me.</p><p>“<em>You’ll be my Queen. I'll be your King.</em>”</p><p>His raspy tenor makes me feel all warm and happy inside. Like you took all the Butterbeer in the world and drank it in front of a fireplace on a snowy night.</p><p>“<em>Please</em>.” I close my eyes as I remember last night and his pleads.</p><p>The strong exterior that Remus tried so hard to maintain had disappeared last night. In his place was Remus and everything his life had made him become. He was vulnerable and tragically broke, but it wasn’t anything that would cause me to flee.</p><p>I saw something beautiful in the strength he possessed to continue, to go on after his best mate, his lover had betrayed the rest of their chosen, tight knit family. After the murder of Lily and James. After living his life as an outcast. After being alone for all this time. His world had done its best to tear him down but he pressed on. The flaws in him and the scars he carried, both physically and emotionally were beautiful.</p><p><em>He</em> was beautiful and somehow he was mine. All mine and pleading with me to never leave him. In that moment, I fully understood why. Everyone else had left him.</p><p>“I will take care of you.” I confessed to both him and myself.</p><p>“<em>I’ll be your lover, too.</em>”</p><p>Remus sang, echoing my own sentiments. And that’s what we became last night. <em>Lovers</em>. In every possible meaning.</p><p>After I had promised to take care of him and never leave, Remus had come back up to kiss me. I didn’t have time to ask if he was sure he wanted to do this before he had pushed up and in, taking both of our breaths away as we stilled against each other. Remus gasped and then looked down at where we were one, swallowing hard before he looked up at me and took a deep breath.</p><p>Remus closed his eyes and wrapped my legs around him. I shifted slightly, grateful for his pause to reacquaint himself with the sensation because he was well endowed. Quite a man as I had already known but I needed the few seconds for the initial ache to go away.</p><p>I pulled him down to my body so that his weight wasn’t being held by the shoulder he had trouble with since the last transformation. When I did so, he slipped right where we both wanted him to be. Another gasp fell from his lips and a whimper caught in his throat while I bit down on my lip, quieting a moan. I caressed his back lightly and wrapped my right leg around his bad hip to cushion it, and intertwined his legs with mine.</p><p>“Breathe, baby. Just breathe.” I had whispered into his ear, kissing his glistening temple. He softly nodded, his blonde and gray hair tickling my sensitive skin when he pressed his forehead to my breastbone. I could feel his warm breath brush my skin time and time again until he started to relax against my body and leave small kisses wherever his lips could reach.</p><p>“Callie, darling.” The passion seeping through his velvet voice that had moments before been panicked.</p><p>“Are you okay?” I had questioned, letting my breath out slowly, wanting to keep the simmering burn out of my voice, or at least hold it at bay so he wouldn’t notice and worry. At the same moment, he murmured and I didn’t understand what he meant until he pushed in further.</p><p>Desire began to radiate through our intertwined bodies and the want and tension that had brewed between us for the last several months together unraveled. It had been like a storm between us, much like the one pounding outside our room.</p><p>Powerful, electric, and it had been building until it got to the point of no return and all at once, without warning, released with a spark of passion and a flood of emotions.</p><p>I can still feel his warmth surrounding me, breath falling against my glistening lips as he inched his way in, taking it as slow as he needed to go. I had known it would be and to be perfectly honest, we had both needed it. I remember taking in a faltering breath and smiling as Remus offered a barely audible and unnecessary apology.</p><p>“How am I…” He started to ask and I knew he wanted me to tell him if I was enjoying myself but he couldn’t get the words out. All of his energy was going into this moment. But, as I had said, Remus was brilliant and we didn’t need words to communicate to each other how much we were enjoying this moment. We were connected, on a physical level, and if it exists amongst all this magic, a spiritual level as well.</p><p>“<em>Derry down green. Color of my dreams. A dream that’s daily coming true.</em>”</p><p>Remus continued to provide the apt soundtrack to my reliving of our lovemaking. I was completely immersed in being back in the throes of last night. The pulling back and gasping at a momentary loss before he would dip back in, the slow burn taking over once more. His weight a little lighter and the aftershock a little cooler as a long, drawn out moan would break the silence.</p><p>It wasn’t until this replay in my mind that I realized it wasn’t him or I exalting alone, but both of us combining harmoniously as we lost ourselves in the moment, and in each other. Arms would slip under me as I would arch into his dipping hips, a stuttered but steady rhythm achieved as best as two broken bodies could do. His groans would overpower mine, seduction thick in his voice.</p><p>Eyes would lock and for a moment warm, emerald would meet cold blue and know that they belonged together. Even if it were brief in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t matter. Time seemed to stop. For the moment. For the gesture. For <em>us</em>.</p><p>I remember blinking, furrowing my brows slightly, silently asking if he was okay. A smile forced a blink and a tear falls past his full lashes, falling against my chest before a different need filled his perfect gaze.</p><p><em>Need</em>.</p><p>“<em>I’ll tell you when the day is through. I will come to you and tell you of your… oh your many charms.</em>”</p><p>I smile as his raspy voice sings louder, filling me with utter bliss.</p><p>Hips had met quicker after that, the give and take of it all. This time its his gasp that sends electric currents through me, not the storm outside the window. Goosebumps igniting, hair rasing. Senses heighten and I start to wonder if this is what it feels like for him when Moony comes out during a cycle.</p><p>Bodies grasping for each other, involuntarily at the moment it seems, but it would be the ultimate betrayal if we ever were to resist this pure, wonderful feeling ever again with our own free will. Remus’ breath came out broken, mirroring what he was any other moment, but his brokenness was no longer apparent as he moved passionately with me.</p><p>Remus was a gifted man, every stroke painting a different emotion onto our bodies. Small, soft admissions of pleasure fell from both of our lips as he slipped out, only keeping our connection by mere centimeters at most. I remember his hand leaving my back momentarily to move my leg. This slight adjustment had made me see stars. A sigh of relief stuttered from his throat in the same exact moment that his name rang off our walls. My throat warm from my call, interrupting the creak of an old, worn mattress against a castle wall. I turned my head to the side and smiled as he grasped his sheets in a death grip. He swallowed deeply, a moan cut off when he took a much needed breath in.</p><p>“<em>And you’ll look at me with eyes that see and we will melt into each other’s arms.</em>”</p><p>Fingers had intertwined with mine and squeezed as Remus took his nose and coaxed my chin up so that I was looking into his eyes once more. The way my vision blurred and our world began to distort, I knew we were nearing the end.</p><p>“<em>Cal</em>..” His husky pant had urged me as he buried his face into the crook of my neck, taking little nips of my neck before biting at my bottom lip, tugging with a lovely pain. The sweet but salty taste of our skin making its home on my lips. He found a hidden talent as his knee slipped on the sheet and a stutter of his hips made a quick save. He caught himself on his elbow and the new position made both of our backs arch and we found each other, indistinguishable moans resonate from the both of us and while it had no clear meaning, it was certainly made in agreement.</p><p>“<em>Reach out for me so I can be alright. The one who’s always reaching out for you. Yes I will.</em>”</p><p>“Cal..” His sweet nickname for me had rang out in a certain urgency. When I fluttered my eyes open to look at his face, I was met with an universal look. Hooded emerald eyes but meaning very clear. His eyes stayed fixated on mine until I take my hand out of his and caress his scars. I pull his face down so I can kiss them. I take his hand and place it between us before I murmur a protection spell.</p><p>Remus licks his lips and swallows before he also murmurs the same spell. Magic pricks my nose and tingles through my body. The scent of it mixes with what is purely Remus and his lips waste no time finding mine again. Pace quickens and various wonderful noises interchange with gasps and calls out to every powerful wizard and deity known to us.</p><p>Toes curl and fists grip the sheets as we meet time and time again before Remus smiles at the sound of a prayer falling from my lips. He answers the prayer with one last dip and my name is either stilted with pleasure, laughter, or a fantastic mixture of both. He kisses my lips as shutters roll through our bodies before he stops, collapsing into me and gasping for air as if it were our first breath into a new life.</p><p>And perhaps it was.</p><p>“<em>You’ll be my Queen. I’ll be your King. And I’ll be your lover, too.</em>”</p><p>I smile as Remus’ acoustic guitar and his shaky vibrato fills our quarters on this late night into early morning. I take a deep, satisfied breath in and smile again as tea and chocolate invigorate my senses. Something that I hope would become a permanent fixture in my life. I relish in it for a moment more before rolling to his side of the bed and slowly sitting up. I reach forward for his tattered Stones tee and grin when I feel the accomplished twinge of slightly pulled muscles. I absolutely want to go back to bed and sleep this off a little longer, but I am not about to spend one more second in this bed without the man who belonged by my side to share it with. I turn and look for the gray sheet and laugh when I find it missing.</p><p>I look over back at our discarded clothes and then back to the bed before I decide to pull the black fitted sheet off of the mattress. I wrap the silk around my body, sticking two corners under my arms and let the other two fall around my calves to create a silken gown of sorts. I tuck the front in between my breasts and grab Remus’ wand off the end table.</p><p>“<em>Lumos</em>.” I whisper before walking out and following the sound of his guitar wailing in the living room.</p><p>
  <em>Girl you’re looking fine tonight<br/>And every guy has got you in his sights</em>
</p><p>Remus’ back is flexing with every chord he’s playing. Muscles ripple under his pale skin. My eyes fall from his messy hair to the silvery scars on his neck and back. Some of them rip through his body, while others are faded and pinker. <em>Human</em> scarring, not from dark magic.</p><p>I chuckle when I find the gray sheet around his waist and his ears perk. I see his cheeks round and he turns, smiling at me. His grin grows wider when his eyes fall to the sheet dress that I am wrapped in. He motions his head for me to come sit beside him on the couch.</p><p>
  <em>What you’re doing with a clown like me<br/>Is surely one of life’s little mysteries</em>
</p><p>I sit down next to him and his eyes slowly travel down my body until he lifts the guitar and my feet slide to sit across his lap. The silk sheet is warm from his elevated body heat and its soothing against my deliciously sore muscles. He smiles as he looks back into my eyes and sings.</p><p>
  <em>So tonight I’ll ask the stars above<br/>“How did I ever win your love?”<br/>What did I do?<br/>What did I say to turn your angel eyes my way?</em>
</p><p>“Hello, love.” He whispers, putting the guitar down against the wall and putting his hands on my calves and rubbing.</p><p>“Hello, Rem.” I whisper back. I reach up and gentle touch mauve imprints where my nails had pressed into his skin. He twitched but not like he usually did when he was in pain. He looks down to where I’m touching and finds the same scratch marks I did. “I guess I got a little eager last night. I’m sorry.”</p><p>Remus grins against his bicep and chuckles. “Those will heal. They’re hardly noticeable in the mess that is my body.” He unfolds himself and looks down at the scars from Moony and smiles. “You look..” He says when he sneaks a look over at me.</p><p>“Chaotic.” I offer with a smile. Remus shakes his head and squeezes my legs.</p><p>“Beautiful.” He whispers before leaning down and kissing me, his hand finding my hips. “Last night actually happened?” He clenches his eyes shut, realizing he asked that outloud. I reach up and caress his cheek where a five o clock shadow is already scratching at my skin. His eyes open and he finds me grinning at him.</p><p>“It did. Twice.” I say with a chuckle, making Remus slide down to lay next to me. He shuffles and resituates us, pulling me against him. His lips find my shoulder blade and he sighs, kissing it softly.</p><p>“I hope it was..” I reach back and playfully slap his shoulder. I turn to face him and take his head in my hands, mussing up his shaggy hair.</p><p>“It was amazing. <em>You’re</em> amazing.” I rest my head against his and his arms wrap around to squeeze at the small of my back. “I can hardly wait for next time.” I admit and Remus laughs, shaking us as he sighs.</p><p>“Ugh.. well, we don’t have to wait if you don’t want to!” He is still laughing when I slap his chest. “Thank you for that, love. I’m just glad there’s going to be a next time.” He says softly, kissing my forehead before I lean back and grin at him.</p><p>“Remus, I hope there to be so many next times for us that we lose track and can’t possibly keep count of them all.” Remus stares at me, his smile growing until he rolls us so he’s on his back and I’m laying on his torso while he stares up at the ceiling.</p><p>“Sounds lovely, Darling.” He sighs, his hand massaging my scalp while the other’s fingers glides up and down my arm, calming me. He leans down and kisses my head-- one, two, three times. I look up at him and he kisses me, pulling back with a grin.</p><p>“<em>I love you.</em>” He whispers, searching my eyes as he pushes my hair out of his eyeline.</p><p>“<em>I love you, too</em>.” I say back, leaning my chin on his chest, kissing his scarred pec gently. “My favorite scars.” I say which makes him laugh under me.</p><p>“You have favorite scars?” He chuckles and I nod. “That’s… cute.” He drawls out. “I suppose if I had a favorite scar of yours, it would have to be….” Remus searches my body a few times, turning my wrists over and lifting my sheet until his eyes fall to my forehead. “This one..” He says, gently caressing the scar that runs from my hair to my eyebrow.</p><p>“Run in with a Death Eater. A <em>Bombarda</em> ricochet.” I tell him, reaching up and touching it with my fingers. Remus kisses the scar before pulling me back.</p><p>“You’re gorgeous.” He whispers, instantly taking away the insecurity that I felt about how it made me look. I suppose that this is how he must feel about his scars. Hopefully I quell his insecurities as well.</p><p>“Can I ask you a question?” I ask sheepishly. Remus’ smile falters but he manages to bring it back as he nods. “What are the scars on your back from?”</p><p>Remus sighs and closes his eyes for a moment before he chuckles. Almost to himself.</p><p>“Y’know.. for a moment there I reckoned you were gonna ask me ‘bout the whole shaggin’ Sirius Black mess.” Remus chuckles, but looks at me apprehensively.</p><p>“I think that one speaks for itself, Rem. You had a boyfriend prior. Who am I to judge? So did I.” I muster a serious face for just a moment before I burst out laughing.</p><p>“<em>Git</em>.” Remus hisses but he laughs. “You know that? You think you’re funny do ya?” He says, tickling me. I burst out laughing some more, flailing about on top of him until I threaten to pee on him. Remus slowly stops tickling and wraps his arms around me. “Nah. I reckon it does speak for itself. The scars are from him and Prongs tho. They uh..”</p><p>We stilled against each other, him holding me tightly and me snuggling into his neck, breathing in warmth and tea. Chamomile. He must’ve used it to relax.</p><p>“Well, I told you they found out about me, right?” I nod, reaching behind me to grab his wand that I had abandoned on the coffee table. I flicked it towards the hallway and one of his blankets came to float down on top of us. “Thank you, I was a little cold.” He says with a kiss before cuddling us inside of it. “Anyways, they fervently requested that they could accompany me for transformations.”</p><p>“And you fervently told them no. Like you do with me.” I mumble against his chest, starting to relax against him.</p><p>“<em>Very good</em>.” He said as if he were praising one of our students. I opened my eyes and leaned up, shooting him a look. “Sorry.” He says with a knowing grin. He did that on purpose. “But, they were more bullheaded than you are, darling. And fifth year they trounced me by becoming animagi behind my back.”</p><p>I stiffen in his arms and I know that he feels this because he leans back to look down at me.</p><p>“Go ahead, Cal. Ask me.” He prompts and I take a deep breath in and slowly let it out, laying back down against his chest.</p><p>“They weren’t registered. So, I’m assuming that’s how…” I pause, wanting to treat this with delicacy. Black may be a murderer, responsible for my own parents death, but he was also Remus’ past. And I shouldn’t disrespect that, no matter my feelings.</p><p>“.. Sirius escaped from Azkaban. His animagus form.” I finish and Remus takes a trembling breath in.</p><p>“That’s my guess, yeah.” His words come out thick and weepy. I look up and there’s tears in his eyes. He takes a hand off my shoulder and wipes his eyes. “You’ve heard me call him Pads. He was Padfoot, a dog. He could easily fit between the bars if he looked like he had at his trial. They don’t feed them.” He sniffles, an errant tear sliding down his face. Pain filled the air and made me curl into him, wanting to protect him from this all.</p><p>“Dementors take everything they can from them. The prisoners just turn into a shell. They don’t really do anything.” I say softly, not knowing why I was offering this information. It couldn’t be helpful. “Who is Prongs?” I ask, changing the subject.</p><p>“James. He was a stag. He had a large rack.”</p><p>There’s an awkward silence before we both start laughing at what he had just said. And with that, the tension was gone.</p><p>“I meant his antlers!” Remus shakes us with his raucous laughter. “His <em>antlers</em>.” He takes his hands and gestures over his head. “<em>Prongs</em>. Y’know. Antlers.” I nod and take his hands down and kiss them.</p><p>“And that’s where you get Moony.” I say, suddenly getting his nickname.</p><p>“Right again, Callisto. Since they were unregistered and I was hiding my condition, we referred to ourselves as our nicknames. Made Prongs and Pads feel heroic. It made me feel childish. But, it stuck. And you seem to like it so..” Remus lifts his chin dignantly and puffed his chest. “Messr. Moony at your service.”</p><p>I chuckled as I leaned over his face and stared down at my beautiful Moony. Remus stopped laughing and slowly opened his eyes to find me watching him.</p><p>“Prongs used his antlers to keep Moony at bay after transformation because I didn’t get wolfsbane back then. And Pads, well…” His voice got soft as he looked away from me over to the wall. “Pads wouldn’t do anything unless he had to. And a few times he had to. So, that’s what those scars are from.”</p><p>We hold each other in silence for a moment. I watch him as he closes his eyes and leftover tears slide down his face in the quiet. I gently wiped them away for him and then lean down and kiss his lips.</p><p>“It’s okay to miss them. It’s okay to miss who you thought he was.” I whisper against his lips. Remus swallows and licks the tears off his bottom lip and sighs.</p><p>“It wouldn’t do any good. He’s not who I thought he was.” He shuffles under me and then his eyes flutter open. “He was a mistake. But <em>you</em>…”</p><p>I open my mouth to correct him but he quiets me with several kisses.</p><p>“You, my darling, are the love of my life. That much I promise you.” He kisses me a few more times before he sits us up. He stretches out his legs and holds my back as I straddle him.</p><p>“The love of your life?” I question and he grins up at me, nodding. I push his hair back and fix his mustache while he goes cross eyed watching me.</p><p>“I never lie.” He mumbles against my thumbs before kissing the pads of them. He puts my arms around his neck and leans his head against my chest, holding me close and letting a happy sigh out.</p><p>We hold each other for several minutes before my stomach lets out a hellacious growl. Remus leans his head back and smiles at me.</p><p>“Hungry?” He asks and I slowly nod. “Me too. I guess we did work up an appetite.” I chuckle, my cheeks turning red and Remus laughs with me, rubbing my hips. He looks past my head, out the window behind me and then back to me.</p><p>“My turn for a date.” Remus slaps my butt before lifting me and putting me back on my feet. He stands up and grabs my hand, walking us back to our room.</p><p>“Cashing in one of those next times?” I ask, and Remus shakes his head laughing.</p><p>“Get dressed. We’re going to Hogsmeade…” He says, shedding his sheet. I stare at his backside as he bends down and grabs his jeans. He steps into them and zips them before turning back to me. “Come on, love. Get dressed.” He chuckles.</p><p>“At what? 4 in the morning? In the rain.” I look down at his jeans and point to his groin. “With no knickers?” I question. Remus looks down at his groin and then back up at me before he turns, reaching back and grabbing his tattered Stones shirt off the bed where I left it.</p><p>“We won’t be walking in the rain and we won’t be seen. Don’t worry.” He tries to talk me into it as he shrugs into his shirt, his pale skin showing through a couple holes in his shirt.</p><p><em>Claw marks,</em> I think while I stare at his muscles popping out through the fabric. I look outside at the moon coming out from behind a storm cloud.</p><p>Full moon is coming in a few days. And his body is starting to reflect it. I walk past him and to my part of the closet, my hands rubbing over his biceps.</p><p>I wonder if the students notice how muscular he gets and how much his mood and body changes when the cycle comes. Then again, if they did, they would realize he was a werewolf.</p><p>Let’s hope they don’t. Though, I have a feeling Hermione has. She has become concerned every month and just the way she looks at him. Sympathetically.</p><p>Harry still seems oblivious so she must not be telling people If she knows.</p><p>“Are we using an invisibility cloak?” I joke and Remus stops putting on socks and looks up at me. He stares and then slowly smiles before laughing.</p><p>“I wish. I’m going to take you through a secret passageway to Honeydukes if no one has cut it off, yet.” He puts his boots on but doesn’t bother tying them as I laugh out loud.</p><p>I pull on jeans and one of his sweaters. I wipe my eyes, crying with laughter from his joke.</p><p>“A secret passageway! <em>Merlin</em>, that was a fantastic joke, Rem.” I chuckle as I turn and he grins at me.</p><p>“Yeah, a joke.” He says softly before pointing at me. “Bring your wand.” He says simply, putting some sickles and knuts into his pocket and walking away.</p><p>“Wait…” I say, stumbling as I trip into my sneakers. I grab my wand from the dresser, falling into the hallway as I follow him.</p><p>“That <em>was</em> a joke, right, Rem?”</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>